As I have posted before, for about four months I have been in a wedding lull....I really hadn't done anything wedding related at all. All of a sudden over the last two weeks I've really gotten my lazy butt moving because I realized there's only FOUR MONTHS TO GO!!!!!
Now I think I Know WHY I haven't done any wedding planning....everything is a disaster. My shower got ruined and today the fight with my mother is probably the end to the wedding. My parents are basically footing the bill for most of the wedding. They're paying for the hall, invitations, my dress, dj and the flowers. Everything else FH and I are doing ourselves.
After a fight in the house this morning (about the darn shower again) we went to go see my dress...it's been in for two weeks now and this is the first time I'm seeing it (SO EXCITED). On the way there in the pouring rain mom suggests we eat first. We are in the middle of breakfast when my mom mentions table numbers. I bring up the fact that I was planning on naming the tables...well you would have thought I dropped a nuclear bomb on New York. She proceeds to tell me that SHE is paying for the reception and that SHE will NOT allow any such thing...this isn't a BAT MITZFA and personally she thinks my taste ***** and that if I want to continue having a wedding that SHE'S paying for then I have NO say at all. AND....there will be no sterling roses with stephonotis there will be MUMS because this is NOT about me. May I ask who this IS about if its not about me? So in between my sobbing in the middle of the seaport dinner I let her know that I don't have to be treated this way and that if she's so darn concerned about the money then FH and I can go to Mexico (honeymoon is already booked) and get married there and whoever wants to fly there can see us get married. Of course when i got home my father went ballistic screamed at my mother for being rediculous at which time my mother turned on my father and started bitching him out. Then he did what he has always done....went to the bedroom and turned on the tv. Guess he learned long ago that you can't win with my mother. I spoke with my BMs individually today and every single one of them said I need to suck it up. That weddings are for the parents and not for the children. That I should go home and apoligize to my mother for upsetting her (whether I feel this way or not) and be the better person. I'm sick to my stomach. My father is going to be crushed if I don't have a wedding and to be quite honest I WANT a wedding too. I feel very lost right now and need some sane advice. FH is very sweet but his 'I'll support you in any way you want' was just not helpful. Help please?
skittles
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Well, you are in a hard spot. What is a little odd is that with only four months left, you now have decided to start planning. Maybe having such a control freak mother, you just let it happen and now it has built up. If you let her continue this way, it will not end here. She will comment on your house, the way you raise kids, the way you make dinner. Will you write her a letter every time she gets out of line? NOOOOO you will simply let her know how you feel exactly like you tell us. This is your wedding, she decides to pay, say thank you. If she decides not to pay because it is not her taste... then your mother is very selfish and this will probably be the end of a relationship between you and her. By your father going to another room and just passing it under a rug...it shows that she still has the upper hand. Even though he ignores her, she still wins. She manages to upset everbody and feels good about it. What to do??? GO TO YOUR HONEYMOON AND MARRY WITH YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS! YOUR DAD WILL BE THERE!! OR You can let her pay and have a wedding that you will ALWAYS complain about and blame your fiance' for not 'helping' you. And she will always say how beautiful it was because of her. It's a routine that she has and has been following for years. Step outside her world and breathe in your own! Don't ask her what she wants to do about the flower appt.??? YOu don't want her opinion about the appt. anyway. If you are going to let her plan this wedding, then let her. Just show up at the time. Don't ask any questions, don't give any help. And be happy that you did so. OR Be happy that you stood up for your self and put her in her place. If all this money that went for down payments was hers, she will lose it if you decide to marry in Mexico. If she wants to impress anyone, she will do as you say otherwise.....pack a suitcase Mom, we're going to Cancun!!!!
A mother thay always puts you down or disagree's way too much with your opinion is a selfish unhappy person who probably did not have a loving upbringing. Now as an adult, you can point this out to her. This kind of manner is unacceptable for a grown person, a mother no less, to tell her child who is getting married that the wedding is not about her. It's foolish and should be addressed in a way that is straight foward and honest. If your farther has any hope, he will sit in with you on this discussion. No puffy eyes my sweet, just open honesty between family love. I know deep down your mom wants you to be happy. Ask her why she won't let you? Ask her why is she holding back something so powerful. Ask her why does she 'want' rather than 'give' for her daughter's wedding? Ask her why is she so unhappy that she has to make everyone else unhappy? The more youask, the more answers you will get and eventually the truth may come out. Be strong and speak your mind. Don't worry what she might think. Put her feelings aside and just let it all out. You have nothing to lose but lots to gain!
lishbone
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
wow....all i have to say is wow..i really feel for you..i dont understand that when parent actually offer to pay for part of your wedding it means that it really is THEIR PART..IMO..i would rather try and pay for it myself..some parents feel that paying for it..they are actually trying to relive something they never had or trying to fill avoid in their life..it really amazes me..i hope allworks out for you..and that your mom comes around..you are her daughter..not a barbie doll..this isnt a joke..its your wedding day..a real thing..a day that means more to you than anything..i hope allworks out for you!!
