What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

So one of my BM's told me about a month ago that she was prego. This was a surprise to all of us. (Her boyfriend is very controlling and creates alot of drama - doesn't want her hanging out with friends, etc. and she got very wrapped up with him for a while and didn't speak to anyone) Anyway, when she told me, I didn't judge her, just decided that she's pregnant and it's my job as her friend to be excited for her and support her. So a few days later, I asked her what she wanted to do about the wedding... (stay in or back down) she'll be 8 months pregnant for the big day. She said, 'Oh no, I want to be in it. I will make it my job to do it' I told her you may not notice it now, but I'm sure in 8 months, you're going to be very uncomfortable and very stressed and to make sure she thought she could handle it. Well I haven't heard too much from her. Only text messages and emails... I told her when she first told me, that I wanted her to know that if she wanted to step down, I would COMPLETELY understand and never think twice about it. I told her it can be expensive to be in a wedding and I'd understand if it was too much for her... Plus the stress and physical burdon. (heels all day, pics, etc.) she insisted that she stay in. Well anyway, I called her on Sunday to tell her that I wanted to visit her in Queens and to call me back asap, so I could plan my day if she was/wasn't available. She never called. (she tends to be selfish like this sometimes) So I emailed her and asked her if she was okay and whether she was goign to our other friends engagement party (which she never RSVP'd too). She writes back and says that she hasn't responded to the party because she doesn't know if she can go because she can't really afford the gift. (In my heart I think she wrote this to me, to let me know that she's struggling and kind of hope that I open up the 'backing down' thing again)

So the moral of the story is - how can she afford to be in a wedding if she can't afford an engagemetn gift for our other friend. I gave her a ton of chances to back out, but she wants to stay in. I emailed her again yesterday that if it's too much for her to be in it, to tell me and I wouldn't care. I even have another girl that I would put in her place and would buy the dress off of her. She hasn't written back and I think I know why... she plays this stupid game all the time, when she's afraid of confrontation,. she just ignores the problem. Truth is, there woudl be NO confrontation. I would totally understand. I even told her that if she decided to take a step back,I would make it my duty that everyone there knows that she's someone very special in my life... by doing a reading or something else that didn't put soo much pressure on her.

I don't know what to do. I'm sick of these games that she plays... not calling, etc. It was like pulling teeth with her to get her to buy the dress in the first place. (And this was even before she was pregnant) I don't want to deal with these stupid games. She's not too into the wedding anyway... I understand she's prego, but this was even before she was pregnant. What would you do?

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

I would call her and say 'After thinking about it I think it would be best if you weren't in the wedding party. I think it will be best for you and the baby.' Leave it at that. This way if she never calls back...oh well you got your point out.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

hmmm. What i would do is leave it alone. You told her that she can back out if she wants to, so if she does even if its last minute, you'll understand. You dont want to make her feel like you dont want her to be a part of it b/c she is pregnant. DId you guys get dresses yet? If so, she'll need a maternity dress, maybe you can suggest going dress shopping with her and mybe that will resurface things. Maybe doing something like that will put it into perspective that she has to make a decision and hopefully stick with it. But you dont want to be to repetitve when telling her she can back out. Maybe she doesnt have money for the engagement party gift b/c she is saving xtra money to be in your wedding???
Good Luck.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

That’s a tough situation.

The next time she brings up money problems I would remind her of her option to back out. If it gets worse, you should be honest with her and ask her to step down.

Good luck, this can’t be easy!

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

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Posted by SUNSHINE24

hmmm. What i would do is leave it alone. You told her that she can back out if she wants to, so if she does even if its last minute, you'll understand. You dont want to make her feel like you dont want her to be a part of it b/c she is pregnant. DId you guys get dresses yet? If so, she'll need a maternity dress, maybe you can suggest going dress shopping with her and mybe that will resurface things. Maybe doing something like that will put it into perspective that she has to make a decision and hopefully stick with it. But you dont want to be to repetitve when telling her she can back out. Maybe she doesnt have money for the engagement party gift b/c she is saving xtra money to be in your wedding???
Good Luck.

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Yes, we did order the dress already. Before she was pregnant. SHe now has to order panels to sew into the dress, which are over $100 a piece, from what I hear...

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

i have the opposite situation.
I have a BM..who also NEVER calls back....and it was also pulling teeth to get her to get the dress....she finally went and put a deposit down, but i havent seen her since last JUNE and i had to PAY for her dress (long story) and i have it in my closet!!
My prob is.how much can you take IN a dress?? she was a 14,,,,my back up girls( who opened up suggestion themselves as back u girls) are a 4!!!!

im jut leaving it....to see what she does...cause i tii have offered her not to be in it if it was a prob..and she too says she does..and cried poverty.. VIA EMAIL.

so im just waiting to see what happens...id give some time if i were you too.. at least someone else is willing to buy it off her

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

I would probably let her know that it is best that she is not in the wedding. Because it is obvious she is having money issue's and it is only going to get worse as the wedding gets closer. More and more expenses for her I mean. I would let her know like you said that she will be recognized at the wedding as important part of your life.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.

