Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

I want to clear something up and to do so I feel that I must write this post. I am not here to annoy anyone or put anyone down. But in the same respect I am not here to hurt anyone either. Some people mentioned 'childish' in another post. Yes, silly little fighting like that is childish but just to make a point, forum mail is private. It could have been about anything at all. And basically it wasnt even about that post not that I should feel the need to explain myself in any way.

I feel that we come here as a community of happy mature women who can help each other out when others dont want to hear anymore 'wedding stuff'. OPinions are wonderful! Thats why I come here. But i dont think that rude opinions or vicious remarks in the name of honesty are helpful or well taken. No one says they have to feel as I do. This is my opinion. Whether someone is getting married in a castle, reception hall, barn, or city hall, the important thing is that we are marrying the ones we love. Absolutely NO ONE is better than anyone else.

I may get some nasty comments back and I expect that. The last thing I want to do is cause trouble with anyone. But when it comes to sepaking my mind, I feel that I must do so. This post may be frowned upon by some, but by me, I felt it was somehting I must do. We are all special. Not just those getting married but those who have gotten married, those TTC, those who have had children..ALL OF US. And for 'those' of you out there who think I do not state my honest opinion..this cant be more honest if I tried.

Good luck to everyone!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Not sure what your issue was, but very well said!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

I couldnt agree more, in fact I myself have been wanting to make a post like this for a while now.
No one is better than anyone else on this board and rude comments and some 'In my opinions' hurt others.I am not pointing fingers at any one person either!!
I know honesty is the best policy, however, when it's worded wrong, it hurts others or makes one feel 'less special'.
Well said nyc!!!
Yo go girl!!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Honestly - I don't see the problem and Im not just saying that because of our 'discussion' in the BM gift post.

99.9% or more of the posts here are valuable. I certainly have learned a lot from the brides here and I like to think that I have contributed as well. They all contribute some information or viewpoint. I find that I learn more when a poster has a different view point.

That being said - Im sure you have seen the many posts where brides will 'yes' a bride to death no matter what - and that helps no one. I believe posts like this DISCOURGAGE users from being honest and that is detrimental to this community.

We all are intelligent women with our own priorities. When anyone posts a comment - it should go without saying that the reader is free to take the advice or ignore it.

Lastly, in the year and a half I have been on this board - I have NEVER seen any bride state that their wedding was better than anyone elses but I have seen posters use that defense to ignore legimate and well intioned advice.

And YES I DO believe my wedding will be very good - I have spent a great deal of time making sure its as good as it can get. Just as I hope you hold the same belief. If a bride doesn't believe that her wedding will be fabulous (whater the venue, budget, trimmings, etc..) - why are we all spending so much time on it?

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

I agree that we are all here to help, be supportive and give advise WHEN ASKED.
I believe that when we give honest answers to questions we are helping. When we just say, 'That is a great idea' even if we think it isn't then are we being fair to the girl who asked- No.
On other boards (not really a LI issue) some girls ask 'How can I write on my invites that we only want cash gifts?' I always say 'You cannot do that'. Some people think that is harsh but it is true. Is it better that I post, 'You can word it nicely at the bottom left corner'. IMO it wouldn't help at all because I would be telling the bride it was a good idea when it breaks every rule, in every book.

That being said, I also do not ask for opinions when I don't them or need them. When I do post something I honestly need advise, support, etc...

I appreciate everyone on this board and believe that all of our weddings are important and special. I think some people on the boards just take advise the wrong way or don't really even want the advise to begin with. I also notice that very often the thread starter never gets upset when someone posts a different opinion, it is usually other posters. Melissa's thread is a prime example of this. Melissa was not posting that she thought anyone was rude for their opinions, it was other brides.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

All of these points are so well taken by me and I appreciate it so much! I agree...everyone is going to have a wonderful wedding and I wish absolutely everyone the best in the world! Thank you for being so mature! Honest opinions are always well accepted by me! I am so happy to be a part of this board with not only some of you...but ALL OF YOU! Good luck to everyone!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Hi everyone,
I just wanted to chime in on this as well, I do agree that we all use this board as a tool & don't just want 'pollyanna fluff' but I still believe in the old 'if you don't have anything nice to say..........'rule at times. I think that's why so many of the posts asking for advice get 50 or 60 views & only a few responses. In addition to that I think that some brides found it offensive that I mentioned the store I shopped in-Melissa's post mentioned a department store as well. I'm still trying to figure out how that offended anyone(it didn't seem to phase Melissa)-But anyway, I will continue to look forward to this board as a way to learn & share as my wedding nears and I think I'll continue to come back after I'm a Mrs also as so many do. I truly wish everyone here the best & thank you all for sharing your ideas & plans!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Wow..I just found this post...thank you nyychic.

