So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

I am sure you are all so tired of hearing my same story over and over but if i dont get it off my chest to someone, i literally think the hurt would just take me over..

As a lot of you know, my mom lost her fiance recently, the man who was basically a second father to me and my sister and brother. Well today was his b day...he would have only been 53...so young which makes it so much harder.

I watched my wedding video today for the first time in a long time and found myself only looking for him in it, trying to find him in the background, watching him with my mother...and suffice it to say, i cried hysterically the entire time. That was the last time we were together as a family and now to me, my wedding video only brings me pain.

While planning my wedding he was becoming more sick and more sick and of course my mom was there for him as well but i cant help but feel that a lot of time that would have been spent with him (they didnt live together) was spent trying to make my day perfect. And in the grand scheme of things, as i look back and look over everything that has happened since, I feel so guilty.

So now, my wedding memories bring me only pain and sadness and I dont know how not to feel this way. There were times he would ask my mother to go to a movie or something like that and my mom would say no cause she was with me shopping for dresses, planning my shower, etc. I feel so horrible because while this man was suffering and coming to the end of his life, there I was planning what was supposed to be the happiest day of mine. Now my happiest day brings me sadness and tears. I dont know what im asking here...maybe just to vent, but it felt a little better to get it out.

Maybe one day i cant look back and see all good, but the way i feel right now, i dont know when that day will come

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

First..please don't feel guilty! He loved you and I am sure it brought him happiness to see you happy on your wedding day. Please hang in there!

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

You see...thats what im not sure about...he loved us so much and my dad is such a big part of our lives still that it was such a hard day for him. He wanted to give me away, dance with me and things that a dad does but i couldnt give that to him because my real father is still so involved with my life. I had to watch my p's and q's also so no one got hurt and in the end I guess I hurt him...

Thanks for the kind words.

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

Im sure you didnt hurt him. dont feel so guilty. Why dont you write him a letter, so that you feel like you'd be getting your feelings out to him. REad the letter to your mom if you feel that would get things off your chest. and maybe fold up the letter and keep it in a safe place to give you peace of mind.

You are a strong girl, Im sure time will make you feel better and stronger

(I just responded on the other board too )

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

I think that you need to give yourself more time to heal. It sounds as if it is still an open wound, which Iknow for me, it would be. But you and your family did what was right for you at that moment, and if we were to live our lives thinking of all the times we were selfish, we would never feel good. Maybe do something in his honor. Something that is selfless and giving to someone else. I think most importantly, you need to talk about this. Talk about it until you just can't talk anymore. Repeat yourself as many times as you have to. And hopefully, if not definitely, you will be able to look back soon and look at your wedding video and say, thank god I have this tape to look at to see him whenever I feel I miss him most. Please don't feel guilty. You were living your life. You cannot feel bad for that.

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

Reading your post...I think that I would probably feel the same as you. But think about how he would feel....do you think he would really want you to feel sad about your wedding day? He loved you and helped raise you and im sure he was just as proud and happy on your wedding day as any real dad would be. unfortunately in life, we don't always have as much timne as we would like...look back on the course of your entire relationship and not just on the short time before his death.

I'm not sure if this helps at all...i don't really know what to say...I just feel really bad and wanted you to know that others were thinking of you

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

I am a believer in Things always happen for a reason and at a certain time.....
I feel there are people who are Angels and come in and out of our lives, and not know it at the time. Perhaps you can remember him with having brought happiness into you and your families lives. If he didn't have children of his own, at least he got to expierence knowing you, watching you grow up, finding the man who will bring you happiness for the rest of your life, and he consider you as his own daughter. Perhaps he would not have had the oppourtunity to expiernce all these feeling and emotions if not for knowing you? And perhaps even if it was his time to go, it happened around a happy event, not having his illness be the center of all the attention, which might have helped keep his mind distracted at times. But most important, you now know who your Guardian Angel is, and when you have children, you can be sure he will always be theirs. I hope this helps a tiny bit, and I hope I did not say anything to offend.

Message edited 5/25/2003 8:32:27 AM.

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

BUMP

Re: So sad, wedding brings back so many bad memories..long!

how are you doing today??