Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

Ok so the FH and I have been talking and we're thinking about canceling our church and just getting married at the reception hall...We were going to get married at his church but that would mean I would have to go on a neverending (and probably expensive) search for my baptism and communion certificates..not to mention all the money we're spending on pre-cana and then all the fees to use the church..do you think its a good idea...we understand our marriage won't be recognized by the church but that really doesn't bother us...we're just worried about his parents and our grandparents will say. Both of our grandparents are uber religious, and we think his parents might be disappointed about us not having it in a church although they've always left the decisions up to us since its our day. My parents probably won't care either way...plus if we cancel the church than we could cancel the limos and use that money towards booking the ceremony room at the hall and paying for an officiant...

so now that i've been totally long winded..what do you ladies think?

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

i think that you have some very good points, although your family members may get upset, if it is not important to you to have it in a church then it is totally your decision, if you would feel more comfortable having it at the hall then do that! do what makes you 2 happy, its your wedding and your future...i am personally having it at the church b/c i would like it to be recognized by them, but i agree with what you say about the money so do what you guys would like to make you happy!!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

Do what makes you happy..its your day...So if family members don't like it...they'll move on..DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO!!!

I am personally doing it at a church because I envision walking down a long aisle and taking pics on the steps.....if you are not married to the idea of having it in a church...I say go for it!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

I agree girl. Talk it over and see what suits YOU TWO the best .
And stop second guessing yourself! Youve been doing that alot lately!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

I think it's a bit more complicated than 'it's your day, do what you want!' While I think you two definitely have to decide what will make you happy, this day, especially the ceremony, is really also for the people who love you. I think it comes down to your priorities - for me, while I know I can't make everybody happy all the time, it's really important to me to have the people I care about not be all pissy and offended at my wedding. If you feel that some people might have this reaction to you not getting married in a church, that's something to think about.

Of course, if you really don't mind if people have that reaction, and you really feel that they should just suck it up and deal (and that's a fine attitude to have, it's just not my own personal approach) then I'd say go with the hall. But I guess maybe you just need to ask yourself what it is that truly makes you happy: having things exactly the way you want them, or knowing that the people you love are happy too. Neither is 'wrong,' it's all a matter of your own priorities.

but before you get yourself worked up about it, make sure that it really would be an issue for the family members in question - for example, I was surprised at how much of a non-issue it was for the family members we discussed it with to have a non-religious officiant. You might be getting worked up over nothing.

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

okay, i am going to be long winded too---but hopefully i will answer some of your questions. and this is coming from a catholic who can probably count the number of times she's missed Mass in her life on one... getting married in the Church is really important to me, so my opinion may be a little to lopsided.... so you can keep that in mind!

I guess deciding on whether or not to get married in the Church all depends on how important being married in the Church is to you and your fiance. but in some ways, i think it's also how important it is to other people in the family. It seems like it sounds pretty important to your finance's family and the grandparents, so it might be worth considering... it would probably make them so happy. many people view marriage as a true sacrament and love to witness that for their son or daughter in the eyes of the church. Also, if your parents or his are paying for the wedding, or substantially helping, it might be appropriate to get married where they would like, particularly if you're not completely oppossed to it. And maybe a few years down the line, if you decide to raise your children catholic, you may regret NOT having your marriage recognized by the Church, particualrly when it comes to getting them baptized and all that other jazz.

ALso, you can have a catholic ceremony instead of Mass.... the ceremony would be much shorter obviously... I am doing the Mass because I've always wanted that, but just the ceremony with no communion is still recognized by the Church.

Also, obtaining your baptismal certificate is much easier than you think. All you have to do is call the rectory of the church you were baptized and tell them you need a copy of it (i was told it needs to be the original or a newly printed one embossed with the seal of the church) because you are getting married (even if it would be at a different church). they deal with that all the time and will mail it to you. i have never heard of it costing anything. (it shouldn't....) The Church keeps very accurate records, so even if you haven't been to that church since the day you were baptized, they will have your certificate on file. Also, I don't think the communion certificate is necessary... my fiance and I were told it wasn't necessary.