ChrissynRicky
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Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
You're in a su@ky situation, but you know that already. It's just terrible that your mother is using everything against you - most especially the fact that she's paying for it. This is why the FH and I decided that we'll pay for everything ourselves - except for the reception hall, which the parents are splitting 50/50. Whenever a mother has a comment about something - I snap back and say 'Our wedding, we're paying. If you have a problem w/the Flowers (for example) you shell out the $$$.' If it's an opinion - anyone is entitled to it, but if it's a demand, they're not.
I'm sorry to disagree w/your BM's, but I believe the wedding is indeed for you and your FH - a time to reflect on the next chapter of y our lives together. If youw ant table names to reflect something significant to the both of you - do it. Explain it to your mom (even though she seems very hesitant to let you get a word in.) She needs to understand that right now is not the best time for her to be flipping out on you and changing things that you want to have, and to stop using the money as a weapon and threat against you. Have the weding you want, the way you want it, or else you'll resent her and the wedding for the rest of your life. This happened to my mom and her mom got all MOMZILLA on her for her wedding, my mother just stepped down, apologized, and didn't speak up, and my mother has resented her mother to this day, and states that the wedding was not the one she always wanted.
ChrissynRicky
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Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by halfpintny
Posted by suven
I don't mean to hijack, but I have a few more thoughts.
the wedding is only the beginning of your new life together with your husband. I don't think it's a good idea to let the parents force their will on you. If you set this pattern, they will continue to do this to you after you are married. Then, you may end up having problems with your husband as a result of your parents behavior.
I agree with you. FH and I have discussed this time and time again since we both have controlling parents. We have made a sort of pact that while we are still both living under their roofs (TG for only four more months) we will try to be accommodating to them but that once we are living under our OWN roof the only people we have to answer to are ourselves.
Sorry for hi-jacking! I don't mean to be Dr. Phill right now - but if you and the FI don't learn to step up your parents, even though you are living under their roof, you are not mature enough to get married. It sounds like this marriage is a tool to 'get out of the house, and get away from the parents.' It's terrible that both sets of parents use their children living under the house as yet another dependency on them, but this is YOUR WEDDING and YOUR LIVES. I suggest resolving all these issues w/your parents ASAP, or you guys are going to live in your parents shadows for a very long time. JMO.
suven
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
I can relate to the issue of still living at home with them. I was in that position when I got engaged. I had actually just moved back home with my father and his wife so that I could go to grad school full time.
When I found that I was losing control over the wedding (and, keep in mind- DH and I already knew that we were going to be paying for the wedding OURSELVES!), I just stopped talking about it.
Whenever they would start telling me how things were going to be (down to WHO I was going to stay with the night before my wedding- and conveniently forgetting that I have a MOTHER) I just started yessing them to death, but made my own plans anyway.
It is a difficult situation. But, you do have to navigate it carefully. It doesn't sound like it will be easy.
ML110
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
man! this stinks for you!! your mom is using money to control YOUR wedding... and thats not right. i agree with some of the others though that i think the best way to deal with this is to start saving and pay for some more of the wedding stuff yourselves. it seems like a lot but it can be done.... i mean , its nice to know that your wedding is basically paid for... but is it really worth it when that means that your mom is controlling the whole thing? i mean, you have to stop taking money from your parents sometime, right? why not start now.... my parents offered us a set amount of money for the wedding and the rest is up to us... and as hard as it is to be saving the money, i like it this way because it means that i have more say in my own wedding... and my mom is happy because i let her have a little say too becasue shes contributing some money... its worked out well so far the letter your wrote your mom was good... and hopefully it'll make her think about hows she acting... but DO NOT just give up control of your wedding- you'll resent your mom forever if you do.... good luck!
