NEWLYWED LIFE THE 1ST 12 MONTHS....ARTICLE

Newlywed life

The first 12 months



He’s the same guy; you’re the same girl. So why would things seem so different when you’re wearing a wedding ring? The fact is that no matter how committed you felt before, the promise of a plan or a pledge to be together forever will bring changes -- for better or worse. And speaking of worse, here are the most common sources of newlywed friction and how to deal.

Call us mom and dad
'Not long after we were married,' says Jennifer,' Andy’s parents said, ‘Call us Mom and Dad.’ I was very touched by that, until they started to nag me about little things like finishing my degree instead of working full time. I was like, ‘I guess this is really like being someone else’s daughter!’' Not surprisingly, the good old in-laws are a common sore spot for newlyweds.

In her book on dealing with in-laws, Six in the Bed (Perigee 1997), Nancy Wasserman Cocola stresses the 'Royal We' of marriage. While you may not have joined a royal family when you married, you have created a new sort of 'we,' in which you and your spouse have pledged allegiance to each other over all other familial allegiances. The key to the Royal We is communication -- you need to agree on a plan when conflicts arise and execute it as a united front.

Set behavior boundaries at the beginning of your marriage so that both sets of in-laws are clear about your time and privacy limits. Are weekly dinners too much for you? Should they call before they visit? Politely let them know how you feel. They’ll probably be glad to know when -- and how -- they’re welcome in your new home.

If it’s your first holiday season as newlyweds, negotiating where you’ll spend your holiday -- and even which festivity you’ll highlight -- might make you feel like ripping down the mistletoe. This first holiday season, don’t set anything in stone, advises Julianne Serovich, associate professor and program director of the Ohio State University Marriage and Family Therapy Program. You could spend Thanksgiving with one family and Hanukkah with the other, or parts of Christmas day with each family. If this year’s plans don’t work, be willing to try a new routine next year.

Finally, don’t forget that some of that new-family stuff is a bonus: You get the family cookie recipes, the birthday cards, and the chance to hold the newest born niece or nephew. 'It’s funny that before the wedding, I would never hang out with my husband’s family without him,' comments Sarah. 'Now I will go to lunch with his mom or have dinner at my in-laws when Tim is away.'

The right fight
Some couples -- lucky couples -- often report that after the wedding, they fight even better. 'We are just not such big babies anymore,' reports Michelle. 'Because we are ‘stuck’ with each other, not every little annoyance is worth an argument, and neither one of us wants to get into one of those battles that just doesn’t end.'

Suddenly, everything you do matters so much more, say newlywed couples. You don’t pick stupid fights because you are grumpy. And when fights do erupt, no matter how much red you are seeing, you try to find some tiny plot of common ground that you both can stand on.

But be prepared for some big adjustments that may cause resentments to stew. What each of you expects married life to be can certainly be different. Compromise, a bit of going with the flow, is in order; so is learning to take a moment before you speak when you’re seeing red. Hurtful words are generally not soon forgotten, and they can damage your relationship. Write out the mean feelings in your journal, or learn to give each other time and space when emotions are running high. Arguments should be aimed at reaching compromise or problem solving and not at venting your pent-up fury.

Keeping it clean
'Before we were married, we lived together,' reports Sandy, 'and Paul did his share of the housework, mostly without any discussion of it between us. After we tied the knot, I noticed that suddenly he sort of assumed it was all me now. The wife does the cleaning, he thought, I guess.'

Sandy and Paul’s situation is pretty common. Single guys (and girls) learn to clean up after themselves so that they are not living in squalor. But when a new person -- a wife! -- is suddenly around, even the most seemingly evolved guys can unconsciously equate 'wife' with 'person who does the housework.' Before one person ends up furious about the nasty bathroom or sink of dishes, the chores need to be assigned. Maybe he works Saturdays, and so he does less of the big cleaning jobs but more of the day-to-day stuff. Or maybe you both spend a couple hours together each week in a cleaning frenzy. Don’t forget to work out issues like laundry. Does one person do it all, or are you each responsible for your own?

Of course, this is not your grad-school apartment where you lived with four housemates and a list of chores taped to the fridge. Be prepared to help out each other from time to time. Be fair, be flexible, and know when to, ahem, throw in the towel. 'We finally realized that since we both hate to clean and since we are both so busy, we had to hire a cleaning service to come in once a week,' says Vanessa. 'Yes it’s expensive, but skipping a few dinners out each month is worth not having to bicker about mopping.'

