This is causing a bit of a rift between me and FH. I want to hyphenate my last name with his. FH is totally against this and feels that it is a huge disrespect to him. He feels that the hyphen is a subliminal separation between us and will carry over into our marriage. He also says that when we have our kids they will probably ask why mommy’s last name is different (as if kids even realize that their parents even have a real name aside from mom or dad). To be honest with you ladies I absolutely hate his last name. It’s not the name itself that I have a problem with, it’s just the way it sounds with mine. It just doesn’t sound “right” or have a nice ring to it. But even deeper than my superficial reasoning, I feel bad because my pop has no one to carry on his last name. How do you ladies feel about this issue? And for those of you that plan on hyphenating your last name how does your FH feel about it?
portjeffbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
wow... I don't know what to say. I'm a bit surpised your FH is trying to push you so hard to comply with his wishes, rather than accepting whatever decision you have made for yourself. I fear from his perspective, his pride and ego may take precedence over your personal decisions and identity.... In the long run, this controlling nature may be more concering than merely the issue currently at hand....... I hope my suspicion is completely off-target.....
As for me, since name recognition is important to my career, I'm keeping my maiden name..... no hyphen. FH is totally supportive of my decision.
jencee73
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
I've hyphenated my name. I discussed it first with DH and basically said that its my name and I should do what was going to make me happy. We've agreed that when we have children, my last name will be their middle name.
2Be1
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Ladies I appreciate the honesty of your responses and the sharing of your experiences. FH says that he doesn't mind if I keep my name professionally, but still prefers it to be on our license, and other important documents (credit cards, deeds, etc). Should I accept this compromise? I know I can be really stubborn.
portjeffbride
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
FH and I thought about that too..... and he brought up a good point.... who am I? It would be like a split personality! Your last name on your paycheck would be different than your work email address? I know it's not uncommon for women to do this, but it makes things needlessly difficult when applying for jobs, talking to human resources......
I dunno.... he's basically asking you to do what he wants, and masquerade as your former self in informal situations..... He's likely figuring that you'll tire of the identity crisis after a couple years and switch to his name completely...
(as you can tell, I'm a rather stubborn person about some things..... FH has his hands full )
ama1771
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
my fh doesn't like the idea of me hypenating,but isn't opposed to me keeping my name... I might keep my name for professional reasons..we'll see
sunflower13
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
I think it is a personalissue and every woman should do what makes them comfortable. I don't think any person should feel that they have to do anything. I can't wait to change my name. My FH was kind of surprised that I was going to. It wasn't an issue for him. He would have been OK either way. Good Luck, it will work out. Maybe you should let your decision sit with your FH for a little while and then discuss it again after he has had time to think about it.
daniebc16
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Honestly, I am not totally thrilled with loosing my last name, I sort of feel like I am loosing part of my identity...but I am going to do it...This is a personal decision, but just want to let you know that I can relate.
PegaLega
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Im changing m ine and cant wait-but Im the opposite of you, I likehis better than mine.
If you want to hyphenate your name and his, hyphenate it. Its not going to carry over into your marriage, my aunt and uncle have been married for over 20 years and she hyphenated it for the same reason you want to.
Kaytea
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
I'm stuck in the same situation, I'm undecided about how to change my last name. I was going for the hypenated idea, but my fiance seems to be offended by it. I heard that things can get complicated down the road (like getting mortgages and stuff) if you and husband have different last names...
RGV07
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Espo22
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
I actually can't wait to change my last name, everyone has always mispronounced it and I like FI's last name and it's so easy. But that's me.
If that is what you wish to do then he needs to respect that and be understanding of your feelings.
EGreene79
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Posted by 2Be1
Ladies I appreciate the honesty of your responses and the sharing of your experiences. FH says that he doesn't mind if I keep my name professionally, but still prefers it to be on our license, and other important documents (credit cards, deeds, etc). Should I accept this compromise? I know I can be really stubborn.
I think you should put a lot more thought into this. It's not a decision that you can make over a few days.
