Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

ok i sent it again

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

definately talk to him

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

TwoBugs: You and youe FH were aware that you were at the bar 3-5 weeks ... She apparently has been lied to which is the number one sign if he is an alcoholic i am not saying that he is but if you look at the facts of alcoholism denial & lying are the first tell tale signs .

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

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Posted by peeweesgirl

TwoBugs: You and youe FH were aware that you were at the bar 3-5 weeks ... She apparently has been lied to which is the number one sign if he is an alcoholic i am not saying that he is but if you look at the facts of alcoholism denial & lying are the first tell tale signs .

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That's true, of course. I was just trying to lighten up on all the alcoholism talk, because none of us know violet's FH, and that's a very serious accusation.
It could be just as likely that he lies because he knows violet will get upset about where he's been and that he spends too much time away from her. Sometimes, I think men feel it's just easier to lie than to be confronted for disappointing someone. But what do I know?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

Wait, he is home by 7pm??? So what is the big deal if he has a drink or two a few nights a week before he comes home? I don't even get home until 6:30 - 7 every night. If DH went to have a beer or two after work every night, I am not sure I would care.

I am not excusing his lying. He should be honest with you. But maybe you can cut him some slack. You said he likes to talk about his job and you are not interested in it. If my DH wanted to spend and hour or two after work hanging out with his football cronies to discuss the team everyday, I wouldn't care because when he talks to me about it I don't understand him. Not that I don't want to listen or discourage him, but I just don't follow it most of the time. And he is very passionate about his team.

As long as my DH is coming home to me every night to have dinner and spend time with me, I wouldn't begrudge him his space with his co-workers.

And lets not all jump on the alcoholic bandwagon so fast. I have had weeks where four or five nights involve wine. I am on my couch with DH next to me, but if I want to have some wine, I do. But then there are weeks where I don't have any. Does that make me an alcoholic?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

Well, he gets out of work at 3:30. It's not so much how late he is there, but if he's going to bar almost everyday, that's still not good. Last week though, he was more home around 8-9.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

No I am not trying to imply he is an Alcoholic I am concerned that she is being lied to , I also was saying that it could be possible he is and that he may need assistance. Just because your out at a bar 5X a week doesn't mean your a drunk but it does make me wonder what is going on at home why would you want to be out that much???

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

The point is if he has to lie about it, then it's a problem to me. I would be somewhat pissed to hear that he is at the bar again, but I'm going to be damn angry if he is trying to lie about it. Meaning he's better off just telling me than lying about it. I have to point out to him that he should tell me instead of lying because he's afraid I'll get mad because lying just threatens our relationship.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

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Posted by violet

Well, he gets out of work at 3:30. It's not so much how late he is there, but if he's going to bar almost everyday, that's still not good. Last week though, he was more home around 8-9.

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Try to come to a compromise with him. He can go out a certan number of days - that you are both comfortable with and he will be home to spend time with you by a certain time - that you are both comfortable with.

ETA: He has already apologized for lying and he has told you he wont do it anymore. At this point you need to let him know that you don't want to fight about this, but that you are angry and you will rethink the status of your relationship if he continues to lie. But, I think you need to let this go and see how it plays out. If you can't give him that much, than you don't trust him at all and you might as well leave right now.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

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Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

Can you take him out and he only drinks one drink?

If the answer is no then he is an alcoholic sweetie.

I have a brother who is an alcoholic, nicest guy you'll ever meet used to be a bartender and resturant manager could drink everyone under the table and you would never even know he was drinking. Hell he used to always be the guy who drove everyone else home because he seemed to be the 'safe' one well back in 1997 after he drove everyone home he was so beat he feel asleep at a light on sunrise and was arrested for DUI, it ruined his entire life. But it also saved his life because he has learned that he can't go out and have one drink. There is something in him that just won't let it happen.

It's a dangerous addiction and it is easy to be an enabler. I used to do it myself. We would go out and he would buy me drinks while I was in college so I could drink with him and feed his addiction.

What you need to do is go to Alanon (they have meetings at every Catholic parish on LI) I have gone to ones at St. Wiliams, Maria Regina and so forth you just need to go and listen and learn.

He isn't going to change for YOU! Even if you don't think he is an alcoholic you might want to try a meeting and sit in the back and listen. And if he does have a problem he needs to realize it and change himself and well if you except that to happen soon having the stress of planning a wedding may not be a good time. Maybe you should postpone for another year or so.

He shouldn't be lying about his drinking at all.
And worse case scenerio what if something happens to you or you child (after marriage) and he can't come get you because he is at the bar with his buddies... even if it is the case that he wants to and just is unable to drive safely.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

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Posted by 070502

Can you take him out and he only drinks one drink?

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No, but if I go to bar, I can't just have one drink either. It's hard to be there with everyone else drinking and not have more than one.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

See now this is a problem , if he can't have just one and leave.


Please look into this, it is a very serious matte r but there is help !

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

You stated you both just moved into this apartment.....Were you both living together before or is this a new situation? How long has you FH been working at hs job? Did he always get off at 3:30 and then go to the bar? When you first met him, was this already part of his daily routine?
What time do you get out of work?

Does he have any hobbies, or play any sports? Maybe you can suggest you both join a gym and meet every day or at least every other day to work out together. I would find theing to keep him occupied, if it turns out that he goes to the bar, just to talk and hang out with his friends..

Or are you already starting to plan your wedding? Maybe you can get him more involved with the planning?

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

Oh give me a break. If I take the time to go out to a bar, I am not going to have one drink and leave.

Everyone needs to relax. I would not easily label a man that I do not know as an alcoholic.

Violet's concern was that her FH was not being honest with her, not that he might be an alcoholic. I think we should all focus on the issue she came to us with.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

I think people are getting a bit sidetracked here. She said in an earlier post that she is going to feel like everytime he tells her something she fears he may be lying(soemthing to that effect, don't quote me).............I think that is a HUGE problem, and the only problem. The alcholism/problem drinking talk is all speculation...........focus on the facts people..........

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

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Posted by NYCHICK

I think people are getting a bit sidetracked here. She said in an earlier post that she is going to feel like everytime he tells her something she fears he may be lying(soemthing to that effect, don't quote me).............I think that is a HUGE problem, and the only problem. The alcholism/problem drinking talk is all speculation.....................

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I have to say that I agree.

Re: Depressed About Things with FH - Update

Yeah, I wouldn't call not only being to have one drink alcoholism if you're at a bar. Especially if you're only drinking beer because let's face it, some guys can drink beers like they're water. My father has beer often when he is at home relaxing, watching TV, but I would never say he's an alcoholic. Then I would be an alcoholic myself because I would hate to be at a bar and have one drink, and that's it. I like to have a few, and I drink mixed drinks.

Nothing has changed about our environment. We've lived together for two years, he's always done this job. If anything, I think he was worse in the beginning. He was definitely a bar guy. He used to be a bartender before I met him. Usually in the summer though, he joins things like softball and other stuff that keeps him active as opposed to just sitting at bar. But then the team goes to bar afterwards!