What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Original post by leesah85

Apr 08, 2010 04:49 PM

So two of FH's cousins came to our e-party w/out a gift. We had a pretty formal e-party in a really nice restaurant where formal invitations went out, etc.

The cousins are both in their late 20s. One of them is married and the other is in a relationship w/ a guy she's been with for 10 years (but their not married). When the married cousin got married, they got married at city hall w/out telling anyone last year and are having a formal wedding this year. They didn't have an engagement party, so we didn't send an engagement gift.

Anyone think I'm crazy for expecting a gift for either/both of them? And to boot, the married cousin is in our BP!

I'm doing thank yous and was wondering if I should send them a card just thanking them for coming, but I'm having a hard time conceptualizing that.

Lil OC Posted: Apr 08, 2010 10:56 PM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

I know some ppl on these boards say that etiquette says that guests are not obligated to give a gift for an eparty or even a wedding. But I personally would NEVER attend any sort of party, especially an expensive one, and NOT bring a gift. I just wasnt brought up that way. My e-party was very formal and our guests kept saying how it was nicer than some weddings they'd been to. We had 88 guests and everyone brought a gift except for one friend . I invited her but knew that I wouldnt get a gift from her, but didnt care much because she is only 19 yrs old, in school full time, and not working. I did not send her a thank you card. I think a grown cousin not giving a gift is pretty awful. Not even a picture frame? Gimme a break!

LoveyDovey Posted: Apr 08, 2010 10:59 PM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

I'd be upset too...

sometimes people don't understand etiquette

or maybe they couldn't afford to give you something? I dont know their financial situation

anyway...do the right thing and send them a simple thank you card!

GlitterBox24 Posted: Apr 08, 2010 11:28 PM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Still send a thank you card. they were there for you/. I dont know me, but like a pevious poster said, i am also Dominican and in my culture Engagement parties are not done, and if they are no one would bring me a gift. I am even having a hard time with my aunts and uncles who just came this year or are coming for the Wedding, becuase in Dom. Rep. you never give $$ for a wedding, you actually take eh bridal shower gift there.,

Do you know if its anything regarding his culture? Upbringing... But still send a thank you, you dont know if they couldnt afford it, times are hard right now, and honestly its not easying having to give a E=party Gift, then a Bridal shower gift, then the Wedding gift, and if the girl in the BP then a bachaelorette expense.

in my HUMBLE opnion, is just think its to much, and even though its not custom in my family, i was born and raised here but would never have done an e-party, its asking for to much and i dont want to pressure ppl.

Ide be more pissed if they did this at he Bridal Shower or the wedding.

NewYorker09 Posted: Apr 09, 2010 08:37 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Gifts are absolutely NOT required at engagement parties. I think the fact that they are now expected by some people is wrong. I might be the wrong person to ask though, I'm very into etiquette and feel that a gift should never be 'expected', especially for an occasion where gifts are very optional. JMO

IrishBrideASmiling Posted: Apr 09, 2010 08:40 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by NewYorker09

Gifts are absolutely NOT required at engagement parties. I think the fact that they are now expected by some people is wrong. I might be the wrong person to ask though, I'm very into etiquette and feel that a gift should never be 'expected', especially for an occasion where gifts are very optional. JMO

Ditto

Dramatica Posted: Apr 09, 2010 08:43 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by Im getting Married

I was also raised to not go somewhere without a gift but in reality people are always expecting something...no one asked us to spend this money for these parties.

Also, as others posted Engagment party ~ People want $$, Bridal Shower people want ~Gift ($$) then most people have Bacholorette Parties ~ More $$ and we haven't even gotten to the wedding yet where everyone wants more $$$ or complains about people not giving enough

Sorry this is long winded but you should definately send them a thank you..not for a gift but thank them for coming to celebrate your engagement.

Well said. I agree with you completely

The other thing... who cares what your personal upbringing is? (ie I was taught never to go empty handed)
Yes, I was too ...but that notion wasn't build on reciprocity. Just because you decide to do something shouldn't mean you judge others differently because they don't.
Besides this is about marrying someone you love..not getting a down payment for a house.

cleokizzy Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:12 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by alli3131

Send a thank you for coming. The e-party and wedding are not about gifts!

hate to say it but ITA.

it's a nice gesture if the attendees (for the e-party or wedding) bring a gift but it's not really a requirement.

wenR Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:18 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

When I was planning my e-party last year I looked up the ettiquete and read that you don't ask for gifts for your e-party. Traditionally, the e-party is formally announcing your engagement and to have the families meet.
Your friends and family will be shelling out a lot of cash for your wedding. Between Formalwear(Dresses), Bridal Shower, then Wedding.
So that's what I read and I did not ask for gifts but most people gave us gifts anyway.

