FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

OK _ Background first - FMIL and I are not really close - we speak politely, can carry a conversation, but there is no connection. FI is not very close with her either, although he tries really hard to be - she's very cold. His father passed away 8 years ago, and FI misses him greatly, and feels his father would have been great to me. His mother has been completely uninvolved with the wedding, except when it came to inviting 'friends' (whom FI never met before) to wedding related functions (engagement party, shower, wedding, all thrown by my parents). She's been rather troublesome ...since my parents are paying for it..it's been VERY unpleasant for both my mom and myself, and FI has tried to confront her on this but she seems oblivious to the effect she has on her son, her FDIL, and my parents, let alone family friends.

Fast forward to rehearsal dinner - she offered to pay for it, which was more than I expected and was grateful for..but she left it to us to plan... and put down the deposit..we keep telling her when the rehearsal is and she keeps asking over and over again.. very frustrating..anyway, a few weeks ago I asked her if she had thought about sending out invitations,as people in the bridal party and family were asking for information. She told me she thought it was 'a given' that there was a rehearsal and a rehearsal dinner, and no need to send out invitations. When I responded that she needs a head count, and people often need a written reminder, need specifics and directions, blah, blah, she said 'Well, my family doesn't need invites but if you want to send it to your family, go ahead.' ***?? But after I pointed out she needed a head count to give to the rehearsal dinner site (plus it would look a little weird that FI & I are throwing the rehearsal dinner she's paying for), she agreed and I gave her a guest list (for BP and my family) with addresses. Now, she did ask if my parents, and my brother and sister (who are in the wedding party) needed an invitation, as they would know about it from me, and I said yes, I'm sure they'd appreciate a written reminder, plus they'd love an invitation so they could respond. Well, guess what? She sent them to the BP (Thank God!!), but not to me & FI(I'm OK with that), or my brother and sister, or my parents. No call from her, nothing. I know it's not a huge deal, and yes, they know the particulars, but I felt an invitation of some kind was warranted for the RD..and that my parents, who are sponsoring the wedding, and are helping out so much with the planning aspects of the wedding..they at least deserve the respect of an invitation..as do the rest of my family..I feel like it was passive aggressive..that she said she'd send the invites but only to people she felt needed them, and that my family didn't rate an invite..I don't know, it's silly, but I really feel it's disrespectful to my family - I mean they're invited, but they don't get an invite. AARRGGGHH am I crazy to be angry??? HELP!!!

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

I am sorry you are having problems. I have no advice but

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

You are not crazy at all for being angry. But it is clear that this woman either does not know social ettiquette, or is just really informal. There are some peopel who live by evites and word of mouth.

Come to think of it- I never got an invite to my sister's rehersal dinner. I didn't even notice until today (she got married last June). I don't even know if they were sent out to everyone else. I guess she just figures that the immediate family will be there no matter what.

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

I've never heard of an invitations to a rehearsal dinner. Isn't it supposed to be after the rehearsal, so anyone in the wedding party will be there already?

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

I have never received a written invitation to a rehearsal dinner and have been in 11 bridal parties in the past 8 years - all of which have had lovely rehearsal dinners!!

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

Your lucky your FMIL offered to help pay for the RD... My FIL'S haven't offered anything at all-they don't even ask about the wedding. COme to Think of it... They didn't even come to the engagment party that my family threw for us bc they wanted nothing to do with it.

if it really bothers you-I would make up my own invites and send it to your family-kinda to make up for her disrespect of the matter.

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

I understand your frustration and I wish I had something other than a couple of these to give you.

Hang in there.

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

My best friend has similair issues with her FMIL. In fact a couple of weeks ago was her shower and her FMIL left half way through. This not being the first time that she has pulled something like this. I am sorry that this is happening to you during this special time so please hang in and remember this is about you and him and your love.

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

I don't think it matters that much, to be honest. I think you need to step back and look at the larger picture. This is probably jsut a difference in the way that she does things and the way that your people do things. I don't think it indicates any lack of respect, it just probably seems silly to her. Don't worry about it and move on - there are much worse problems you could be having with your FMIL. But to give you an example, my family sits teenagers with their parents - his family sits them with other teenagers. We're just doing both.

Re: FMIL Issues - Sorry - really long

I would be annoyed because you made it clear to her that you wanted your family to receive an invite and I don't really understand why she didn't just send them. However, she probably didn't mean any disrepect by not sending them, she just has her own way of doing things. If I let my FIL's plan our RD my FMIL, who I love, would wind up inviting all of her brothers and sisters, when I just want it to be bridal party and parents. Some poeple are just very stuck in their ways and whether you like it or not, those ways aren't very likely to change.