Is anyone else having problems in the marriage?

Thanks princessrachel.

Yes, we did live together beforehand. I guess I am wondering if there are too many things that have gone on to be able to make a life .

My husband is in his 30's but you would think he was a teenager the way he lives. I guess at times I feel like I am his mother and I cant stand it anymore. He works hard, make a good salary, but does nothing here to help and nothing to resolve any problems. I guess kind of irresponsible in certain ways.

JT was VERY emotionally closed off when it came to problems, but after a lot, and I mean A LOT of talking and, basically, nagging, he's come around. Slowly, but surely, he's getting better at talking problems out, rather than running away from them. A marriage is a lot of WORK, and every morning you have to wake up and decided to do your job. And if that job means that there's a lot of blood, sweat and tears, then sometimes, that's what it takes.

Can you write a letter to him? sometimes even though you can tell him in person, when youre writing it out, your thoughts will flow more smoothly, without interuptions of if you were arguing and jumping to different topics. I know we can do that when we argue (or am I the only tangent person? )
But hopefully you can write out your thoughts in a letter, and maybe read it to him or leave it for him to read at a time when you know he'll be 'winding down' and hopefully take it seriously and react to it.
please keep us posted

Although my FI is not one to go out, at the beginning of our relationship he was very closed off, not a good communicator, and I truly belielve it is becasue of the type of childhood he had. I think I have showed him that I'm 'safe'. That's it's OK to open up, and we are a team. I don't know if this is the same kind of situation you are having.
Also realize that men think VERY differently than women. You really have to spell things out for the sometimes for them to realize there's any kind of problem.
The letter thing may really be a good idea too.
I wish you all the best, and we're here for you

The first year living together is very hard. It's much harder than the marriage part IMO. We had some problems the first 8 months, it takes time to balance outside friends/family and togetherness, not to mention budgets, household chores, etc.

We got through it, but we worked hard at it. And, that includes working with family members too.

I wish you luck. The most important thing is to communicate and to work on your communications skills together. If you have trouble doing that maybe a counselor will work to help you with that. We didn't go that route, but if you do make sure it's someone you are both comfortable with. Not all counselors are good for all couples.

The only advice I can think of is counseling. It would be great if both of you go, but I think it would help if you go alone. Counseling may help you deal with your inlaws and your DH.

is counceling alot of money??
mabe this isnt an option.

Im a guy as you all already know actually Im the KING. anyways this is a very serious topic.
I feel very sad for you. this whole thing makes me sad.

people have idealistice veiws about how marriage is supposed to be, the truth is everyone is different and you have to know who your marrying. you also cant expect for them to change as soon as you get married. but this is what everyone is telling in the first place, and seriously I really have NO idea how its gonna be after I get married, and we do have our idealistice views about somethings.
you just have to stick together. patience, communication, love, caring, quality time, sex, and honesty are some of the things marriage is made of. atleast in my idealistic views thats how I feel.

so like everyone says he'll come around. patience is a virtue.

hope I helped, I feel deeply for you and I hope both of you can get through this

KING

Good Luck with everything.

I agree with Anna - maybe if you write it out he'll listen. But if he's a 'mama's boy' - all about his famly - that is going to be a tough ride for you. He has to understand that you come first - and you, I don't believe you are asking him to choose between you or the family but when it gets down to it, he should be on your side.

Sorry about the run on, but that may be the underlying problem. I'm sure you know better than I do but try to get to that topic. Maybe he's just sick of coming home to someone he percieves of 'whinning' all the time? Not that you do but he might see it like that.

Corner him and tie him to a chair if you much - but not screaming or yelling or namecalling. Ask him WHY he feels a need to go out without you constantly when you need him home sometimes too or that you are willing to have all his friends over the house or something.

I hope everything works out!

Most health insurance covers counseling, usually 30 sessions a year.

I'm sorry to hear you're having a hard time. Our first year has been a little difficult as well, for a lot of different reasons.
My DH has been away a lot for work, so he has very few free days. I don't have any family here and very few friends that are around to hang out, so I end up pretty lonely. I try to keep busy, but it gets to the point that it's so tiring trying to keep myself from getting lonely.
It's especially hard when he does have a free day and he wants to do a 'guy' thing. I know he is entitled to his guy time, but when it's his only time I don't 'deal' very well. We actually do talk a lot, and he knows how I feel. Have you told him that you're lonely? Maybe he's defensive like most guys who are afraid they're being told that they can't do something?? and that's not what it is at all.

This weekend though was the first time in a long time that I left him home I had a hard time actually leaving him to go out, but boy did it feel good not to be the one sitting home!