I think everyone made some really valueable points in this post.

Personally, I do believe in stating how you feel and not covering up things with lots of fluff, (my FI complains how blunt I can be), but maybe before hitting the Post Reply button we can all reread our message and make sure it doesn't sting! There is a way to be blunt and not hurt. There are ways to show your planning and excitement without bragging and making others feel like their wedding isn't as special. For everyone is planning a wedding with the own style and taste and everyone is very special.

I jave also been on this board for over a year and it is very helpful to me but I have seen many time when I want to jump through my monitor! I am not pointing this at one particular post but I have seen many out there that make me say ouch! and I am not one to flinch or hurt that easily!

Continue on girls and happy planning to all.

Re: A newlywed POV

If I can offer a viewpoint from the newlywed side of things...take it or leave it...

While many brides-to-be on this board think you are in your right and sane minds, you should remember that you are NOT. It's not your fault, though. It's just the way it goes - everything and everyone in your life right now is thought about in relative terms to your frenzied wedding planning. Weddings, especially in the Long Island/NY metro area, are very big (and unfortunately it seems, competitive) productions. How awful is that? The marriage you are about to commit to seems far less important in most of these posts than all the details and decorations, the reception sites and rooms, the flowers, etc. I think that is sad.

Personally, I believe if everyone kept their FH (or FW in Matt's case!) in mind when they wrote their replies, than less viciousness would come through in your words, and more support and understanding would prevail. After all, isn't that how we all want to be treated? Once the weddings are over, your will wonder why on earth you drove yourself crazy for months over things that no one else cared about or noticed!
Just enjoy this time, and be kinder to each other...pettiness is so not worth it!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

I agree...

For me, the difference between saying 'Personally, I might prefer because ' is a better response then 'If someone gave me that I'd be pissed' or 'If happened at my wedding I'd be humiliated - that's just awfull!'

Ask yourself -- How would you feel if, on the day of your wedding happened to you?!?

I don't know about you guys -- but I am a little sensitive about my wedding! I'm THANKFUL that certain people that I've met on some wedding boards won't be at my event to make catty remarks about how this & that were so terrible.

Can I say with 110% certainty that my vendors will act appropriately, or that all of my guests will like their favors / food / service / whatever... Guess what -- NO, and neither can anyone else!

No one's saying anyomne has to lie -- but people need to bear in mind that Everyone's opinion is valid! For the most part I've seen most people make an effort to disagree with someone while retaining a level of respect.

And I have NO PROBLEM with nycchic responding to an issue that was raised in a post that she didn't start -- because at the end of the day, there's a lot of brides -- probably some who are reading this right now -- who NEVER post. And maybe the reason why they don't, is because they don't want to be subject to someone making snide, snobby 'honest' comments to them.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

On a positive note, just wanted to add that I am new to this community and I have found everyone to be so helpful and kind. I definetly understand what everyone is saying about harsh opinions, I just have not encountered that yet. As I said in my first post, none of my friends are getting married yet and I am so relieved to have found others who are going through all the same stuff. So thanks for the insight so far and I am looking forward to continuing to enjoy this website for the upcoming year.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

NYChic and others:

Im asking this in 100% sincerity. Where do you see brides stating that their weddings are better than anyone elses' or being really brutal? Is that your interpretation of what people are implying or are they really writing that? I know other sites are like that but I don't think one is at all. Maybe Im missing it.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Here here nychic, claud and dora!!! You are 100% right and I agree with you totally!!! This board is called 'brides helping brides', not 'brides bashing brides'. Everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but they should find a nice tactful way of stating that opinion!! Yes, we're asking for opinions on suchandsuch, but there's a nice way to answer without hurting someone's feelings. Every single of one of us will have (or in my case, had) a beautiful wedding and be a beautiful bride no matter what our situation is/was -- financially, location, etc!!!

And for those ultimatewedding girls, just remember that what you post is public knowledge and may not portray you or your attitude in a favorable way, especially when you post demeaning things about liwedding brides. So I would think twice before you call anybody an obnoxious idiot and say that you're wedding will better then anybody else's.

As Claud said, being a bride-to-be is a very stressful time and you really are not in your right mind!! It's normal and it's perfectly ok and you tend to be a lot more sensitive then normal!!! Trust me, I've been there and I was thisclose to being committed by my hubby (LOL )!!!

I wish all of you good luck in your planning and that you all have a wonderful day!! As everyone else said before me, remember what matters the most is the DAY itself and the fact that you're marrying your soulmate!!! Good luck to all!!

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Stef:

Although I agree that there are boards that are a lot worse -- but I think people forget that when you knock a reception venue or choice of favor...or bridal party gift --> there's a lot of people who plan to use that reception venue, or favor or bridal party gift...