Soon2BRomeo Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:22 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by allornil

Posted by peaches42587

I would still send a thank you. Just write 'Thank you for coming and celebrating our engagement' and just leave it at that.

I agree, but i think it's sorta rude they didn't bring a gift. I bring a gift to everything!

I agree. The problem is you don;t know why they didn;t get you a gift. Maybe they just can't afford something right now, or many they are planning a supper amazing gift for the wedding.

little j Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:24 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

we had this happen. we sent a TY card thankin them for coming

FutureMrsDe Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:29 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

I dont go to someones house with out bringing something, how do you go to a party with out a gift

TheFutureMrs2011 Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:43 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

MrsVtoBe Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:45 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by peaches42587

I would still send a thank you. Just write 'Thank you for coming and celebrating our engagement' and just leave it at that.

I think something like this is perfect to write.

wiggleit28 Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:49 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by Melfrank

This happened to us.. but it wasn't like people flat out didn't give a gift.. A few people told us they 'forgot the card in the car'.. Needless to say, it's 2 months later and we haven't seen a gift..

LOL WOW....well that is just flat out tacky and obnoxious. If you aren't going to bring a gift just don't bring it! Don't lie about it like that. ew.

FutureJOC Posted: Apr 09, 2010 09:49 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by Jesebelle

It's actually not expected to bring a gift to an e-party. People probably started bring them because they didn't know, and now people expect them. Everything I've read about them states that guests do not have to bring gifts.

Agreed. Everything I've read about e-parties says that guests are not expected to bring a gift. Sure you may get a few gifts here and there (especially from the parents if they aren't the ones throwing it) but I don't think gifts a required. If I knew a couple had a registry or something set up for the e-party than I would probably buy a gift off the registry but if I was just sent an invitation to a party, I would probably not bring a gift. Then again, none of my friend who've been married had e-parties so I don't know what the norm is.

Either way, you should definitely still send a thank you note to them for attending the party.

TheFutureMrs2011 Posted: Apr 09, 2010 10:09 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

chrisandjeanne Posted: Apr 09, 2010 11:11 AM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

I would be a little insulted, but perhaps they really could just not afford to give a gift... I would def send a thank you for coming, but i would be worried about whether or not you would be getting a gift for the wedding.

quirkybride Posted: Apr 09, 2010 01:31 PM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

I'm embarrassed to say this, but I didn't even think about getting my best friend a gift for her engagement party. She had a party over her FHs parents house, it's wasn't formal. It was really just dumb of me...I didn't think of it. She never said anything about it. Recently I appologized to her when she was talking about other people getting her an engagement and that's actually when it dawned on me that I should have.

I know it's dumb...and I'm generally not dumb. Believe me I feel really really bad.

On a side note, I'm not having an engagement party. I decided to have a dinner party with the parents so the 6 of us can bond. I'm going to make everyone dinner and dessert.

futurestevens Posted: Apr 09, 2010 01:52 PM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

Posted by depoc1011

it's such an iffy topic....
no, the e-party and wedding are not about the money....

and usually they say its def not expected to bring a gift...

but to me, its just a thought that would be nice...a picture frame, an album, a little something....

i was raised to never go to a party empty handed, so that is what i go by personally....

ITA. I would never go empty handed personally, but i wouldn't crucify someone who didn't bring a gift to mine.

quirkybride Posted: Apr 09, 2010 02:31 PM

Re: What to do when someone doesn't bring a gift to your e-party/vent

if I could do it again I would bring a gift. I wasn't in the wedding world, I was thinking people don't usually give an engagement gift. Maybe I was naive, I'm going to blame it on not being as exposed to things.

Although I do think it's nice to bring a gift to an engagement party, I think all these gifts (the shower, engagement, wedding) paying for batchelorette stuff and dresses becomes a lot for people. My FH and I were considering having an engagement party and telling people not to bring a gift.