Unhappy:

I totally know how you feel. I don't have any magic words that can make it better. In my own life, I had some tough choices to make and I had to draw some very definite lines in the sand before anything got better. I went as far as filing paperwork, etc because my happiness was worth more to me than the committment I made to 'us' especially if only one of us was holding up our end of the bargain. I had (still do) tons of in-law issues - stuff you couldn't even believe. And he did NOTHING to support me or defend me against their horrendous behavior. He has made improvements - taking meds to stabilize his behavior, taking a stand against his family, more attentive, more considerate but there is still the occasional sufrace of the behavior that drove me away. I don't get comfortable and I don't let him get comfortable because life is too short to be miserable and take other's s&!#. He's the one who is working hard to keep 'us' together. I only now realize I was making it too easy for him to take advantage of me. It's still early in your marriage so the whole 'growing pains' stage may still exist but if either of you are going to be happy, some sort of compromise has to be put in place. No one wants to be alone all the time. If that was the case, why would you have gotten married? You need to sit him down and have a deep heart to heart.

Best of luck w/everything.

I am sorry that you are going through this. Have you told him how lonely you feel?

You say he goes out a lot...does he invite you to go out with him? You say he plays softball....maybe you should go to watch him play. If you spend more time together, maybe the communication will open up more.

I am here for you if you want to FM me!

Sorry you are going through this. I can’t stress enough the importance of communicating and talking to your husband. I’m not saying this because it worked for me…rather I had to talk to my husband repeatedly about the same issue until finally he got it. Sometimes you just have to keep trying that’s why marriages require work. As far as the in-laws. I too was so mad at my mother in law for a long time. I couldn’t let go of how I felt she ruined my wedding by controlling every aspect of it. She wanted things her way and had little regard for my feelings. But you know what my wedding is over, and she has been nice to me in other ways but I was still harboring resentment. Sometimes the only thing you can do is to let go of your own feelings. Your MIL may never change but you can. Good luck!

1. I seriously recommend counseling...it will bring a lot of things out on the table...that you or DH wouldn't be able to do alone...no matter the cost...its your marriage and worth it

2. while I think writing a letter is a lovely idea...be very careful...my mother has instilled in my head 'PUT NOTHING IN WRITING' I know it sounds silly when you are talking about your husband...but you never know what he or you ILs are capable of...

3. I think the marriage 'wonderland' is a myth...make sure you do some deep thinking and decide if DH isn't doing something that in your head is the 'fairytale'


4. I don't want this to sound mean...but marriages should be wonderful!! I have never doubted once my DH...sure we have had tiffs and I have been ****ed off at him...but it has really been bliss...if its not...I think you need to do some serious thinking...

I echo Erica's sentiments on marriage - it should be wonderful, thats not too much to expect. However that doesn't mean its always easy or that expectations don't need to be adjusted.

I think respect and communication are KEY. You need to talk openly and honestly (and calmly) about how you're feeling. If you can't do this face to face or get too emotional talking, maybe a letter is a good idea, but I agree you should be there when he reads it (I've done this with a past ex).

He needs to know how his behavior is affecting you and the two of you need to reach a compromise on your expectations of each other.

Aside from being lonely and having in-law issues, how are things?

I'm sorry you're having problems.

They most important thing between two people is communication. He HAS to know how you are feeling. You need to sit down together and talk (not yell or fight) about how you feel when he's out all the time, how you feel about the in-laws, basically how you feel about everything. Only when everything is out on the table can you guys start to work on it.

Counseling is an option, too. Sometimes it's not as expensive as you think. If you belong to a church, you can sometimes get counseling from the church. If he won't go with you, go by yourself.

Maybe your husband is still adjusting to being married, and hasn't quite realized that it's time to 'settle down.' Sounds to me like he acting as if he wants the benefits of marriage without giving up the lifestyle of being single. He needs to choose which one he really wants to be committed to.

For me, personally, the idea that getting married meant 'settling down' hit me like a ton of bricks shortly after the honeymoon. I've been thinking a LOT lately about my past, my single days, my old friends, my old name, and how things are so different now and will never be the same. Once or twice I've even thought, 'Geez, I hope I did the right thing...' But deep in my heart I know there is no one out there that could come CLOSE to my DH and what we share. So that calms me down again and I remind myself that it's just the adjustment phase.

I think talking to your DH is the first step. See how much you can work out on your own together. If he refuses to talk, or talks but still doesn't change, then counseling would be the next step. He if he won't go for counseling or goes but things still don't change, you might have to make some choices about your happiness and your future. Take it one step at a time. TALK first.

Best of luck!!! I'm sure it will all work out!

oh my god.. i am going through the same thing.
it's a hard thing to feel like you are last on his list. I think they need time to realize that they have more resposbilities now and it's not just his friends that need him. Now he has a wife who is his family. and the friends at times should come last. noone can change over night or do a 180. his friends have always been there and it's comfort for him. eventually they will listen to us when we talk, even if you have to repeat yourself several thousand times.
i was talking to a friend here at work and she also suggested counseling(for my situation). especially if he doesn't communicate well.
things will work out for you, you need to keep your head held high and know you can make it through.
if you want to 'talk' more, just FM me.
-steph