Money, honey
If you have always thought of your financial life as your own personal domain, be prepared to share the wealth -- or the debt. Investments you make, homes you choose, even decisions like which job each of you takes are decisions for both of you now. And negotiating how the money will be made and spent is, according to experts, the single biggest topic of newlywed arguments.

To avoid problems before they start, begin by coming clean. Pull out your bank and credit card statements, checkbooks, information on all your assets and debts, any benefit packages you may have from an employer -- basically, everything and anything related to your current and future cash flow. A critical but oft overlooked factor is your credit rating. Each of you should order your personal credit report and compare notes.

Now it’s time for the fun part: sharing your dreams for the future. Do you fantasize about traveling the world, building a home, buying a car, having babies? No matter how little your stash, it’s important to decide together how it should be spent or invested. And don’t forget that goals cover serious issues, too, such as contributing toward a parent’s health care. Knowing that you share similar goals gives you incentive to make the sacrifices necessary to reach them. (Perhaps deciding on fewer CDs and DVDs or sweaters.)

Devise a realistic and specific plan that takes your state of affairs and goals into account. Three options: Keep separate bank accounts and split up the bills; marry your funds in joint accounts; or open a joint household account for bills but maintain separate accounts for personal spending. The last method allows each of you to retain some spending freedom and still cover your shared monthly expenses but isn’t thrifty if your bank charges you a hefty fee to maintain each account. Last but not least, decide who is responsible for paying the bills, consolidating statements, keeping tabs on your savings, and so on.

Sound tedious? Maybe, but this process often brings couples closer. 'When Jeff and I sat down to figure out how we could pay for me to get my master’s degree over the next few years, it was one of the most romantic things,' says Shari. 'It was the two of us making a plan for our lives -- and even for our kids someday.'

Sex & the newly wed
Ah, married life. Non-stop loving whenever you are in the mood -- and you’ll be in the mood all the time, right? Well, maybe...or maybe not. We talked with Miriam Arond, co-author with her husband, marriage therapist Dr. Samuel Pauker, of The First Year of Marriage (Warner 1988), about the ins and outs of the crucial first year.

According to Arond, couples have high expectations in terms of frequency and excitement. She also points out that there’s no relationship between frequency of sex before marriage and frequency of sex after marriage, because so many things change. 'For example,' she says, 'people don’t see their parents as sexual beings, and when they find themselves in the role of husband or wife, they see themselves differently. They may not feel that the husband or wife should be sexual.' She also points out that most newly wed couples are in a career-building stage of life. Couples get into a routine of working long hours and suddenly the relationship -- and sex -- move down the list of priorities. Says Arond, 'Balancing sexual frequency with work life is a major challenge for couples today.'

Arond’s advice: Couples have to make their sex lives a conscious priority. She says, 'You need at least one person in the marriage who’s taking a leadership role and making sure you go out and have time alone and time for intimacy. At least one spouse has to manage this. If both spouses are absorbed in getting ahead, intimacy can get lost. They think it will come back when they want it, but it may not and resentment can build.'

Post-wedding blues
You’ve operated at full tilt for months, consumed by your wedding and all the planning that went into it. Now all of a sudden, it’s over -- and its absence can actually leave a hole in your life. We spoke with psychologist Miquela Rivera about fending off the post-wedding blues.

First, she points out that the post-wedding blues are common after such a major transition. 'Even though we gain something positive, there is a loss,' she explains. 'Depression is part of the grief reaction.'

'Many people tend to romanticize married life. They don’t look beyond the wedding day,' explains Rivera. 'After all the excitement of the wedding, they find themselves in an everyday situation that isn’t very glamorous and they’re disappointed.' Rivera believes couples who live together before marriage sometimes experience further letdown. 'Some people think it’s going to be different after marriage,' she observes, 'and in most cases, it’s not.

'Be a little more realistic about marriage,' Rivera suggests. 'If you are more upfront with yourself about what married life will be like, you won’t be disappointed. Building a life takes time; it’s not going to happen overnight. Give yourself enough time to get used to the marriage. It’s also important to have a good support system. Talking with others about your feelings is good therapy: Organize a night out with friends and explain how you feel. Kimberly found support in her mom. 'She understands what I’m going through and that helps a lot,' she explains. Paula talked to her husband about her post-wedding sadness: 'He can see where I’m coming from, but he asks me to be patient and hang in there,' she says with a smile. Finally, there is compromise. 'Both people have to be willing to give of themselves in ways they wouldn’t normally,' cautions Rivera. 'You don’t do it for the person -- you do it to maintain the relationship. In this day and age, we get whatever we want instantly. Marriage isn’t instant -- it takes time to make it work.'

-- Lisa Carse