Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by leighdvm

I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift, that's just me.

Do like some of the others said, and send a thank-you card expressing your thanks that they shared in your special day. That's would I would do. I however would make a mental note if I were ever invited to a wedding of theirs!!

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Are you kidding me? What if they couldnt afford it? BUT YOU could, you would then give less to them? and you see NOTHING wrong with this?

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No, I don't. That's clearly why I wrote what I did.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by leighdvm

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by leighdvm

I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift, that's just me.

Do like some of the others said, and send a thank-you card expressing your thanks that they shared in your special day. That's would I would do. I however would make a mental note if I were ever invited to a wedding of theirs!!

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Are you kidding me? What if they couldnt afford it? BUT YOU could, you would then give less to them? and you see NOTHING wrong with this?

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No, I don't. That's clearly why I wrote what I did.

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My own opinion is that is a VERY wrong way of thinking. are you getting married because you love your husband to be or to get gifts? When you go to a wedding after yours, will you look at a piece of paper where you wrote down how much everyone gave you before you decide how much to give to them? I think like someothers have said ....that mentality is what makes this world the money hungry place it is and it more classless in my mind then not giving a gift.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by leighdvm

I would never attend a wedding and not give a gift, that's just me.

Do like some of the others said, and send a thank-you card expressing your thanks that they shared in your special day. That's would I would do. I however would make a mental note if I were ever invited to a wedding of theirs!!

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Are you kidding me? What if they couldnt afford it? BUT YOU could, you would then give less to them? and you see NOTHING wrong with this?

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I know of lots of people who (unfortunately) think this way.

One example is my DH's SIL - she made notes of what everyone gave them at their wedding...and to this day (some 12 years later) *still* mentions how their cousin 'only gave $75'.

When this cousin got married a few years ago, the SIL 'returned the favor' and 'only gave her $75'.

In the SIL's case, she can most certianly afford more than $75 - she was just being spiteful.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

a little off topic, but my fh & i 'argue' about the $$ issue since we have been together, just about. see he wants to at least 'make back' what we spend on the hall. i say the wedding is not about that. people will give what they can afford. since we come from similar backgrounds we know that we are not going to walk away from this wedding with 50k in profit in our pockets. we are not looking to turn a profit on our wedding. fh sees it differently then me and we talk about it. but i don't expect everyone who comes to 'cover their plate.' i think that is antiquated and makes those that cannot afford $150 a plate for 2 people embarrased that they can only give $50 or $100. this is jmo and please feel free to disagree.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

'If you truly are celebrating love and marriage etc then the gifts you didnt get would NEVER cross your mind.'




i am really hurt that you can even say something like that in regards to my wedding and what i was 'celebrating'. to all of you who responded extremely rudely, i did marry the man of my dreams, i am the luckiest girl on the face of the earth, i had the best day i ever could have dreamed of.....that being said, i don't need to be judged by any of you over something i was merely asking for an opinion on. a simple response of, 'you should send them a thank you for sharing in your day' or 'it's not about the gift as much as it is that they took the time to be there on your day' would have been a perfect answer.....which is how i felt, my question to all of you was how do i and should i send a thank you. i can't tell you how hurt i am at the reactions that this crowd has given me. it was totally uncalled for. before you write something on here remember that you don't know me and what type of person i am.

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what are you talking about?? this is a public forum and all of us have our own opinions and we will post them and don't call us 'rude' for disagreeing with you. i only speak for myself, but as far as i can see, no one put down your wedding or your dh. if you can't take the heat, get out of the kitchen.

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Posted by babygirl0918

i am really hurt that you can even say something like that in regards to my wedding and what i was 'celebrating'. to all of you who responded extremely rudely, i did marry the man of my dreams, i am the luckiest girl on the face of the earth, i had the best day i ever could have dreamed of.....that being said, i don't need to be judged by any of you over something i was merely asking for an opinion on. a simple response of, 'you should send them a thank you for sharing in your day' or 'it's not about the gift as much as it is that they took the time to be there on your day' would have been a perfect answer.....which is how i felt, my question to all of you was how do i and should i send a thank you. i can't tell you how hurt i am at the reactions that this crowd has given me. it was totally uncalled for. before you write something on here remember that you don't know me and what type of person i am.

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This is an open forum...People should not get hurt over other peoples opinions. There is no way you can post something without people saying how they feel and if you knew from your recent post above what you 'wanted' to hear then why post in the first place?

I didnt say you were a bad person. I said the fact that you took the time to post about 3 people not bringing gifts is WHAT I THINK
( and maybe just me) is wrong with the world and weddings in general these days.


