DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

So he's been trying to quit smoking for a while now... well before the wedding. We got him the E-Cigarette and he was doing really well.... til lately.
The past two months or so I've noticed he doesn't charge it... he doesn't really smoke it at home any more... I may be slow on the uptake, but not dumb enough to realize he's started back on the real deal again.

Last week I made a comment about him smoking, and he totally ignored me... I let it go cause I know he has to do it on his terms & he has to want to do it.... However, I'd at least like him to be up front with me.

This morning he asked me to leave him some cash so he could buy some 'things'... and I said 'cigarettes?' and he ignored me again and started talking about something else. I asked him if he was ignoring me on purpose, and he said 'yes'. I left to go to work knowing he knows I'm upset.

He doesn't get it... He thinks I'm mad that he's smoking and I get the phone call 'I'm trying.. Its so hard...please dont be mad'... I told him I'm not mad about that.. Honestly, right now I could care less about it - I'm pis$ed that he thinks ignoring me is OK and I'm really hurt that he is basically lying by omission... I'm not an idiot, and he's making me feel like I am.

Am I being unreasonable?? Cause apparently he thinks I am...

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

no.

its so bad for him and its so expensive. and its also so bad for YOU to be around him when and after he's been smoking.

support him as best you can.

charge that thing for him.

they're giving away free quit-kits somewhere...

free gum and stuff.



here

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

As a former smoker (with a SO who wanted me to quit VERY badly) I think you're being very understanding and supportive.

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all- the lying is wrong and so is ignoring you when you ask him about it.

Maybe just let him know you won't ask him about smoking anymore, but you're there for him when he is ready to quit 100%? DH and I used to get into arguments a few times because of my smoking (mostly because when I drank I would smoke even after I quit). For me, I found it was better when he just didn't say anything. Eventually, I quit 100% (even when I drank)- but I had to do it on my own accord.

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

You're not being unreasonable at all.

Besides being a disgusting habit and KNOWING it's horrible for his health, he is putting you in a bad position by 'lying' to you.

my FIL just went to the hospital Sunday night because he passed out in the garage WHILE HE WAS SMOKING and now they're doing tons of tests to try to find out what's wrong with him. He is the picture of everything that you should NOT do to be healthy and smoking for 30 years is a huge part of that.

Your DH needs to step up and be responsible. I understand quitting on your own terms, but it's time to look at the big picture. There are far too many resources and support and eduaction to just say 'I can't do it.' It's time for him to try... and for you, just be as supportive as possible. Obviously it's really hard for him.

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

As I smoker I can feel where your DH is coming from a little bit. I don't think he should ignore you BUT at the same time I do the same thing to DH when he gets on my case when I smoke. I know it's not good for me and I don't need to hear it from him every chance he gets. He's EXTREMELY annoying about it (I'm not saying you are, but my DH is) and I just start to ignore him when I'm running outside to smoke.

HOWEVER, I do tell him 'I'm going to smoke and then we have to leave' or 'I need smokes, stop at 7/11'. He knows I smoke, I don't hide it, but I try to avoid any kind of commercials or conversation that will lead to smoking. It just makes me want to smoke more. I'll quit on my own terms and people harrassing me on quitting is a HUGE turn off. I'm not saying you should lite it up for him but he'll quit if he wants to. Like Becki said, charge the E-Cig and tell him 'Hey babe, I charged the E-Cig for you and it's on the counter in case you want it.' Then he knows it's charged and will go to it if he wants. As a female, I have to quit before we have kids but as a male, you can always tell him 'I'm not having kids with you until you are smoke-free, there I won't bother you anymore'. Then just stick with that.

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

i would be extremely mad if DH ignored me too ... your'e not unreasonable at all!

but you need to express to your DH that he needs to be honest with you regardless of the consequences, and that THAT's why you're upset right now

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

Becki - thanks for the web site!


The one thing I don't do is badger him about it...it's hard - but I grew up being badgered about various things and I know it's more of a deterant than anything...
I try to be as understanding as I can, as we all have our vices that we try to quit, so I know its super difficult... and I know he 'wants' to quit - but I'm not so sure if that's for him or for me (which we all know wont work).

This is just the first time he's not been up front about it - and when I told him I was upset about the ignoring/lying me etc - he just kept saying 'I didn't buy cigaretts today.. I'm trying'. I dont know if its guilt or what...

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

I go through this with DH all the time. I can't tell you how many 'last packs' he's had... how many deadlines he's given me, etc.

But like you said in your post... you forcing him isn't going to make him quit. Bottom line, he has to want to do it for himself. I've stopped trying to push DH to quit, I just try and ask him to cut back... baby steps.

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

Try this site also

It helps with the preparation in quitting smoking. Honestly when someone is ready to quit and is not prepared they're more likely to slip back to old habits. I'm two weeks without a cigarette so far and it gets easier. The first couple of days isn't fun - then the first time you really get pissed off isn't fun - there are a lot of triggers but if he has a plan of attack it might make it easier for him.

Re: DH....Smoking .... Ugggggg

My DH got me to quit by smoking himself.

No really, for some reason it made me feel awful so I stopped and then he did.

I never lied to him though, he'd say something and I'd ignore it but I wouldn't go out of my way to hide or lie about it.