scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

This weekend we went to my cousins wedding (his second marriage, his wife's first) which was in Washington DC. They rented out an amazing museum...i will post pics in a few. Now here's the story...he married a girl who is from Afghanistan (no this is not the issue) but it is definitely two cultures coming together (we are Italian). Now his parents are both diseased and his brothers and their children attended the wedding plus me, Dh, my parents and a few other cousins. I have a huge family but there were a multitude of reasons many of them couldnt go. For some of them it is because they do not approve because my cousin is completely changing his religion. Now my parents and my immediate family believe if he's happy, that's all that matters. There were over 300 people at the wedding with half being American. There was NOTHING American at the wedding. Not the music and there was nothing food wise at all that was American. Even the alcohol was really weird. In her family's culture they do not drink. They had one basic bottle of each alcohol and when it ran out it ran out that was it. Now the issue: many American guests were insulted at the wedding (i wasnt one of them) but even the groom's brother and his family stormed out because they were in disbelief that the groom did not think of accommodating any of his American guests. Like i said the servers could not tell us what they were serving because they did not work with the catering company, there wasnt even a piece of bread on the table. If you are or were in this situation or if you have been to an event of two cultures merging, i want to get some information meaning did you accommodate your guests?

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

I'm wondering if some of it had to do with the fact that the wedding was out of state. In NY, the open bar is common. In other states, a cash bar is common or the hosts have to provide the liquor.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

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Posted by rmsgirl

I'm wondering if some of it had to do with the fact that the wedding was out of state. In NY, the open bar is common. In other states, a cash bar is common or the hosts have to provide the liquor.

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Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

I think its only common courtesy to accomodate both cultural sides. I can speak from experiance as half of my wedding was American and half was Russian/Jewish. I had to take this into account when booking things because I was inviting very different people to my wedding, and naturally ,i wanted people at my wedding to enjoy themsleves and feel welcomed. I had American and Russian music at my wedding, had vodka and cognac on the tables(thats russian style) but also had open bars, and I also had Russian and American food. So yes I could understand why his brother for instance would get upset.

Message edited 8/25/2008 6:26:51 PM.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

No her family doesnt drink at all and told my cousin (grooms brother) that it is inappropriate for him to be drinking alcohol. The main issue is that my cousin didnt feel the need to accomodate 150/300 guests...he didnt do it maliciously but i think he just overlooked what would have been a bit better for us.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

I think its common courtesy to accomodate your guests.

When picking out our choices for CH I was very careful of what I picked, making sure that if nothing else there was at least ONE thing everyone would eat. We went thru the list and picked things things from all over for this reason

I am a picky eater, so most of the time I do NOT eat at CH b/c I dont eat most of what is given.

I understand that it is her culture and traditions but you have to be somewhat accomodating.......no one is saying full bar with shots....but at least make sure those that would like to drink can.

Strange, I dont think I would have stormed out but I wouldnt ahve been happy that I wasnt accomodated

Message edited 8/25/2008 6:27:23 PM.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

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Posted by PegaLega

I think its common courtesy to accomodate your guests.

When picking out our choices for CH I was very careful of what I picked, making sure that if nothing else there was at least ONE thing everyone would eat. We went thru the list and picked things things from all over for this reason

I am a picky eater, so most of the time I do NOT eat at CH b/c I dont eat most of what is given.

I understand that it is her culture and traditions but you have to be somewhat accomodating.......no one is saying full bar with shots....but at least make sure those that would like to drink can.

Strange, I dont think I would have stormed out but I wouldnt ahve been happy that I wasnt accomodated

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Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

sounds like a case of the groom not being very involved with the planning, like so many grooms and never even considered the idea of making sure the wedding was accomodating to all his guests and maybe he just either a) assumed the bride was doing it and never asked. or b)just went with whatever she wanted.

i definitely think if he knew that guests were coming from OOT and trying to be there to support his union...make sure that they had food that everyone could enjoy should have been an option.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

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Posted by MJDoc12

sounds like a case of the groom not being very involved with the planning, like so many grooms and never even considered the idea of making sure the wedding was accomodating to all his guests and maybe he just either a) assumed the bride was doing it and never asked. or b)just went with whatever she wanted.

i definitely think if he knew that guests were coming from OOT and trying to be there to support his union...make sure that they had food that everyone could enjoy should have been an option.

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Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

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Posted by DrWho

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Posted by MJDoc12

sounds like a case of the groom not being very involved with the planning, like so many grooms and never even considered the idea of making sure the wedding was accomodating to all his guests and maybe he just either a) assumed the bride was doing it and never asked. or b)just went with whatever she wanted.

i definitely think if he knew that guests were coming from OOT and trying to be there to support his union...make sure that they had food that everyone could enjoy should have been an option.

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I'd agree, call this being inconsiderate, or, at the very least, thoughtless. That would be the one thing you're NOT supposed to be when you have a guest, whether it be at your wedding, your house, a business meeting, whatever.

The only theory I can imagine in his defense is that he thought it would be fun for everyone to enjoy Afghani culture for the evening, and therefore specifically didn't include anything Americanized. That's not thoughtless per se, it's just a bad read of your target audience.

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Message edited 8/27/2008 12:43:34 PM.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

I think they should've accomodated all guests and done a mix of cultures. If it were me I would want to do a mix to represent both of our cultures and show both of our sides not just mine or just his. It is the joining of a union so why not join both cultures. Seems like maybe it was her family involved with the plans and the bride wanted to do just her culture. Personally, i couldn't do that. I would want to represent my husband at the wedding too, you are marrying this person for who they are and their culture is part of that so by not representing that at all at the wedding shows that maybe you feel your side is important only, but who knows maybe they had other reasons.

Dh and i both come from different cultures, there isn't a big difference the way it was in your cousins wedding but I still wanted to represent both. Even on our invitations i wrote something like, joining of hearts, and cultures, i forgot exactly lol. I made sure to play some songs from both of our cultures. Overall it was mostly american i would say as far as alot of traditions and the food, well that was italian but thats the food they serve at the RH, i did request a few things. Most of the music was american too. But i found ways to throw both our cultures in there too.

Message edited 8/27/2008 1:03:01 PM.

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

08 crashing- thanks for posting this- my fh is puerto rican & I am italian- and while thats not such a drastic difference, when I read your post, I realized that I havent made a real effort to integrate his culture into the wedding.

if you feel comfortable maybe you can post this on 08- I think other girls would find your story helpful!

Re: scenario/question of the day...i want your opinions!! sorry its long

Its their wedding, so they did it how they wanted- I would be a guest and would have to respect that. Its not my wedding.

That being said, if I was marrying into a different culture, I would expect us to equally incorporate traditions from both families. I would never have married anyone who would only marry me if I changed religions. I think part of a good relationship is learning about eachothers family traditions and beliefs. If they can't accept it then they should move on. Thats just my opinion and beliefs. But if he really wanted to not have anything pertaining to his traditions involved, then that is his choice and guests should respect that.

ETA: When I planned my wedding, I took into consideration the americans, portuguese, and brazilian aspects. I think most brides want everyone to be happy and feel included. I know I did! But at the same time, you can't always expect it and have to respect their style of event.

Message edited 8/27/2008 1:25:18 PM.