Re: not engaged...need advice

I went through your EXACT same situation. FH and I started dating when I was 18 and he was 19. We dated for 8 years with very casual discussions about marriage. He expressed openly to me that someday it would happen, my e-ring would come. Has your boyfriend expressed his interest to get married some day . If not, then ask him what his intentions are exactly. I know one thing my FH constantly told me was 'dont talk about it all the time, you ruin any kind of surprise'. So I took the advice and stopped talking about it. He surprised me at Christmas dinner and I was overjoyed. Maybe you should do the same. Maybe he is getting annoyed because he knows you're expecting it and it won't be a surprise or romantic at all. Dont worry, mine gave me the same 'financial' reason too. He thought e-rings cost tens of thousands of dollars and that catering halls needed to be paid upfront. Try explaining the process to him and that since you are planning an '07 wedding you will have more than enough time to pay for it. Good luck!

Re: not engaged...need advice

If you have been with him for seven years then you should know when your talking to him if it's something deeper and you just don't know what?

If that's the case you really have to sit down and have a serious talk.

I had a similar experience my FH and I went out for three years broker up for 2 and are back for 1 year.

I broker up with him because I was sick of his friends coming first, and I just felt that he didn't care about me the way I wanted him to. That my feelings were stronger and that's just not what I wanted.

Then he tried to get me back but I wasn't having it. I seriously thought we would never get back together not because of spite or I didn't trust him. It was because it didn't work and I wasn't willing to try again.

Long story short we got back together two years later!!!

I really think if I never left him, we wouldn't be the way we are.

If you let him go and he comes back he's yours for life.

Seriously you should knw him well enough to know if he is giving you BS or telling the truth.

You need to talk to him and figure out which one it is and take it from there.

Re: not engaged...need advice

I really hope it turns out the best for you

Re: not engaged...need advice

Thanks everyone!
I think I am going to set a date in my head and not mention anything regarding engagement to him anymore. You guys made some really valid points about ruining a surprise, not being ready, etc.
If he doesnt do anything by that time, I'll rethink the whole relationship.
Not being ready I guess I can understand, but my fear is maybe he just doesnt think I am the right person.

thanks again!

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by espresso

ok I think I need to add the fact that I am 25. too young?

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Sweetheart-I was 24 when I got engaged! There isnt and age-though to be comfortable with yourself, who you are going to be and what you are going to do with your life is necessary for a relationship to work.
You should sit down with him and talk about it. Tell him how you feel-that some kind of commitment to you would be nice-not just money. Money is wonderful-it makes living with someone that much easier, but I would live in a card board box with FH if that is what the card dealt gave us.
If it is about a ring-maybe he wants to get you something 'specific'. Do yourself a favor and dont assume that you know the real deal-ask him. All you will do is upset yourself more by letting it play in your head.

Good luck-its a talk you need to have and its a talk you need to have soon. Make sure you are both ready to talk or you wont get anywhere.

PS-I kept bringing up getting a ring to FH-he sat on it for almost a year b/c i wouldnt shut up about it. If you stop looking for it maybe you will get it!!!

Re: not engaged...need advice

I think it's best to do what you're doing in setting a date in your head.

Everything happens for a reason. Remember change is scary for most guys.

My brother made a crucial mistake of getting engaged after 7 years because he thought that's what he was supposed to do. Everyone (including her family) was telling him to Sh*t or get off the pot. But my mother and I knew better that he wasn't meant to be with her and that he wasn't happy. But he couldn't break up with her because he was afraid of hurting her. I told him that's no reason to stay with someone, they will eventually get over it.

Well, now he's married to her with 2 kids. I know he has made the best of things, and she is a great woman, but I know for a fact he must think about what could have been.

I swore I wouldn't make the same mistake.

Trust me, when you want to be with someone for the rest of your life, you just know. But if your BF is the one that you want to be with, do not pressure him to get engaged. I've had male friends of mine who said they dumped girls who they really did want to marry, but couldn't deal with the constant pressure.

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by cloddy

If he's saying finances then it sounds to me too that maybe he feels that he cannot afford a ring yet.

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i agree!

Re: not engaged...need advice

I feel your pain. DH and I dated eight years before we got married (seven before getting engaged). We had many a conversation about it and it mainly usually ended with me getting very upset, him not being ready, not being sure and not being able to articulate why. It hurt badly. I loved him so much and just felt in my heart that it would happen and believed in US! WHat is your gut telling you?

I hated doing this but I told DH that he had to propose by the end of the year that I turned 30 or else despite it hurting I was moving on. He proposed on my 30th birthday and everything has been amazing ever since.

I have been ready a long time but all I can say is that it was WORTH it to wait for him to be ready since now I know, he has been the most amazing finance and husband and all my family and friends keep saying how right we are and how happy we looked on our wedding day.

I don't know if this helped at all, but that's my story for what it's worth.

GL! FM me if you want to talk about this. I know how hard this can be!!!!

Re: not engaged...need advice

Espresso

I dated my husband for 5 years before we got engaged...we did live togther for most of that time...he felt that finacially he could not provide me that huge rock of a ring..He knew I was not big into jewlery but still felt bad not spending a ton on my ring.
We had just finished with college and were having alot of problems from his parents about our relationship (so much so that he was disowned)
We did get engaged and waited 18 months to marry ( we were 25 when we tied the knot) and recently celebrated 7 years togther. We knew in our heart of hearts that we would be married...he told me evey day he couldn't wait but I knew it was just not the right time yet

I agree that love can't be measured with pre-determined milestones and the pressure you must be feeling from family and friends must be huge ....if you know he is the one, that you could not imgine your life any other way and that he will propose in the sort of near future that I would wait it out a little more but maybe make yourself less avaliable so he will begin to see what he is missing.


good luck

Michelle

eta:
we were 18 when we started dating
23 when we got engaged
25 when we married

Re: not engaged...need advice

I don't think 25 is too young to get engaged, but remember your 7 years started when you were teenagers...
If you have both talked about marriage already, which it sounds like you have, then he probably isn't scared of committment.
If he mentioning finances as a problem, he is probably feeling pressure to get you a ring he thinks you will be happy with.
I don't think you should set any date in your head, to me that sounds like you could be setting yourself up for disappointment. Wait and see what happens. Although 25 is not too young to get engaged, you are still young. If you feel he may never do it, then sit down and have an honest conversation with him.
Although, here is another scenario - one of my FH's friends had been dating a girl for many years. She kept asking him when they were getting engaged blah blah, and he didn't do it because he didn't like her asking him and pressuring him all the time. They just got engaged last month. Maybe lay off for awhile, and he will surprise you.

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by Jackie&Justin

I hate to say this, but I think you either need to have a serious discussion about why he won't marry you or perhaps move on. I think the financial thing is just a way of getting out of it, either he is too immature or maybe just doesn't want to ettle, but if you are not happy being just boyfriend, girlfriend, than the relationship wont last anyway. I want to give you some

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I agree 100%...big discussion...if he doesnt want the same thing you do I think its time to move on...men get comfortable after a while I mean why buy the cow when you have free milk right? Good luck and I hope that all will work out for you. Remember, you deserve to be made very special and wanted, and mostly-respected...