Want to elope - a little long sorry!

I am a wedding newbie...well I have been planning my wedding for a year, but I just started posting on this site...so hi, my name is Shannon. So, my Dad calls me yesterday (at work) to yell at me (again) and tell me how much I have hurt him by asking my step father to accompany my dad and I down the aisle, and how much it kills him that I would even consider putting his (stepdads) name on the invitations along with my mother. He tells me that because he left me when I was two, now I walk around like he owes me something and that maybe after the wedding and after he and my step dad walk me down the aisle, he can stop doing all the things he does for me out of guilt. So, FH and I are trying to decide if we should just take a hand full of people and go to VT where you can get married in a day, or should I suck it up and wait until October and still walk down the aisle with my Dad and dance with him. I am so confused right now. We have been planning this wedding for more than a year and all the places are booked (with Dads money) so I dont want to just give all that up, but on the other hand I am so angry right now that I cant even imagine walking down the aisle next to him and not punching him. A little friendly advice would be great.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

how long has he been your stepdad? are you guys close? i dont think its right that your dad is doing this to you! this stepdad is part of your family now and he has to except that. can you talk to him about how you feel? this is your day. i dont know if im going out of what is right but, he has to come to realization that he cant come back into your life as if nothing ever happened and expect that your stepdad is just as important to you as he his. i would want to punch him as well. again i hope i didnt say anything wrong its just my opinion!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

I don't know that I have an 'answer' for you. I think ultimately this is one you and your fh are going to have to decide. What I did want to add, though, was that I am SO SORRY that your dad is being so UNBELIEVABLY SELFISH AND IMMATURE!!!! I hope he recognizes that he's shooting himself in the foot by being so ridiculous and hurtful and it will not get him what he wants (although I'm not even sure what that is...). Anyway, I'm so sorry that you are having to go through this. My parents are both divorced and remarried for over 20 years. I'm very lucky that they've all been great during planning, but when things every get hairy, I just remember that it was THEIR choices that led to breakups and remarriages, not mine and I shouldn't have to deal with the consequences of their actions..... Sending support and hugs...

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

First let me say how sorry I am that he is putting you through this. And I hope you don’t take offense, but he is WAY out of line! He abandoned you at 2 yrs oold. You owe him nothing!

I would go ahead with my dream wedding. I wouldn’t elope just because of him.

Good luck to you!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

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Posted by nylibride

I don't know that I have an 'answer' for you. I think ultimately this is one you and your fh are going to have to decide. What I did want to add, though, was that I am SO SORRY that your dad is being so UNBELIEVABLY SELFISH AND IMMATURE!!!! ..... Sending support and hugs...

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Ditto. Honestly, if I were you I would ask myself if I really want the wedding I had planned here on LI. If you do, then you should not let your father's bitterness push you into eloping if that is not what you desire. If the LIW does not mean much to you, then you should consider the elopement - although I don't think that will stop your father's negativity and bitterness.
I think he is being petty and should not be making you feel guilty for wanting to include your stepfather in YOUR day. It is your day and you can include who you want, walk with who you want and dance with who you want. Good luck

Also - if he is being that rude, I would cut out the father/daughter dance. No need to torture yourself!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

Well my Dad left when I was two, and when I was eleven my mom met my stepdad. He has been in my life for the last 16 years and we are incredibly close. My Dad came back when I graduated high school. He had tried to contact me over the years but he was obviously a stranger to me. I went to visit him a couple of times but I hated it and always left early. My step dad bought my my first car, paid for my plane ticket to fly to Chicago when my best friend died, has been there for the last 15 birthdays, Christmases, etc. My Dad thinks that I have done this to hurt his feelings, and I was extrememly hurt when he said this. I told him 'first of all I am sorry that you think that is the kind of person that I am, and secondly, do you think that on my wedding day I would be trying to extract some revenge on you? No...I am going to try to enjoy my day'. FH is really pissed and has basically said that he just wants me to be happy and he doesnt care what we do, as long as we are married. My Mom is so mad though because she hates to see me upset. We had a fight when we started planning this a year ago, but I got my strength to talk it over with him and yell and I thought that we had resolved everything. This literally came out of left field yesterday and I was sitting at work crying. I just dont know what to do. I have so much other stuff on my plate right now this was the last thing I needed. Sorry I am writing so much, I am just really stressed out right now.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

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Posted by mikeshannon

Well my Dad left when I was two, and when I was eleven my mom met my stepdad. He has been in my life for the last 16 years and we are incredibly close. My Dad came back when I graduated high school. He had tried to contact me over the years but he was obviously a stranger to me. I went to visit him a couple of times but I hated it and always left early. My step dad bought my my first car, paid for my plane ticket to fly to Chicago when my best friend died, has been there for the last 15 birthdays, Christmases, etc. My Dad thinks that I have done this to hurt his feelings, and I was extrememly hurt when he said this. I told him 'first of all I am sorry that you think that is the kind of person that I am, and secondly, do you think that on my wedding day I would be trying to extract some revenge on you? No...I am going to try to enjoy my day'. FH is really pissed and has basically said that he just wants me to be happy and he doesnt care what we do, as long as we are married. My Mom is so mad though because she hates to see me upset. We had a fight when we started planning this a year ago, but I got my strength to talk it over with him and yell and I thought that we had resolved everything. This literally came out of left field yesterday and I was sitting at work crying. I just dont know what to do. I have so much other stuff on my plate right now this was the last thing I needed. Sorry I am writing so much, I am just really stressed out right now.

