Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

Hi.

Is this even an option for some of you?

For the last year of my late grandfather's life he was in a nursing home. He suffered from Alzheimer's and Dementia. His condition worsened as time progressed.

He was in an out of the hospital. Finally the doctor's had a meeting with my Mom's and my aunts and told them, that he would need 24 hour care and we as a family would not be able to take care of him. So they suggested a nursing home. It was a painful decision but one that we made.

I guess my question is do you think putting your parents/grandparents in a nursing home is cruel to some degree? FH and I have talked about this over the years and he is totally against doing this.

IMO , it would not be my first option but it would depend on the situation for me. Don't hate me for saying this.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

I would never do this unless I couldn't take care of them myself or they needed 24 hour care.

Thats me, I would have them live with me as eldery as they will be though if they are capable to be alone for periods of time while I was out of the house.

I fel they took care of me, one day it's my turn.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

my parents have always made it clear that they want to be put in nursing homes if needed rather than have us take care of them - which is somewhat nice since we know what they want...i don't think its cruel at all either....our big thing is with fh's dad now....i can't see him ever being happy in a nursing home or wantign to go, luckily he doesn't have to still but perhaps one day - and that will be a hard time for all of us in decision making...

to you and if you need to talk, i am here

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

I would do it as a last resort.
Although' depending on the situation. In a situation like Alzheimers, it may be safer for them to be under constant supervion.

If they are just ederly, but more or less healthy, sometimes our elderly parents/grandparents like to feel independent and don't want to live w/you.
The Senior residents are an option that may be OK.
You could find some that are just like a neighborhood, with activities and all sorts of stuff. A friend's grandmother is in one of these, she has her own apt, but a full time nurse/doc always on duty in the building. It makes my friend secure, and her grandmother feel independent.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

My grandparents moved to FL about 8 years ago. About a year after they got there my grandfather had an accident because he ran a red light. he just didnt notice! My aunt put them in a nursing home there. My grandfather also has alzheimers (sp?) which is getting progressivly worse. I think my grandmother likes the home. She doesnt drive and being in the home she has her friends RIGHT NEXT DOOR, she takes an elevator to get her mail and have her meals. I know it was a tough choice but it is what is best for them.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

I would.

My grandmother had MS. Taking care of her KILLED my Grandfather literally. He has a stroke picking her up. He was not allowed to leave that house other than going to the store. She refused all outside care.

After his death we brought in round the clock care to try to keep her in her house. She lived in Florida and REFUSED to move back to NY. My uncle that lives there has a SEVERE heart condition so he couldn't take care of her. She went through about 1 million+ in the 3 years she was in the house.

We had no choice but to put her in the nursing home. For the last 7 years of her life she could move no more than her head. She was on a feeding tube. She couldn't even swallow her own spit. But she was alert to all. She knew everything that was going on. I felt bad when I would visit her but it truly was what was best for everyone.

It is a tough decision and a personal one. I feel for anyone who has to make it.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

When my father was sick, he had asked us to put in a home. My father was only 55 years old. He had cancer and had surgery and 1 day after the surgery, he suffered a massive stroke. He was paralyzed on his left side and it was a very slow recovery. After weeks of ICU and then out patient rehab, we found out the cancer had spread throughout and he was terminal. My dad did not want his kids to have to take care of him and see him die(his words). My brothers, sister and I decided that it was not an option to put him in a home. We had Hospice, which helped alot being that he needed shots and they had to check vitals 2 times a week. But I could never have imagined having my dad in a home other than his own. I think he was more comfortable there and so were we.
I think it's a very personal decision for someone to make. Having demensia or alzhiemers would definetely require 24 hour hands on care. I think you have to look at what is the best decision for the person. It is not easy to take care of a sick/elderly person.
My heart goes out to anyone who has to make that choice. But IMO there is never a right or wrong decision...it's what's in your heart.
Sorry for babbling...just hit home with me.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

It's a very difficult decision but I do not think it is cruel at all.

But it can also depend on the person. My grandmother is doing well and participates in the activities. My grandfather is anti-social and not chatty so he was miserable (but he really needed the 24 hr care).

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

we are currently battling this very issue. my grandmother (mom's mom) has advanced alzheimer's and dementia. my mom and my uncle tried as long as possible to keep grandma in her own home with a 24 hour nurse companion. problem was, grandma wanted no part of the nurse, smacking and pushing her at one point. none of us had a normal life, as not a day would go by without grandma needing something, or an aide quitting. my mom and uncle finally made the decision to put my grandmother into an assisted living especially designed for those with alzheimer's and/or dementia. it was the best possible decision for the entire family!! we know that 24/7 she is in the best possible care and is always safe (something she definitely was not at home!!). everyone has some degree of normalcy in their lives again!! i definitely do not think a nursing home/assisted living is cruel - sometimes it is the only option!!!

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

I did both volunteer and paid work in two nursing homes as a recreation leader for six years. In that time I saw enough mistreatment to make me promise my mother I would never put her in one. I would quit my job if I had to just to take care of her. This might sound extreme but I neglect I witnessed was very disturbing. There may be better facilities out there that are different but the two I worked in were terrible.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

JennP - I have heard of mistreatment as well. The one my grandfather was in was a great faciltiy.

Thanks for the opinions. Fh and I have been having so many discussions before the wedding.

We are not in this position, but we wanted to know what others thought.

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

its a very difficult question, and the only way to really know what i would do is if the situation actually arises.. I know i would not be able to take care of a parent for an extended period of time. I would see if they could afford an assisted living place(which is suppose to be nice).. or possibly get a 2 family home, and have a nurse for them.. But i am one that is freaked out by death, I could never keep them in my house, if one ever died in my house I woud probably sell it right away.. thats just me... i hope i dont sound cruel by this... but i have never dealt well with illness and death..

Re: Somewhat of a delicate question- parents/nursing home

if it got to the point that I couldn't take care of them...yes...

the decision to put my grandfather in a home has caused my aunt and my cousin (mother and son) not to talk for a year now...my cousin siad he would move in with my grandfather...but my aunt and dad siad that it was too much responsibility (gpa was falling)
the doctor even told them that they shouldn't have bitter last memories (my gpa was getting nasty)


my mother has already told us that she wants to be in a home, b/c my gma lived with us for 6 months a year - after she had her stroke...she was semi able though...but she cried everyday when she broke her hip and had to be in a home for 2 months...while I loved having my gma around...my mother felt the stress...