As I have posted before, for about four months I have been in a wedding lull....I really hadn't done anything wedding related at all. All of a sudden over the last two weeks I've really gotten my lazy butt moving because I realized there's only FOUR MONTHS TO GO!!!!!
Now I think I Know WHY I haven't done any wedding planning....everything is a disaster. My shower got ruined and today the fight with my mother is probably the end to the wedding. My parents are basically footing the bill for most of the wedding. They're paying for the hall, invitations, my dress, dj and the flowers. Everything else FH and I are doing ourselves.
After a fight in the house this morning (about the darn shower again) we went to go see my dress...it's been in for two weeks now and this is the first time I'm seeing it (SO EXCITED). On the way there in the pouring rain mom suggests we eat first. We are in the middle of breakfast when my mom mentions table numbers. I bring up the fact that I was planning on naming the tables...well you would have thought I dropped a nuclear bomb on New York. She proceeds to tell me that SHE is paying for the reception and that SHE will NOT allow any such thing...this isn't a BAT MITZFA and personally she thinks my taste ***** and that if I want to continue having a wedding that SHE'S paying for then I have NO say at all. AND....there will be no sterling roses with stephonotis there will be MUMS because this is NOT about me. May I ask who this IS about if its not about me? So in between my sobbing in the middle of the seaport dinner I let her know that I don't have to be treated this way and that if she's so darn concerned about the money then FH and I can go to Mexico (honeymoon is already booked) and get married there and whoever wants to fly there can see us get married. Of course when i got home my father went ballistic screamed at my mother for being rediculous at which time my mother turned on my father and started bitching him out. Then he did what he has always done....went to the bedroom and turned on the tv. Guess he learned long ago that you can't win with my mother. I spoke with my BMs individually today and every single one of them said I need to suck it up. That weddings are for the parents and not for the children. That I should go home and apoligize to my mother for upsetting her (whether I feel this way or not) and be the better person. I'm sick to my stomach. My father is going to be crushed if I don't have a wedding and to be quite honest I WANT a wedding too. I feel very lost right now and need some sane advice. FH is very sweet but his 'I'll support you in any way you want' was just not helpful. Help please?
Happybride2005
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
first,
what type of wedding did your parents have? do u think your mom is living through your wedding the way she wanted her wedding to be?
boobobunny
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
my whole life my mother told me how her mother ruined her wedding day....so when my mom started to attempt to take things over...I reminded her how miserable she was at her wedding and she should respect my wishes to do things my way...since then she has been a peach. So maybe you should talk calmly to your mom...ask her if her mother butting in on her wedding annoyed her.
JPC1125
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
first of all...please dont compromise your beliefs and feelings for an expensive wedding
it is much much better to keep your pride in tact and stand up to her ridiculous and abusive behavior and have a small restaurant wedding with close friends and family than to have a huge wedding where you are miserable
i ma having the same issues- my mother wished me dead in front of my photographer but she is not paying a dime and therefore i have not included her in ANY wedding plans- she is welcome to come but she cannot treat me that way anymore or i will cut her off for good and she will never meet her grandchildren
i know you have to do what you feel but it seems to me you arent...you are 'sucking it up' (by the way FIRE all of your BM's cause they are evil to tell you that!!!) listen to your heart and have some self esteem and pride
a 'Long Island' isnt worth it
montk79
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
I am so sorry to hear what you are going through...
You should NOT apologize to your mother - that letter will only set the stage for future situations. If you don't stand up to her now, it will just get harder as the decisions in your and your FH's lives get harder.
I think you may have a way to approach her through your father. Let him know that you are considering going away and getting married... but that you don't really want to... maybe he will take a stand in your defense!!! It's his money, too, isn't it???? Don't let him or her forget that!
Good luck with whatever you decide.
Backinneyork
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
What happened?? Did you wind up giving her the letter and going to the 1:00 appt?
gNi1125
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by Backinneyork
What happened?? Did you wind up giving her the letter and going to the 1:00 appt?
