Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I have been with a man who was verbally abuse before and when he drank it got even worse. So the situation is NOT the same but I am going to offer you some advise anyway.
All people have many sides to them. Addiction is something that forces the user to chose between a good/happy life and a life of chaos and hurt. Your FH was able to chose a happy, clean and sober life over his addiction for many months BUT in the end the addiction has won.
I am NOT saying that you do not love him but in all honestly love is just not enough. You need to love yourself and your future (and that of future children) more than him right now. You need to go to your own therapist to figure out how to be 'okay' and gulit free over your decision to move on. Having a wedding is one thing. A marriage is another. Your FH needs to heal himself and that might mean, you have to do it for himself, on his own in order to really get clean and sober.
Of course, the choice is yours and yours alone to make. But I do not see happiness in a marriage that is controlled by an addiction. I am sorry that this is happening to you. I also recommend you talk to a close friend or family member soon. You need a shoulder to cry on.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

oh sweetie, to you.
i need to say that i agree with Swags, you need to know (1) you cannot change him, (2) you must recognize that the only person over whom you have control is YOU, you can change how you act and react but can never change or control how he acts; and (3) i am glad you came on here for support but please look up an alanon meeting and go, at least to one or two - it will help.

my DH has been sober for over 10 years. that said, it is ALWAYS an issue and will always be. i feel very comfortable with him but that is because i trust him completely to take care of himself and recognize when he cannot. when he needs support, or more support, he reaches out. he goes to a counselor, he goes to a meeting, he talks to me.
Your FH sounds as if he is not quite at this point (not saying he cannot get to it though). he is still at the point where he will relapse. it happens and it is okay (okay in the sense that it does not mean he is incapable of recovering). he does not necessarily know, until after the fact, that he needs more support than he had.

i don't have much advice for you except that you need to search inside and determine if this is what YOU WANT. please do not worry about the wedding arrangements and everything. all that stuff is secondary. TRUST ME, DIVORCE IS MUCH MORE EXPENSIVE AND SHAMEFUL then canceling a wedding (i know). so forget all that stuff. just look in side you and analyze your feelings. i don't know your situation, but if you want to stay with FH then YOU SHOULD. right now, you more than anybody, knows how much he needs support. BUT, you also need to make sure that you protect yourself. you must remain healthy, keep your boundaries, and you must do whatever you need to do for you. If you are not quite ready, then the wedding can wait. If you need more time, take it!!

On what to do right now, i really hate to give you advice. but i will offer my two cents and hope it helps. I guess if it were me, i would be try to be supportive , yet i would be pretty tough on my stance. i would need more structured assurances and evidence of his committment to seek support and recover. i would want to be clear what kind of recovery strategy your FH was in (you said it was not AA - is it a structured program?). perhaps a specific rehab program would be appropriate, or joining an AA group or something similar. Also, i would want to attend joint counseling (like couples counseling). these are reasonable things that your FH should be willing to do. and i would try to lay out my boundaries very clearly. i would tell him that i am totally here for him, but i cannot marry him until he has proven that he is ready and trustworthy, and he can prove this by being honest and sharing his recovery with you. and even if/when he relapses, he must call you right away (preferrably BEFORE) or committ to calling a sponsor. NONE OF THIS don't know where he is, haven't heard from him BS. that is unacceptable, and he must respect you more than that in the future.

you know this already, but here goes. addiction is a sickness. it makes it so that sometimes your FH cannot help himself. BUT, recovery means that when circumstances make it so that it is predictable that the sickness will make you give in, YOU REACH OUT to others, to have them HELP YOU HELP YOURSELF. To do this you must be totally honest with YOURSELF, as well as with your life partner. It sounds like your FH is pretty open and honest with you. this is a good sign to me. if you believe he is capable of being totally honest with himself, then HE CAN DO THIS!!!!! and you can too. but just please do not neglect yourself. make sure you get all the support you need too!!