halfpintny
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Obviously the problems mom and I are having are not new. Her and I have always had issues. When I was younger it was suggested by a counselor that my home environment was not healthy and I needed to move out. Thats when I went back to college full time and lived on campus. From college i moved into an apartment and have been living on my own for quite sometime. Three years ago I moved back home and while things have not always been smooth here, we've always managed to work out some sort of compromise. FH is in the same situation. He had been living in FL for ten years until they closed his department. He packed up and moved home. Shortly thereafter we met. We both agreed that we didn't want to live togather before we got married and since we were saving for the ring and our wedding we felt it was foolish to pay for an apartment on top of it. We do our individual best to maintain our sense of self while understanding that it a priviledge to live with our parents and to a certain extent we have to 'suck it up' and maintain the peace.
Needless to say I have tried over the years to delve into why my mother is so darn miserable but she's the type of person that belives she doesn't have a problem. She is perfect and everyone should adjust themselves to her. In my teen years we went to family counseling and after a month she stopped going because the therapist started focusing on her and she felt like she was being attacked. I have basically resigned myself that any relationship I have with her needs to be on her terms and unfortunatly once I'm out of my house again I see me keeping her at arms length. So sad but unfortunately not all of us are born with the most normal parents.
DrBeLLaRoSe
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
i think that it is very hard to suck things up especially when u are right and the parent is wrong. I too live with my parents and they are paying for everything. Even though it is hard i do think u have to suck it up b/c they are paying. My parents put in there two cents about where to have the party so i listened to them but in the long run i ended up getting them back by picking an even more expensive place since they were so picky.
My strategy is to lie to my parents and not tell the whole truth until they find out for themselves. it always works cuz when they find out it is usually to late to do anything about it and by that point they can yell and scream all they want cuz it ends up being my way. It seems like you have everything planned already like the band and the dress and the hall so the little things that come up wont be make or break things anyway. Good luck i feel your pain dealing with parents is so annoying. If u wanna vent some more you can always fm me and i'll listen
suven
Posted:
Member since
.
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DrBeLLaRoSe
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
i just saw your latest post and you are describing my relationship with my mom exactly. I always wonder why she is so darn miserable and she always thinks she is right or the victim in some way shape or form.
I dont have the most normal parents either. I guess we just have to learn from their mistakes and create a better family with our future husbands. Good luck!
MrsMichel07
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by skittles
Well, you are in a hard spot. What is a little odd is that with only four months left, you now have decided to start planning. Maybe having such a control freak mother, you just let it happen and now it has built up. If you let her continue this way, it will not end here. She will comment on your house, the way you raise kids, the way you make dinner. Will you write her a letter every time she gets out of line? NOOOOO you will simply let her know how you feel exactly like you tell us. This is your wedding, she decides to pay, say thank you. If she decides not to pay because it is not her taste... then your mother is very selfish and this will probably be the end of a relationship between you and her. By your father going to another room and just passing it under a rug...it shows that she still has the upper hand. Even though he ignores her, she still wins. She manages to upset everbody and feels good about it. What to do??? GO TO YOUR HONEYMOON AND MARRY WITH YOUR CLOSEST FRIENDS! YOUR DAD WILL BE THERE!! OR You can let her pay and have a wedding that you will ALWAYS complain about and blame your fiance' for not 'helping' you. And she will always say how beautiful it was because of her. It's a routine that she has and has been following for years. Step outside her world and breathe in your own! Don't ask her what she wants to do about the flower appt.??? YOu don't want her opinion about the appt. anyway. If you are going to let her plan this wedding, then let her. Just show up at the time. Don't ask any questions, don't give any help. And be happy that you did so. OR Be happy that you stood up for your self and put her in her place. If all this money that went for down payments was hers, she will lose it if you decide to marry in Mexico. If she wants to impress anyone, she will do as you say otherwise.....pack a suitcase Mom, we're going to Cancun!!!!
A mother thay always puts you down or disagree's way too much with your opinion is a selfish unhappy person who probably did not have a loving upbringing. Now as an adult, you can point this out to her. This kind of manner is unacceptable for a grown person, a mother no less, to tell her child who is getting married that the wedding is not about her. It's foolish and should be addressed in a way that is straight foward and honest. If your farther has any hope, he will sit in with you on this discussion. No puffy eyes my sweet, just open honesty between family love. I know deep down your mom wants you to be happy. Ask her why she won't let you? Ask her why is she holding back something so powerful. Ask her why does she 'want' rather than 'give' for her daughter's wedding? Ask her why is she so unhappy that she has to make everyone else unhappy? The more youask, the more answers you will get and eventually the truth may come out. Be strong and speak your mind. Don't worry what she might think. Put her feelings aside and just let it all out. You have nothing to lose but lots to gain!