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Shannon, I really think you need to put your foot down with your dad. he has no right to do this to you!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

Aww..you guys are so nice.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

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Posted by mikeshannon

Aww..you guys are so nice.

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good luck to you!!

and remember - YOUR DAY, YOUR WAY!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

You definitely need to know what you feel is right for your fh and you. I'm sorry to say, but your dad hasn't been enough for you to have a saying in what you do with your life.
I'm sorry and I hope you can reach the decision that suits you best.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

Thanks you guys. It's just hard because I dont want to hurt anyone, but at the same time it seems that even when I try to please everyone, I please no one. It has been this way since the get go. FH has been amazing through all of this. Even though he is a jerk, he is still my dad. It just seems as though he is blaming me for him walking out and my mom meeting a great guy you know? How is that even remotely ok? But I dont even know where to begin talking to him and what to say. Plus I really want to wear my pink wedding dress. I think even if we eloped I would wear it.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

Have your wedding! It will be the beginning of your life as a couple. Don't let family force you to elope. Your dad will have to accept your choices as a woman - you are not a little girl. He can accept or you can punch him (verbally, of course). Family are the ones you love with your heart, not just because they are biologically connected.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

I don't think you owe your dad anything either - once he left, get gave up.
But everyone makes mistakes right - what he is doing now is wrong though, and you should do what you want - its your wedding. you should talk to him and tell him how this is making you feel.




though - I always wanted to get married in VT also - just note, I think they jack up the prices there because they can - check around first.

Oh - and if you want a pink dress, wear it on LI too.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

I have to say that I think your 'dad' is being immature and selfish. But, on the other hand, if he is paying for the wedding, he does have a right to voice his opinion on this issue. I don't know if any other of the parents are helping but if they aren't, then your dad is really hosting your wedding. I would sit with your stepdad and tell him what is going on. Perhaps you can honor him in another way.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

I can a immagine what a touph situation you are in.

Honestly, I think you should just have your real dad walk you down the isle alone. Since he is paying for the wedding the honor should be his. How come your step dad isn't paying for some of it? Just for that reason I would say give the honor to your father. .. JMO

but regardless,

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

My stepdad is paying for some stuff, but when we got engaged, by father offered to pay for most of the wedding no questions asked..or so I thought. My parents (my mom and stepdad) also have no money at all, I make more than them, and they have offered to pay for a lot. My Dad makes a ton of money (none of which I ever saw in child support mind you) But I had no problem taking his opinions into consideration, but the fact of the matter is, my step dad has just as much of a right if not more, to co-walk me down the aisle. Just because he isnt biological doesnt mean he's not my dad too. And he has done so much for me in my life, I cant even begin to explain. My Dad sees things monitarily and wants the world to know that he is paying for the wedding. I joke with my family that he probably wants 'paid for by CDR' stamped on everything including the toilet paper. His main concern is that people know where the money for this wedding came from, and I honestly think that if we eloped he would be more upset because he wouldnt be able to pay for it, not because we changed all of our plans.

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

Oh, I'm so sorry. I wish there was a great answer I could give. only you and your FH know whether or not you would be happy ten years from now with eloping or whether you want to have a wedding itself. I am so sorry your Dad is being like this, I just can't even believe how selfish he is sounding. All I can do is send you tons of

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

I don't mean to sound disrespectful but this is my take on the situation...

From what your father has said, it sounds to me like he's trying to rid himself of the guilt HE HAS. By saying you walk around like he owes you something because he walked out on you when you were two, he's RIGHT!!! He does owe you something!! So he should suck it up. He should be thankful that you're even having him walk you down the isle at all.

The fact that he's putting money toward this wedding is very nice, but he shouldn't use it as leverage!! He should be giving you that money because he's your father and he loves you. Not for recognition or a pat on the back or for that matter to hold against you!!

I think your birth father is being a real jerk about the situation and if he had any consideration for your feelings he wouldn't be doing what he's doing. Just typing this is getting me mad! I'm really sorry you are even in this situation. This is supposed to be one of the happiest time of your life and your dad is not allowing that to be the case. Hang in there and follow your gut instinct, you know what the right thing to do is. Don't let your dad guilt you in to doing something you don't think is right.

Good luck and keep us posted. Sending hugs!!!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

Thanks so much you guys, I really appreciate it. Honestly, the only thing that would bother me about eloping would be that some people have planned things like a Jack and Jill and a Bachelor party for FH and I dont want to ruin those things. I would have no problem getting married in the back yard with 20 of my closest friends and relatives, I just dont want to dissapoint anyone who has already made plans for us. So, my only problem would be figuring that out. But other than that, I would have absolutely no problem eloping or having an incredibly small wedding in my yard. But I just called the dress place to see if the last half of my dress has been paid for, (which dear old Dad offered to buy) and she said nope you still owe 600 bucks on it...which we cannot afford to pay. So, that means the dress of my dreams which I have already ordered, has come in, I have gone to try it on...will no longer be my dress. STRESS!!!!!!!

Re: Want to elope - a little long sorry!

You know what? I'm went through the same thing! My stepdad has been a part of my life since i was born. My dad wasn't really around, but we got closer as i got older. I asked both of them to walk me down, but my dad got so upset, and even said he wouldn't come to the wedding. My stepdad was so understanding and told me to have my dad walk me down, and he would perform the ceremony(he is a Bishop). As far as the invites i decided not to include any parent's names. Maybe your stepdad could perform another important role in the ceremony. Maybe your mom , or an older brother can walk you down, and have your dads escort their wives down the aisle. Good luck.