Good luck and please feel free to FM me any time. and more HUGS to you! (sorry this is so long)

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I am just learning to deal with someone who is an addict. I recently found out the my younger sister was using heavily. She came to us because she wanted to help herself...she knew that it was ruining her life & couldn't stop on her own. (she started using for weight reasons). I have been going with her the some of the NA meetings & let me tell you they are wonderful. He def needs to attend these group meetings to gain a support system & get a sponser. THe hard thing is does he want to stop?? You can't make someone want to get better.. thank god my sister does want help & I have faith that she will be okay.

My advice is take it one step at a time. Maybe you should hold off on the wedding until his becomes more stable. This is a serious problem that you need to address now. Like T said what if it happens again later on in life. You need to find out what caused the replase & how serious he is about stopping.

You too should maybe see a counselor to help deal with this. I went & saw someone & it really helped! FM me in you want more info. http://www.na.org/

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

For once I am at a loss for words. I offer hugs

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

You have FM!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

i was involved a few years back with a man who drank heavily. i have to strongly agree with michele31 when she says love is not enough. as much as i loved this man, i could not see a life with him. although none of our futures is certain, there were too many unanswered questions:

1) when would he slip again?
2) what if he slipped when I (or our future kids) needed him? - physically, emotionally
3) what if he went all out right before the wedding? what if he 'forget' about the wedding? (or other important events in our life).
4) how could i bring children into an unstable relationship like that?? what if he started drinking and left for days - how would i explain that??

you need to take things one step at a time. i think you need to share this with your family and get yourself some counseling. no matter what you decide, this will be a hard and painful decision.

good luck!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Very well said JoRo - My DH is 2 1/2 years sober. It took me a few months of dating him to realize there was a problem. He worked midnights and we weren't together as much as most couples just starting out but once we attending a few weddings and stuff together I knew he had a drinking problem.

I knew for myself, that I could not be invloved with an alcoholic. I knew this from personal experience so I was 100% willing to walk away. WIth regret yes, but willing to nevertheless. I explained this to my DH and he was able to acknowledge his problem and he stopped drinking October 2000. I NEVER asked him to STOP, just to get it under control. He knew he could not control it by cutting down, only by STOPPING ENTIRELY.

When he quit, I was even annoyed at first because it affected me social life with him. He wasn't comfortable in bars, didn't want to be around people that were drinking, I felt that I couldn't drink. It was really hard. But now I realize that our relationship began after he stopped drinking because he was a TOTALLY DIFFERENT PERSON.

Even today, things come up, events, social occassions when I am afraid he will drink again and every time, our wedding, honeymoon, bachelor party, he stays away from it.

I am sorry to go on about my situation. I just want you to see that you are not alone.

Your decision is based on your threshold and his willingness to change. Will he stop drinking? Then you should try to help him do that. Will he never go back? There are no guarantees but if you believe in him and you relationship, then it is worth fighting for.

FM me if you would like to talk and GOOD LUCK!!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

OMG...thank you all so much, I am on the verge of tears....I feel them coming....

I want to tell you where I am right now. I feel like 1/2 of my soul is missing. I love him more than words can say. When we are together I don't think I can be happier! So I feel as if I just cannot walk away from him. I can't imagine my life without him.

When he comes come, I am going to talk to him. I do want him obviously to go to meetings, but I think we do need couples counseling. He needs to know how I feel. Maybe I am not communicating it correctly to him.

At this point, my parents are sooooooo excited for us. I am excited too. I can't bear the thought of not having the wedding. I would rather try to stick it out and if need be, I will get divorced. At least I tried. And who knows, he might just be able to beat it this time.

Thank you again

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

anon, i can only imagine how this must be taking its toll on you - you must for a little bit focus on you though - not what everyone else thinks or what your families think...its alot to consider right now and i think it is a good idea to talk when he comes hoem and sobers up (otherwise it may be too messy for you both and you guys might say things you later regret!)

i agree with everyone that love might not be enough though, infortunately....

i had a simialr situation years ago - we never were enagegd though but it got messy and dangerous for me....and that is somethign else to consider as well

good luck and follow your gut....

i am here, as are all the other girls, if you need anything - i won't fm you b/c i am sure you are being inundated with them but if you want, fm me!!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Give me a few minutes and you will have FM!

