Very sad...Need some help from Wise Women -Long-

As I have posted before, for about four months I have been in a wedding lull....I really hadn't done anything wedding related at all. All of a sudden over the last two weeks I've really gotten my lazy butt moving because I realized there's only FOUR MONTHS TO GO!!!!!

Now I think I Know WHY I haven't done any wedding planning....everything is a disaster. My shower got ruined and today the fight with my mother is probably the end to the wedding. My parents are basically footing the bill for most of the wedding. They're paying for the hall, invitations, my dress, dj and the flowers. Everything else FH and I are doing ourselves.

After a fight in the house this morning (about the darn shower again) we went to go see my dress...it's been in for two weeks now and this is the first time I'm seeing it (SO EXCITED). On the way there in the pouring rain mom suggests we eat first. We are in the middle of breakfast when my mom mentions table numbers. I bring up the fact that I was planning on naming the tables...well you would have thought I dropped a nuclear bomb on New York. She proceeds to tell me that SHE is paying for the reception and that SHE will NOT allow any such thing...this isn't a BAT MITZFA and personally she thinks my taste ***** and that if I want to continue having a wedding that SHE'S paying for then I have NO say at all. AND....there will be no sterling roses with stephonotis there will be MUMS because this is NOT about me. May I ask who this IS about if its not about me? So in between my sobbing in the middle of the seaport dinner I let her know that I don't have to be treated this way and that if she's so darn concerned about the money then FH and I can go to Mexico (honeymoon is already booked) and get married there and whoever wants to fly there can see us get married. Of course when i got home my father went ballistic screamed at my mother for being rediculous at which time my mother turned on my father and started bitching him out. Then he did what he has always done....went to the bedroom and turned on the tv. Guess he learned long ago that you can't win with my mother. I spoke with my BMs individually today and every single one of them said I need to suck it up. That weddings are for the parents and not for the children. That I should go home and apoligize to my mother for upsetting her (whether I feel this way or not) and be the better person. I'm sick to my stomach. My father is going to be crushed if I don't have a wedding and to be quite honest I WANT a wedding too. I feel very lost right now and need some sane advice. FH is very sweet but his 'I'll support you in any way you want' was just not helpful. Help please?

I am so sorry! That really *****. My mom is the opposite and has absolutely no opinion on anything!

Can you talk to her again after you both cool off a bit and try again? Have you shown her pictures of what you are looking at?

The other alternative is pay for the flowers yourself if you an swing it. Ugh...what a tough call. What would she do if you really called it off and get married in Mexico?

She actually said the wedding isn't about you???? I don't get that at all. Regardless of who is paying for it, the wedding is about you and FH. I wouldn't apologize to her, I don't think you did one thing wrong. Is there any way possible to have a calm, non-yelling conversation with her to compromise on things?? This is supposed to be a happy time for you, not miserable. I'm so sorry hon

How horrible for you that you have to go through this, I'm so sorry. This should be a happy time for you and your mother. No one knows your mother more than you do, but when things calm down some, can you and her compromise on things? Think carefully about what is most important to you, that you really, really want. Then list the things that you know are very important to your mom. Then go to her and talk things out. I'm sure neither of you need or want the added stress or the strain on your relationship.

Good luck with whatever you decide.

I am SO very sorry that you're going through this!!! that is just awful!!

now if I may, I would like to say that...

1. IS 100% ABOUT YOU! it is YOUR wedding!
2. you should on NO certain terms apologize to your mom, you did nothing wrong here.
and 3. unfortunatly, when you have someone pay for you wedding, somtimes they want full control. which is clearly the case here.

IMO, stick to what you want to do.

YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY!!!!!!!!

good luck

ETA: MUMS?? you're not getting married in the fall. why would she want mums??

so sorry about how the situation, you have every right to be upset at your mom and the day IS about YOU...it is about parents too, but PRIMARILY and IMPORTANTLY it is about you and your FH ... give it some time wait it out...and it will all work out...

GOod Luck

DO NOT APPOLOGIZE TO YOUR MOTHER>> YOU DID NOTHING WRONG!!!

