Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

Coming from outside the NY area it's not the norm where I come from to expect a gift.

I've posted about this before, but I was really taken aback at the first couple of LI weddings I went to that the bride and groom go around to tables to collect cards. I had no idea about the expectation or the amount of money you are 'expected' to give.

I'm not sure a Thank You card is required at all, but if you want to send them a thanks for being there card, that's your call.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

i was so pooped from our wedding that i didn't care all that much. there were only a couple of ppl from our wedding that neglected to give a gift. my husband felt disgusted by them (i thought his reaction was kinda funny). he 'forbid' me (jokingly/stern abotu it) to send them a thank you card but as an etiquette, ppl should bring something out of appreciation that'll ultimately become a jump start into the couple's marriage so i understand how you and my hub feel.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by dm24angel

I'll probably get flamed for this but I think that attitude of 'expecting' a gift is your problem.
I am sometimes ashamed to know that people are out there that have a wedding and expect either to get a gift, to have the guest 'pay' for their plate , or to complain about the amount of a gift.

Here's how I feel, maybe someone else does too. I am having a wedding to marry the man of my dreams. I am INVITING guests. They do not HAVE to bring a gift as I invited them for them. If I choose to have $150 pp reception dinner then unless I make people know their is a cover charge I cannot expect people to give or if they do, give what they can afford.
I have been a guest at a wedding where I have given $100 for me and FH because we were broke and I have been to weddings where we have given $500. Should I stay home if I cant afford anything?

I get realy opinionated over this so I will shut up now, because it infuriates me that people even expect a gift at a wedding. Thats presumptious and lends to the reason why weddings in NY cost $50,000!

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I wholeheartedly agree with you...and I am also very opinionated about this subject.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

We got some money and some gifts, both of which were appreciated. Two people did not give us either - not even a card. One of them is extremely poor and we didn't expect a gift, so that was fine, but...a card?

The other person makes a lot of money, does not have a family, and could definitely have afforded a gift - it's not like it's a big deal, I don't need his gift, we're still friends, we don't really care, and we're happy he was there. But it does just make me wonder...what was his reasoning? He's been to tons of weddings, is from LI, and was once married himself. I wonder if they got any cards or gifts at their wedding?

It wouldn't occur to me to attend a wedding without even a card. Like I said, I'm not outraged or mad at all, I just find it odd. Anyway, I didn't send him a thank you note yet because I don't know what to say...is 'thanks for sharing our day' enough? I don't want him to take it like we are trying to give him a 'reminder' that he didn't give us a gift.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

I would never go to a wedding and not give a gift/card. For me not to give a gift would be tacky and rude because I can afford to give something. If I was poor then it would be a different story. The very least they could do is give a card.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by carline

yeah grow up it happens welcome to world of people with no money but generous at heart .they showed you support,send a thank you a card and get over it.

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Wow, thats extremely harsh. Is that really necessary?

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by treilly13

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Posted by dm24angel

I'll probably get flamed for this but I think that attitude of 'expecting' a gift is your problem.
I am sometimes ashamed to know that people are out there that have a wedding and expect either to get a gift, to have the guest 'pay' for their plate , or to complain about the amount of a gift.

Here's how I feel, maybe someone else does too. I am having a wedding to marry the man of my dreams. I am INVITING guests. They do not HAVE to bring a gift as I invited them for them. If I choose to have $150 pp reception dinner then unless I make people know their is a cover charge I cannot expect people to give or if they do, give what they can afford.
I have been a guest at a wedding where I have given $100 for me and FH because we were broke and I have been to weddings where we have given $500. Should I stay home if I cant afford anything?

I get realy opinionated over this so I will shut up now, because it infuriates me that people even expect a gift at a wedding. Thats presumptious and lends to the reason why weddings in NY cost $50,000!

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I wholeheartedly agree with you...and I am also very opinionated about this subject.

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I'm on the same page. It's one of the reasons we didn't have an e-party - I didn't want people to feel obliged to buy us gifts. I am amazed when people who are married say how much they 'made' from the wedding, etc. I just think it's the wrong attitude to have...

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by IrishBride-05

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Posted by treilly13

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Posted by dm24angel

I'll probably get flamed for this but I think that attitude of 'expecting' a gift is your problem.
I am sometimes ashamed to know that people are out there that have a wedding and expect either to get a gift, to have the guest 'pay' for their plate , or to complain about the amount of a gift.

Here's how I feel, maybe someone else does too. I am having a wedding to marry the man of my dreams. I am INVITING guests. They do not HAVE to bring a gift as I invited them for them. If I choose to have $150 pp reception dinner then unless I make people know their is a cover charge I cannot expect people to give or if they do, give what they can afford.
I have been a guest at a wedding where I have given $100 for me and FH because we were broke and I have been to weddings where we have given $500. Should I stay home if I cant afford anything?