I was just wondering the same thing. I hope all went well
The Original 2nd-time-around
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
bump
eric'sbride
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
I am so sorry for your situation! I agree with the women who say that you should take control of the planning. This is your day and you should be the one making the choices. ALL of them.
leighdvm
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Bump -- what happened???
janet
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
i am sorry you are going though the same stuff i did with my mom! i wish and have said 'i wish i could do this all over again, it was my mom's wedding and not mine' but it's does pass! well i did tell my mom off 3 days before the wedding! oh well just keep in mind this is your day and in the end you will be with the one you love!
lullabella
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Wow - I can't believe you have to deal with this. Honestly, I wouldn't take a dime from her. Your wedding day is so much more than all the material things that go along with it. If I were you I would tell her to keep her money and her ideas to herself! Then sit down with your FI and figure out PLAN B.
Good LucK!
The Original 2nd-time-around
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
bump
melijane
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
You may not even be able to get Mums in the fall. If you really are willing to get married in Mexico you should just lay it on the line for her. Isn't your wedding in August? She would probably lose dposit money if you did so use that to get her to see some reason.
Jan05Bride
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by lullabella
Wow - I can't believe you have to deal with this. Honestly, I wouldn't take a dime from her. Your wedding day is so much more than all the material things that go along with it. If I were you I would tell her to keep her money and her ideas to herself! Then sit down with your FI and figure out PLAN B.
Good LucK!
I agree. A 'big' wedding isn't worth the aggrevation to me. You should do it on your terms and think about what you and FH can afford. No on should be allowed that much power over you.
Anniegrl
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
If getting through to you mom by talking doesn't work, maybe try writing her a letter. I did this with my mom once and it worked (oops - sorry, I just re-read your posts and see that you were going to try this).
And I don't know if somebody suggested this already, but why not have your mom read this thread???? She obviously has no clue how WRONG she is, and how much she's hurting you. Maybe if she hears it from all of us, she'll change her ways.
Good luck
SUNSHINE24
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
awwww.. thats so sad. I say forget what your mother has to say! You did the right thing. This is your day and you will only have one! Dont let her pick your flowers, or anything else. ANd if she insists, get married in Mexico. The last few months are more stressfull then ever... i wish i eloped. Good luck!!
cjik
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
I'm sorry to hear what has happened in your family. My mother offers no opinions also, but then she is not paying for the wedding. If she was, that might be a different story.
Is there another (objective) relative or close family friend you can explain the situation to who might be able to intervene and discuss the matter with you and your parents? Particularly someone your mother respects? It might be helpful to have someone outside the immediate family circle talk this over with all of you. It seems as if there could be some solution, but maybe emotions are too high right now.
I know I can talk myself blue in the face to my parents, but if my brother-in-law or another relative says the same thing (often less emotinally than I would), it resolves the situation quickly.
Good luck--I hope you find a solution.
JPC1125
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
still no update? I hope everything is alright
curliegirl
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
If I were you, I would tell my mom to shove it and pay for the wedding all by myself, even if I had to postpone it and get a 2nd or 3rd job.
The last thing you need is to look back upon your wedding day and say, 'Wow I'm glad my mom got the wedding of HER dreams!'
Maybe her wedding didn't go exactly as she wanted and she wants to relive it through you.
It is such a shame for you to go through this, maybe that is why you haven't been planning for so long, it seems as if you knew this was coming.
Go to Mexico if that's what you really want, but remember, this should be your only shot to do this the way you have always dreamed. You deserve at least that.
I wish you the best.....
ETA: Your mom is being a brat.
MrsMichel07
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Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by melijane
You may not even be able to get Mums in the fall. If you really are willing to get married in Mexico you should just lay it on the line for her. Isn't your wedding in August? She would probably lose dposit money if you did so use that to get her to see some reason.
YUP LAY IT ON THE LINE>>> SHE WOULD LOSE HER MONEY>>>>OR MAYBE HER AND YOUR FATHER CAN RENEW THEIR VOWS IF YOU ELOPE!!
