Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I finally announced my engagement on Christmas eve and day. I've been hounding my best friend for a week before Christmas that I really wanted to see her. She said she would catch up with me since she would be out here with her family (she lives in the city and RARELY comes out here). I called her on Christmas and asked her if I could see her because I had a gift for her and her son. She said,'Well I'll try, but Im going back to the city to hang out with my BF.' I wasnt asking for the whole day, I was just asking to see her for 1/2 an hour. I was at my FH's family's house when she called and I missed her call. She said she couldnt wait anymore and was heading back to the city. But good news, her brother just announced HE'S GETTING MARRIED. Ughhhh!!!! They are having a big party on Friday (that just passed) and that if I WANTED, I could pass by her mothers house to see her. I made the decision not to pass by becuase it sounded like I was inconveniencing her and second because I would be rude of me to rain in on her brother's thunder. Im so sad, because she's the last to know and I wanted to ask her to be my MOH. Now Im rethinking the whole idea. I've been clinically depressed that last 4 months and since she started dating this guy, she hasnt even called me to see how In doing. Im starting to question our friendship. Girls, what should I do?
Update: I finally told her on New years and she was really excited. I asked her to be a bridesmaid, not the maid of homor because I know she is just going to be unreliable. Anyway, she just wrote me this horrible email and said, I quote, 'i miss you a lot I'm sorry i don't write or call a lot but since you were having your bouts with depression I felt I should back off a bit' Im am soooooo heated right now!!!!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

Relationships with our girlfriends are strange sometimes. I know my BF and MOH and I have had some rocky times in the past 16 years we've been friends. I found that there was a time in our life when I was experiencing the same thing that you are. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't pin her down for a short visit (she's married and has a son). When she missed my college graduation, I sat down and wrote her a long heart-felt letter. She told me that she didn't realize her actions were affecting my feelings so much and she would make a conserted effort to meet me half-way in our friendship (and she has).

I know for me actions speak louder than words so if you're friend hasn't bothered to ask how you are doing I'd call her on it and lay it all out on the table and then decide what the status of your friendship is. I would start there and announce your engagement to her and see how things go before you ask her to be your MOH, you still have time even though I know you're excited to ask.

Good luck!

ETS: I posted a few days ago asking how all the announcement went......what were some reactions?

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

That sounds like a good idea. I dont think I want to talk to her right now because I have a very short temper and I wouldnt want to say something out of line. The only thing that you said that made me sad is that Im excited to tell her. I was excited to tell her last week, but now I just dont want to tell her at all. It all seemed so surreal last week telling everyone, but it came crashing down when I realized my BF doesnt even know. I know, I know, Im giving this too much thought.... But I cant help feel abandoned by her.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

Yay!! A pick me up!!! Thanks for asking!! My mom didnt question me, but she wasnt all too excited either. Her words, 'ok.........congratulations.' I had to go and hug her because she made no effort. My dad on the other hand was almost in tears. I told my sister over the phone in the bathroom before I announced it to my family. She was so excited!! I passed out the cards with me and FH that said 'merry xmas - we'd like to take the opportunity to announce our engagement.' No one read the announcement, they all just said 'Wow, what a great picture of you two' I had to yell 'read the CARD!!!' then my two cousins who I asked to be my BM's came to hug me and started crying. It was a whole boohoo fest. We called his mom in FL and she said 'welcome to the family officially'. His Dad was suprising emotional when we told him and his sister was shrieking over the phone. One of the best days of my life. Again, thanks for asking!!

PS - Only 1 or two people asked about the ring. I just told them we were going to pick one out together soon.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

You're not putting too much thought into this. Girls value their friendships just as much as they value their relationships with their significant other. Your girlfriends, especially your best friend should be the stability in your life. I know my BF has been here to see many men (well not that many) come and go from my life, watched me gloat over guys who didn't deserve me, cry after having my heart broken and picked me up when I felt like I couldn't get up. So when that friend disappoints you, it's devastating. So your feelings are valid, but please don't let this friend add to your depression!

ETS: I'm big on the after thoughts today. AND do NOT let her rain on your parade!!! YOU'RE ENGAGED!!!! YAY!!!!!!!! Her loss that she's missed all the excitement.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I am currently completing my internship to be a clinical psychologist. From my experiences, when a person is depressed, he or she practices a lot of negative thinking. Often, your perception of an event or a person's intentions is skewed to the pessimistic side. In addition, you tend to only look at evidence which confirms your negative viewpoint. In other words, you fail to acknowledge other alternative explanations for a person's behaviors which are more positive.

