Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Thank you Leena!!

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I actually really love this article. It's needed. I know women like her. I'm actually forwarding it to my best friend.

Yes, a healthy marriage is about mutual love, communication, etc. But what about when it's not so healthy? What about all that 'looms in the darkness'? Let's not pretend it's a beautiful embrace from beginning to end - because it's not. The divorce rate doesn't lie.

And I agree with the poster who wrote about disliking Lance and Sheryl. I do too. Because as 'dark' as marriage can get, there's always a light...a will...a way. Forever is a very long time...and it takes two to make that pleasurable.

Again Leena...thanks for posting this!!

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

IMO I am older (40) and have never been married before, I took care of myself and only myself for a long time.

My fiancee (44) understand that we are committed to each other so we are both unsure if we want to be married, I don't want to lose myself and children at this point in our lives is out of the question.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Not a fan of the article. This is good advice for someone who is in that situation, sort of giving up their life for their partner without thinking about themselve. But for me its not value added. Me and my FI faced challenges before the engagement, face them during the engagement and I know they will be here after the wedding - cause that is just how life is. Im not living a fairytail life now, so I in no way think that I am going to have a fairy tell wedding and live happily ever after.

I agree to that she chose this life and made a mistake. I dont forsee this article saving many marriages - the divorce rate is still going to be high. Because we are humans and people change and stuff in life happens that affects us.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Having worked in professional sports and seeing, first hand, how some women literally throw themselves at professional athletes I really applaud the article. Many women think that marrying a professional athlete and becoming 'mrs lance armstrong' makes life worth living. However, as Kristin mentions, she wasn't just a groupie and hadn't set her sights on SOLELY becoming mrs. lance armstrong, but that's what her life, (because of her husbands obligations), required.

When I read this article, I saw it from a totally different perspective--I didn't see that much annimosity, I simply saw it as a 'reality check' to all those girls (and believe me when I say there are many) who set their sights on ONLY marrying someone rich or famous or both. Life as a professional athlete's wife DOES require extensive travel, time periods of separation, and 'outside distractions'. I think she was trying to illustrate that point.

While I do respect Lance as an athlete and for the charity work he does do, I do believe if he had tried a little harder at his marriage it could have worked. Now that Sheryl is out of the picture, maybe he'll gain a better perspective. And there is a terrific professional cyclist named Kristin Armstrong (I think she rides for Lipton Tea) but she is not the same woman as the author of this article.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by JanuaryBride06

I think that she's implying that there must be balance, which is something that their marriage never had because she let herself become so devoted to him that he didn't need to reciprocate.

I also don't see this as cynical - just honest.

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that's what I got out of it

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I don't see this article as cynical about marriage - and I just got married at the age of 26. I can see what she means ('writing thank you cards [two weeks later! whoa!] and grieving over my last name'...totally relate to that.)

She may have chose this life and chose the things that she did, but what she is saying is that as women, we need to heard, need to realize that an overpowering husband can drown out your sense of self.

Instead of cynical, I would say it's an honest reflection of her life and really, who are we to judge her life and experiences? I really appreciated her view.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by JanuaryBride06

because she let herself become so devoted to him that he didn't need to reciprocate.

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TOTALLY agree with this.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Great article, thanks for posting!! I don't feel she is being cynical and it definately makes you think about what you have to do for yourself when you are married. There is so much emphasis on 'becoming one' with each other that you forget that you will still have your own lives. I think it's something that we should all think about before marriage.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by leese

She may have chose this life and chose the things that she did, but what she is saying is that as women, we need to heard, need to realize that an overpowering husband can drown out your sense of self.

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I think the point some of us are trying to make is that she knew who Lance was, what he was like before she married him. Obviously, they never discussed what would happen after the wedding, or, if they did, why didn't she speak up then?

I saw the show with Oprah, and I too thought she sounded very bitter, especially when speaking about her children - I hope they weren't watching!

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by SomethingBlu

Thank you Leena!!

I guess I'm in the minority here, but I actually really love this article. It's needed. I know women like her. I'm actually forwarding it to my best friend.

Yes, a healthy marriage is about mutual love, communication, etc. But what about when it's not so healthy? What about all that 'looms in the darkness'? Let's not pretend it's a beautiful embrace from beginning to end - because it's not. The divorce rate doesn't lie.

And I agree with the poster who wrote about disliking Lance and Sheryl. I do too. Because as 'dark' as marriage can get, there's always a light...a will...a way. Forever is a very long time...and it takes two to make that pleasurable.

Again Leena...thanks for posting this!!

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I AGREE completely. I'm not putting down the institute of marriage, but too many young people don't GET IT. The hard work that goes into it. It's not all roses.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by VadersBride2006

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Posted by leese

She may have chose this life and chose the things that she did, but what she is saying is that as women, we need to heard, need to realize that an overpowering husband can drown out your sense of self.

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I think the point some of us are trying to make is that she knew who Lance was, what he was like before she married him. Obviously, they never discussed what would happen after the wedding, or, if they did, why didn't she speak up then?

I saw the show with Oprah, and I too thought she sounded very bitter, especially when speaking about her children - I hope they weren't watching!