I know you married your husband out of love....remember that and dont watse a second on what people 'didint' do for you. Yes, you send a thank you, the thank you's are for them taking time of out their busy lives to celebrate your marriage NOT for the gift you apparently expected everyone to bring. While I said above that the gift giving is appropraite is is NOT what thank yous are about. Maybe some people need to learn that.

Enough said. I didnt mean to hurt, insult or upset anyone. I get very very mad when I see people talk about how much they 'get' out of something.

Maybe the gift is on its way? If I was at a wedding and forgot the card at home, or decided to wait a few weeks till I was finacially secure and send a gift and found out the bride or groom actually questioned where it was...well, I would question my relationship with them.

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well said donna.

Re: guests came and didn't give a gift?!!??

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Posted by Jordan

I know of lots of people who (unfortunately) think this way.

One example is my DH's SIL - she made notes of what everyone gave them at their wedding...and to this day (some 12 years later) *still* mentions how their cousin 'only gave $75'.

When this cousin got married a few years ago, the SIL 'returned the favor' and 'only gave her $75'.

In the SIL's case, she can most certianly afford more than $75 - she was just being spiteful.

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It's crazy. My MIL has also expressed views just like that....(1) that people should 'cover their plate', and (2) that guests should give us at least as much as she gave at their (or their children's) wedding. She also had 'the list' of what they had given at previous weddings and wanted to compare that to our gifts. Pretty horrible way of thinking, IMO.

Inviting someone to a wedding is inviting them to celebrate a major event with you, and if they want to give a gift, that's very nice. It should have nothing to do with the cost of the wedding (how would they know the cost anyway? and why should they have to pay more just because I happened to choose an expensive type of party?), and need not match gifts from the past. We got lots of wonderful gifts and beautiful thoughts written in cards; we also didn't get gifts at all from quite a few people, and we certainly didn't come anywhere near 'making back the money' we paid for the hall - nor would I have expected to. I just don't think one thing has anything to do with the other. JMHO.

ETA: It took me awhile to type this, and by the time I posted I saw the few new posts above mine. Hope this doesn't hurt anyone's feelings; I'm just contributing my opinion on the issue just like everyone else does all over the boards. And for the record, it DID actually cross our minds, realizing who gave gifts and who didn't - it's just that we realized it doesn't really matter or necessarily reflect poorly on the guest.

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on the other end of it...I was once a guest at a wedding and by some weird occurrence my envelope was never received by the B&G. I unfortnately gabve cash, so I didn't notice that one of my checks had not been cashed. I did not know until all my other friends got their TY that something was even out of joint. When I approached the groom (who I was friends with, not the bride) I asked if something was wrong. He didn't even know, but when he approached his wife she told him I was a deadbeat & I was not getting a TY b/c she had nothing to thank me for

I thought it was pretty crappy & of course by then it was too late to try & figure out where my envelope had gone. It turns out a few people there had this problem (a lot of us gave cash b/c he is a bouncer & we all knew each other from the clubs), and she just thought all his 'bar friends' were being deadbeats. Well, I ended up giving them another gift, but I just wanted to share the other side of the coin.

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So sorry you were offended by some in here. I was one who said you answered your own question, send a thank you. But this is an online service. If you ask for an ‘opinion’ you’re gonna get some you disagree with. Obviously you weren’t alone with the disagreement either.

However you just said
“………, 'you should send them a thank you for sharing in your day' or 'it's not about the gift as much as it is that they took the time to be there on your day' would have been a perfect answer.....which is how i felt,”

If this was how you felt, why did you pose the question? It seems like it was an opening for this argument of what a guest is ‘worth’. I disagree that a guest should be required to give a gift. I think showing up is enough period. Afterall *I* invited them.

Even so, some stuff said here could be considered a bit harsh. You’re right they don’t know you but the same is true for you not knowing them. To some, they were only stating their views in general to a topic and not meaning to ‘attack’ or ‘offend’ you.

Take a deep breathe, look at your hubby and smile. It’s just an online thread. No biggie.

Re: ....

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Posted by HearzBellz

on the other end of it...I was once a guest at a wedding and by some weird occurrence my envelope was never received by the B&G. I unfortnately gabve cash, so I didn't notice that one of my checks had not been cashed. I did not know until all my other friends got their TY that something was even out of joint. When I approached the groom (who I was friends with, not the bride) I asked if something was wrong. He didn't even know, but when he approached his wife she told him I was a deadbeat & I was not getting a TY b/c she had nothing to thank me for

I thought it was pretty crappy & of course by then it was too late to try & figure out where my envelope had gone. It turns out a few people there had this problem (a lot of us gave cash b/c he is a bouncer & we all knew each other from the clubs), and she just thought all his 'bar friends' were being deadbeats. Well, I ended up giving them another gift, but I just wanted to share the other side of the coin.

