Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

You have gotten some great advice, so I don't have anything to add. Just wanted to say that you and your Fh will be in my thoughts and prayers

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

my thoughts are with you too!! Someone close to FH and I (won't say in case people lurk) has that same problem. He would disappear for a day or two and go out binging (drugs). He'll show up with no valid explanation, or a lame one!! He has even been at the point where he needed money brought to him for hotel fees. (i personally wouldn't give him a dime) He doesn't realize what this does to his family!! I have no respect for the person cuz he doesn't have the decency to think about his family or realize he has a problem. he gets mad at his wife when she tells him he can't just disappear like that!! He says he's entitled to it! It only happens once in awhile lately, but enough that his family doesn't care what happens to him anymore.

So i know how tough this is, but at least your FH has been going for help. Hopefully this is his one lapse before he gets committed to cleaning up. Stick by him if he's willing to get help and thinks about how it affects you. But if he doesn't care about how it affects you then you really have to evaluate the relationship. You can only stand by for so long to see someone self destruct. I hope everything turns out ok!!! Keep us posted!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Darling, please trust me when I say divorce is much harder than you think it is. Alot can happen between now and then (you could get pg, etc.)and the situation will only get worse unless you deal with it now. I know you love him with all of your heart, but you are not competing for his love with a career or even another woman. A worthless substance has the power over him and it's something not even all of your love can overcome. Do you really want to go through with this - just to have what you think will be the most special day in your life, only to grow resentful over time when you are struggling financially because he's using your hard earned money for his substance abuse? You have alot more riding on your decision than just one day. If things go really bad, it could be your/his job, your credit standing, loss of respect from your friends/family members. Think of your own respect. Why would you compromise your own pride and self respect for someone who can't stay committed to staying clean? If he can't make that committment to himself FOR himself, than how is he supposed to uphold his end of the bargain in terms of the committment towards the marriage? He may have no control over his actions when he's under the influence and that could have even more drastic repercussions legally somewhere down the road. I'm not trying to be over-dramatic, but I am worried that you are losing the big picture over one day which will cound as one millisecond of the rest of your life. Please don't be mad - I am so here for you and I (as well as the rest of us) support you all the way and want nothing but the best for you. Maybe that's why we don't want to see you make a bad choice that will impact your entire life. If he's been gone since Saturday, maybe it would be best if he stays gone because you don't need the drama or the pain at your doorstep indefinitely of him walking in and out of your life like a 7-11 whenever he falls off the wagon. My absolute best to you.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Just also know that there is a HUGE difference btwn going on a cocaine binge then going on a drinking binge.

Please know that you can always postpone the wedding!!!!!!!!!!!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

beautifully said Shamee!!!

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Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

My guy used to be like this too. He is now clean and sober for over 3 years. I think people who use are making a choice. You also have to make a choice whether or not you can live with his addictions. If his family is unaware of his problem, it may be because he knows it is wrong and he is embarrassed. I told his family and he was mortified. I truly believe that this was one of the driving forces behind his desire to be clean and sober.

Everybody tries to help the addict..........you look out for you before you get lost.

I am sorry if I sound harsh but I lived with it for 6 years and it was pure H e l l.\

Good lUck!

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My friend is married to an addict. And she SWEARS by al-anon meetings!! I have heard that MOST people do fall off the wagon in the begining. If he has a counselor call them. If his family knows talk to one of them.
I dated an addict & he went into re-hab & the DAY he got out he went back to drinking. So, I kept my distance & only when he was ready to ask for help did he get sober! It's hard to do the whole 'tough love' thing. But, sometimes you have to! I did & luckily it paid off! He is now sober for about 8 years is married w/ 2 children.
I know you love him but this is not fair on you. He is being mighty selfish!! So, you're also going to have to get selfish. You DESERVE a man who won't pull this sort of crap!!

I wish you all the best! Please keep us posted!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Thank you to everyone, I will respond in detail later (i'm at work and have to sneak on plus I don't have privacy here)

Those of you that FMd me thank you so much, I will respond from home.

I just heard this song on the radio and the words touched me...kind of describe my feelings.... (except for the 'wife' part insert Husband....

'If you're not the one'

If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all

I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?

I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?

'Cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'Cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side

I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

be strong

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Hi, I just read your post about your FH, and it reminds me EXACTLY of what I went through with my ex. I dated him for a year before I found out he had any problems with drugs. I don't know now if I was just blind to it, but he hid it very well. Once I found out, I was determined to make things work, and so was he. He was clean and sober for about 8 months after that, and then he relapsed. He would disappear, take my money, tell me he was going to kill himself and that I would be lucky if I ever saw him again. I was a nervous mess. I almost flunked out of college because of it and the stress sent me into a two year long depression. Each time, we would say we were going to change things, and they would be good for a few weeks, then go back to the chaos. I FINALLY found the strength after three and a half years to end it, and from what I hear, 4 years later, he is STILL using and still goes through long stretches without using, then relapses.
I do not in anyway want to make you feel like things are not going to work, but in my experiences, and from the people I work with (teens with drug problems), it always gets worse before it gets better. It is not a good sign that a few months before your wedding FH is spinning out of control. Those are not the actions of someone planning a future with you. That is someone who is still wrapped up in their selfish addiction. Now, I understand you wanting to make it work, but if that is what you decide, I would make sure to get yourself into counseling AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. This is a serious issue that will not go away. I agree with whoever posted about alanon. I really think you would benefit from it. I think you just need to ask yourself some questions, like, why doesn't your family know about this? If you really feel that it is something that can be worked out, would you be hiding it from your family, or would you want their support? Why is FH not in AA/NA? Is this man someone that you think can handle the stress and responsibility of marriage and a family? If his problem persists, are you willing to expose your children to it someday?
I am sorry if I in anyway upset you anymoer than you already are, but I really know what it is like to be in your shoes. And I asked all of the same questions to myself and decided that my happiness and future were at risk and I needed to move on. I have found someone else now, and will be marrying him, and I just can't imagine what would have happened if I had married my ex. I wish you all the luck in the world, and please feel free to talk anytime!

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I am so sorry that you are going through this. I feel like I need to tell you my perspective on this and if you need anymore advice PLEASE FM me. I am only a graduate student, whcih by NO means makes me an expert on the situation..but I am studying counseling with a focus on the family and addictions. I know what I know, it doesnt make it right, but I will tell you the facts as I know them. Take them for what they are worth. An addiction is VERY hard to overcome..as you know, yoru finace didint CHOOSE to become addicted, ( whether it be alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling)..some people are born with an addictive personality. BUT, the good news is people CAN overcome their addictions ..it just takes ALOT. AA may be necessary for him, and al-anon may be necessary for you..alanon is treatment for people who love someone that has a problem.( IT IS FOR YOU!!) I suggest you find your local chapter IMMEDIATELY. Call alcohlics anonymous near you and tehy can point you in the right direction. You HVAE to think about whats best for you first..you may be feeling sorry for him and want to help him..and that is fine..but also not what is needed.He doesnt need you to help him..you cant help him. TAKE CARE OF yourself first. Second, I have a girlfriend who went through this, her college boyfriend and love of her life was an alcoholic, I watched them break up and get back together for 8 years...he would stay sober and then slip again. It is very hard on a realtionship, especially if you marry and have children. I dont know you or your fiance..he CAN get better..he just has to TRULY want to and it will always be a struggle. A treatment center may be excatly what he needs. I am in Jersey so I can only tell you about ones here..you can FM me if you are interested and I will give you my number, we can talk..you dont even have to tell me yoru name..I know that I am no expert..but I have done some research on addictions and I do know that it is very emotional on a person who loves the addicted..and sometimes you may end up trying to save them and not saving yourself. I dont know you and I dont know your situation..but I dont want that to happen to you. Please FM me and I will give you my number if you need to talk. There also are hotlines that you can call.They are usually 1800 numbers and you will find them in the first few pages of your phone book. LIsTEN to what the people tell you..they are there because they care. Your fiance is not the only one hurting here..YOU ARE hurting..it may take him to hit rock bottom before he wakes the hell up..but you dont have to hit rock bottom too! Maybe you can put off your wedding for a bit..this is very serious.and I know you love him, but love yourself enough to give yourself the very best,,make SURE he can stay sober..it would be worth the wait. It is a horrible situation no doubt, and it may seem easier to go through with the wedding, but think long term, think children, think YOU..can he do this? BE SURE!!! I will be home all night..FM me if you need ANYTHING!!! I mean it!

