Being a step mom......

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Posted by iblab247

My FH's ex-girlfriend STILL has not come to terms with me (almost 3 years later) and does nothing but make my life miserable. I have always been nice to her and I respect her as mom. FH intervenes with her craziness and deals with her but it hurts me b/c I do not deserve to be treated like that. I am so over my limit with her. I can't even look at her, never mind be civil to her b/c of all the b.s. with her. It's constant. So now I avoid her whenever I can. How did you guys get to the point of getting along with mom? It would really be better for everyone but I'm not going to allow her to make me feel bad every chance she gets just b/c I'm living her dream. Any tips on how to deal with her?

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My FH's ex was like that in the beginning...and its rough. But her issues have nothing to do with you...they have to do with her. Usually unresolved feelings, jealousy. Whatever her issue is..you can't solve it for her. She has to come to terms with it on her own. All you can do is be supportive of FH and be a good step-mom. I think that when FH's ex saw how good I was with her children...respect grew from there. Today we are at the point where she and I get along better than FH and her do. (Can't say he really loves that one either lol).
Just remember there's only so much you can do....a lot depends on the maturity and actions of others. Just be patient.....remember, even if she never comes around....---YOU GOT YOUR FH..and stepkid....YOU GOT THE HAPPINESS.

Just squatting this post to tell you Ladies that you are all very brave!!!!!

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Posted by sr081906

Just squatting this post to tell you Ladies that you are all very brave!!!!!

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That's so nice of you.

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Posted by cindyandkevin

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Posted by smara

I am I am....First I hate being called stepmom, it just reminds me of fairy tells where all the stepmoms are evil.

I dont have any kids so it does get overwhelming when I realizes the huge responsibility I am taking on. Its bad when you screw up with your own kid but how about if you make a mistake w. someone elses. I just try to be there for FH and help with any constructive input.
It also used to upset me when I used to say I want 3 kids an dmy FI would say kids are hard work and you should just deal with the fisrt kid and etc... I had to finally tell him that his experiences with his son doesnt necessarily mean it will be the same with my kid(s).

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We don't like to use the 'step' word either, lol Cinderella comes to mind. I know exactly what you mean about 'someone else's' kid. Esp when she's in the car with me, G*d forbid I got into an accident with her, I'd feel horrible either way but being that she's not my own I would feel even worse I think. Fortunately his ex is really good, she likes me and trusts me with their daughter so I'm happy about that. And FH is a wonderful dad, I usually just sit back and let him 'parent' her if there's a problem and I offer him my support when needed. I don't want her to feel like we're ganging up on her so I let him take the reins. FH sometimes asks me if I'm sure if I want kids and it hurts but I know he's just making sure that this is still what I want.

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i have a stepomom too, so I know what I should do that to prevent issues that occurred from my stepmom...

My FH is the best dad - he has 2 daughters - 15 and 9, and they have been loving and accepting from day one - I am more of an intrusion in their lives than they were in mine - I mean, they are always growing and learning and having to deal with a brand new woman not their mom to help raise them... luckily his ex is very supportive!

[i have a stepomom too, so I know what I should do that to prevent issues that occurred from my stepmom...

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I totally agree. My mom was a step-mom...and she taught me exactly what NOT to do...sadly. We learn from our pasts thankfully....

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Posted by franksgirl323

[i have a stepomom too, so I know what I should do that to prevent issues that occurred from my stepmom...

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I totally agree. My mom was a step-mom...and she taught me exactly what NOT to do...sadly. We learn from our pasts thankfully....

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Future 'stepmom' here too. FH has a 12 y/o son and a 7 y/o daughter. I love them dearly and I know they love and accept me also. It's not always easy though. I don't get along with their mom that well, let's just say that she's got some issues!

Anyway, since both of your mothers are step mothers, I would love some advice on things not to do. We learn from our past absolutely, but I would love to learn from your past as well. You guys have had this experience, so any words of advice would be truly appreciated. I don't want to try and take their mom's place. They have a mom, and they don't need another, but sometimes it's hard to know my limits and my boundaries. Ya know what I mean?!

My FH's son lives with his mother, but does frequently visit and sleeps over. When he stays over and acts up, I let my FH do all the talking, but I do step in because that mother instinct comes into play and I start breaking things down for him because he is 4 and my FH acts like he is 15.
I know where my boundary is and I try to not cross that line. He has in the past went back to his mother and said things like 'I want to go live with Bari and Daddy' and my heart breaks for his Mom. Then again, he is 4 and our job right now is to make things as easy as possible for him with the changes going on around him.
He loves me and always talks to his mom about me, but she and I agree that is healthy for him because she allows him to love me.
If she spoke bad about me to him or the situation, matters could be a lot worse.
I really can't complain about the situation. I am sure there will be times where things will not be so smooth, but nothing in life is easy.