Here's some in the meantime.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I wish you all the best with whatever decision you have to make. I pray God's guidance for you and your FI. Do not let the joy of a wedding overshadow what you should do to make a good solid decision. If he really values you and want a marriage with you, he will want to make it work and do what's right. I hope it all works out. Maybe you 2 should be focusing on helping him get better instead of thinking of wedding planning. Once again take care and big hugs to you.

PS you have to live your life for yourself not for your family, do not let the pressures of family dictate you continuing with the wedding just out of fear that you will have to admit to them that your FI is addicted. This might be a blessing in disguise.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Everyone is giving you such awsome advice, I just want to add one more thing to think about. If you weren't already engaged, how would you handle this? I mean, how much is the fact that you're planning a wedding influencing your actions right now?
It's obvious that you love this man, but right now you need to be objective and think about what is best for him, what HE needs. Sometimes when we love someone we don't always do what's in their, or more importantly, OUR best interests. This can put you in a position of being an enabler.
I don't want to give you advice on what you should do, because ultimately it's your decision. Just please think about your future (kids, money, etc) and how committed he is to sobriety. And PLEASE get help for yourself!
My heart goes out to you.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I just wanted to give you big !
You said in your last post that you would rather have the wedding and get divorced, at least you would have tried. Honey, a relationship and a marriage is 2 people!!! Not just you trying. He needs to make a commitment to you and your future together.
All I can say in regards to family etc... is that my cousin married a really abusive man. He treats her like crap in front of everyone & worse behind closed doors. Her family, myself included, encouraged her to cancel her wedding. As a matter of fact, her husband wanted to postpone it 3 times, and she didn't for $$ reasons. (Stupid, I know) my point is.... do not go through w/ something b/c you think your family won't respect you or him. They'll respect you even more! You'll respect yourself in the end.
I'm not the best person at explaining myself or finding the right words to say. FH and I have had our share of problems, and are still a work in progress. However, no matter how I express myself, I am and I feel that my needs are important, so they should be important to him. I really think that's the way you need to look at this very serious subject. My Aunt did not know her husband was an alcholic until 10 years of being married. They are still married (26 years have have adopted 2 sons). She stood by him because she takes her wedding vows very seriously. You do have a lot of thinking & talking to do. For yourself. You do need some more reassurance other than a ring, that he is committed to himself to stay sober.
I wish you nothing but the best of luck and strength in dealing w/ this serious subject!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

At this point, my parents are sooooooo excited for us. I am excited too. I can't bear the thought of not having the wedding. I would rather try to stick it out and if need be, I will get divorced. At least I tried.

This whole statement breaks me heart for you. Of course your parents are excited, who wouldn't be excited to see their daughter get married?? But your parents do not know a big piece of the puzzle - how would they feel if they knew? As Shamma said - maybe they would see it as a blessing in disguise. Your lives together will be a lot more than just the one day - you really, really need to look into your future.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Anon, I am sorry that you are going through this. I think that Michelle and Rlivings were right on the money.

This is not just about supporting your future husband. It is about you. Your FH has made his choice. You can not do anything about that.

One of my brothers is a drug addict. I have six younger siblings all honor roll high school students who went on to become college grads with productive careers. And one brother who just can not stop using. He has been in and out of rehab more times that I can count. He has stolen from all of us. Believe me when I tell you that it does not matter how much you love him if he does not want to stop. Yes, addiction is a sickness, but that does not render addicts completely helpless. As you can see from many of the prior posts, many people successfully overcome their addictions. But you can't count on that, especially since your FH has apparently gone on a binge and has not contacted you since Saturday.

It took me over ten years to accept that I could do nothing for my brother. When he is clean he is my best friend like he used to be and it is hard to imagine him slipping back and choosing that life- but he always does.

Please put the wedding out of your mind right now. You should not be worrying about how to tell your parents or that so much of your planning is complete. Just think about yourself and what it would take to be in a relationship with someone who was clean for a while, then using for a while, and being stuck in that cycle.

