What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Any suggestions? At this point, I will listen to all!

My parents are paying for our wedding, but not the wedding his mother would prefer us to have, money wise.

And she (his mom) constantly is calling, giving advice, which is fine, but every sentence starts with one of these statements..

1) It's not my business but...
2) It's not my wedding but....
3) That's nice,but dont you think it would be better too...

She's driving me nuts!

And my wonderful fiancee is in the middle of this..

It's such a complicated situation.. I don't want to offend her.. but sometimes I just wanna tell her where to go and how to get there..

Plus, she has stated more than once, actually about 50 times now, she has no intention of paying for anything more than the rehersal dinner, his tux and the groomsmen's attire, and our honeymoon. Which is fine with me, I am more than grateful for that.

But she still won't back off?
So if anyone has any suggestions on how I can deal with this situation, I'd be ever so grateful.

Thanks for taking the time
JC

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

It's tough!! Because YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THEM!!! We have no choice.. LOL.. It is so tough.. You just have to grin and bare it I think.. if you ever said anythng than that would put your fi in the middle, and he would feel so bad.. I don't know what to really say, but I wanted to tell you that..and say GOOD LUCK.. I hope she straightens out!!!

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Just tell her that you appreciate her input and her advice, and you will definitely consider what she says before you make a decision, but ultimately it is your wedding and you will make the final decision. Especially if you are paying for it. Otherwise, just grin and bear it, and do what you want anyway. LOL.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

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Posted by Smolokoff

Just tell her that you appreciate her input and her advice, and you will definitely consider what she says before you make a decision, but ultimately it is your wedding and you will make the final decision. Especially if you are paying for it. Otherwise, just grin and bear it, and do what you want anyway. LOL.

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Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Just listen and ignore suggestions (unless she comes up with a great one)!

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

If it helps, you just decribed my FMIL.

She's concerened about every detail and we have opposite tastes. When I don't tell her things she obssesses and goes off on her own calling people and getting ideas-yes she went to bridal shops and florists and called halls. I know it sounds well-intended , but I want to plan my wedding.........................

and no she's not paying for any of it . If we accepted the $$, it would come with too mcuh of the crap. He guest lsit si already way too big, When I said something-she said she's jsut pay for what she goes over...not the point!

When I let her in on the details she makes negative comments about my choices. I'll patronize her for now but I'm concerned one day she'e going to push me too far . At least FH understands, he's known her all of his life
Bottom line she had her time, this is mine.
Thanks for letting me vent

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Dealing with my mother is more of a pain than FMil But I agree with the other ladies that say to talk to her nicely abut staying out of it.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Unfortunately - It's one of those things MANY of us just have to deal with !! Aggravating as that may seem, we can sympathize !!
Just come online and vent to us !! =)

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Ship her to Florida and get caller id! (ok so that is what I did)

My Mother's advice to me was smile pretty and think FU!

Tell her thank you for the advice and you will consider it, and then take a deep breath!

Editted because I meant caller ID not call waiting

Message edited 2/15/2004 10:33:00 PM.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Do what I did. I started saying things back. There is no reason why you have to sit there and take what someone has to say all the time. I used to just sit back and it would drive me mad to be quiet. So I started speaking up. Yes, you should respect your FMIL, but they also need to respect you. It goes both ways. After a while, I think FMIL caught on and now I just say what I honestly think in respect to what she has to say and that is the end of it. It's not rude, but if someone wants to give their opinion, why shouldn't you???

Remember, it is your wedding so in the end it gets done with your vision, not someone else's.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

I'd ask her to hold her toungue as tightly as she is holding her cash.



ETA: At least she isn't Lanny's mother!

Message edited 2/15/2004 3:45:02 PM.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

no cash given, no opinion allowed

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

im so glad mine lives in florida that was such a score lol. but tell her that you are doing it the way you have always dreamed

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Thanks, it's nice to know I'm not alone..lol

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Just say, "thank you so much for your help. I've got a pretty good handle on things now but it's good to know I have your help if I need it."

Then move to another continent after the wedding. (I didn't say a different state or different part of the country - I said a different continent)

My FMIl is 10,000 miles away. She never talks to me any more.
Life is good.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

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Posted by ThongLori

no cash given, no opinion allowed

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Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

I just smile, "say oh thats an idea," and then do what I want.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Mine know now they can't say 1 word.
They went to see the Sans Souci the other day without us (b/c they know I won't go w/ them) and all the mom said was that it was pretty...which is fine with me - the worst part is that you will be related to them for the rest of their lives and you love their son.

I told my FH that I would come to family obligations & dinners but I don't want to go for lunch with her or go shopping w/her - he was upset but they did it to themselves...

You have to be strong!
Thank her for advice & ideas and just don't take them!
Mine are basically coming as invited guests who are paying for their own guests!!

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

It's hard for me to say anything sometimes, she's not only pushy but very sensitive, and pouts when she doesnt get her way, putting my FH in the middle.

But I think we made some progress this weekend.. my FH and his mother had a loongggg talk which almost ruined our V-day plans but she finally seems to get it, and called me last night to apologize for her most recent behavior, so maybe things will get better now

Thanks girls for all your advice and letting me vent, I've learned alot in the last few days just reading everyone's ideas and plans
Thanks again!

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

My Valentine's Day was ruined by FMIL because FI and I talked about her the entire day!

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

Here is the best advice. "Don't burn Bridges" I know it is very dificult to deal with new people. But if you get in a fight over one stupid thing planning the wedding the FMIL will never let you forget it. It is especially hard when your parents are paying for the wedding, and constanly asking why the inlaws aren't paying and how much they aren't paying, then in the middle of that you have you poor FH who says ok i'll pay for everything that your parents don't wanna pay for. I have included my FMIL in as much as I can in planning the wedding therefore she doesn't feel not included, and there will be no surprises. My desisions will ultimatly preveil becasue it's my wedding i don't really care, all opinions and ideas will be excepted graciously but still I make the final desisions. Keep in mind girls It's YOUR DAY and your FH, not your family's day.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

I've held my opinion regarding FMIL because my situation is different.

FH's mother (who I was not close with but had no problems at all with) passed away six months after we got engaged.

You can't like everyone or get along with everyone, but just keep in mind, this woman gave birth to the man you love. And someday, you may be someone's FMIL.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

I cant deal with my FMIL. She drives me insane I just smile and say yup and do what I want to do.

Re: What to do about a difficult future mother in law?

I'm employing 2 tactics

1) listening politely and smiling, then doing what I want anyway

and

2) We just got engaged and we have a long way to go before the wedding, she started getting pushy and we both politely but firmly laid down the law, because we don't want it to be a problem for the next 2 1/2 years untilw get married, and if she's pushy about thw wedding, so she will be about child-rearing and everything else. So we politely said, we don't mind her imput. We're glad she wants to be involved, but we refuse to have to argue with her over our decisions. The decisions are ours, it's our wedding, and we're not in the business of trying to make anyone happy.