I would call her up and be honest with her. Let her know that you would love to have her in the wedding but with her current situation you feel it would be best for all involved if she were not in the wedding party. Tell her you know that her finances are not what they were before she got pregnant and you wouldn't want to she her struggle. Maybe you can give her another job at the wedding.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

Okay, so here's the latest... she still hasn't returned my email from Tuesday, my phone call on Saturday (She was having a sonogram) and on Sunday, we were supposed to hang out, and she never called. I called her and she hasnt' returned my phone call. My friends engagement party is this Sat. and she still hasn't RSVP'd either. I am soooooooooo friggen fed up with her BS.... I want to kick her out so bad. She's giving me sooo much stress!!! I have nightmares about her, etc. FH says that I shouldn't ask her to step down. ( I said if I don't hear from her by this weekend...) What do I do??? It's my wedding day,and if she's too preoccupied, I totally understand, but I want someone there that wants to be there, and I have the perfect person! But I can't ask her until I know what she's doing. HELP!!!!

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

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Posted by KimberlyBride

I would call her and say 'After thinking about it I think it would be best if you weren't in the wedding party. I think it will be best for you and the baby.' Leave it at that. This way if she never calls back...oh well you got your point out.

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I would do the above. How much of dress deposit did she leave? Can you find someone else? She really can't commit to BM duties for various reasons... 1. her irresponsibility/selfishness (which you mention), 2. financial, 3. at 8 months she could deliver. She probably doesn't see all of this but you can.

I'd replace her. You make mention that she's been a bit selfish even before the pregnancy. You don't need the added stress. Tell her she's been relieved of her duties.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

She left a $100 deposit on the dress. Yes, I have a backup, actually two! I even told her, if you don't want to do this, I will have someone send you the money for the dress so you can even get that back!

Yes, she is so selfish! One time about a year ago,when she first met this idiot my MOH and I called her for over 2 months straight and she didn't return our phone calls. We were leaving messageslike, 'Please call us back... we're really worried, if you don't call us back tonight - we're calling your parents to make sure everything's okay' Do you know, she never called us? We had to call her parents. They were furious with her and going through the same thing as us since her BF wouldn't let her talk to anyone... (Wonder if that's what's gonig on now)

UGH!!! I want her OUT!!!!

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

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Posted by DayBeforeThanksgiving

Okay, so here's the latest... she still hasn't returned my email from Tuesday, my phone call on Saturday (She was having a sonogram) and on Sunday, we were supposed to hang out, and she never called. I called her and she hasnt' returned my phone call. My friends engagement party is this Sat. and she still hasn't RSVP'd either. I am soooooooooo friggen fed up with her BS.... I want to kick her out so bad. She's giving me sooo much stress!!! I have nightmares about her, etc. FH says that I shouldn't ask her to step down. ( I said if I don't hear from her by this weekend...) What do I do??? It's my wedding day,and if she's too preoccupied, I totally understand, but I want someone there that wants to be there, and I have the perfect person! But I can't ask her until I know what she's doing. HELP!!!!

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Did you ever think maybe it's her pregnancy that is making her at like this? I know its no excuse but when I was pregnant with my daughter I went through all sorts of changes. I was so scared of becoming a mom and I was a different person at first. My mind was completely on the baby. Maybe try giving her a call again and tell her you love her but you think it's best if she concentrates on her baby and not to have the added stress of being in a wedding. Just be nice because some pregos are very sensitive!

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

Haha, I'm always nice! No, I don't think this is just because she's pregnant. SHe's done this SOOOOOO many times in the past. She's just very very irresponsible. I shouldn't have asked her in the first place because I knew that's how she was, but because I love her so much, I thought she would not do this for the wedding.... I guess I was wrong. As far as calling her, if she EVER answers her phone, I'm going to tell her that I think she should concentrate more on the baby and not worry about the wedding. (Eventhough, she's definately not worried - she could care less)

I must sound like a total b--ch... but I am just so upset and hurt.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

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Posted by DayBeforeThanksgiving

Haha, I'm always nice! No, I don't think this is just because she's pregnant. SHe's done this SOOOOOO many times in the past. She's just very very irresponsible. I shouldn't have asked her in the first place because I knew that's how she was, but because I love her so much, I thought she would not do this for the wedding.... I guess I was wrong. As far as calling her, if she EVER answers her phone, I'm going to tell her that I think she should concentrate more on the baby and not worry about the wedding. (Eventhough, she's definately not worried - she could care less)

I must sound like a total b--ch... but I am just so upset and hurt.

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aww that's unfair! I'm sure you would go out of your way for her and her baby too. I'm sorry

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

Im sorry that you have to go through this....it seems like there is always one BM who causes unnecessary drama.
Since she is not returning your calls or e-mails...I would simply leave her a message that you are going to ask another friend to take her place, because you understand how much a baby and all the things that a baby will need are going to cost. Tell her that you would still like her to do a reading, because she is extra special to you...but you dont want your wedding to put stress on your friendship...on her and her baby.

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

Try talking to her one more time. I would at least do it over the phone or in person. Not email or text message. Explain to her your concerns (I think they are legitimate) and that you have someone who would be more than happy to step in for her. Also, I wouldn't just cut her out of the wedding. Maybe instead of being a BM she can do a reading, that way she doesn't feel left out.

Good Luck!!!

Re: What would you do in this situation? LONG - but need advice.UPDATED on bottom

I completely agree... I've also included that in the email to her. (I have resorted to email because she doesn't answer her phone)I told her if she backed out, I had someone that would buy the dress off of her, and that i wuld like her to do a reading if she choosed to step back, this way she can still be a very special part of the day, but it won't cost her a dime. I can't give her anymore options than I already have.