Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

how to bring up the topic of $$ with my mom when she is here for the e-party!!

Okay, my parents are divorced and remarried. My dad said he can only afford to give us about $1K for the wedding (And he feels SOO bad he can't give more--he's very traditional and wishes he could pay for the whole thing).

And I want to ask my mom how much she can contribute, but not sure how to bring it up. My mom will be here for the e-party (Apr 23) and I want to talk about it, but I am SO bad at talking about $$. Some people suggested a 'beating around the bush' tactic, like saying 'You know this wedding is costing us a lot...' She won't budge on that, she'll suggest cutting back (trust me, I have cut where I can!). When she and my step-dad where here in Dec, I took them to the hall, they loved it, and pointed out Pedestals across the street and said 'Do you believe thay want $2500 for flowers!?!?' (ps I am not paying that much). They both kind of had this 'oh, okay' look on their faces and said (got the same reply when talking about photographers) 'well, we aren't familiar with the pricing of things (wedding wise or in NY--they live in Illinois).

So (sorry to rable) I need a good and direct tactic to ask about their contribution. Thanks for any and all advice!!!

-Jill

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

What if you ask them to borrow money? Are they the type of people that wouldn;t ask for it back?

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

It isn't polite to ask people (even parents) if they are going to pay for things. There is no rule saying that they must and/or should pay for your wedding.

I would tell her that based on your budget you can afford for her to invite XX number of guests. Tell her that if she wants more guests, or more albums/pictures/dvds etc then you'll need her to contribute.

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

If I were you I would maybe hint a little before the party about how much things are costing, then wait to see what they give you at your engagement party, they may give you a nice chunk for the wedding. If they don't give you a chunk, I would phrase it more as borrowing and see if they will just let it go in the end!! Good Luck!!

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

It sounds like they aren't planning on contributing at all. Personally, I would never be able to ask for my parents for money and didn't, nor did they offer. I would just come right out and ask, 'If you are planning on contributing to the wedding costs, can you give me an idea of who much since we are trying to finalize our budget?' She what she says.

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

Hey Jill,
Since you have a hard time bringing up the money talk (and who can blame you?) I would just come out and say it...tell mom 'Sebastian and I are paying for the majority of the expenses ourselves, and we're OK with that, but I was wondering if you were planning on contributing anything, no matter how small, since every little bit helps'. See how that works out. I asked my mom flat out because I also can't talk about money, but she kept saying how she wanted to help...my answer was none, which is what I expected, but I still wanted to ask so that I won't have false hope or any resentment. I know where she stands and that's cool with me!

Good luck and breathe...you'll be fine!

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

We are paying it all ourselves and wouldn't have dreamed of asking. We are having the wedding we want and can afford. I think it is unfair to ask anyone to contribute. If they want to help, they will offer IMO.

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

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Posted by eric'sbride
If they want to help, they will offer IMO.

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Agreed. If they haven't or don't offer it's their choice. It's your wedding not theirs -- they definitely don't owe you a contribution. However, you do have the power to say how many guests can attend, etc so you can control your costs that way and they really cannot say anything ...
Sorry you are going through this but as an adult I would never ask anyone for help. It was my choice to get married and my choice to pick the right venue, right date, the right amount of guests, etc for what I could afford ...

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

Thank you all for your input. I guess I did not phrase things that well. I anticipate asking to borrow more than 'Hi, pay for this, or else!'

I have ALOT of pride, which is why it's so hard to ask for money. I had applied to become a CT State Trooper, while putting myself thru college in Michigan (while living on my own), and ended up not getting the job b/c I had too much pride to ask my parents for $ to fly to CT for the interview. Also, while in the MYPD Police Academy I had to shell out over $700 in the first 2 weeks, which we had not been paid yet and I didn't have the $, it hurt SO bad asking to borrow the $.

My dad offered us the money, we did not ask.

I am not expecting my mom and step dad to contribute, I just wanted a way to bring it up w/o totally beating around the bush.

Again, thank you for the comments.

We'll just have to wait and see how it goes.

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

i think it's fine to ask if they can help any. You are her daughter and even if she does not offer, it is okay to say, mom, i think I might need some help with this wedding. Do you think it's possible to help me out any. If you can, it would very helpful and I could give it back to you after the wedding. If she says no, okay... thank you anyway mom, i'll do my best, i love you! If she says yes how much, tell her honestly. you need x amount to help out but really, anything is soooo helpful. It is not a hand out. She is your mother. If you can go to her for your problems, her thoughts, her opinions, you can go to her for money help. It's not saying your a bad daughter or a less achieved daughter. The worse thing that can happen is she says she can't.
Keep within your budget always. It is more work to find quality at a smaller price but a bigger problem if you add to your debt for a wedding. (credit cards)
I like the saying, less is more anyway! Simplify your wedding.

Re: Need Advice on...(sorry, a little long)

IMO, don't beat around the bush. she's your mom, just ask her.

I would say something like... 'you know I wouldn't ask unless I needed it, but FH and I would like to know if you can help us financially with the wedding'.

Good luck!