Regarding PreCana... there are cheaper ways around it...often the weekends away that the Diocese sponsors are about $350-400 for the weekend... that's a lot of money. if you do it through your parish (you would go one weeknight about 5 times, the cost should be minimal.) For that option, my parish only asks 50.00 to cover the cost of materials, etc. that's 50.00 for all 5 weeks. Also, I am excited about pre-cana actually... from what I've heard, if you have a good leader, it can be a very bonding, and spiritual experience to share together. the donation to the church to have the wedding there can be a lot depending on the church (my parish it's $450.00) in addition to counting as your donation to the church, it will cover the church musicians (i.e. organist and cantor) who will play your Mass or ceremony). although i never even considered NOT getting married in the church, i think if i was debating it, i would rather my money go to them for their work with the community, the parish school, etc. than in the pocket of some already rich catering hall.

good luck to you.... it's an important decision, but you will end up doing what is right for you and your family let me know if you have any other questions i can help you with!!!! good luck!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

thanks everyone for the feedback! his parents are coming home from florida tonight and then tomorrow we're going to sit and talk with his parents and see what they say...i'll keep you all updated once we've talked to everyone..thanks again!!!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

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Posted by donegal419

okay, i am going to be long winded too---but hopefully i will answer some of your questions. and this is coming from a catholic who can probably count the number of times she's missed Mass in her life on one... getting married in the Church is really important to me, so my opinion may be a little to lopsided.... so you can keep that in mind!

I guess deciding on whether or not to get married in the Church all depends on how important being married in the Church is to you and your fiance. but in some ways, i think it's also how important it is to other people in the family. It seems like it sounds pretty important to your finance's family and the grandparents, so it might be worth considering... it would probably make them so happy. many people view marriage as a true sacrament and love to witness that for their son or daughter in the eyes of the church. Also, if your parents or his are paying for the wedding, or substantially helping, it might be appropriate to get married where they would like, particularly if you're not completely oppossed to it. And maybe a few years down the line, if you decide to raise your children catholic, you may regret NOT having your marriage recognized by the Church, particualrly when it comes to getting them baptized and all that other jazz.

ALso, you can have a catholic ceremony instead of Mass.... the ceremony would be much shorter obviously... I am doing the Mass because I've always wanted that, but just the ceremony with no communion is still recognized by the Church.

Also, obtaining your baptismal certificate is much easier than you think. All you have to do is call the rectory of the church you were baptized and tell them you need a copy of it (i was told it needs to be the original or a newly printed one embossed with the seal of the church) because you are getting married (even if it would be at a different church). they deal with that all the time and will mail it to you. i have never heard of it costing anything. (it shouldn't....) The Church keeps very accurate records, so even if you haven't been to that church since the day you were baptized, they will have your certificate on file. Also, I don't think the communion certificate is necessary... my fiance and I were told it wasn't necessary.

Regarding PreCana... there are cheaper ways around it...often the weekends away that the Diocese sponsors are about $350-400 for the weekend... that's a lot of money. if you do it through your parish (you would go one weeknight about 5 times, the cost should be minimal.) For that option, my parish only asks 50.00 to cover the cost of materials, etc. that's 50.00 for all 5 weeks. Also, I am excited about pre-cana actually... from what I've heard, if you have a good leader, it can be a very bonding, and spiritual experience to share together. the donation to the church to have the wedding there can be a lot depending on the church (my parish it's $450.00) in addition to counting as your donation to the church, it will cover the church musicians (i.e. organist and cantor) who will play your Mass or ceremony). although i never even considered NOT getting married in the church, i think if i was debating it, i would rather my money go to them for their work with the community, the parish school, etc. than in the pocket of some already rich catering hall.

good luck to you.... it's an important decision, but you will end up doing what is right for you and your family let me know if you have any other questions i can help you with!!!! good luck!

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we are/were going to do the ceremony...i couldn't sit there and do the whole mass...the church we'd get married at doesn't do pre-cana there so we have to do it through the diocese so its more expensive..plus i and my mother, don't know/remember where i was baptised..so that creates a problem..

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

i can't really offer too much help since in my case i was actually the one who most wanted the church ceremony.

All i can say is do what makes you most happy and most comfortable. some people might be upset along the way, but in the long run you and your FH have to be happy with the decision you made since it is your life together.

good luck talking with his parents

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

we had a similar but smaller issue.. my grandmother and mother wanted us to have a mass but because of time restrictions we had to cut it out. my mom was not thrilled but hey we need time for pictures. i'd say talk with everyone, if compromises can be made then make them.. as my grandmother told me its your wedding do as you please!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

I know what you are going through
In order for my FH and I to get married in a catholic church I would have to go through a communion and conformation, which when I looked into it, it would take up to year which I would have done if he or his family wanted it but we all decided it wasn't that big a deal, still I wanted to get married in a church so we are looking into Lutheran churches because they will marry you if you are outside their religion and parish
I think your decision should be based on what you want, your cons seem very good and I think you should go for the reception hall

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

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Posted by donegal419

okay, i am going to be long winded too---but hopefully i will answer some of your questions. and this is coming from a catholic who can probably count the number of times she's missed Mass in her life on one... getting married in the Church is really important to me, so my opinion may be a little to lopsided.... so you can keep that in mind!