Hope you feel better.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

My doctor has pointed that out to me. But she also agrees with me that my BF is not being much of a friend either. She has pointed out, like halloweenbride, that I should confront her and question why she hasnt called me. She knows about my depression and at first she was always there, but you all the know the story of once you get a new boyfriend, you drop everyone else out of your life.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

DivaBride, I read your post and felt like I was reading my life story. I can empathize with you greatly. Broken relationships with your girlfriends are just as hard to deal with as broken hearts

My BF and I had a falling out some months ago, after nearly 20 years of friendship that saw us through thick/thin, good times and bad ... now at this happiest time in my life, when I finally met the man of my dreams, she has gone and tried to ruin it for me. I definitely know that it hurts a lot .. its taken me a long time to get over this situation

However, as HalloweenBride04 said - don't let her rain on your parade! Don't automatically assume this behavior is 'OK' and still ask her to stand up for you. But ultimately, every friendship is different and you must come to your own conclusions. Unfortunately I've already come to the conclusion (a tough one at that) that I cannot ask my 'BF' to be my MOH, even though I NEVER thought it would come to that. She was like a sister to me, and since I have no sisters this is a very tough time for me. But I'm a little bit older and wiser than I used to be, and I need to do what's best for ME to make this my own very spescial day.

Embrace those in your life who ARE truly happy for you, because those are the people who really will matter in the long run!

I wish you only happiness and joy as you embark on this wonderful time in your life!!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I agree with Felicia. My situation is similar to yours and hers. I also considered asking her to be my MOH but in the end, she seemed too wrapped up in her own life at this point in time so I decided against it. I, too, have no sisters and did not know what to do about a MOH. Wait until you are not so upset and give her a call then feel it out - see how things go. Make the decision that's best for you.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

Thanks guys!! I just get really upset about it when I overthink it. I will try one last time to meet with her for new years, but if she cant meet me half way then let her read my announcement in the paper like the rest of the world
I've come to figure out it will most probably be her loss, not mine.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

Maybe I sound cruel here, but why cant ya just tell her over the phone? Does it have to be in person/ She will be just as excited to hear the news!!! Good luck!!!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

BTW, am470 is right, Im going to school for family therapy and from what I know about depression, you may be seeing it worse than it really is..I dont mean to make light of your situation, but maybe talking to her about your feelings would be best for both of you!! That way, you can tell how you feel and she can tell how she feels!!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I think your missing the point. I went out of my way for a week. I called her, I sent countless emails and she reassured me she was going to see me. Then when the time came, she blew me off. Would you purposely blow someone off if you knew that person was emotionally sensitive? That's just rude.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

No, I would never blow off anyone if I said Id do something...but maybe she has her own things going on..you wont know until you talk with her, you love her enough to think of her as your MOH..!!!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

If she is intentionally blowing you off, then yes, its horribly rude and Im sorry that she has hurt your feelings, my thought is that you love her to aks her to be yoru MOH, maybe love her enough to give her the benefit of the doubt..

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I am the QUEEN of reading too much into a situation & being overly sensitive. Try not to take her actions personally. Although, I clearly see the disappointment, and would be disappointed too! Just disappointed in the fact that you aren't able to tell her the WAY you want to tell her. Sometimes, we just have to go w/ 'Plan b'. Have you considered telling her on the phone? Perhaps, just hearing her excitement will cheer you up..... and then you can either ask her to be your MOH in person, unless you decide otherwise.

A friend gave me great advice when I got engaged. Don't ask anyone to be in your BP right away. Wait a few months, you'd be surprised what you learn about people. It was so true. I was going to ask my cousin (along w/ my other 3 cousins- like sisters to me) and now, we're not on speaking terms! Would've been ugly had I had to tell her 'And don't worry about being a BM'.

Good luck!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I actually lost a few friends shortly after I got engaged.and it hurt, I felt liek I was breaking up with a boyfriend...but I felt better that I did everything I could do to try and work it out..some people just have issues that we dont know about, I guess Im hoping that in your case, your friend isnt insensitive, Im hoping she is going through something herself, Im sure when you tell her you are engaged, she will feel bad about not having closer contact

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I completely understand your desire to want to tell your friend face to face - my best friend knocked on my door after midnight the night she got engaged to tell me (I almost killed her for waking me up before she put her ring in my face ) and if she had to call me instead (say, if I didn't open the door - which I almost didn't) she would have been upset.

I'm just trying to look at this from your friend's perspective for a minute: she has no clue you're engaged so how could she understand the importance of you wanting to see her in person!! And with her brother getting engaged she's caught up in that and in her own life at the moment. Is that so wrong? It happens to everyone. The new boyfriend will cool off after a while (as they all do - I know I wanted to spend every moment of every day with FH the first few months, and then I came back down to earth).

In no time you'll be plenty caught up in your wedding plans and like most of us you probably won't think of anyone or anything else for a while - and that's okay too. I'm sure once she actually knows about your engagement she'll be there for you 100% but you just might have to tell her over the phone to get her to realize what's going on.

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

I've thought long and hard about this. I'll give you a lil background first though. Although she is my best friend, she constantly lets me down. But I want to keep the friendship, so I dont say anything and basically let her walk all over me. My psych told me all of this and I agree with her. Anyway, I now know I just dont feel comfortable giving her that responsibility. I might just ask her to be a bridesmaid, but I'll tackle that issue when I get there. As for all the advice you all have given me, I realize I read too much into her asking me to meet her at her mom's house, but that she messed up by blowing me off to hang out with her new beau. Anybody have any other advice, I would appreciate you opinion on the matter. Thanks guys!!

Re: Sad that MOH doesnt know Im engaged...Long

Best of luck..I know you have some hard decisions...finding out who are and who arent
your friends is a very scary place to be!