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That was nice to share..thinsg happen like that. I once gave a check as a gift that bounced and it bounced not because I didnt have the money because I had thousands in savings but I forgot to move money over to checking. It was re-deposited and all was good. BUT..if I found out that the bride or groom said something about a silly mistake I made, I would totally question my friendship to that person.

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Posted by dm24angel

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Posted by HearzBellz

on the other end of it...I was once a guest at a wedding and by some weird occurrence my envelope was never received by the B&G. I unfortnately gabve cash, so I didn't notice that one of my checks had not been cashed. I did not know until all my other friends got their TY that something was even out of joint. When I approached the groom (who I was friends with, not the bride) I asked if something was wrong. He didn't even know, but when he approached his wife she told him I was a deadbeat & I was not getting a TY b/c she had nothing to thank me for

I thought it was pretty crappy & of course by then it was too late to try & figure out where my envelope had gone. It turns out a few people there had this problem (a lot of us gave cash b/c he is a bouncer & we all knew each other from the clubs), and she just thought all his 'bar friends' were being deadbeats. Well, I ended up giving them another gift, but I just wanted to share the other side of the coin.

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That was nice to share..thinsg happen like that. I once gave a check as a gift that bounced and it bounced not because I didnt have the money because I had thousands in savings but I forgot to move money over to checking. It was re-deposited and all was good. BUT..if I found out that the bride or groom said something about a silly mistake I made, I would totally question my friendship to that person.

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Thanks...for the record I stopped talking to them very shortly after that

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i think i'm a bit oversensitive today. you're all right, i guess i did already know the answer to my own question, so i should've just gone with my gut. i just wasn't sure if there was etiquette on this kind of thing. sorry if anyone got all fired up about this topic, that was never my intention. i just really wanted to know what other people thought. i guess i just didn't expect some of the responses i received. (i pretty much NEVER post on here). anyway, i know what i'm going to do. so, i guess in some sense, despite everyone's opinion i answered my own question. next time i guess i'll think about the question before i ask it......

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Posted by babygirl0918

i think i'm a bit oversensitive today. you're all right, i guess i did already know the answer to my own question, so i should've just gone with my gut. i just wasn't sure if there was etiquette on this kind of thing. sorry if anyone got all fired up about this topic, that was never my intention. i just really wanted to know what other people thought. i guess i just didn't expect some of the responses i received. (i pretty much NEVER post on here). anyway, i know what i'm going to do. so, i guess in some sense, despite everyone's opinion i answered my own question. next time i guess i'll think about the question before i ask it......

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First of all:

Second of all, never apologize for wanting an opinion....just keep in mind here sometimes you may get more than you bargained for

I hope this doesn't prevent you from posting in the future

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thank you to both of you.......thank god it's time for the weekend, i think i need it!

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Posted by babygirl0918

thank you to both of you.......thank god it's time for the weekend, i think i need it!

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amen to the weekend!!!

3 days off for me!!

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Posted by palebride

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Posted by babygirl0918

thank you to both of you.......thank god it's time for the weekend, i think i need it!

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amen to the weekend!!!

3 days off for me!!

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I wish.. I am working all weekend

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Posted by lorsin

Coming from outside the NY area it's not the norm where I come from to expect a gift.

I've posted about this before, but I was really taken aback at the first couple of LI weddings I went to that the bride and groom go around to tables to collect cards. I had no idea about the expectation or the amount of money you are 'expected' to give.

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Ack. This is where I think the 'I am entitled's get mixed up with the 'I am a gracious host's. In my family at least, the bride and groom are expected to go to every table, NOT to collect gifts, but to make sure that EVERY guest is greeted and made to feel that their presence, alone, means a lot. My cousins all did this, and so will I and my FH. I was taught you go to the table, thank people for coming, and make sure they're enjoying themselves. I know, we're getting married and they're there to celebrate us, but I would feel AWFUL if someone took time on their Saturday to be with us, and I did not acknowledge their presence. Some people give us cards then, which is fine. It's convenient for them, they want to give us a gift and well, we're there. But I am not going around to collect money, I'm going around to thank my guests for coming. So, lorsin, it makes me sad that you went to a wedding where an opportunity to be gracious and welcoming turned into a collection plate. Yuck, yuck, yuck. That is just tacky - I feel bad those NY brides and grooms made you feel that way!! You should never feel obligated to give a gift - anywhere. By the way, I agree with the majority of the posters. I've said it on other posts, but a gift is definitely a bonus. Their presence is gift enough.

ETA - To the lady who posted this, I'm sorry if you felt beat up on. This topic breathes fire into a lot of people. And you're not alone, I ask for advice sometimes, knowing I already know what I should do, and people think I am nuts for asking. It happens - we all doubt ourselves once in awhile. I hope you still feel welcome. Enjoy your weekend!!!