'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

'What I wish I had known about marriage'
By Kristin Armstrong

Kristin Armstrong, the ex-wife of cyclist Lance Armstrong, believes that too many women leave their true selves behind at the altar. Here's the wedding day advice she wishes someone had given her. (See Armstrong on 'Oprah,' May 9, 2006, on ABC at 4 P.M. EDT, 3 P.M. PDT. Check local listings for more information.)


The greatest conspiracy in modern history is not Watergate or the shooting of JFK; it's something far more ingrained and insidious in the way it distorts the truth. The conspiracy is marriage. It's not that I don't respect the institution and the belief I've cherished since childhood of what such a union could be. One heartbreaking and publicly failed marriage later, I actually revere marriage more at age 34 than I did as a blushing bride of 26.

The problem is that when a young woman announces her engagement, everyone is quick to roll out the matrimonial red carpet by throwing showers and obsessing over wedding day plans. This helps a bride prepare for the reality of marriage about as much as nine months of baby showers and nursery decorating prepare a gestating woman for the awesome task of raising a child: not at all.

Perhaps we are all guilty of holding on too tightly to our own Cinderella stories, thinking that the glass slipper of the perfect marriage will conform to us uniquely. Engagement, like pregnancy, is a fleeting and hopeful time, and those who have gone before hesitate to disrupt this dream with a dose of reality. So we carry a young woman toward the threshold of her new identity as wife and mother and abruptly drop her off at the curb, peeling out on two wheels with a honk and a wave and a wish for good luck.

Here is the truth as I see it: Marriage has the potential to erode the very fiber of your identity. If you aren't careful, it can tempt you to become a 'yes woman' for the sake of salvaging your romantic dream. It can lure you into a pattern of pleasing that will turn you into someone you'll hardly recognize and probably won't like. I am warning you because I only wish someone had warned me.

The incredible disappearing woman

Ten years ago I never would have expected my life to turn out quite the way it did. At 24 I had bought my first house and was working for a high-tech company in Austin, Texas. I had adopted a dog named Jake from the pound and drove a cute little green Miata that I paid for in full. I was career-minded and single-minded. I was also headstrong and naive; I treasured my self-sufficiency so much that I scoffed at women who gave up their jobs, stayed home to take care of children or relied on men for anything.

Then I fell in love. I met Lance Armstrong, the Texas cyclist who was battling testicular cancer, at a press conference I'd planned for his foundation's first cancer fund-raiser. Soon I was joyfully sporting an engagement ring with a hefty rock the size of my dilated pupil in a darkroom. I was so enamored with my new stature as part of a couple that I paid more attention to my left hand than to readying my heart for the journey ahead. I quit my job, rented out my house, gave my dog to an old boyfriend, sold my car and moved to France so Lance could reenter the world of professional cycling. We got married and promptly had three children—a son and then twin daughters—who were breast-fed, toted between countries and utterly adored by their devoted, full-time, stay-at-home mommy. (So much for my scoffing.)

My memories tell the real story. I remember being a bride of two weeks, writing thank-you notes and pondering the strange ache in my heart as I grieved for my old name and independent self. And postpartum me in 1999, weeping for apparently no reason in the middle of the night as I sat on a sofa-size maxi-pad and rocked my crying newborn, Luke, while feeling utterly and terrifyingly alone.

If you ask me today what I truly love, I can easily tell you I love God, my family, my friends, fireworks displays, a good red wine, staying up late with a mystery novel, a sweaty run, painting abstract art, indulging my organizational compulsions, laughing until no sound comes out and taking my time. If you had asked me when I was married what I loved, I would have automatically told you the things that I loved about my husband: the confident, easy way he traveled between countries adapting to cultures and languages, or the way he could fearlessly MSH (our acronym for 'Make **** happen,' something we both excel at), or the little-known fact that he is a good photographer. I forgot my own list (and I'm a list girl!). Making him happy became my happy.

