Big fight

Hi everyone,

Newbie and first post. I have come to this site for months and decided to reach out to this community for some advice.

My fiancé and I got into a huge fight on Saturday morning and we haven't spoken since and I don't know if I should reach out or wait for him or as my mom thinks end the engagement.

I'm very distraught.

We fought. On Friday morning about an ex GF of his that is still a friend. We resolved it with him saying he will cut all ties with this girl. That evening, we go to dinner with friends and drink a little too much and get into a fight and he tells me to leave his apartment( we don't live together, he lives in manhattan and me on the island -30mins away) he has kicked me out of his place at night before when fighting.

I left the apartment at 11 pm and came back at 3am after meeting my brother and his new GF and I figured my fiancé would be calm but somehow we fight again and this time he hugs me and picks me up from behind and opens his front door and put me out side in my underwear, gives me my pants and bag and shoes and closes the door, I drive home half asleep at 4am

All I recall from that evening is all these texts I sent and a video I took of him yelling at me to get out. I cursed him out and called him an ******* and I wouldn't marry you and said some pretty bad things.

Besides this major traumatic event, our relationship has been amazing with a few fights and some communication issues.

I don't know what to do, we haven't spoken since Saturday at 4am.

Any advice? Should I be the one to call or him or listen to my mother and end my engagement over this. I'm sad and confused.

Big fight

I absolutely would not call him back. I would never let my future husband or anyone treat me with such disrespect. 'He has kicked me out of his place before'. Before!?! You clearly deserve better than that. Next thing you know you're married, have kids, you fight and he kicks you out. What are you going to do? Take the kids and live on the streets? Your mom clearly wants you to end the engagement. Do you blame her?

Big fight

That's exactly the example my mom had for me. I love him but I don't think I can get over being picked up and put outside the door in my underwear at that hour, being forced to drive home slightly sleepy. I did say some very alcohol induced verbal diarrhea infused words and PMS related moodyness came out too. My MOH said that we could both apologize for words spoken and get over that but his actions, I should not forgive that and him not reaching out to me this week to atleast say sorry shows what kind of husband he would be.

I'm just all torn because I love him and wanted to
Marry this man. In every other way he was perfect for
Me. Just heartbroken that we let a stupid argument turn so ugly so fast.

Big fight

I agree about the disrespect but I feel like there is no closure because it was a druken fight and we never spoke again..

Big fight

Is the problem alcohol related you think? Just throwing that out there because you said you really don't remember what happened. That is NOT an excuse for poor behavior AT ALL, just an added element I guess.

What does your gut tell you to do? Imagine you do not marry him - what is your initial reaction to that statement? If you're upset and sad - reach out to him. If that thought doesn't affect you - leave.
If you do reach out to him, you have to be clear that things need to be worked on and a plan of action must be made.
Relationships are work. And they are not always pretty, and both sides can do and say awful things. But if it is more heartbreak and heartache then happiness, it is not worth it.

Big fight

It is alcohol related. On both ends, the last time he kicked me out he was more wasted then me. And he has a tendency to say get out when things get heated instead of walking away to cool off. But because he's sober those times he says no no don't go I didn't mean it. But we were both so drunk. But I felt humiliated being in the hallway in my underwear even for the 1 min it took for him to open the door and give me my pants.

My initial reaction to not marrying him is to break out in tears. He said repeatedly the day of the fight before we fought that I am the love of his life and I need to get over his past and I think both of us were still
Mad and drunk and fought.

But saying terrible things and doing this, he promised last time he did this in November never to kick me out.

Big fight

I think based on what you said, that you should call him and try to work it out. I *completely* know where you are coming from. Alcohol is no joke. Maybe you both seek out some counseling before the wedding? Both agree to not drink? Or better yet - call him and see what his deal is and why the heck he hasn't called YOU. It might be because he's embarrassed, or because he is an @ss. Only one way to find out.

Big fight

Wow...look we all fight, especially alcohol related sometimes lol. Throwing you out is taking it far but you could get over it but I can't believe you haven't spoken in days. That would bother me the most. To tell you the truth I don't know how you have made it this long without calling. Now your just playing a waiting game. I would call him, express how disguted I am that he hasn't called in days (I may even throw in a little 'I could be dead for all u knew' lol) and I would say we need to talk and straighten things out or obviously this is over because in essence if he doesn't give as much effort as you do it is over.

I really hope it works out...good luck keep us posted!

Big fight

I think he crossed a line when he chose to pick you up and put you outside in your underwear. Every couple has arguments, that's a part of life, but I really think he took it too far. What he did was not only disrespectful but also dehumanizing. Like your mom and swearingforwedding suggested, what would happen in the future? Is this going to be his go to action?

I am so sorry you have to go through this. I would wait to see if he contacts you. If he does, you both need to have a long talk. Maybe you both can seek premarital counseling.