..Like I said -- I think for the most part, brides are respectful -- maybe that's why when they hear a harsh comment it really stands out...

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Who did that on UW? I am a big UW poster and have NEVER seen that, especially on UW. There are girls from ALL over the World on there. Some of those girls do things that we would never do, such as money dances, asking for cash only gifts, charging people to attend showers. They will remove a post with the word 'tacky' even hinted.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Dora...I could see the outrage if I or anyone else hunted people down to tell them how terrible their choices were but when a thread comes up about a certain topic - the poster is opening the forum for comments. Many people have expressed their dissassifcation with Mark Kauffman (who I recommend) but I certainly don't think its 'rude' of them to tell me even if I never asked. I just think that defensiveness should not be accepted here. If you ask for input - you have to accept both the good and the bad feedback. I never post 'that is terrible' or a bad comment without providing the poster with an alternative choice. Furthermore, I don't think saying that a certain bridesmaid gift (that has not even been purchased yet) is not my style is the same as saying 'YOUR RECEPTION SITE SUCKS'. And I think its unfair to even clump me in with those.


Bearsbabe - If you have some issue with what I post in my journal I wish you would just come out and say it. Yes I did say SOME people on Liweddings are obnoxious since I think calling me rude for responding in a polite and reasonable way is obnoxious. I never called anyone an idiot.

But if you had read the entire paragraph you would have seen that my anger (which is justified) came from the fact that some brides here have no issue 'borrowing' my ideas or templates or outright asking for my help with something feel no need to defend me while Im being slammed for voiceing my opinion. I believe if you have such disguist for someone then you should take any of their hard work.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

Sonicstef -- where in my reply did you see your name mentioned?? You must have a guilty conscience. I'll only say this because I don't want this to get totally blown out of proportion and turn into some hissy fight. So since you 'outed' yourself, whatever you write in your journal on another site is totally your perogative, but if you feel that some of the brides here are -- and this is a direct quote from your journal -- 'Well...the next time any of those girls come looking for a program template or something else - they can just make one themselves. Thats what I get for
sharing my hard work with idiots.' -- then you shouldn't be a hypocrite and respond to any of those posts written by any of these girls who you called 'idiots' (which is totally uncalled for in IMO and not nice at all). And then add how your wedding will be better then their's.

How childish is that? Like I said, I'm not going to get into some argument with you. You are totally entitled to your opinion, but sometimes you have a tendency to be a bit harsh in your opinion. I understand you don't want to 'yes' a bride to death, and that's good, but you have to try and state your opinion in a more subtle manner. As for people stealing your ideas, you should be flattered.

Again, this site is not for bashing, it's for helping. Everyone is going to have different ideas and different opinions and that's what makes this world what it is, otherwise we'd all be like the Stepford Wives.

Good luck in your planning.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

You are right - I did say idiot - my mistake - but it was said mostly in anger as I feel I have contributed a lot of help to brides here and I feel like that goes mostly unnoticed - but if I say something that goes against what a few brides think is right - then I am slammed with no thought whatsoever.

If you feel that what I write on another board is my perogative - then why do you mention it here? You intent was clearly negative as I don't see how that helps anyone.

I don't have a guilty conscience nor do I feel like I 'outed' myself - there is nothing for me to be guilty about. And I said in the macys thread itself that yes I do think my wedding will better. Of course I do - if I thought your wedding (or anyone elses for that matter) was 'better' than wouldn't I use all your vendors and try to make my wedding like yours? It doesn't mean I think I am better than anyone - just that I believe my choices are right for my FH and I. Just as I hope you and everyone else here feels the same way.

If you were to look at the overwelming number of my posts - nearly all of them contain information that I consider 'helpful'. And I was upset that all of the brides that I have gone out of my way to help (weather that be emailing something to designing CD covers for or whatever) - virtually none of them said a word. If I saw the same happen to a bride who had helped me - then I would step in quickly.

I think if a bride does not appreciate my help than she should not ask nor take it. I don't think I need to be thankful that people like my ideas and use my work to make their lives easier. I don't mind sharing when its used by people who can AT LEAST RESPECT my ideas (not necessarily agree with them) but if someone is using my program template (for example) and then wants to slam me (or stay silent) - I think they should create their own.

Re: Speaking my mind..I feel that I must.

uh -oh. I wasnt' going to get into this. In fact I only read the last couple of posts. But Stef I copied your program template!!...now I am embarrassed ....I dont' know what the journal is or what UW stands for but I hope you (and everybody) understand that it's all in extreme flattery when I copy!!! UGH. I feel so lame...I am sure you understand but just in case..