I always though I'd keep my name, but since the engagement I've decided to take his. Everyone has different reasons, and may not agree with everyone else's (disclaimer ), but since we're going to be family I want to share a family name. We've discussed merging the names, but he's not ready for that kind of change, and a lot of people have mentioned that it could make it difficult for future generations to trace their heritage. The only thing I don't like is that whole appearance of becoming his by taking his name - he's becoming mine too!
For the girls changing their middle name to their last name - I was recently told that this doesn't actually happen this way. Your middle name will always be your middle name - it's on your birth certificate, etc ... I'm not sure how correct that is, but it's worth looking into.
ETA - I put last name instead of middle name, so it didn't really make sense
lipglossjunky73
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Legally, I changed my name, but I hyphenate for work because so many people in my field know me by my last name. A lot of women I work with do that - in fact, one woman has 3 kids, and her kids just know that everyone knows her by her old last name, and she's a professional in the field... they never questioned it at all....
LaurenF
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
i actually started a similar post about this exact topic a couple of months ago. i am not changing my last name for two reasons---first is that his last name rhymes with my first. second is that i don't particularly care for his family, and i'd rather not be 'one of them', if that makes any sense. don't get me wrong- i love FH to death. but even he has a rocky relationship with his family.
dplehat
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Posted by LaurenF
i actually started a similar post about this exact topic a couple of months ago. i am not changing my last name for two reasons---first is that his last name rhymes with my first. second is that i don't particularly care for his family, and i'd rather not be 'one of them', if that makes any sense. don't get me wrong- i love FH to death. but even he has a rocky relationship with his family.
Thats another reason for me too about the family. Fh parents are divorced and his dad is nonexistant. We have not seen or heard from him since he told fh that our engagement was bad timing for him He is just a not nice person and was far from a good father. He payed his child support but is far from a loving father. My dad was/is/always will be there for me so why should I have to give up my dads name for this jerks name. Fh should feel honored that we would offer him to take our name
MnM52607
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
FH and I had the same fight. One day I casually wrote my name and added his last name at the end. And I kept saying Ew to the fact that I have to change my name. It was really no disrespect to him. It's just weird because I've had this name for the lat 25 years of my life and now all of a sudden I am going to change it. I have become more comfortable with it. I do feel that we are becoming a family and should have the same name. So I am happily taking his last name.
jeanla4c
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
I just wanted to give you another option of what I did for various reasons...I added DH's name to mine without a hyphen....so I can use both or names or either depending on situation, etc. So far (almost a year and half later) I am pretty satisfied with my decision (although it can be a pain at times an di get mad when people totally disregard my maiden name-which can happen at times).
FYI--you can't choose this option on the NYS marriage license but I haven't had problems. I just kept my name on the license.
Good Luck, it can be a hard decision.
luvabul
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
same here!, FH doesnt care if i keep mine or take his name.... i know he'd rather have me take his, but we've never fought over it, and ultimatelyy this is between you and him....
heatherandrichie
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Posted by milana
This is definitly a personal decision and you just do what you feel is right for you....
I personally can not wait to change my last name to FH's last name, Its so exciting to me!
Me too, but my surname is no better than his They both get screwed up all the time So, whats the difference
LaurenluvsTJ
Posted:
Member since
Re: Changing your last name (kind of long)........…
Posted by Kaytea
I'm stuck in the same situation, I'm undecided about how to change my last name. I was going for the hypenated idea, but my fiance seems to be offended by it. I heard that things can get complicated down the road (like getting mortgages and stuff) if you and husband have different last names...
I haven't changed my name yet, and we got a mortgage just fine, don't worry about that.
I haven't decided what I want to do yet, and I've been married for over 6 months. I keep going back and forth on it. I want us to share a name and be 'family' but on the other hand I am not comforatable using his name. I think when we have kids I will definitely change it. For now, things are working out fine. Peope call us Mr. and Mrs. his last name, and thats ok with me. At work I am still Lauren maiden name and thats ok with me too.