She HAS to realize that this is NOT her wedding!!!

I would suggest you writing her a letter/e-mail so that you can express your feeling uninterrupted. Remind her that you appreciate everything she doing to help with the wedding... but REMIND her that YOU and FH are the one getting married and NOT her!!
( Say it nicely though.)

Let her know that there are certain things that YOU want for YOUR wedding and that you will take her suggestions into consideration.

DO NOT BACK DOWN TO HER.... I know what type of stress you are going through cause I am going stressing right now over different wedding related drama.

Best of luck!!!

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Posted by DayBeforeThanksgiving

Your Mama, is so completely wrong. If she wants to help out, that's great, but she shouldn't be running your wedding. In my opinion, I would see what you can do about gathering the money between the two of you and pay for it yourselves so that you can have all the say that you want. We are paying for almost the entire wedding ourselves, and although it's stressful and hard, we somehow have managed to do it so far.

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YES I AGREE AS WELL!!

Thank you ladies for your advice. I decided to do the 'suck it up' letter. What do you think?

You made it quite clear today that you don’t like my ideas and feel that you know how to plan a wedding that will be better than any of the things I had planned. I have decided that that’s fine. Plan away. You’re right you are paying for certain things and its your money so in that case I was wrong and selfish.

The only thing that I ask is that you don’t ask my opinion. It is clear that you and I don’t have the same tastes and will be unable to compromise. Asking me for my input would be futile since it would give me the false impression that I had a say in what you were going to pick, which you have indicated that I do not. This is only going to lead to another fight and quite honestly I’m not up for it. I honestly don’t know how we are going to visit vendors together because it certainly will look funny when the bride to be stands there and doesn’t say a word. But if you’d like me to make the appointments for you I’ll be more than willing to do the leg work in that regard.

You were right in another aspect today. You said that this wedding wasn’t about me. You’re right. It’s about the love Peter and I share. So, in the end what does it matter what the flowers look like or the invitations or the names of the tables for that matter?

I had already set up an appointment for 1:00 on Sunday in Huntington with Simply Stems regarding the flowers. Let me know what you want to do about it.

Dawn

I don't mean to hijack, but I have a few more thoughts.

the wedding is only the beginning of your new life together with your husband. I don't think it's a good idea to let the parents force their will on you. If you set this pattern, they will continue to do this to you after you are married. Then, you may end up having problems with your husband as a result of your parents behavior.

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Posted by suven

I don't mean to hijack, but I have a few more thoughts.

the wedding is only the beginning of your new life together with your husband. I don't think it's a good idea to let the parents force their will on you. If you set this pattern, they will continue to do this to you after you are married. Then, you may end up having problems with your husband as a result of your parents behavior.

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I agree with you. FH and I have discussed this time and time again since we both have controlling parents. We have made a sort of pact that while we are still both living under their roofs (TG for only four more months) we will try to be accommodating to them but that once we are living under our OWN roof the only people we have to answer to are ourselves.

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Posted by halfpintny

Thank you ladies for your advice. I decided to do the 'suck it up' letter. What do you think?

You made it quite clear today that you don’t like my ideas and feel that you know how to plan a wedding that will be better than any of the things I had planned. I have decided that that’s fine. Plan away. You’re right you are paying for certain things and its your money so in that case I was wrong and selfish.

The only thing that I ask is that you don’t ask my opinion. It is clear that you and I don’t have the same tastes and will be unable to compromise. Asking me for my input would be futile since it would give me the false impression that I had a say in what you were going to pick, which you have indicated that I do not. This is only going to lead to another fight and quite honestly I’m not up for it. I honestly don’t know how we are going to visit vendors together because it certainly will look funny when the bride to be stands there and doesn’t say a word. But if you’d like me to make the appointments for you I’ll be more than willing to do the leg work in that regard.

You were right in another aspect today. You said that this wedding wasn’t about me. You’re right. It’s about the love Peter and I share. So, in the end what does it matter what the flowers look like or the invitations or the names of the tables for that matter?

