Vent and advice needed (long)

I've been having a serious problem with one of my BM's. I invited her knowing she's at a dificult point in her life (single mom raising her son on a secretary's salary). I knew she wouldn't be able to attend if I didn't pay for everything, so I've done so - my father is paying for her hotel the night before the wedding and offered to pay for the hotel the night of the wedding, though she declined. I bought her dress, shoes, etc., even a day at the spa the day before the wedding. She hasn't had to pay a damn thing.

Well, here's the problem: she's been so difficult. She's so depressed that she can't muster any strength to get into the wedding process. She never showed up to her fitting, and then lied to me and said that I had the wrong day (which I didn't, as confirmed by the dress shop). She told my father not to reserve a room for her on Sun. night because she doesn't want to take the day off from work the next day. She's not coming to my bachelorette party. And, today, she told me she just doesn't have the motivation to come to the rehearsal dinner. Mind you, I've given her several opportunities to back out, but every time I do, she slams me telling me I'm a horrible friend and how dare I think that she doesn't appreciate all that I'm doing for her. At this point, I've had it, but I know if I give her an out, she'll get all pissy again. But the fact is, since I paid for her dress, I'd prefer to just pick it up and give it to another one of my friend's who I've become very close to in recent months... how do I do this????

Re: Vent and advice needed (long)

The only thing I can suggest, is pointing out that you guys are good friends and that you would be honored for her to be a part of your wedding day. Adding how there wouldn't be any hurt feelings if she backed out and that maybe there is something else she could do to still be a part of the day. Like a reading, if that applies. But definitely point out that her lack of desire to be a part of this important day, right down to the bachelorette party she's missing and missing a fitting is putting a strain on your relationship. Point out how you feel... that doesn't make you a bad friend. You're hurt by her lack of interest and willingness to participate. You didn't twist her arm to be a BM, she could have said no when you asked initially. You may also want to confirm that you understand she is having a difficult time right now and know she appreciates everything, but that maybe it would be less stress for both of you now and on your future relationship.

I think the most important thing is to just let her know that there would not be any hurt feelings and that it is still important to you that she be at your wedding. Unfortunately, there isn't an easy way to approach this. I think it may be too harsh to say 'you're no longer a BM,' but there's nothing wrong with expressing your feelings. And maybe going over what you expect from her as a BM, laying that our first, and if she can't meet the expectations, then maybe she should consider backing out.

However, if she insists on being involved, then impress upon her that her dress needs to be done by a certain date, and don't worry about her invovlement in other activites, b/c it will be her loss. I'm sure you'll still have a blast with the other BM's. You've done more than your share to make her feel like a part of your day.

Re: Vent and advice needed (long)

I read this fast (at work and my boss likes to play 'sneak up' and check out my screen) but it kind of sounds like she doesn't want to be in the wedding anyway - like she's being passive aggressive. Maybe she would be relieved if you asked her not to be in it. I'm actually planning on doing that with my BM -

Re: Vent and advice needed (long)

This is one hard situation!! I would say not to make any changes in your bridal party..and to keep her in it, although I can see how annoying/frustrating this must be for you! I can understand her feeling down...or sad about situations in her current life though, and maybe she is just having a really tough phase...and maybe in the future, when she is herself again and happy, she'll be there for you. The only thing i had trouble understanding.....she has no motivation to attend the RD?? She is in the bridal party! Isn't it kind of a necessity? I would talk to her about her reasons why she isn't motivated...and if she shows complete disinterest and apathy regarding your big day then flat out ask her if she desires to be in it.

good luck!! I hope everything works out great and that she is just having a blah period in her life that will pass.. :)