Afraid to Ask.....but here I Go!!

Of course-marriage has ups and downs and definitely takes a LOT of work. We had a few fights, and they are usually about the same thing-family issues. I can't really get into what they are, but is definitely an adjustment joining a new family. It is also difficult when money is tight. But I find it important that we really make sure never to go to bed angry. It is also important to communicate and work out issues, even if you need counseling. That is one of the biggest and most important lesson I learned prior to marrying DH from working in Family Court. There is never anything to be ashamed about if you want to go to couples counseling or see a therapist. I strongly believe that when you are in the situation, it is difficult to be objective, even if you are objective about other people. Another person who can help guide you and DH in a positive manner is a great thing!

Marriages have ups and downs. There is no shame in that. They do take work!

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Posted by jtgarsik

marraige is by no means an easy thing! That's why we take a vow before God to stay in it! otherwise why would we have to do that right?

you just have to remind yourself that NOBODY has it all together....there are TIMES when people do, but there is always a time for the rough stuff too. Thankfully dh & i have been very blessed this year and it's been smooth sailin'....but I'm not naive enough to think it will always be that way at ALL. i know our time will come when things'll be rough too...so all i can do is be thankful for what we've got so far. Before we got engaged we actually went through a LOT..almost broke up actually. And it's funny because to this day a lot of our friends have no idea..they're oblivious to the fact..so it just goes to show - even though other relationships may 'look' a certain way, definetly doesn't mean they're always perfect! In our pre-marital class, our counselors told us 'if there are no fights and no arguments you don't care! because u fight when things matter to you..' and it's so true! so don't get down just because u may be goin' through a rough patch...remember - we wouldn't have to take a vow if it was going to be easy! hugs!

ps: never be afraid to post about this stuff! the great thing about this site is that we're all here for each other!

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Well said!

I think a huge majority of married people (and especially divorced people!) will tell you that marriage takes work. You may have a few great years where everything is honky dory, but right along with that you may have a year or two that are the exact opposite. The thing to remember is - you married this person for a REASON and you vowed to stay with him through the good AND the bad specifically because it's a virtual guaranteeeeeeee that there will be both good and bad times!

DH and I have very similar life goals and we find that to be very important. It grounds us when we are having a rough patch. I find that our arguments are really over very small things that somehow get blown into a bigger argument. Over our dating years, we learned A LOT about how to deal with each other - we had different views on day to day things and also didn't know how to deal with or react to the other with certain things. For example, I tend to have a short temper, but it fades quickly. DH when we were dating had to learn this about me and learn how to deal with it. DH tends to be very impatient and when we were dating, it was this big thing for me until I learned that that's how he is. We've both adjusted our OWN actions also because life and love and marriage is about compromise. That is also a huge thing to remember. We cannot have our own way all the time.

The biggest lesson I ever learned was PICK YOUR BATTLES. Seriously, I *tryyyy* to keep this in mind and when I do, it makes life much easier. Also, remember that no matter what, there will be difficult times. And just because it seems like everyone else is in awesome marriages and never fight etc., know that a lot of people keep things private. I for one learned a few years ago that when you constantly talk about the negative with people very close to you, they keep that in the forefront of their minds and think that you have this horrible relationship or something. I find that talking about the positive brings about positive. I'll still mention things when I'm having a particularly difficult patch, but the day to day b.s. I tend to keep within our relationship. Other people are just private and prefer not to talk about their personal lives in detail. So don't think you're alone!

One last thing - my friend was with her DH 7 years before they got married. During their first year of marriage, they were discussing divorce - SERIOUSLY discussing divorce. They had a very difficult first year of marriage. They made it through and now have been married for six years and are very happy.

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Posted by MeNBobs

A important thing I learned when we first started living together was to pick my battles. The fact that he uses 7 towels in one day or that he never remembers to turn the pool pump on really annoys me but in the grand scheme it's not a big deal at all.

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Exactly! I mentioned this same thing!

I cant even tell you girls how your responses are comforting to me Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

I know Im not a newlywed, but I just wanted to say that I commend you for expressing this. Marriage is like caring for a car, adding gas is not the only thing that keeps it running, maintenance is always needed. My DH an I argue and he and I both can say or do things to urk each other. Like one NW here said about coming from a home where both parents are divorced; my hubby and I share the same issue. Not having the 'healthy' view of marriage as kids gives adults a distorted view. When he and I have our little talks I tell him when we got married no one sat me down and said okay this is what you do and dont do to have a successful marriage. We were both flying blind and dealt with it as things came at us. We may not have always dealt with things right but it's a learning process. If anyone ever thinks they need counseling I say go for it, sometimes having a 3rd person's perspective to explain things rationally is best; because sometimes when arguing we just get the anger out and not the underlying issue. I heard this on Montell once, I told my hubby about it and I think its a cool mantra. Speak without Offending, Listen without Defending, when it concerns marriage Im sure we all have done a bit of both. Sorry this is so long

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Posted by carolinebr

I think there are some girls on here who married the perfect man. Seriously. They never fight, the DH brings home flowers, they are always happy.... And when I read stuff like that I get jealous because I know how hard DH & I are trying to make it work. It IS work for most people.

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We have to remember that what we read on here is what everyone WANTS us to read. A lot of ladies only post the good things, for whatever reason they don't share fights and the bad stuff that happens in their relationships. It's easy to look at someone and think they have 'the perfect man' but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Remember, the grass is always greener but there's always someone who'd rather be in your shoes.

Every marriage takes work, we all have our ups and downs. You're def not alone!!

