I have obviously changed my screenname. In a second, you'll understand why.
My FI and I just moved into a new apartment. In the process of unpacking some things, I found some divorce documents that belong to him. He was married once before...and I was totally aware of that . . . .but the documents are dated FEBRUARY 20, 2003!!!!!! It said something on there about CONSTRUCTIVE ABANDONMENT. I have no idea what this means.
When we 1st starting dating 4 years ago, I asked him in general conversation if he was legally divorced..and he told me yes.
Ladies, I am shaking right now. I'm surprised that I got through typing this. I don't know what to do. I think he has lied to me. His credibility is so shot now. I am sitting here having doubt about our entire relationship. I don't know what to think, say, or do. The wedding invitations are out, We have over 250 guests. . .
BTW, what is constructive abandonment?
Please help me ladies.
PS- I know that he never intended for me to find these documents. I noticed how uncomfortable he became everytime I went into that room. Last night, I saw him stuff something behind the couch. He just went to the store and I discovered what was inside the envelope about 15 mins ago.
kmcwed
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
OMG! I can't believe how upset you must be. I think you really need to discuss this with him right away.
It's easy to jump to all kinds of horrible conclusions, but maybe there is something here that can be easily explained?? I would give him the benefit of the doubt, talk it over, and take it from there.
If he has been dishonest all this time, or you feel that his answers just don't cut it, then that would be the time for some serious soul searching...
Maybe she left HIM? You just never know. I'm not sure what constructive abandonment is, but it sounds like someone just leaves and never comes back.
But for now, try to breathe and stay calm. Maybe you can talk to someone close to you. But don't wait too long to bring this up to him!
I'mCrushed
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
Thank you kmcwed. I am totally hysterical right now. You wrote:...but maybe there is something here that can be easily explained??
I doubt that because if that were true, he wouldn't have tried to hide those papers from me.
Anyway, I'll take heed to what you've just said. Thank you so much.
Emma2-22
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
Oh my god honey I feel for you I know what it's like to feel unsure about a relationship. Obviously you guys love each other or you wouldn't be getting maried to begin with. I say the best thing you can do is try to relax your nerves, sit down and try to have a calm conversation about it with him. Tell him to be honest and open with you. Then you share your feelings with him and see what comes of it. Don't make any snap decisions he might have a good explanation! But all in all see how you both feel after talking it over. If you still feel that you can't trust him then figure out what you guys are going to do about the situation.
I wish you lots of luck.
Hope everyhting turns out alright.
Keep us posted.
violetfairy
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
Gosh, I'm so sorry to hear that. Am trying to find out about constructive abandonment. Here's what I found so far:
Talk to him- this is the man that you will be spending the rest of your life with and she should be the first to explain things- there could be alot of reasons- Dont assume anything-If it sounds shady then do some more investigating- Good Luck
I'mCrushed
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
thank you Emma. I'll definately keep you posted. I could never tell my mother, family, or friends about this. This is the only place where I feel that I can get unbiased opinions.
I feel like such an idiot, though.
Cindy
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
Hi, I am so sorry this happened. You must feel pretty hurt right now. I would say you sit down and talk to him and see where you are then and how you feel. I am pretty sure the abandonement part means that person was abandoned. Sorry I dont have better advise, but I strongly recommend you talk to him. Hang in there....
Boop2704
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
I am sooo sorry. But I agree you need to talk to him. Maybe he had a good reason for not telling you. I hope things work out for you. If you need to talk please feel free to -fm me or email me. I know you don't know me but I will do what I can to help you.
LnP2003
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
you love him..... yes there is the trust factor, but u love him & the question of the moment is - have you trusted him during your entire relationship, has he broken it once....
go step by step
find out what happened
talk - NO YELLING!
Then think about it all - and make your decision then........
We're all here for you....
jenny2penny
Posted:
Member since
x
..
Rob-luvs-me
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
I am NOT at all an expert on this in any way - Marcela1654 I think works for a divorce attorney so maybe she has a better idea - but about 6 years ago I worked in a divorce firm and I think - but am not sure that in NY you need grounds for divorce - not just we don't want to married anymore - so someone might use the term 'constructive abadonment' just to give a reason for the divorce. My friend is using that term for her divorce now. Depending on how ugly her divorce is she thinks her divorce might take a LONG time to finalize. I think you have to have a mandatory 1 year separation before you file the final papers BUT again I'm NOT sure about this - only heard this in passing.
I think 4 years is a long time - but maybe they considered themselves divorced but were waiting for the courts to finalize the paper work?
That being said - I am NOT defending him at all. I think you should sit down with him and tell him what you found and ask him to explain it to you. I'm sorry you are going thru this
violetfairy
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
All boils down to this: 'Constructive abandonment occurs when your spouse refuses to engage in sexual relations with you for a period of one year or more.'
Actually, I'd be happy about that.
LisaT
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
oh boy, I'm sorry you're going through this.
don't you need to submit proof of the divorce to whoever's marrying you or when you get your marriage license? How'd he hid this then?
maybe the legal proceedings started years go, but they never got around to signing the final paperwork until recently? Don't jump to conclusions until you talk to him. I hope there's a reasonable explanation.
Jenny5150
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
Oh...I'm so sorry.
I've been there.
It's hard, but try not to jump to any conclusions. You have to talk to him. Hear him out.
littlecat
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
It is wrong that he didn't tell you that his divorce wasn't official - he should have been upfront with you but maybe he was scared that you wouldn't take him seriously or not see him again. After he lied he was probably scared to tell you the truth. It is horrible but I don't think that I would call off the wedding. I did read about the constructive abandonment and agree with violet. Definately talk about it with him!!
Jenny5150
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
I agree with LisaT...there may be a reason why this took so long or why he has 'recently dated' papers even though the divorce may have taken place a while back.
By any chance, are you catholic? Is there an annulment involved?
LnP2003
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
LisaT
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
maybe he requested a new copy of the documents, so they have recent date? (grasping at straws for you...)
violetfairy
Posted:
Member since
Re: thinking about calling the wedding off
I don't mean to be a stinker, but the reason I posted the links and not the actual articles is that I'm a writer and am sensitive about intellectual property laws. When the writer hasn't given you permission to post his/her work (especially without attribution), it's best to just post a link to it. That's how stuff winds up getting circulated all over the 'net without credit to the writer, or permission.