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But I think she is admitting to being swept away, like many women are, because we are raised in a society that pushes cinderella stories on us from birth. She is admitting to her faults, and saying society needs to change. I agree completely. I don't think she is bitter, or maybe she is, but bitter that life up until age 26 told her that she should idealize life as a wife and not as a woman.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Let’s face it - there are women on these boards who are in unbalanced relationships. Who ultimately know they are entering a marriage where their needs will become second to those of their husbands.

Do I think Kristin Armstrong was making all marriages sound awful? NO
She was stating the fact that HER marriage was awful. Regretfully, we live in a society where marriages fail all the time. I’m sure Kristin has millions of women sympathizing with her. I think it was a story worth being heard. Still, in this day and age, women are bashing each other for juggling careers and raising children. I see it often on this site and I want to ring the necks of the woman who say, “If you can’t afford to stay at home with your children then don’t have any.” It is 2006 and women are still feeling the pressure to give up their dreams of having a successful career. Our worst critics are other women.

Rachel said, “but too many young people don't GET IT. The hard work that goes into it. It's not all roses.” I do agree with that statement, because young people may be entering marriages with unrealistic expectations HOWEVER there are so many older women in my life who are in one sided marriages. I actually think older generations are more passive and thrown into the “traditional” roles of their time. I know several women who are in miserable marriages yet continue living unhappily without saying a word of their misery.

I myself am considered to be very young, I’m 22, and don’t get me wrong I realize I have a lot to learn. That being said, I honestly feel that I am a wise, confident, intelligent, woman who is entering a marriage knowing that the journey will be challenging. I also know that the man I am marrying is a supportive partner who yearns to make sure my needs are met as well. I look forward to starting our life together but when we do, I plan on fostering my own self as much as I do now. Lastly, as much as I adore my FI and I am confident in our relationship I KNOW that if he turned around tomorrow and left me I’d still be able to function, I’d be able to support myself, pursue my dreams, accomplish my own goals and more.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I think anyone who starts a statement with 'The greatest conspiracy in modern history is not Watergate or the shooting of JFK; .it's something far more ingrained and insidious in the way it distorts the truth. The conspiracy is marriage is a little delusional. Obviously we all dream of fairy tale weddings and prince charming, but really, does anyone believe it? And if they do, then they really aren't ready for the marriage. Everyone in reality knows that even the best marriages have ups and downs and that they all take compromise. starting off the article with that kind of statement can't do anything other than convey bitterness. And unwarranted bitterness at that. To me, it's like believing in Santa Clause. It sounds to me like she came into the marriage with very unrealistic expectations. Yes, your wedding day may be a fairy tale, but hopefully, everyone knows that after that, it's back to the nitty gritty of real life

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I have to say that it is easier in retrospect to see that you have lost yourself than when it is happening thru everyday life - even though she should have spoken up, she may not have been aware that she was losing herself until after she realized - hey - where did I go? What happened to the things I used to do?

Being in a relationship where there are already kids involved, and moving quickly in the beginning, I realized I did lose some parts of myself that were so a part of my identity - I didn't realize it until later... The only thing, I no longer regret losing them, because in a lot of ways they were getting in the way of me growing and being in a relationship (I danced for hours each night, all my money went into competing - no room for that and a relationship) - I have learned to still do the things i love without having them define me - its never good to let yourself be defined by anything....

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by Beth1210

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Posted by JanuaryBride06

I think that she's implying that there must be balance, which is something that their marriage never had because she let herself become so devoted to him that he didn't need to reciprocate.

I also don't see this as cynical - just honest.

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that's what I got out of it

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Me too. I don't think she's necessarily bashing marriage...if you are the woman who is married and still keeps up individual interests, or you are the wife that enjoys making your life revolve around your kids and husband, then I don't think her gripe is with either of you.

I think her problem is with the woman who WANTS to keep up her own interests/hobbies, yet puts them aside because the societal notion that making your marriage last should be the predominant goal of your life, at any cost. I think she's implying that you should realize that you can be a good wife and your own person, and to learn from her mistake and never lose your sense of identity. Get married or stay single, but no matter which one you choose, keep your own sense of self as your foremost concern.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by VadersBride2006

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Posted by leese

She may have chose this life and chose the things that she did, but what she is saying is that as women, we need to heard, need to realize that an overpowering husband can drown out your sense of self.

---

I think the point some of us are trying to make is that she knew who Lance was, what he was like before she married him. Obviously, they never discussed what would happen after the wedding, or, if they did, why didn't she speak up then?

I saw the show with Oprah, and I too thought she sounded very bitter, especially when speaking about her children - I hope they weren't watching!

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But does she discuss the fact that she knew her husband inside and outbefore she married him? Cause I will tell ya, I'm married a month and a half and I am learning so much right now. All I am saying, is as someone who just got married at the age of 26, I can see where she is coming from...which is why I wouldn't call her bitter, just being honest.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Yeah i saw her on Oprah a couple of days ago. She brings up good points but i think they mainly apply to those who haven't been in relationships for too long or women who have a tendancy to be submissive to husbands. Nowadays, so many women are so career oriented with their own lives and responsibilites that i dont think they have time to lose themselves in their husbands.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I think she's pretty much just saying not to lose yourself. And I couldn't agree more.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

bump