Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

Ok..I really need advice, opinions ..please..

Background is I met FH at a party his brother and FSIL threw...I eventually moved into an apt. they had in their house, then FH moved in...we all got along fairly well..I love his brother, FSIL is kinda evil on occasion, and we were glad to get away from her...

We moved out 2 yrs ago and since then she has never once come over to see us ( they live about 15 blocks away) or bring FH's 2 nieces and nephew over.

When we got engaged FBIL was very happy, she seemed so-so about it...She is very weird where one minute she is your best friend, and the next she acts like she couldnt be bothered..

There's a long history but fast forward to the wedding...

FH's brother is his best man...FH wanted his two nieces and nephew to be fg's and the RB...I asked FSIL....it took her 6 months to be able to say yes...

I felt very bad that everyone in the family was in the bridal party but her, yet couldn;t put myself up to asking her to be a BM because shes so hot and cold and sometimes seems to do things on PURPOSE to upset people...

Now FMIL says that she has been saying how left out she feels and that her whole family is a part of this but her...and I dont know what to do....FMIL suggested having her do a reading, and thats great for us, but does anyoen think I should ask her to be a BM?

One of my BM's dropped out a few weeks ago and I asked FH's aunt to replace her and now I think when FSIL finds out shes going to be more upset...I'm so confused over this...

Any advice?

Sorry so long

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

JMO.... i think a reading would be very nice
if you ask her to be a BM you might regret it in the end... especially if she is hot and cold!
BM are your closest friends and family so don't feel bad

doing a readiing is special

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

i would have her do a reading

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I think asking her to be a reader is a great idea-and you are using her kids, that is an inclusion of her family. if you get a weird vibe from her, and are not sure she would make a good BM (which it sounds like she won't) then don't ask!

My FSIL, who is in her early 40's, and who's daughter is my FG, was hurt she was not asked to be a bridesmaid. My sisters are 17 and 26, and I just didn't see FSIL as a 'bridesmaid'. I knew she was hurt, so one day when we were talking about the wedding, I told her we really wanted to keep our wedding party small, which was difficult because there are 'so many wonderful women in my life-like you' and then I told her I 'needed' her to help me with shopping and decorating stuff, because of her 'great taste.' She beamed, and is totally over it.

With this wedding thing, you need to tell little white lies sometimes, and definitly include flattery. Tell her you have been waiting to ask her to be a reader from the moment you were engaged because you think she would just be 'perfect' for that.

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I would not ask her to be a BM. I would ask her to do a reading and also ask her to do other things. Not things to help you per se because I have a hunch she'd not do them or do them wrong but things like going with you to get hair/makeup trial, going to dress fittings, etc. Also ask her opinion on things (even if you have already decided) - make her feel more involved without actually doing anything that may hinder the wedding planning.

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I have a similar FSIL. She's FH's Brother's wife, and FH can't stand her. I felt bad too, but there as no way I was having her as a BM.

I was going to ask her to do a reading but FH said no way.

So, we are going to ask her to be in charge of programs and petal cones and the vendor tips/payments. She's so damn bossy, it should be perfect for her.

Don't include her just for the sake of inclusion. Surround yourself with people you love and who love you.

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I think a reading is nice as well.. Can she walk down the aisle with her husband and then wear a similar color that the bridesmaids are wearing? That way she 'appears' more involved.. but, you don't really need to count on her for anything..

Sometimes you need to put things in perspective- while it is just one day, the riff that can be caused with FH's family can last a long time. Sometimes it is just easier to be the bigger person.

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I agree with everyone else...have her do the reading only...You know she will only be a pain and you do not need the added stress!

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I would def make her part someway, after all she is going to be family and down the road you dont want any resentment. If you have to choke it up and have her as BM for the family sake do it, if you dont feel you have to then have her do a reading. Leaving her out may make your future a nightmare. Maybe she hasnt visited or seems hot and cold because she can tell you guys arent close. Have you tried to become close to her? Maybe she's getting the vibe that you dont want her around and now she prob thinks it even more evident. Sugar goes along way.

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

Donna,

Trust me on this, you do not someone that is indifferent to your wedding to be a bridesmaid. Definitely if you want to include her then ask her to be a reader. She won't want to embarrass herself infront of everyone by screwing up.

Re: Advice needed-FSIL (kinda long, sorry)

I agree. I DO NOT think you should have her as a BM since you would obviously be doing it to please other people and not yourself. I didn't ask FBIL's fiance to be in my BP because she is not my friend and I didn't feel she deserved that special honor. In retrospect I know that I made the right decision, she didn't even come to my bridal shower.