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I will pray for you because this is a big decision-I know that you are in love with your FH and that he probably feels like the biggest failure on earth for letting you down- It is very hard to compete with an addiction- this is not an action- it goes so far beyond that and this may be the last time that he relapses or the first of many- GO WITH YOUR GUT- your hearts of hearts never lies- YOU must dig deep down inside and figure out whether marriage( to who im sure is good person) to a person with an addictive personality is worth YOUR peice of mind and soul- and if eveytime the pressure is on hes going to take the easy way out and start losing-please do what the other say and attend some counseling for yourself- I wish you well-

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I'm sorry that you are going through this...but here's another perspective...from the child of an alcoholic...

my father wasn't an everyday drinker...but once or twice a year he would get p*ss a$$ drunk and come home screaming and yelling...thrwoing things...etc...it was just awful...adn while he was never physically abusive to my mom, my sister or me...I can never forgive him...I barely like him...his past behavior haunts me and will for the rest of my life...he even had the f*cking nerve to get drunk at my wedding...during our f/d dance...I wanted to kill him...i couldn't even stand being close to him b/c he reeked!!! and afterwards I cried to one of the GM...


think about if you want to have children...and how it will affect them...

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I didn't read all the posts but I am sure these ladies have given you great advice, unfortunatley I have way too much experience in this subject and these are my suggestions only:

1. Find yourself a NARNON group ASAP, it will help you a great deal.

2. Postpone the wedding, your FH shouldn't not had committed himself to marry you without at least 3 years clean under his belt, if he is not going actively to meetings, it is more probably that he will pick up again, (they don't need a reason, the urge for the drug will be there for a long long time)

3. If you want to stand by him, remember it's a long journey and in just minutes he can go right back to where he started, he is on a run right now and when he gets back you will have to do some soul searching, it's about YOU not him, I wish you nothing but happiness and I DO know what you are going through. God bless.

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In a reading I did for a marital and family class the author said, 'When you pick your partner, you also pick your set of problems.' With that being true, follow your heart. If it is to the altar, just be sure that you are ok with the ramifications that this issue will likely have on your relationship. In other words, know what you are getting yourself into. If you are ok with it, then work together on helping him grow.

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HI Anon....

One of my best friends battled an alcohol/cocaine/gambling addiction....he was a mess, but he finally admitted he needed help...That is STEP 1....He is a great person, but when he was high or drunk, he was a bear....very rude and obnoxious...I considered just ignoring him, lettting him go...but then common sense set in, and as much as I was scared for his life, he was scared for it too...he finally admitted he had these problems....sought out counseling, he does the NA/AA/Gamblers ANonymous meetings, and so far has been clean for 2 years....I am so proud of him, and I feel if I did not stick by him, give him a phone call every few days to check in on him, let him know that it was ok to cry, ok to discuss his feelings, OK to feel the way he felt, I don;t know where he would be...I love him like I love my family...I am so happy he did it....

Your FH may need that recognition that it is OK for him to feel vulnerable, its OK to feel like crying, its going to take time to heal, as it goes much deeper than the surface...if you are confident that you can help him,and help yourself, then go for it. Stick by him, encourage him, give him that love you have for him...but in the process, you have to be able to love yourself too...you have to worry about your well being first of all, as hard as it is....your head and heart are in the right place, but you have to wait for him to admit it to himself and to you...its a dangerous life he is involved with. Once he admits he has the problem and cries out for the help, it will be the first step to building it all back up....keep your chin up and Lots of luck to you...FM me if you need too...Good Luck!

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I hope you find peace in this situation
You will be in my thoughts

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I have never been in this situation, so I don't feel comfortable giving an opinion. My heart goes out to you. I think these women have given you some great advice. Just be true to yourself. You have to put yourself first right now.
Please keep us posted.
Lots and lots of

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I want to echo what yabbobay said as my situation is so similar. However, I don't have contact and haven't for years and years. I wish I could offer more advice but from what I can offer, please do think of what this may do to a family, should you decide to have one and the situation continues. Divorce is never easy or simple and can be a long, hard process. Adding in children to a divorce and to living in a situation such as the one you may possibly be in could be more devistating. It's more than him not just being around, but I'm sure I don't have to tell you that. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers and hope that whatever path you take will be the best one for you. Always know you have us here when you need us. We will do what we can.