Would you be upset if your BM did this? (kinda long)

I sorta have two MOHs. My 2nd MOH just told me she is not coming to the Bachelorette Party because she knows that it will upset her BF because part of the plan includes going to a club.

Now, there's alot more to this story than I can ever write in a post, but suffice it to say that this boyfriend of hers is manipulating, controlling, hurtful, and borderline mentally abusive to her. No one in the family (she is my cousin) can stand her being with him, no one likes, him - not even her friends or her mom. She is not even herself when she is with him, she is always miserable but she is head over heels in love and is completely blind.

She has been a GHOST during this entire wedding planning. I don't expect her to be up my a s s with wedding stuff, but even a phone call that is not for the sole purpose of doing her a computer favor for her BF would have been nice during this past year.

I am so upset because she is so manipulated and my miss my REAL friend. We've already discussed her change in behavior with him and it's no use.... she claims she 'likes herself better this way'.... being a mental slave to him! I've never seen anyone become so brainwashed by another person in my entire life. Anyway.... the worst part is -- she didn't even TRY to discuss the BP with him. She's too worried that it will upset him so she won't even bring it up!!! That part infuriates me!!

I know that going clubbing is not everybody's thing, but hey, I'm only get married once and we aren't even having strippers!! I can't believe that she won't even TRY.

FH is livid and really really REALLY wants me to 'demote' her. He says that he just wouldn't feel right having her stand up as a MOH after all this crap. He says he can't even stand looking at her. It's funny because in the email she wrote me to break the news, she said that she's worried about the consequences going to a club would have on her RELATIONSHIP with her BF.... obviously, she could give two sh!ts about the consequences her behavior is having on OUR FRIENDSHIP.

I don't know what to do.... one my other BMs has been soooo wonderful through all this... I would really rather have HER as my other MOH at this point... I don't know if I can bring myself to do that ... or even if it's the right thing to do. I feel like I am always letting my friends walk all over me in ways like this and if she felt that her doing this would hurt our friendship, maybe she wouldn't do it... but obviously she thinks there are no consequences to screwing ME over, there never have been. I don't know what I'm saying anymore... I'm rambling so I'll stop but tell me what you would do in this situation???

Theres really not much advise I can offer - its hard because - she's family - and she does not realize that her boyfriend is controlling her.
All I can offer is a few hugs for you and I'm sorry you have to deal with this.

I agree-- ask her about it- tell her you feel that she is not really interested and she appears to have too many things going on in her life..

Tell her that you are hurt by her not coming to the BP-- be totally honest about how you feel-- without bringing up the deranged BF.

In the end- it is about you and her. If she can't put that ahead of her BF, she should be demoted.

It's totally tricky- but don't you deserve to be happy too?

I would be very upset too. I think you should either confront her on how this is really making you feel or just let it go and tell yourself you want her as a MOH b/c of what she was at one time. I am sorry you have to deal with this.

she thinks there are no consequences to screwing ME over, there never have been.

Maybe it is time you show her that there ARE consequences to being in this awful relationship with him. I would talk to her again, and let her know she is being demoted. (Not for one particular incident, but because the whole freindship seems to be down the tubes.)

Good luck!

I think it bothers you more that her bf is a jerk then her not coming to your party. Is there any way you can talk to her seriously about it. Tell her how concerned you are about her being controlled? Maybe you can talk to her mom? I am just throwing out ideas

Well, first off...I don't know how old she is but no one tells me where I can and cannot go. That is just ridiculous. If her BF won't let her hangout with you and she seems to be using for your computer knowledge....then I am with your FH, demote her. Being chosen as a MOH is an honor and she obviously does not know this.
Second. I was in a verbally abusive relationship...that didn't last too long. I am not speaking for your cousin, but when it happened to me, I opened my mouth and never saw him again. So it is possible to break free but some people are not as strong, so she is not to blame. No matter how much she wrongs you you need to know that he is manipulating her and they are most likely not her words.
I still think she should be demoted. Maybe that will show her that you are upset with behavior. Hopefully, she will be able to realize that something is not right.

I agree. If that is how you feel, and you understand your friendship might go from bad to worse, I woudl confront her with how you feel about the whole situation. I wouldn't focus on the boyfriend so much as her behavior and reactions. And then nicely tell her that it doesn't seem she is interested in being your MOH. See what she says. But it might be a way to lead in to the letting her off the hook and then you can ask your other friend to step in and be the MOH you want and deserve.

Good luck!

Is it possible that she just doesn't WANT to go out to a club? Maybe she doesn't want to hurt your feelings by saying that she just doesn't want to go out clubbing...