Anyway, since both of your mothers are step mothers, I would love some advice on things not to do. We learn from our past absolutely, but I would love to learn from your past as well. You guys have had this experience, so any words of advice would be truly appreciated. I don't want to try and take their mom's place. They have a mom, and they don't need another, but sometimes it's hard to know my limits and my boundaries. Ya know what I mean?!

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Well my mom was a case study in what not to do. My home consisted of my mom, my step-dad, my brother and every other weekend...my 2 step sisters (from my step dads' first marriage). She constantly bad mouthed his ex-wife and his daughters ...for no reason except maybe she had her own jealousies. She made it kinda difficult on my dad to maintain a good relationship with his daughters because everytime they would go home...my mom would argue with him about them or things they did. If one of my sisters and my Dad had an issue, my mom felt it was her place to step in and 'speak her peace' instead of minding her own business. This happened WITH EVERYTHING...even small issues. I think in the end, to keep the peace, my Dad just truly stopped trying to have a relationship with his daughters...just so he wouldn't have to deal with my mom's issues. I truly think my Mom is the reason that my dad and my stepsisters have an absolutely horrible relationship. It's so sad. My sisters and I are very close (oldest is my MOH)....they are all coming to my wedding...but none will sit at the table with my parents...no one speaks.

From that I learned that I will only intervene if it really seems necessary or if asked. I let FH handle a lot of issues between him and the kids and him and the ex on his own. It helps me remain neutral. I will never put FH in the position where he feels he has to choose between me and the kids....that should never be a choice he has to make. He should be able to give equal love to his wife and kids....Im sure I have tons of other advice....but since my family is so scarred by that....that was the most important to mention.

By following my own rules...my life is wonderful and so are the relationships between me, FH, stepkids, FH's ex.

I'm already a Mom, FH will be a step Dad. He loves my SOn as his own......

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Posted by VadersBride2006

I'm not going to be a stepmom, but FH is currently a stepfather to my 11 year old son. The situation is a little different, b/c his biological father passed away a few years ago, but I wanted to comment about the 'firsts' when you have your own kids. We also have 2 of our own children together, and let me tell you I am amazed and overjoyed by each of their firsts, just as much as I was with my first's firsts! And now I have someone to share that excitement with! Every experience is different, just as every child is different.

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That's so good to hear and I want to thank you for posting. It really means a lot to me that FH will be as excited about our children, and I trust that he will, but it's def helpful to hear it from others as well.

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Posted by cindyandkevin
We don't like to use the 'step' word either, lol Cinderella comes to mind. I know exactly what you mean about 'someone else's' kid. Esp when she's in the car with me, G*d forbid I got into an accident with her, I'd feel horrible either way but being that she's not my own I would feel even worse I think. Fortunately his ex is really good, she likes me and trusts me with their daughter so I'm happy about that. And FH is a wonderful dad, I usually just sit back and let him 'parent' her if there's a problem and I offer him my support when needed. I don't want her to feel like we're ganging up on her so I let him take the reins. FH sometimes asks me if I'm sure if I want kids and it hurts but I know he's just making sure that this is still what I want.

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LOL, thats how am when I drive around with him in the car, you want be extra cautious.

I have to admit it was challenging at first. The mom is supportive most of the times, but I have to admit sometimes when she is stressed she acts up. It doesnt bother me too much becuase I know its because she is lonely and doesnt have no one so its like she is a single mom, but at times its like alright already. Plus because they felt guilty for separating they spoiled the crap out of his son and he was disrespectful and started acting up in school. So now its like they have to be stern after three yrs of letting him do whatever and its a learning process for everyone.

Are any of you guys inviting the exes? we were but then my FI and the mom realized there is no reason for her to be there. I let them make the decision.

We were going to invite his ex, along with her FI and his daughter, but she told us not to. We thought she'd like to see their daughter in the ceremony but she said she wouldn't be comfortable there, so she's just going to pick her up at the end of the night instead.

She's an only child too and I know her parents sometimes also feel guilty for divorcing so they want to make her happy, so she is a bit on the spoiled side now. She's been going through a rough time lately getting used to living with her new step-sister, and I know she'll have similar issues when we eventually have kids too.

Wow, where do I begin

Well we're both step-parents, I have one son from my previous marriage and he has two sons and one daughter from his first marriage. We have both extremes.

First off, when we first started dating his kids knew nothing about me, not because he didn't want them to know BUT because I didn't want him to tell his EX. I knew from everything that he had said to me about her that she would def. not be happy about me or our relationship. We were together for 2 1/2 years before she or the kids knew about me. My son LOVES him, they have a love/hate relationship. My son was the only child for a very long time and it was just him and I for many many years so it took some getting used too that this 'guy' wasn't going anywhere, but my son says it all the time, that 'we're' perfect for eachother, he even told me that he prefers me to be with FH than with his own dad. Which was great to hear for both me and FH. FH and my EX get along great.