The Original 2nd-time-around
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
First off, I have to say that I think we used to play softball together.....????
Next...this wedding IS about YOU. It's ALL about you, along with your FH. You mom already had her wedding, and although it is very nice for you mom to be helping out $$ wise, IMO that does not give her the right to plan every detail. I don't know that I'd suck it up so easily. It sounds like she wants to make this more of a 'show' for her family and friends to see what she did. This is about the love that you and FH share, and becoming husband and wife.
You are in a very tough spot, and I'm so sorry that you have to be so stressed
ThongLori
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
No offense - but your mom sounds completely insane. If that's the way she is going to be about footing the bill, then DO NOT TAKE ONE DIME FROM HER. She cannot have any say in what she is not paying for. If that means you have to scale down your wedding to what you can afford, do it. Good luck, and many hugs......
brooklynbridezilla
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
What an awful situation. I don't agree with sucking it up and letting her have YOUR wedding HER way. I think it sets a precedent for your married life. If you give in, she will know she can control everything else- from where you live to how you raise you kids (if you plan on having any). I'd nip this in the bud while you have the chance.
If I were in your shoes, I'd cancel the wedding and get married at your honeymoon, and show her she cannot control you with money.
Scooter
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
I agree with others that you should not give up on your wish to have the wedding. I also think that this isn't worth ruining your relationship with your mom over. Even though it's wrong, she probably feels like this wedding is a reflection on HER (not you) since she's paying for it and so she wants it to be perfect (in her eyes).
Maybe you could try to give her choices so she feels like she's an integral part of the decision-making process. Maybe you could select several different pictures of flower arrangements that YOU like, and then ask her which ones she likes too (this way, you're still making the decisions, but she feels like she has input)...
I'm sure you'll find a way to compromise without feeling like you're giving in to all of her demands. GOOD LUCK!!!!
MrsMichel07
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
You know I just thought about something someone posted.... it is about four more months left to the wedding and everything should already be paid for.... you have a couple of choices:
1) Elope... 2) or start taking control of things now.... get the flowers you want; make your table names and what ever else you want.... 3) Put your foot down as of today and say that you have controlled enough of OUR wedding.. and I am not having it anymore... either you(your mother) listen to me or we are going to get married on our honeymoon!!
The bottom line is your motehr needs someone to put her in her place!!!!
She will lose out if you decide on a DW.... so let her know this might happen and MEAN it.... hopefully that will ruffle her feathers!!
cjb88
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
wow!! I guess this makes me happy that we are paying for everything ourselves... so parents have no say...
what was your parents wedding like? Did your grandparents pay for their wedding and not allow them to have any say at all?? FI's parents wedding was very stressful and their parents had a lot of opinions, so that is helping FMIL keep her opinions to herself and let us do the picking!
If your mother thinks this wedding is not about you and is abotu her, I would just tell her I was getting married in mexico and she wasnt invited... even if you dont plan to do that, do you think it would make her think twice about her actions...
MrsERod
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
YOUR day, YOUR way. Tear up that letter, and go with your gut - DON'T suck it up. If you do now, later on down the road, she will try and control every aspect of your life. Next thing you know, she'll demand to name your first born!
Good luck, I hope it all works out for you.
Bumsie
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by suven
I don't mean to hijack, but I have a few more thoughts.
the wedding is only the beginning of your new life together with your husband. I don't think it's a good idea to let the parents force their will on you. If you set this pattern, they will continue to do this to you after you are married. Then, you may end up having problems with your husband as a result of your parents behavior.
AMEN!!!!!!!
gNi1125
Posted:
Member since
Re: Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-
Posted by MrsMichel07
DO NOT APPOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOTHER>> YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!
She HAS to realize that this is NOT her wedding!!!
I would suggest you writing her a letter/e-mail so that you can express your feeling uninterrupted. Remind her that you appreciate everything she doing to help with the wedding... but REMIND her that YOU and FH are the one getting married and NOT her!! ( Say it nicely though.)
Let her know that there are certain things that YOU want for YOUR wedding and that you will take her suggestions into consideration.
DO NOT BACK DOWN TO HER.... I know what type of stress you are going through cause I am going stressing right now over different wedding related drama.