I get realy opinionated over this so I will shut up now, because it infuriates me that people even expect a gift at a wedding. Thats presumptious and lends to the reason why weddings in NY cost $50,000!

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I wholeheartedly agree with you...and I am also very opinionated about this subject.

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I'm on the same page. It's one of the reasons we didn't have an e-party - I didn't want people to feel obliged to buy us gifts. I am amazed when people who are married say how much they 'made' from the wedding, etc. I just think it's the wrong attitude to have...

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We did not have an e-party for the same reason.

I'm glad that at least some people agree with me.

My point is that if I'm having 150 people, I dont know who has money and who doesnt to spend on a gift and unless you know the situation, Don't judge and dont expect gifts, you will feel better in the end. I so want people to remember that a wedding is a party that you THROW to celebrate your marriage with family and friends . While it might be proper to bring a gift. If you truly are celebrating love and marriage etc then the gifts you didnt get would NEVER cross your mind.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by lillian771

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Posted by carline

yeah grow up it happens welcome to world of people with no money but generous at heart .they showed you support,send a thank you a card and get over it.

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Wow, thats extremely harsh. Is that really necessary?

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Seriously... but either way, I don't think it's the amount, but the thought... I find it rude and inconsiderate for people to show up without even a card wishing the couple a happy life together. I would never show up for a dinner party empty handed, and I sure as hell wouldn't show to a wedding without anything either.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

I guess different upbringings and traditions affect different behavior. My FH has been teaching me everyday, in his down-to-earth, loving way, what each moment of life is about. 2 people didn't show up to my shower at the very last minute, but neither have sent a gift in the mail like others who couldn't show up all along. At first I found this odd b/c I wasn't used to it, until a friend, who had shown up but w/out a gift, had emailed me to say that her gift would be late. I hadn't even REALIZED I didn't get a gift from her b/c I was so blessed w/ many things that day. My FH and I talked about how it wasn't about getting a gift - but about being surrounded by loved ones. She felt so badly about being gift-less and I felt badly about thinking about the other 2 folks who didn't show up or send a gift as displaying odd behavior. I felt petty and believe I was being so. Therefore, I feel it put things into perspective. Yes, I'd love to give something to a bride & groom and prefer to bring something to a dinner party or whenever I'm invited to someone's home, but there's more to life than displaying a certain image. Giving out of love, having one's heart in the right place is one thing...giving just b/c 'it's what you do' can be thoughtless, but no one knows it b/c they're just looking at the gift & this satisfies them. To each his own. I just wish us all love and good health. Enjoy your special days surrounded by LOVE.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

This question has been posed on the Newlywed Board--I know this was mentioned already, and I do go back and forth about this. Any gift that we received was a generous token and not expected. We have friends who we know are unable to give and want to and the fact that they were able to join us for the wedding is a gift in itself. It does get weird when you have family involved or close friends who you have given gifts to for their weddings, birthdays, baptism, etc., who don't send a card or a gift, but you can't have any expectations can you? I also try to remind myself that people have up to a year to give a gift and I myself have been guilty of waiting up to six months to give a gift to a couple My advice is to just wait and see. Try and remember its about the two of you and your commitment and that any gift that you receive is just icing on the cake (no pun intended).

We are in the process of picking out our thank you card and I do plan on sending them to everyone who attended the wedding regardless of gift or not. Just my 2 cents.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

first off, to clarify......i am not fishing for a gift. i wasn't 'expecting' people to bring me a gift....that's not the point. a card would have been nice, i think that's the part of a gift you hold on to forever anyway.
i was just wondering if anyone else had experienced this, and how you handle it in a thank you. i didn't know if it would have been weird to send a thank you and just say thanks for coming, etc.....would that look like i was fishing for something!??! ya know?!!? i can't believe how harsh some of the responses on here were. wow, i guess i'll keep my questions to myself......no need to tell me to 'grow up'.....i was asking for advice, that's all. no need to get so heated about it.
thanks to everyone who offered constructive advice.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by michaelp

Maybe I'm different then. I do expect a gift. If someone were to come and not give a gift I would be a little offended and I would think it's very rude and classless. Our wedding is an elegant affair, top of the line across the board, not a backyard bbq. Personally I couldn't attend a wedding and not give a gift. I was raised much better than that. Especially going through the whole process and realizing now how much money and time it really does require to pull it all together the way you want.
The funny thing from my experience though is that sometimes the people you think will give little end up giving the most and vice versa. I also wouldn't jump to conclusions if someone didn't get you a gift because maybe it's in the mail, maybe they forgot to leave it, maybe it was lost, whatever. Benefit of the doubt.
The other thing to consider is that, like people have mentioned, not everyone is financially well off these days. So if someone honestly cannot afford to give a gift -that's life and you should be happy they were able to attend and share in the day (and hopefully this is a limited number) - that I don't have a problem with. But don't think I'm going to see someone show up in what looks like a new dress, new $150 shoes, a new matching bag and no gift - that would definitely be addressed by me personally after the honeymoon. Because the wedding is about 'us' not them and by doing that in my opinion they have made it about 'them' and not us.

