Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!!

My future mother in law is a very unhappy miserable person. She's in a marriage, only b/c they can't afford a divorce. It seems when my fiance' and I started dating she was nice to me, then when we moved in together she started to say mean things occasionally...now that we had a baby together and I am obviously a permanent fixture in his life she is downright mean to me. I come from a very loving family, whereas his family tend to call each other stupid all the time and insult each other, thinking it's funny. When his mother says nasty things to me, I stick up for myself and don't take it b/c I don't believe she has a right to speak to me like that. When I talk to my fiance about it, he says he knows it's not right but it's how she is. I understand that, but she still can't talk to me the way she does, I didn't grow up like that. When she doesn't get things her way or I defend myself when she says something nasty she tells me I'm being disrespectful. I was raised to ALWAYS respect my elders and it is his mother so I went into the relationship respecting her, but as she continues to talk down to me, and deeply hurt me , I find it hard to respect her. She actually sat him down to talk to him without me about the way I treat her and he said he loved me and nothing would change that...I really try to be nice but when she's mean to me ALL the time I can't always bite my tongue. I tried to tell her how I was feeling and try to find a way to discuss it and she came back at me very nasty. It's her way or no way apparently. She's the only reason why I'm hesitant to go ahead with wedding plans. I love my fiance sooo much but I don't know if I can handle being treated the way she treats me for the rest of my life. My fiance says he defends me to her and I believe him but I just can't figure out how to get her to not talk mean to me. I know some brides have way worse problems but I just really need some help here because I have tried everything.

Re: Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!!

I am so sorry that you have to deal with that....There is no reason for her to treat you that way. Other than being honest with her and giving it time I dont know what else to do....But one thing my mother always told me is that 'you get more bees with honey' and I think if you are going to stick it out and go through with this marriage that you may want to try being nice no matter what she does....maybe it will rub off on her.

Re: Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!!

FM

Re: Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!!

I think you should talk to your FI again about how much this upsets you... even if you dont go ahead with the wedding, this woman will always be in your life, since she is your baby's grandmother right?? Is it possible that you and FI can distance yourself from her?? I think that is what I would do... you obviously tried to discuss it with her like an adult... and it didnt work... maybe she just likes being miserable and wants everyone around her to be that way too...

Re: Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!!

I don't know if I can help or not but here it goes....your FMIL is my mother! My mom is nasty, puts people down, is rude and inappropriate. She doesn't feel she's doing anything wrong so there is never an apology forthcoming. She on several occassions made inappropriate hurtful things to FH and most of the times he would take the abuse. Of course I stick up for him. He started trying to stick up for himself but quickly learned that it only escalated things. Now we have both agreed that if my mother starts in and we are in my parent's home, we will find an excuse to leave immediately and if they are in our home we will let her know that it is OUR home and her behavior is unacceptable and until she recognizes that what she did was wrong and apologizes or agrees to seek some psychiatric help, she is no longer welcome in our house. I seriously believe that mom needs medication. Keeping this in mind please don't put off wedding plans because your FH's mom is crazy. I think I would be beside myself if FH left me because of my mother. Like me your FH didn't pick his parent. What is important is that he sticks up for you and puts you first before her. If you want to vent please feel free to FM

Re: Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!!

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Posted by halfpintny

Now we have both agreed that if my mother starts in and we are in my parent's home, we will find an excuse to leave immediately and if they are in our home we will let her know that it is OUR home and her behavior is unacceptable... Keeping this in mind please don't put off wedding plans because your FH's mom is crazy...What is important is that he sticks up for you and puts you first before her.

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I agree with this ..and you should continue to stand up for yourself, but in a way that cannot be misconstrued as being disrespectful in any way, which will only fuel her fire more. Don't ever go down to her level, because she can use that agaianst you. Hold your head up high and keep communication open with FH....what's key here is that he stands up for you.

Re: Future Mother-In-Law advice desperately needed!! - Sorry its long

I can only try to help, because my MOH is wonderful, but one of my parents sounds just like your FMIL. So, here's advice from the other side, for what it is worth. I feel terrible that inappropriate comments and mean-spirited 'teasing' seem to be the norm in my family sometimes, and I feel worse when my DH gets the brunt of it. I am sure your FH feels much the same. My DH, however, handles it in a way that alleviates my guilt AND reminds me all the time why he is the best man in the world (IMHO ). He simply ignores it. He doesn't call my attention to it, because he knows I know its wrong, and when something is said that is mean or nasty to him, he just doesn't respond. Sometimes its obvious, sometimes it's not, but either way, he gives no fuel to the fire, and eventually, the teasing stops because there's no response. When the 'teasing' is directed at me, and then he is asked to agree, he stands up for me in a nice, funny way and says he loves me just as i am, but never agrees that I am (fill in whatever nasty adjective you want). Then, he changes the subject. Maybe you can try that - rise above it and ignore her. People who put others down do so because they suffer from low self-esteem, I think, and responding to her gives her ammunition to just keep going (and having those immature, inappropriate discussions with your FH/her son about you. Really, come on. She couldn't say it to you like a grown-up?) Maybe when you FMIL learns you will not come down to her level and respond to her nonsense, she'll give up and find someone else to torture. It is not right what she does, and I know (really, I do) how hard it is not to loudly defend yourself against that bitterness and meanness. But in the end, as my DH explained to me, you're not going to change her mind, just like I won't change my family's mind, and so, you have to ask, is responding is worth it? I know this is long, but I hope it helps. It is working (thus far) for DH, and maybe it will work for you. Good luck.