Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Hi

I am a regular poster on here, though today I am anonymous due to the nature of my situation.

My FH has been clean and sober for a year. When we got engaged he had been using sporadically. Let's just say I knew what I was getting into. For those of you who have never been in a situation like this, please don't tell me to just run away. It's not that easy when you are totally in love. He has been clean since last July.

This weekend he decided to use again. For what reasons, I do not know. He is not home and hasn't been since Saturday. During the past year he has been absolutley wonderful. You would never in a million years guess that he has a problem.. he has been going to counseling (not AA or NA though) and i finally trusted him with $$ , car etc.

Well the past year we have been buliding a home (not in the physical sense but emotionally) and life has been great...and it came crashing down this weekend. I have been planning our wedding since last summer. It is only a few months away. I have got everything - dress, invitations you name it. I made a commitment to him when I said yes to his proposal. I want to stand by and supprt him the best I can. My family has no clue that this is the situation.

I guess I am asking if you have ever been in this situation, I need your advice. I want to marry him. The past year has shown me what he is ultimately capable of. I know he has to want sobriety. At this point, I honestly don't feel as if I can postpone the wedding. I just feel really lost and sad and hurt....

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I am sorry that I have no advice for you, but you will be in my thoughts!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Just wanted to give you a ((((((BIG HUG))))))

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I have never been in a situation like this, I do not have any advice for you but I do have a question. You said that for the past year he has been 'clean and sober' and that your lives have been good. Now, it looks like he is back to his old ways. Do you really want to spend the rest of your life with a man that at anytime may cause your world to come crashing down? Not knowing from one day to the next if he will come back home or not.

Its a VERY hard situation that you are in. I am sorry for that but at this point you need to think LONG and HARD about you and what you want!!



I hope that things will get better!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

No idea what you are going through but it's a heart wrenching story. Many hugs and good luck!!!!!!!!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I am sorry that you are going through this.

I suggest that you start attending Al-Anon meetings. They are for families of those who are struggling with addiction whether it be alcohol or drugs. You will find the people there to be incredibly helpful and supportive.

I wish you much luck in fighting what can only be described as an uphill battle.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Do you have anyone you can talk to about this?
This is very serious.I think you need to speak with someone who knows about this stuff.
Are there AA counselors that offer these services perhaps that you can speak to?

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

A friend of mine went through almost the same thing as you. Her FH was clean for 2 years then hopped back on the band wagon. She told him the only way the marriage would work is if he went to rehab. It took some work on her part but knowing how much she loved him she kept at it. Finally he decided that it was worth it to him to go to rehab and keep her. They have been married 2+years now and as far as I know hes clean and still attending meetings.

I think this is a very personal decision for you though. I hope it all works out for you. Follow your heart

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Don't just marry him because you feel you 'have to'. Have you spoken to him yet? No one can give you advice on what to do with your life (so may circumstances not fair to make a point-blank statement). Maybe he's trying to tell you something. However, you owe nothing to anyone. You have to worry about your happiness and wellness in life. In terms of his drinking, it's his decision - - you living with it, is yours.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I am going to make the VERY strong reccomendation that you go to Alanon or some other support groups for spouses of people with addiction. Having grown up in this situation you need to be really clear in the decision that you are making. You cannot change him. He will probably relapse several times before he is every truly clean. And yes it can be years of sobrierty and then back to using. Addiction is a very hard thing to live with, especially if when you bring children into it.

If you would like to speak more about this please FM me.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I have never been in this situation, but a very good friend of mine was. She was dating someone who was using drugs. It was a very rocky relationship due to the fact that he wasn't willing to change. Long story short, he went to rehab and is much better. They are now married with 2 children and he is still clean. It has been 3 years. It is a very hard choice for you to make. You have to know that this addiction will alway's be a part of your lives. He may stay sober and then like this past weekend, give into the temptation. He needs to want to do this for himself and no one else. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You said he hasn't been home since Saturday. Have you spoken to him? Is he ok? I really just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. We are all here to try to help you. Please keep us posted.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Thank you all so much for your advice...

It is very helpful to hear the positive stories of people who are doing well. That's what I am hoping for but he truly has to want it and I know that.

Nope, I haven't heard from him since Saturday.

He is OK in the sense that he was withdrawing $$ from our acct. So I know he is alive But I froze the accounts. Sometimes I cannot believe this is happening to me but you know what...I fell totally in love with him BEFORE i knew about any of this. He is awesome when he is clean. You would never guess he has a problem.

Nanjoe - how long was your friend's hubby clean when they got married?

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

He wasn't clean when they got married. He had been for about 6 months and then started to use again before the wedding.
Has anyone heard from your FH?? That is scary, that he's been withdrawing money, but no phone call or anything. Do you have any idea of where he is??

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

did you hear of a place
I think its Narcon? on the radio a lot
for drinking and drugs maybe they can help you or talk to you? Good Luck

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I wish you all the best &just wanted to send hugs to you

I say if you love him, help him and stick by him, although he has to want to help himself.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Thanks everyone

Jennbaby - that is how I feel, no one seems to understand it except your words say what I feel....

NanJoe - did your friend's family know about the situation?> Mine doesn't and I am TERRIFIED of telling them. I am not scared because this has happened before. I know where he is ...approximately. He will call me when he needs $$ (I won't give it to him) or he will just show up at home.

Let's pray he doesn't lose his job either

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

His family new about his addiction...but her's did not!! Her mother wasn't crazy about him anyway, so she just felt that telling her would have made for a really bad situation.

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

I can tell you this being I can somewhat relate to this situation.
Those who use Drugs, find it alot harder to stop . Drugs are very addictive. They allow you to be the person you can't be sober.
People that fall into this catgory need ALOT OF help and in no way do I feel ready for the commitment of marriage when they can't commit to a life of being sober.


I think you should stand by HIM if you believe YOUR heart he can YOU can get past this.
THINK will this Happen again.
Probally.
What happens when you are married with 3 kids and he doesn't come home for 2 days.
IS that OK?:

BE STRONG and BRAVE.
GEt him help!!!!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Someone in my family had had a serious drinking problem and his wife stoodby him to help him through. Shebecame his backbone and as they grew older,years after he stopped drinking, he became the wonderful man she remembered him as. There are many troubled souls who need help. If you love him then stick by him unless he becomes abusive to you. That is not a way to raise children. Your love can be his reason to stop. I wish you thebest of luck. Please FM me if you need help!

Re: Serious situation - advice needed LONG

Please get yourself to either Al- Anon or to a counselor and stick with it.

There are patterns to every relationship with a substance abuser, and chances are you are living some of them and are not even aware.

This will sound very rough - but I am saying it out of experience: you must seek to help yourself, not him. You cannot control anything he does.

Please seek help from a counselor or group who is experienced with substance abuse.