So this once-devout Catholic stopped going to church because it was inconvenient. Between my husband's seven-day training schedule and the impossibility of my attending solo with twin infants and a rowdy toddler in a cathedral with a Latin mass and no nursery, I gave up. I quit reading late into the night because the light was bothersome to a tired athlete who needed sleep. I put all the energy and skills that made me a good manager and account executive into errands, planning and mothering. But the beauty of a wife is not found in those things. The beauty of a wife is in her being, not in her doing. During those years I perfected my doing and neglected my being. I remember the day that revelation first hit me: I made a joke to Lance about being opinionated, and he looked at me, sincerely confused: 'You?'

Getting back the real me

If I were to do things over again, I wouldn't have thrown myself so irrevocably into my new life. I would have guarded the things that made me feel like me —the places, the friends —and above all I would have spoken up about my needs. Instead, I will leave you with a lesson about how a woman can hold on to the bright, hard flame of who she is.

If your husband asks what you think, tell him. If you have a preference, voice it. If you have a question, ask it. If you want to cry, bawl. If you need help, raise your hand and jump up and down. I spent five years juggling kids, travel, cooking, smoothing. I never once said that I couldn't do it on my own, or that I was just plain tired. I became a prisoner to my own inability to say uncle when life squeezed me too hard. The warden was pride, and I remained in maximum security.

The time may come when you realize that the only way to restore the meaning to your marriage is to get back the real you. It requires warrior-size courage to take a stand against the miscommunication, deception and emotional distance that breed in the shadows of inauthenticity. You will have to boldly step up to the line and speak from your heart. You will have to own your words (spoken and unspoken), your actions (done and undone) and the consequences of both. If I ever marry again, I will have cue cards prepared with 'Yes, I do know what I want,' 'Make me laugh and I'll get over it' and 'I need you, please help me.'

I know that one day my daughters will face these same challenges. At age four they are already starting to form their own dreams of a handsome prince on a white horse. Without destroying the beautiful elements of their innocence, I long to prevent them from a disappointment like mine —so with each step between now and then, I vow to myself and to them to be real. I hope that as they watch me painstakingly reclaim my hard-earned authenticity, they will manage to guard their own. And when they do decide to wed, they will bring to their marriages the greatest gift of all: a unique and unshakable sense of self.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Thanks for posting this!

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

WOW

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

wow

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

She kind of makes marriage sound awful, but I see her point. Thanks, I wondered what she'd said...I do not watch Oprah.

eta--I didn't want to be the first to say it, but yeah, she sounds a little bitter...as most people do after a break up....very few people have peacful, amicable break ups.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

FH and I talk all the time about the institution of marriage and how it can sap the identities of both husband and wife... I think truly understanding that going in is important - knowing we will still be ourselves, only together....

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I agree and disagree so much with this article. I can definitely sense the resentment in her tone. I think she felt that she slowly died being married to a man who so actively pursued his dream while she supported him profusely forgetting about her own hopes and dreams.

So many brides do get caught up in the idea of a wedding day with the big white dress, flowers, etc. and tend to forget about the aftermath and all that this day implies. The reality of marriage is about compromise and embarking on a life together acting out the very vows they made on their wedding day. Unfortunately many marriages cannot balance this act and with that one person tends to feel neglected. Hence, Lance Armstrong's x wife.

Marriage to me is a balancing act between two people. Actions of love, support, sacrifice, and comfort. As a result romance doesn't die. It's not about a whirlwind of emotions that just suddenly appear everyday for the rest of your life, it's an ongoing process.

I love doing things for my husband, whether it is actions of support or a homecooked meal. However, the key is appreciation and the reciprocation of the act. Whereas I do respect her article I find her perception of marriage to be a bit cyncial and jaded.

Like all things, it is what we put into it. I agree that each person in a marriage does become one with their SO but you must not let your individuality die with this union. If you can balance the two then marriage can be exciting and comforting all at the same time.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by RVCBride

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Well said!

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I remember when my ex boyfriend and I were thinking about marriage - at the time I wanted the wedding soooo badly, i was ready to jump in!

I remember one night, it hit me - after the party and the white dress, then what?

I frantically searched my brain and thought... kids?

That freaked me out, that I was already planning kids as something else to 'do' to stay happy with my ex - huge recipe for disaster...

I broke up with him the following week!!! It was painful, but it was the best decision of my life...