I guess deciding on whether or not to get married in the Church all depends on how important being married in the Church is to you and your fiance. but in some ways, i think it's also how important it is to other people in the family. It seems like it sounds pretty important to your finance's family and the grandparents, so it might be worth considering... it would probably make them so happy. many people view marriage as a true sacrament and love to witness that for their son or daughter in the eyes of the church. Also, if your parents or his are paying for the wedding, or substantially helping, it might be appropriate to get married where they would like, particularly if you're not completely oppossed to it. And maybe a few years down the line, if you decide to raise your children catholic, you may regret NOT having your marriage recognized by the Church, particualrly when it comes to getting them baptized and all that other jazz.

ALso, you can have a catholic ceremony instead of Mass.... the ceremony would be much shorter obviously... I am doing the Mass because I've always wanted that, but just the ceremony with no communion is still recognized by the Church.

Also, obtaining your baptismal certificate is much easier than you think. All you have to do is call the rectory of the church you were baptized and tell them you need a copy of it (i was told it needs to be the original or a newly printed one embossed with the seal of the church) because you are getting married (even if it would be at a different church). they deal with that all the time and will mail it to you. i have never heard of it costing anything. (it shouldn't....) The Church keeps very accurate records, so even if you haven't been to that church since the day you were baptized, they will have your certificate on file. Also, I don't think the communion certificate is necessary... my fiance and I were told it wasn't necessary.

Regarding PreCana... there are cheaper ways around it...often the weekends away that the Diocese sponsors are about $350-400 for the weekend... that's a lot of money. if you do it through your parish (you would go one weeknight about 5 times, the cost should be minimal.) For that option, my parish only asks 50.00 to cover the cost of materials, etc. that's 50.00 for all 5 weeks. Also, I am excited about pre-cana actually... from what I've heard, if you have a good leader, it can be a very bonding, and spiritual experience to share together. the donation to the church to have the wedding there can be a lot depending on the church (my parish it's $450.00) in addition to counting as your donation to the church, it will cover the church musicians (i.e. organist and cantor) who will play your Mass or ceremony). although i never even considered NOT getting married in the church, i think if i was debating it, i would rather my money go to them for their work with the community, the parish school, etc. than in the pocket of some already rich catering hall.

good luck to you.... it's an important decision, but you will end up doing what is right for you and your family let me know if you have any other questions i can help you with!!!! good luck!

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I just wanted it to be clear that a child CAN be baptized in the catholic church without the parents getting married there.

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

Kami- FH has a beautiful ceremony set up and it's not a lot of money. You can use retired Catholic priests if you want.

Choose what's right for you.

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

Kam
You should really do what makes you happy, ask your grandparents if they will be upset. Did you get Baptised and Christened at the same church because then they should have the recoreds there...

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

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Posted by giapet99

Kam
You should really do what makes you happy, ask your grandparents if they will be upset. Did you get Baptised and Christened at the same church because then they should have the recoreds there...

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no they were different churches
i dunno where i was baptised and my mother doesn't remember either and she's not sure if she still has the certificate or not..so i dunno what to do

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

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Posted by wematched

I just wanted it to be clear that a child CAN be baptized in the catholic church without the parents getting married there.

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Yes/.... you are right. However, I think you need to be married by the Church (anywhere) to then have your children baptized by the Church (anywhere) ....although I could be wrong about that, so someone could definitely correct me on that if I am!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

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Posted by kam0813



no they were different churches
i dunno where i was baptised and my mother doesn't remember either and she's not sure if she still has the certificate or not..so i dunno what to do

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Kam,

Ask your mom if you were baptized in the town you were living in when you were an infant.... if you were, it should be pretty easy to find.

Here are some websites that might help. All diocesan websites should list all the parishes under their jurisdiction.

www.drvc.org (Diocese of Rockville Centre is all the parishes in Nassau AND Suffolk)

www.dioceseofbrooklyn.org (Diocese of Brooklyn is all the parishes in Brooklyn and Queens)

www.ny-archdiocse.org (Diocese of New York is all the parishes in Manhattan and Bronx and I think parts of Westchester).

This might help!

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

For above, they should tell you where each church is located.... i.e. town, address, etc. you could probably do some sort of search or even call the diocesan office if you can't find it.

Re: Ladies I Need Your Advice!!

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Posted by donegal419

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Posted by wematched

I just wanted it to be clear that a child CAN be baptized in the catholic church without the parents getting married there.

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Yes/.... you are right. However, I think you need to be married by the Church (anywhere) to then have your children baptized by the Church (anywhere) ....although I could be wrong about that, so someone could definitely correct me on that if I am!

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You don't need to be married by someone of the church, or even married for that matter