Does he only do these things when he is drunk? If so, maybe he has a problem- I am just talking from experience.. Im not a regular drinker, but when I did drink, I would drink WAY more than I should have- to the point where I was wasted and sloppy. Drinking brought out such a nasty and disgusting side of me- a complete 180 to how I usually am. I've embarrassed myself so many times that finally after ruining my cousins birthday a year ago, I realized that I should just stay away from it.

Big fight

Ultimately, it is your decision to make and you should and will do what you feel is right, so I will not even go into what I would personally do, but I was in a relationship like this and from my personal experience, things didn't change no matter how much he begged me to come back after. You really just need to think long and hard about whether or not this is a behavior you'd be willing to live with for the rest of your life. The only advice I have is that you should probably not even think about marriage right now and take a step back work on the relationship together, possibly with some help. Good luck with everything!

Big fight

It is a waiting game, I figured after seeing the iPhone video i took of him calling me names and picking me up and throwing me out as I'm crying( since last time he couldn't believe he did it, I videoed him) I figured he would call and text numerous apologizes and it upsetting not talking for this many days. If I had acted out against him in some way, I would have called right away.

Re: Big fight

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Posted by Marrythatgirl

It is a waiting game, I figured after seeing the iPhone video i took of him calling me names and picking me up and throwing me out as I'm crying( since last time he couldn't believe he did it, I videoed him) I figured he would call and text numerous apologizes and it upsetting not talking for this many days. If I had acted out against him in some way, I would have called right away.

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You sent him the video and he didn't say anything?

Big fight

Yea I sent it that night and no response. Not sure if he's mad at me for texting lots of cuss words at him before and after the incident happened and I texted in my anger to never call me again and I hate you and I would never marry you after you put your hands on me..,but no response. Even if he is embarrassed or thinks we're over, he should still apologize??

Re: Big fight

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Posted by Marrythatgirl

Yea I sent it that night and no response. Not sure if he's mad at me for texting lots of cuss words at him before and after the incident happened and I texted in my anger to never call me again and I hate you and I would never marry you after you put your hands on me..,but no response. Even if he is embarrassed or thinks we're over, he should still apologize??

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How long ago did you send it to him?

Re: Big fight

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Posted by Marrythatgirl

Yea I sent it that night and no response. Not sure if he's mad at me for texting lots of cuss words at him before and after the incident happened and I texted in my anger to never call me again and I hate you and I would never marry you after you put your hands on me..,but no response. Even if he is embarrassed or thinks we're over, he should still apologize??

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And yes he should still apologize. I understand he may be embarrassed but if loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you it's a no brainer and he SHOULD see that... If not then he has some things he needs to work out.

Big fight

Saturday July 5th an hour after he kicked me out

Big fight

I am appalled by his behavior and there is no way I would marry a man that did that.. but that's me personally. My advice is call him try and talk to him however I would agree with counseling and possibly postponing the wedding. It's less than a year a way and if things are like this now you want to have time to repair your relationship and truly figure out if you want to be with him. I think he should have called you and apologized for what he did the next day because that's just ridic. And the fact that he hasn't called to me seems like he doesn't care. I would however for you call and try and talk and if he isn't receptive then I think you should maybe listen to your mom! Lots of love and hugs to you and we are all here to listen! !!

Re: Big fight

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Posted by kedjmay2015

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Posted by Marrythatgirl

Yea I sent it that night and no response. Not sure if he's mad at me for texting lots of cuss words at him before and after the incident happened and I texted in my anger to never call me again and I hate you and I would never marry you after you put your hands on me..,but no response. Even if he is embarrassed or thinks we're over, he should still apologize??

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And yes he should still apologize. I understand he may be embarrassed but if loves you and wants to spend the rest of his life with you it's a no brainer and he SHOULD see that... If not then he has some things he needs to work out.

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This!

Re: Big fight

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Posted by MissToMrs

I am appalled by his behavior and there is no way I would marry a man that did that.. but that's me personally. My advice is call him try and talk to him however I would agree with counseling and possibly postponing the wedding. It's less than a year a way and if things are like this now you want to have time to repair your relationship and truly figure out if you want to be with him. I think he should have called you and apologized for what he did the next day because that's just ridic. And the fact that he hasn't called to me seems like he doesn't care. I would however for you call and try and talk and if he isn't receptive then I think you should maybe listen to your mom! Lots of love and hugs to you and we are all here to listen! !!

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I agree. We are all here for you and support whatever decision you make. Xoxo

Big fight

I'm so sorry you are going through this. This should be a happy and exciting time in your life! We all fight with our future spouses, but he took it WAY too far! I understand that you love him and want to be with him and feel conflicted right now, but him not calling tells me that he is not looking to work on things. As other people here have mentioned, if he does this to you now, what would prevent him from doing this again in the future, and what if you have kids in that future?

Ultimately, the decision is up to you. Whether or not you stay with him, you definitely need to talk to him, even if it's just for closure. But if you decide to stay together, I would highly suggest going to counseling and pushing your wedding back if possible. Wedding planning adds a lot of extra stress to a relationship and it would be better to figure things out before that added stress.

Please keep us posted! As everyone said, we are all here for you!