Ok now to his kids and the EX. Well her and I don't have and NEVER will have a relationship. She met this guy and married him Last March. Well that's when all h*ll broke lose. She moved to NJ and we were seeing the kids every other weekend. Well, to make a long story short, we have custody of the two boys because her husband was accused of physical abuse against them. Needless to say we took them in and I am proud to say they are doing GREAT with us. It was a HUGE adjustment for all of us but we are managing and I'm not going to say that it's easy because truthfully it's NOT but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now to the daughter. Long story short, we haven't seen her since September, don't know where she lives, he speaks to her maybe once every few weeks, her husband is a piece of work and has made it impossible for my FH to see or even speak to his daughter. To make matter worse, his ex just had a baby by him this past December, so now she's saying that it's impossible for her to take the baby out right now. She just refuses to give us ANY information on their whereabouts. All we know is that she's still in NJ. The fact that we have a Court Order stating that her husband can't be around the boys because of what happened, she makes it look like it is the BOYS fault that she can't see them as much as she 'supposedly' would like. So she hasn't seen them since September.

There is so much more, but this thing is long enough Sorry but I guess I really needed to vent my frustration.

So you see ladies, I'm living both sides of the 'step-parent' life. Our plan is after the wedding we're going for FULL custody of his daughter. Wish us luck!!!!

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Posted by MrsFelix

Wow, where do I begin

Well we're both step-parents, I have one son from my previous marriage and he has two sons and one daughter from his first marriage. We have both extremes.

First off, when we first started dating his kids knew nothing about me, not because he didn't want them to know BUT because I didn't want him to tell his EX. I knew from everything that he had said to me about her that she would def. not be happy about me or our relationship. We were together for 2 1/2 years before she or the kids knew about me. My son LOVES him, they have a love/hate relationship. My son was the only child for a very long time and it was just him and I for many many years so it took some getting used too that this 'guy' wasn't going anywhere, but my son says it all the time, that 'we're' perfect for eachother, he even told me that he prefers me to be with FH than with his own dad. Which was great to hear for both me and FH. FH and my EX get along great.

Ok now to his kids and the EX. Well her and I don't have and NEVER will have a relationship. She met this guy and married him Last March. Well that's when all h*ll broke lose. She moved to NJ and we were seeing the kids every other weekend. Well, to make a long story short, we have custody of the two boys because her husband was accused of physical abuse against them. Needless to say we took them in and I am proud to say they are doing GREAT with us. It was a HUGE adjustment for all of us but we are managing and I'm not going to say that it's easy because truthfully it's NOT but I wouldn't have it any other way.

Now to the daughter. Long story short, we haven't seen her since September, don't know where she lives, he speaks to her maybe once every few weeks, her husband is a piece of work and has made it impossible for my FH to see or even speak to his daughter. To make matter worse, his ex just had a baby by him this past December, so now she's saying that it's impossible for her to take the baby out right now. She just refuses to give us ANY information on their whereabouts. All we know is that she's still in NJ. The fact that we have a Court Order stating that her husband can't be around the boys because of what happened, she makes it look like it is the BOYS fault that she can't see them as much as she 'supposedly' would like. So she hasn't seen them since September.

There is so much more, but this thing is long enough Sorry but I guess I really needed to vent my frustration.

So you see ladies, I'm living both sides of the 'step-parent' life. Our plan is after the wedding we're going for FULL custody of his daughter. Wish us luck!!!!

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Wow... You have a great heart and limitless love. You are really great. That is a tough situation and you are handling it better than most could have. Good luck with the fully custody issue!

Are any of you guys inviting the exes? we were but then my FI and the mom realized there is no reason for her to be there. I let them make the decision.

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I get along fine with FH's ex...he, tolerates her. LOL. We are inviting her and her FH to the wedding. There is no one else to take the boys home after the wedding.....she is going to have to sit with her ex-MOH...whether she likes it or not. I should mention that......it could lead to 2 more off the guest list.

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Posted by franksgirl323

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Wow... You have a great heart and limitless love. You are really great. That is a tough situation and you are handling it better than most could have. Good luck with the fully custody issue!

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Thanks. It's hard, but I love those boys. They are truly a blessing, and a pain in the a** when they want to be.

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Posted by franksgirl323

Are any of you guys inviting the exes? we were but then my FI and the mom realized there is no reason for her to be there. I let them make the decision.

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I get along fine with FH's ex...he, tolerates her. LOL. We are inviting her and her FH to the wedding. There is no one else to take the boys home after the wedding.....she is going to have to sit with her ex-MOH...whether she likes it or not. I should mention that......it could lead to 2 more off the guest list.

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We spoke about it and I decided I don't want my EX there, and needless to say his EX better not show her face!!! She doesn't even know when we're getting married.