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

BTW - I just did a search on her - look at these pics... In every pic she is the loyal wifey supporting him...

BTW - she cycled too...

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Thank you for taking the time to post this.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Ya know, I've hated Lance Armstrong for several years when I heard he left his wife for Sheryl Crow. And I use hated because I truly do not like him. Did you know they had separated and then got back together, then he met Sheryl and that was the end. She stood by him through all his endeavors and he just walked out on her.

Now back to her article, I think it's good and she being the one who got hurt- has a lot of reflection on the subject of marriage that we don't. It's all good advice, no matter how she puts it. I've always felt for her and I'm glad to see she's getting a little of the spotlight now and sharing her side.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

oh and she's not the olympic cyclist Kristin Armstrong, that's someone else.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

WOW! That is amazing. Who knew? Reading something like that can be very scary, espcially for someone who is about to get married at 24! Don't get me wrong, we are differene people with different lives and goals, but all I can say is WOW!

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I think that she's implying that there must be balance, which is something that their marriage never had because she let herself become so devoted to him that he didn't need to reciprocate.

I also don't see this as cynical - just honest.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by RVCBride

So many brides do get caught up in the idea of a wedding day with the big white dress, flowers, etc. and tend to forget about the aftermath and all that this day implies. The reality of marriage is about compromise and embarking on a life together acting out the very vows they made on their wedding day.

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I have to agree with this. For me the first couple of months were so hard. DH and I didn't live together before the wedding. We only spent Fri-Sun together, which is not the same. We are both also older so we are really both set in our ways. After the wedding and honeymoon is when reality really set it. DH and I have talked about this, and I've told him that the first and second month were not at all what I thought it would be. Being a newlywed does not mean it's all champagne and roses all the time. I think I just had this fantasy in my head about what newlywed life is.

Now 6 months later we are 'having fun' and have pretty much worked out alot of kinks that were there first couple of months. We're used to being in eachother's space now and we are respectful of when we need our privacy.

Marriage is definately work from day 1, but it's the most rewarding work I've had so far in my life.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

Reading that freaks me out. Here's this woman totally devoted to her family and marriage, almost to a fault, and it all fell apart on her. It can happen to anyone. It starts putting 'what ifs' in my head and to doubt everything I have with FH, even though I have absolutely no reason to. But I'm sure she thought that and so did every other divorcee out there.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I definitely hang out with my friends less and talk to them less on the phone. I definitley dont go out and have fun like I used to either. So in a sense I feel like my identity is changing too but who's to say it's not for the better? I think it's part of maturing too. I dont know, but her statement is definitely food for thought.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

I read this in Glamour mag a few weeks ago. I was actually angry after reading this article.

She CHOSE that life for herself. She CHOSE to drop everything of herself and have children right away and to leave herself behind and travel with her husband. She made her husband and children her whole life and lost herself, but that's what she did, not something her husband did to her.

It's a good article in the sense that it reminds women to make sure they don’t lose their identity, and to make sure they express what THE Ywant more. There are plenty of women who immediately start families quit their jobs, have their whole lives revolve around their husbands, and they’re happy and content their whole lives, and it's exactly what they want. She chose the wrong match for herself and I feel the article sounds very bitter – remember she MADE those choices, this was not some arranged marriage or forced family.

Some of the advice is good, you need to speak up and make sure you don’t let yourself be steam rolled, you need to make sure you and your FH are PARTNERS and split things 50/50 and both give 100%. I think these problems happen because too many people accept less from their partners, one partner gives or tries much harder than the other – I see it with brides here even.

I realize now I myself stayed in relationships like that because I didn’t KNOW any better – I THOUGHT I was in a good relationship. Now that I have my FH I realize that BOTH people can be completely equal. They can love each other equally and do things for each other the same, and both put in a huge effort to make the other one happy because they WANT to. Because making the other one happy makes them happy, not because they’re desperate to make the other person love them more or keep them in the relationship. Why did she drop everything to travel the world and have his children? If she didn’t want those tings than she should have spoken up and if she DID want those things, than that was the life she chose. JMO, anyone can feel free to disagree but my FH and I are older (33 & 42) and that's just my observation.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by kittythestray

I read this in Glamour mag a few weeks ago. I was actually angry after reading this article.