I had already set up an appointment for 1:00 on Sunday in Huntington with Simply Stems regarding the flowers. Let me know what you want to do about it.

Dawn

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wow, you're more forgiving than I am. Do what you feel is best.

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Posted by halfpintny

Thank you ladies for your advice. I decided to do the 'suck it up' letter. What do you think?

You made it quite clear today that you don’t like my ideas and feel that you know how to plan a wedding that will be better than any of the things I had planned. I have decided that that’s fine. Plan away. You’re right you are paying for certain things and its your money so in that case I was wrong and selfish.

The only thing that I ask is that you don’t ask my opinion. It is clear that you and I don’t have the same tastes and will be unable to compromise. Asking me for my input would be futile since it would give me the false impression that I had a say in what you were going to pick, which you have indicated that I do not. This is only going to lead to another fight and quite honestly I’m not up for it. I honestly don’t know how we are going to visit vendors together because it certainly will look funny when the bride to be stands there and doesn’t say a word. But if you’d like me to make the appointments for you I’ll be more than willing to do the leg work in that regard.

You were right in another aspect today. You said that this wedding wasn’t about me. You’re right. It’s about the love Peter and I share. So, in the end what does it matter what the flowers look like or the invitations or the names of the tables for that matter?

I had already set up an appointment for 1:00 on Sunday in Huntington with Simply Stems regarding the flowers. Let me know what you want to do about it.

Dawn

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Your letter sounds good!!!
I would add in more of:
'The only thing that I ask is that you don’t ask my opinion'... ON MY WEDDING

I would remind her more in the letter when ending a statement.... my or our wedding.

No you should not suck it up IMO. If your parents offered to pay for the wedding you would think it was their gift to you as their daughter not so that it could be your mom's wedding. I don't think weddings are about the parents but maybe I am clueless.

I am sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you have an ally in your dad so maybe he can talk some sense into her.

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Posted by dleeny

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Posted by halfpintny

Thank you ladies for your advice. I decided to do the 'suck it up' letter. What do you think?

You made it quite clear today that you don’t like my ideas and feel that you know how to plan a wedding that will be better than any of the things I had planned. I have decided that that’s fine. Plan away. You’re right you are paying for certain things and its your money so in that case I was wrong and selfish.

The only thing that I ask is that you don’t ask my opinion. It is clear that you and I don’t have the same tastes and will be unable to compromise. Asking me for my input would be futile since it would give me the false impression that I had a say in what you were going to pick, which you have indicated that I do not. This is only going to lead to another fight and quite honestly I’m not up for it. I honestly don’t know how we are going to visit vendors together because it certainly will look funny when the bride to be stands there and doesn’t say a word. But if you’d like me to make the appointments for you I’ll be more than willing to do the leg work in that regard.

You were right in another aspect today. You said that this wedding wasn’t about me. You’re right. It’s about the love Peter and I share. So, in the end what does it matter what the flowers look like or the invitations or the names of the tables for that matter?

I had already set up an appointment for 1:00 on Sunday in Huntington with Simply Stems regarding the flowers. Let me know what you want to do about it.

Dawn

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wow, you're more forgiving than I am. Do what you feel is best.

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Dleeny... I was hoping that by writing this letter her mother will feel bad and realize that she is wrong.

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Posted by Monkeybride

No you should not suck it up IMO. If your parents offered to pay for the wedding you would think it was their gift to you as their daughter not so that it could be your mom's wedding. I don't think weddings are about the parents but maybe I am clueless.

I am sorry you have to go through this. It sounds like you have an ally in your dad so maybe he can talk some sense into her.

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Monkeybride you are not clueless... weddings are for the couple.. some parents who didn't have a big wedding feel that it is okay for them to live through their children which is NOT right!!!!

I so agree with all of you...and that is what has made this whole thing so difficult. I don't WANT to suck it up because I know my mother is completely off the wall and unreasonable but I just dont see how arguing every day and night with her is conducive to my well being...i literally have three brand new zitz from all the stress and my eyes are all puffy from crying the whole day.