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I'm a little confused by your post. First, you say that it's 'rude and classless' to attend a wedding without giving a gift. Then, you say 'if someone honestly cannot afford to give a gift - that's life and you should be happy they were able to attend.' Which is it?

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

you thank them for celebrating in your day



and it did not seem like this gal wanted the gift she did mention that there was not even a card! Ihad a BM just give a card and that was fine. you would hope everyone would at least give a card congratulating you.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

I think it is rediculous to not show up with at least a card. I do think different people who grew up differently view this topic in different ways. The way my family sees it is that we do what we can but we always give a gift because we have always given gifts to others in my family it is expected that when its your turn you get a gift, Its just the way it is. FH family is a totally different story. At my engagement party his siter and MOH said oh I dont have any $$$ but when you need to pay for something for the wedding in the future Ill give you $$. I thought that was so rediculous I would never ask her for $$$ after the party. His brother & BM didnt bring a gift or a card either and FH sees nothing wrong with it. Mean while I was in his brothers wedding and I spent alot of $$$ on it. And its not like he doesny have it. So it depends on how you are but I think its wrong to not bring a gift.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by jenniesunshine

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Posted by michaelp

Maybe I'm different then. I do expect a gift. If someone were to come and not give a gift I would be a little offended and I would think it's very rude and classless. Our wedding is an elegant affair, top of the line across the board, not a backyard bbq. Personally I couldn't attend a wedding and not give a gift. I was raised much better than that. Especially going through the whole process and realizing now how much money and time it really does require to pull it all together the way you want.
The funny thing from my experience though is that sometimes the people you think will give little end up giving the most and vice versa. I also wouldn't jump to conclusions if someone didn't get you a gift because maybe it's in the mail, maybe they forgot to leave it, maybe it was lost, whatever. Benefit of the doubt.
The other thing to consider is that, like people have mentioned, not everyone is financially well off these days. So if someone honestly cannot afford to give a gift -that's life and you should be happy they were able to attend and share in the day (and hopefully this is a limited number) - that I don't have a problem with. But don't think I'm going to see someone show up in what looks like a new dress, new $150 shoes, a new matching bag and no gift - that would definitely be addressed by me personally after the honeymoon. Because the wedding is about 'us' not them and by doing that in my opinion they have made it about 'them' and not us.

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I'm a little confused by your post. First, you say that it's 'rude and classless' to attend a wedding without giving a gift. Then, you say 'if someone honestly cannot afford to give a gift - that's life and you should be happy they were able to attend.' Which is it?

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I thought I was the only one who noticed this -

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

Here's how I feel, maybe someone else does too. I am having a wedding to marry the man of my dreams. I am INVITING guests. They do not HAVE to bring a gift as I invited them for them. If I choose to have $150 pp reception dinner then unless I make people know their is a cover charge I cannot expect people to give or if they do, give what they can afford.
I have been a guest at a wedding where I have given $100 for me and FH because we were broke and I have been to weddings where we have given $500. Should I stay home if I cant afford anything?

.

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We did not have an e-party for the same reason.

I'm glad that at least some people agree with me.

My point is that if I'm having 150 people, I dont know who has money and who doesnt to spend on a gift and unless you know the situation, Don't judge and dont expect gifts, you will feel better in the end. I so want people to remember that a wedding is a party that you THROW to celebrate your marriage with family and friends . While it might be proper to bring a gift. If you truly are celebrating love and marriage etc then the gifts you didnt get would NEVER cross your mind.





I whole heartedly agree. Very well said.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift, that's just me.

Do like some of the others said, and send a thank-you card expressing your thanks that they shared in your special day. That's would I would do. I however would make a mental note if I were ever invited to a wedding of theirs!!

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by leighdvm

I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift, that's just me.

Do like some of the others said, and send a thank-you card expressing your thanks that they shared in your special day. That's would I would do. I however would make a mental note if I were ever invited to a wedding of theirs!!

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Are you kidding me? What if they couldnt afford it? BUT YOU could, you would then give less to them? and you see NOTHING wrong with this?

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by leighdvm

I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift, that's just me.

Do like some of the others said, and send a thank-you card expressing your thanks that they shared in your special day. That's would I would do. I however would make a mental note if I were ever invited to a wedding of theirs!!

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Are you kidding me? What if they couldnt afford it? BUT YOU could, you would then give less to them? and you see NOTHING wrong with this?

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This way of thinking really saddens me. It takes away from the true meaning of the day.