She CHOSE that life for herself. She CHOSE to drop everything of herself and have children right away and to leave herself behind and travel with her husband. She made her husband and children her whole life and lost herself, but that's what she did, not something her husband did to her.

It's a good article in the sense that it reminds women to make sure they don’t lose their identity, and to make sure they express what THE Ywant more. There are plenty of women who immediately start families quit their jobs, have their whole lives revolve around their husbands, and they’re happy and content their whole lives, and it's exactly what they want. She chose the wrong match for herself and I feel the article sounds very bitter – remember she MADE those choices, this was not some arranged marriage or forced family.

Some of the advice is good, you need to speak up and make sure you don’t let yourself be steam rolled, you need to make sure you and your FH are PARTNERS and split things 50/50 and both give 100%. I think these problems happen because too many people accept less from their partners, one partner gives or tries much harder than the other – I see it with brides here even.

I realize now I myself stayed in relationships like that because I didn’t KNOW any better – I THOUGHT I was in a good relationship. Now that I have my FH I realize that BOTH people can be completely equal. They can love each other equally and do things for each other the same, and both put in a huge effort to make the other one happy because they WANT to. Because making the other one happy makes them happy, not because they’re desperate to make the other person love them more or keep them in the relationship. Why did she drop everything to travel the world and have his children? If she didn’t want those tings than she should have spoken up and if she DID want those things, than that was the life she chose. JMO, anyone can feel free to disagree but my FH and I are older (33 & 42) and that's just my observation.

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I couldn't agree with you more. This was HER decision. He did not force her to quit her job or stop going to church. Did she not know before they got married or even discuss that if they had children, she would want them to go to church regularly? They are very well off, if you say religion is so important to you, get a family member, friend, or nanny to go to church with you and help with the kids. This is a topic that is frequently on these boards, so most brides are keenly aware of this issue. If she wanted to read at night and he needed to get to sleep, does she have to read in the bedroom? Couldn't they have compromised?

While the article does make a very good point about maintaining your sense of identity, I do agree that to me, it sounds very bitter, and I was also angered reading it.

She seems insecure to have started with if she had such a fufilling life to begin with and gave it all up to be 'Mrs. Lance Armstrong'.

Re: 'What I wish I had known about marriage' By Kristin Armstrong

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Posted by kittythestray

I read this in Glamour mag a few weeks ago. I was actually angry after reading this article.

She CHOSE that life for herself. She CHOSE to drop everything of herself and have children right away and to leave herself behind and travel with her husband. She made her husband and children her whole life and lost herself, but that's what she did, not something her husband did to her.

It's a good article in the sense that it reminds women to make sure they don’t lose their identity, and to make sure they express what THE Ywant more. There are plenty of women who immediately start families quit their jobs, have their whole lives revolve around their husbands, and they’re happy and content their whole lives, and it's exactly what they want. She chose the wrong match for herself and I feel the article sounds very bitter – remember she MADE those choices, this was not some arranged marriage or forced family.

Some of the advice is good, you need to speak up and make sure you don’t let yourself be steam rolled, you need to make sure you and your FH are PARTNERS and split things 50/50 and both give 100%. I think these problems happen because too many people accept less from their partners, one partner gives or tries much harder than the other – I see it with brides here even.

I realize now I myself stayed in relationships like that because I didn’t KNOW any better – I THOUGHT I was in a good relationship. Now that I have my FH I realize that BOTH people can be completely equal. They can love each other equally and do things for each other the same, and both put in a huge effort to make the other one happy because they WANT to. Because making the other one happy makes them happy, not because they’re desperate to make the other person love them more or keep them in the relationship. Why did she drop everything to travel the world and have his children? If she didn’t want those tings than she should have spoken up and if she DID want those things, than that was the life she chose. JMO, anyone can feel free to disagree but my FH and I are older (33 & 42) and that's just my observation.

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I couldn't agree more!

ETA: In light of this article I guess it really should make you appreciate your marriage.