Most likely your FH needs to be detoxed followed by rehab. An addict can not just decide to stop without some serious professional help.

Protect yourself, protect your money and think about this carefully. Sorry if this post is scaring you, but this subject really hits home with me. My reality regarding drug addicition has been the most life altering experience I have had. It took me a long time to be able to talk about it with friends because I felt like I had failed my brother somehow by not being able to help him stay clean.

Eventually, we all walked away. I do not speak to him and he will not be at my wedding. Don't get me wrong, this keeps me up at night. And every once in a while, out of the blue, I think of my wedding without him and I come close to breaking. But it is too much of a gamble to have him there and not know if he will be clean or not. I just can't ever look at him again while he is rail thin and noticebly high. I also can't see my poor mother heartbroken over him anymore.

I sincerely hope that your FH's situation turns out 100 times better than my brother's. But please make sure that you protect yourself. And please check in with all of us. I will be praying for you and your FH. Feel free to FM if you want.

Hugs to you

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I should add this too....

my sister's graduation is this Saturday and of course I will be there....but I am hoping he will too. How will I explain to my family I don't have a car and where the heck is FH???

Also, I think my shower is 6/28, i found out thru little clues.

Someone asked me before what type of counseling he goes to. It is a program that he goes to once a week, like a group meeting at a special rehab place. He was supposed to 'graduate' on 6/17.

He has done AA, NA etc many times. We have a lot to talk about and I just want him to come home.

Thanks

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I am so sorry you are going through this sweetie. This must be very complicated and a little traumatic for you. Such a big decision, it must feel like you have the weight of the world on your shoulders. It must be hard to watch him hurt himself in this joyous time...

While I can't offer you words of wisdom having had something similar, Take comfort in this thought please.... EVERYONE has their story and I guess this is yours... or his rather. I called of an engagement myself and SUFFERED MANY sleepless nights making the decision. I went to a counselor and told her my problem with him. I told her I had x months to make this decision while planning was in preparation. We had some work to do. I said what should we do? What would you do? What should I do? She said, and I will never forget this- from the second I walked in the door- 'the good news Marisa is that you already have made up your mind. You know the answer already. We just have to get it out of you.'

It made me so comfortable knowing that. I wasn't going to do the wrong thing.

Two years later- compared to the minute of shame I felt, a lifetime of happiness awaits me with someone else- someone who I don't have to take care of, who takes care of me for a change.

I'm not a very religious woman- but like Shamma said- cultivate a faith in G-d and I think G-d will lead you down the right path. Sounds like your FI could use some faith also. Could he join you for Synagogue/Church once a week?

Big hugs to you!!!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

hugs for you I have dealt with some people who had the similar situation. If your FI has been clean and sober for a year he may just be trying it again before he marries you(I personally wouldnt be alarmed unless he continues this for a while)....
wendy is right, there are alanon meetings all over the place

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

FM!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I can't tell you how sorry I am that you are going through this situation. I have a young aunt who is an addict. She started when she was a teenager and is now 40. When she is clean she is great. She is funny, smart, and a hard worker. Unfortunately, the longest she's been able to stay steadily clean has been about 4 years in a row. She has been in and out of so many programs I can't count anymore. I have heard her stories about how she has 'hit rock bottom' and has 'seen the light', or 'found her way back to the church', it never seems to hold though. As other people can tell you, an addicts behavior does not only impact them it impacts the entire family. She was married until her latest binge/disappearance and her husband divorced her. This was after taking her back many times in similar situations. They have two small children, 3 & 6 yrs., both who are having emotional problems due to her behavior.

I hope you know that I'm not sharing this to be negative. I truly hope that your FH wants to get better AND stay better, that he becomes one of the success stories and that you can find a way to be together happily for the rest of your lives. Don't worry about the wedding and what people will think. You can postpone it while you deal with the issues facing you. It is never too late to get married! Just be sure that you know what you're getting into.

My thoughts and prayers are with you,