Am I wrong to feel this way?

I am taking a deep breath as I write this as not to let my emotions get the better of me. My husband's dog died on Wednesday night, she was 10 and as he says 'his best friend in the whole world', which I can TOTALLY understand. The dog had a minor surgery last week and there were no complications. She was a bit lethargic which hubby attributed to surgery and age. Well Wednesday night I come home from work, she is a bit lethargic, I call the emergency vet, who says it could be from heat, I make sure she is cool and hydrated and make an appt for following day. Well you guessed it, she died and of course hubby is at work (fireman) I call him at 4am and he bolts home. Minute he gets thru the door he screams in my face'What did you do to my dog?' I let it go, thinking he is angry and hurt. So I proceed to try to comfort him, he pushes me away. Okay I say he is angry, so I in turn make the arrangements to have the dog be picked up and brought to the pet cemetary for cremation, I also arrange a little 'viewing' for him before the cremation. I find an e:mail from him to his ex girlfriend telling her about the dog, telling her he hopes this news doesn't upset her, thanking her for loving the dog and basically venting to her about the situation. Meanwhile I was the one that would drive 2 hours when we were dating to take care of her when he was working, and cleaned her up after she died so he wouldn't see her the way I did. Am I making too much of this, especially him turning to the ex.. Just so confused and feel like he blames me for the dog's death Thanks for letting me vent

Michelle

Hi Michelle - I read your post and the responses on the other board. I don't blame you at all for being upset and hurt. I am sure that it really is just him lashing out in grief. The e-mail to the ex was probably just another type of lashing out. I agree with the poster who felt that it was possible that he is upset he wasn't there when his beloved pet died. I say give him some time and a little space...but don't let it drag out too long. After a few days just talk to him about how he made you feel. I'm sure all will be fine.

Michelle

hi there- read your post and can def sympathize... with both YOU and with him. He may be reacting to the whole event...maybe he doesnt know how to react, if this is the first time someone close to him has passed away. Let it ride for now...and then address this in a few days.. how sad you are, how you may imagine he feels, what was the first thing you felt when u realized the dog wasnt alive,etc...tell him how people react differently in this situation...and how they dont realize how others may be hurting too. I wouldnt even mention the email. I talk to close male freinds very occasionally about married life...sometimes you need to just touch base to get a reality ck. That may b all it is. pls let us know how it goes.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Ladies, Thanks for all your good wishes and kind words. I'm sure the e:mail to the ex was just a form of venitng..but I guess my selfish self wanted it to be ME to who he turned to..not turned against. I have decided to let it rest for now. If he only knew how my heart broke when I found the dog dead, and how I tenderly cleaned her up so his last memory of her wouldn`t be a BAD one. I guess time heals..so that`s what I will do for now.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Michelle this must be hard on you-- dealing with pet grief for many people is the same as if a human died-- as for the email--have you spoken to him about it? it sounds as if he just needed to inform her since she bought him the dog-- try not to make it any bigger unless there is reason for concern-- I miss our IM chats!! laura

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Michelle, I usually don't post on this board but seeing as how my husband and I are relative newly weds 3yrs and how I was on your beloved's end of the dog death ordeal a year ago this month I thought it would be ok. For me I felt compelled to call my X who had given me my precious ray of sunshine for Christmas 5 years earlier. I also felt her passing in some way severed the last tie. The dear sweet thing that loved the two of us so much was gone. We still had a place together in her heart till then and now both she and that place are no more. (I'm in tears as I write this, but that has nothing to do with how very much I love my husband) Bittersweet but cathartic, Believe me he's all yours.

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Thanks for all your replies, I think we will be ok

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Michelle, I am totally on your side (not that you want us to take sides). I would be really hurt about the EX part, and i give you alot of credit for everything you did do for him and the dog. I think you should talk to him about both things, especially him still communicating with an ex. You shouldnt feel guilty at all. After he has calmed down, speak to him and make sure he understands how you feel. I think he is being a bit immature and selfish here. SMILE and be as strong as you have been :) :) anna

Am I wrong to feel this way?

Michelle, I didnt realize that his ex had given him the dog, i might have been reading too fast. Now i see the other side of the story. (Sorry if i was harsh on hubby). Men do express feelings in their own ways (mine sure does!)... I hope all is ok and he sees how much you've done. Maybe you can get him a new puppy for xmas :) All the best to you :) anna

EX DID NOT GIVE HIM THE DOG!!!

Don't know how that was construed, she just used to watch her from time to time She also left him her work phone # just in case 'he needed to talk' and told him she will leave it up to him to call..PLEEZE !! If he calls her from work than so be it... I GIVE UP..Whatever

Some advice

If I were in your situation, I would talk with him, sooner rather than later. The more you wait, the more of an issue it will become, and when you finally talk to him, it could very easily blow up. Organize your thoughts, write them down, do whatever you need to do to hit all your points. Tell him how you feel about the loss of the dog, how it made you feel to find the dog, how you cleaned her up so he wouldn`t see her in a bad way, etc. Then tell him how it made you feel when he accused you of “doing” something to his dog. Make him aware that you are ALSO grieving the death of the dog(plus feeling for him as well). THEN bring up the ex CALMLY (Because we all know how volatile that situation can be). Pushing you away & contacting the ex, has made the whole thing that much more painful. I`m sure your husband is not even aware that you are in pain. Sometimes, when people grieve, they lash out and forget that others may be grieving too. The worst thing you can do is keep all your feelings bottled up, because they will quickly turn into resentment. I feel for you and so does everyone else who posted, and we`re not married to you! :) So I`m if you and your husband talk about it, you will be able to clear everything up.

excellent advice KGB

My friend recently reminded me that coming from a place of love when discussing something that in on your mind with your husband is really important, making your feelings known is key to good communication but also remembering that it`s not about 'winning' in the situation. You will feel better just by speaking your truth quietly & clearly. Hope all is well with you.