Marriages definitely need to be tended to. I think often those who aren't putting time, energy, and care into their marriages end up neglecting each other, slowly drifting apart over time, and things/resentments end up building up... and you see many people divorce this way. Sometimes the little spats or arguments really open the doors to work on an issue and to grow together. They are opportunities to talk things through and work through them together.

Counseling is a great option for anyone! It can really just help to have an outsider give a different perspective or provide some helpful tools.

Personally, DH and I don't 'fight' much at all. But that's not to say that we don't ever bicker back and forth (esp when one of us is tired, overworked, hormonal, hungry, lol) or have stupid arguments over little stuff that gets blown out of proportion. It really is impt to 'pick your battles' as some others have already said. I need to do more of that! I just get caught up in my own agitation and I'm feisty as heck in an argument!! But every marriage has its ups and downs, and all of us will experience both. It's only natural!

We have definitely had to deal with a lot of outside stressors this past year, so that has put us on edge, sometimes w/ eachother, but we just try to be mindful that we're in it together. It's easy, but not fair, to take things out on the ppl you're closest too.

I know everyone's different but just thought Id share what has personally helped us to keep things in perspective- I genuinely feel what has been so wonderful for us is the Christ-center to our marriage. We've been reading a great book together- linkie It's really nice just spending that quiet time reading it together, reading something that we can really apply to our marriage.

You're not alone!!! And the wonderful thing is that you sound like youre really willing to do the work to make things better for you and DH!

The most important thing is that you wrote this.....you realize you have 'problems' like literally every other person out there in relationships. You are confronting it, working at it and in time things will fall into place. It's not easy....nothing in life is just easy. You are not alone at all.

I will say that I am fortunate to not have any huge issues with DH. He has health issues that sometime strain us a little but we know how to confront it and get it out and believe me THAT was a learning curve we had to go through because I didn't get his health problems and I'd get REALLY frustrated. Of course, it's not perfect...he drives me nutty sometimes. He's so laid back that sometimes I WANT to have a fight lol but my DH isn't very romantic or doesn't know when to take the laundry downstairs without me having to nag at him but that's just us and our quirks. We yell, then kiss and make up about it but that I feel is lucky on our part.

I'm glad you are working it out, a lot of people give up and move on but you both know that deep down and throughout all the BS that surrounds your relationship right now that you really love eachother and are meant to be together for years to come.

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Posted by cindyandkevin

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Posted by carolinebr

I think there are some girls on here who married the perfect man. Seriously. They never fight, the DH brings home flowers, they are always happy.... And when I read stuff like that I get jealous because I know how hard DH & I are trying to make it work. It IS work for most people.

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We have to remember that what we read on here is what everyone WANTS us to read. A lot of ladies only post the good things, for whatever reason they don't share fights and the bad stuff that happens in their relationships. It's easy to look at someone and think they have 'the perfect man' but you don't know what goes on behind closed doors. Remember, the grass is always greener but there's always someone who'd rather be in your shoes.

Every marriage takes work, we all have our ups and downs. You're def not alone!!

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I was going to say the SAME thing!!!
Im sure there are girls on here who only post the good stuff bc they woud prefer *not* to post the arguments, fights, etc.

Yes, I agree with everyone of you girls. When I was on the 08 boards, sometimes I would think to myself, are there people who get so so caught up in the actual excitement and planning of the wedding, that they forget how hard, and how real it is to take up the challenge of making a life with someone every day, for the rest of your life.

Sometimes I think some wifeys-to-be dont want to face reality...that 50%.....FIFTY percent...dont make it in America. Thats a tremendous statement!

I wont bore you girls with my personal details of the problems between DH and I. We've been together 5 years, married for 2. I love him with all my heart. I think and hope he feels the same. But he did some stupid things and I did some stupid things, probably out of being young and immature, and we ended up hurting each other...arguing....fighting.

I was thinking sometimes its best to have a 3rd party like counseling involved b/c then you know that person is giving you the most unbiased objective point of view on how to make yourselves and your relationship with each other better.

I just always thought people thought there was a stigma attached to couples counseling and I was ashamed to admit it.

We rarely fight and if we do? We are laughing the next minute. Thats just our personalities.

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Posted by ChrisnAmy

We rarely fight and if we do? We are laughing the next minute. Thats just our personalities.

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Whoa! You are one lucky girl !

DH and I fight all the time.. I threatened to kill him last night

He drives me crazy with the things he does and the ways he acts..

You just have to find ways of working thru it..

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Posted by carolinep24

DH & I have been at each other's throats lately... You are not alone...

TRUST ME...

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omg us too, and it always seems to start over the stupidest things. i dont know if its just because we are both pretty stressed at work and really tired or what. we have our times. but i still love him and everything we have more than anything.

DH & I fight all the time...most of the time it's little things but we have had serious fights too. It happens to everyone. No one has the perfect marriage and I believe we all have to work at keeping a good relationship going. Don't feel bad if you want to go to counseling...I've heard the first year of marriage is the most important, so do what you can to build a solid foundation, I'm sure it will help and everything will work out.

DH and I fight all the time. I try not to post on here about it because the more I post or talk about it the more I linger on it and the worse it gets for me. That is the exact reason why I post and talk about the good stuff - so I can focus on that and keep myself from ramming his head into a concrete wall!

Sometimes it little things, like the fact that he has never once put the milk away in the morning and I have thrown away hundreds of full containers of milk. Sometimes it can be a HUGE thing - like his inability to express any emotion or the fact that we both have not stayed up past ten in the past month.

Anyway, never feel alone! We are all going through the same thing. . .