---

Posted by Blu-ize

why demote her. I think it would be less trouble to just let her off the hook altogether. If she wouldn't be a good MOH, the same problems are still there if she's a BM.

---

I agree!

Unfortunately, she's brainwashed and there's nothing you can say or do about it. - If she's willing to live her life through a man, and she LIKES it that way.......nothing you can say or do will change things.
I don't know if i'd have the nerve to demote her.......I'd WANT to- but i don't know if i could ever actually DO it. -
Talk to her about the whole situation, but prepare yourself b/c she's going to be defensive and upset............Good Luck !!

I don't think the BP is the issue here. I mean, if this were a good relationship, you would have to respect the boundaries.

Your issue is really the fact that your friend is not your friend really. I would demote her. She is definitely not acting like a MOH.

Sorry you have to be going through a situation like this. I send you
I honestly believe she is not in love with her BF but rather obsessed with him and viceversa. When you are truly in love, you respect your other's half as an individual and their choices. It definitely sounds like she's in a relationship where she is not respected but she obviously has self-esteem problems as well. It sounds like this BF might be abusing her in some way. I also feel that you are very hurt because she hasn't been there for you the way you expected her to be as MOH. Being a MOH is an honor but people have different priorities and perceive things differently. If I were in your shoes, I'd probably speak to her and let her know calmly and lovingly how much you missed her being part of this wonderful part of your life. I'd tell her how much it means to you for her to be there at your Bachelorette Party and enjoy with all of you. If this BF doesn't want her to go clubbing, he's doing this for his reasons and his own insecurities and maybe you can express to her your feelings about this. I think it will give you peace of mind and will also will help you to put closure regarding whatever decisions she makes. I'd ask her if she still wants to be one of the MOH but I'll not demote her or put her as a BM. That doesn't really solve the problem. If she wants to continue as a MOH, I will let her stand there next to you because she is family and because of the relationship you once had. You can let her know about your feelings for her BF and let her know that even though you do not think he's the right person for her, you still love her and would want very much for her to be a part of your special day. Perhaps this will help her put in perspective her relationship and maybe help her react and help her to move on. Hope all gets resolved

I feel sorry that she is making you feel this way...
but I also feel bad for her b/c she has herself in such a bad situation and she can't see it...

at least you are happily engaged and planinng such a special day...

I apologize ahead of time for the length of this, but I just had to respond. I went through the same problem with my friend before i got engaged. Her boyfriend was HORRIBLE - he was ALWAYS putting her down, our friends down, and especially me down (b/c I let him know what a jerk he was) - and she always defended him. It truly hurt to see this formerly vibrant, loving, smart, funny woman turned into a miserable mouse, with no sense of humor. And, EVERYTHING she did had to be cleared by him, but he could do whatever he pleased. After awhile, her friends and family recognized his behavior as nothing but abuse - emotional abuse, but abuse nonetheless. I know no one likes to call it that, but if your friend really is being isolated from everyone she loves and controlled, living in fear of his 'reaction' - she is a victim of abuse. She doesn't need demotion (I don't think), she needs your understanding and support. If you haven't had a conversation already with her, then you must. Leave the wedding out of it - tell her you are concerned for her and tell her why. If you have already had this conversation, then there is nothing you can do but keep a watchful eye out for escalation to physical abuse, and be there for her if and when she gets herself out of it. Women in abusive relationships can only get out of it if they are ready to do so, and if they feel they have support. So, make sure you tell her you love her, and you will always be here for her if she needs you. Luckily, my friend realized what a horrible relationship she was in, especially when NO ONE wanted to include her in the celebrations of my engagement - because of him. She broke it off, and now we're rebuilding our friendship. My friend feels terrible about all the events she feels she ruined in the past year b/c of this guy (even though its really his fault), and if and when your friend gets out of this relationship, she'll feel bad about how she behaved too. I know it's hard, but women in this situation need help - and certainly not to be left all alone. Good luck - and if you need more assistance, i would contact a local domestic violence hotline for how to help your friend. I hope things work out well.

She is 24 years old. This is her second time getting back together with this creep. She broke up with him the first time because of the way he treated her. We got the real her back for awhile and then they got back together and this time she decided that she LIKES this other person she's become when she's with him. Duh-- isn't that admitting that she can't even be herself when she is with him??

I had 'the talk' with her about him, his behavior, their relationship, how controlling he is etc etc etc... and that is her answer to me. In the end it's all worth it because she'd rather be with him than without him. It is truly sickening and saddening. :-