Re: It got really bad last night

Oh NO Jenn!!! I am so sorry. Just stick to you guns. You know what you want for your day....and I bet she'll see when the big day comes how wonderful it all is and how your guests are going to enjoy themselves and YOU & your DH!!!!!!!!!!

Re: It got really bad last night

I wish my mom would get more involved in my wedding planning also....but its probably better that she doesn't...If she was more involved there would probably be alot for drama

Re: It got really bad last night

All I want to do is give you some

Re: It got really bad last night

Can I just tell you it got even worse..... Im not speaking to my mother because we had it out the following night.
I was checking my email on my dad's computer and nosey came into the room to see what I was doing. She said that she needed to talk to me about something. I said I know what it was about and I dont want to hear it. She said that she just wanted to give me her opinion, and again I told her I didnt care for her opinion and that I didnt want to hear it. She still goes on and tells me that what I've done to this wedding has become ridiculous, she had never heard of a program and quite frankly, programs belong on broadway, not a wedding. She proceeded to tell me that her customs are not like that and that Im not having a traditional wedding, Im having a show. She said that people were all ready talking sh!t about my wedding and that when her friends and family see the programs, they will be appalled. That she was only telling me 'the truth' because no one else would. She said everyone was just telling me what I wanted to hear.
Everything that has been building up in me exploded. I told her that Im not getting married in Guatemala, Im getting married here. I was brought up here and follow american customs. I am having a traditional AMERICAN wedding. I told her since the very beginning of this planning, she has had nothing nice to say. Every choice I've made, she disagrees. Every dress I've picked or idea I've liked, she's hated. I told her how she broke me when she told me how fat I looked in my dress. She quickly changed her tune and told me it shouldnt matter what she thinks. I told her with everything, I went to her as a daughter looking for her mother's approval. I didnt want her advice or her opinion, I was just looking for a pat on the back. And like always, she never stands behind me on anything that I do. Unlike all the other girls that get to share with their mothers the joys of planning a wedding, here I was avoiding talking to my mother about it. She said that at least she told me how she felt and walked away. She left the house and left me crying my eyes out. I cant tell you how upset I am.
My sister called later that night and calmed me down, but I still feel awful. She makes me doubt myself and everything that I do. Is it so hard to reassure your daughter, instead of putting her down? Is it so hard to just tell a little white lie knowing you would make someone feel better? What little faith I had in my mother is now gone. I dont know what to think anymore.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this. Your wedding will be beautiful no matter what she says.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I'm so sorry to hear this. I hope everything works out for you and I'm sure your wedding will be beautiful!

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

Jenn, I am so sorry you are hurt.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I hear you!!



My mom gives me advice/opinions when I DON'T want it and then doesn't provide me with assurance when I do need it.

It is what it is... I have moved on and accepted her for what she is - not a 'mushy' mom.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

Jenn I am so sorry. You are right, there is no reason for you to be this upset during your wedding planning because of your own mother. So basically you have 2 choices... the first would be to lift your head high and shrug off her opinions and say to yourself and everyone else including your mom how you are making this wedding into your dream wedding, which BTW, you are! You are doing a wonderful job and everything is coming out so beautifully. Or the second thing is just ignore her and her negativity. But I think if you keep showing that you are happy with your plans, she will have to come around.

Again, these are for you

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

Thanks guys. I really appreciate the love and support you guys have always given me. I dont know what I would do without you guys.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're wedding will be amazing and I think when your mom actually sees how beautiful everything turns out she will change her tune. I'm just sorry she's not supporting you now, that must be so hard on you.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I am so sorry.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

While this in no way excuses your mom's whole approach to your wedding, you should take a moment to at least understand that just as you are passionate about the culture in which you were brought up, your mother is probably even more passionate about the culture in which she was raised. In her mind she is saying what she is saying to you out of love.

I firmly believe that we must give what we want. And just as you want her to accept the culture you've grown to love, you have to somehow reassure her that you have a deep appreciation for the culture that she loves and that your intention is not to completely deviate from that culture, but you desire to incorporate both of the cultures that define who you are into your wedding day.

All I am saying is that for your own sanity, try and see things from her perspective, even though she may never see it from yours. That will temper your responses to her.

I wish you all the best.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

It's tough these days to plan an event - nevermind having to listen to people's opinions from other generations... mom, dad, grandparents. Everyone has an opinion and they think they are entitled to share it to you - whether you want to hear it or not

My FH and I have had our share of issues with his mom and my dad and grandmother over religious issues.... and other things. It's not easy and yes, you will explode - I did it to my dad and gma.... I will wait until after the wedding to let everything else that's built up out.

I'm very sorry she's not supportive - everything you've done and planned and have shared with us here has been incredible and well thought out - you should be proud of yourself.... we are!

Good luck and keep your chin up - your day will be perfect - exactly as you planned it

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I am sorry Jenn! Your wedding will be LOVELY!!!

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

That is SO hard. I am having problems with my mother right now, and your story struck a chord. I don't know if this helps, but not all brides have a loving, supportive, warm relationship with their moms during this time. Mine will only talk about HER hair, HER dress, HER jewelry. I don't even know if she knows anything about how I will look on the day of. It's sad, but I have stopped fighting it, and I get so much support from my sisters (which it sounds like you have!) and friends...(and Grandma and Aunts too.) This dysfunctional relationship with my mother has been part of the reason I have been in therapy for the past year - and it has helped so much! Honestly, I think there are a good amount of mothers are jealous of their daughters and don't even know how to compliment them, and be warm to them because it is so threatening to their own insecurities about their age, looks, etc...could this be the case? It sounds like there is also a cultural barrier, and maybe she is hurt that you are not having a Guatemalan wedding and that it is so Americanized. Maybe that is threatening to her very heritage. Her way of expressing and dealing with that fear however is TOTALLY unacceptable and hurtful to you...and she isn't seeing that.

I'm just rambling from my own experience, but I wanted to let you know that you are not alone, this is SO hard, and there are ways to get through the pain of a realtionship like this. I kept having to say in my therapy session the other day (in between sobs about how unfair it is to have a mother like mine) that 'After the wedding, I will be less connected to her and my family unit, and I will have MY family.' This doesn't mean I am not going to be close with my family - we are so close. It just means that I am going to have to stop caring so much about getting my mothers approval, because I am not going to ever get it. So I have to stop hoping for it. You know? I am on my way to caring only about the approval of my husband, and creating love (and encouragement and warmth, and everything I NEVER got from my mother) I will have with my own children. This is a healing thought.

Sorry to ramble. Hang in there. You are a STRONG woman, and this is only making you STRONGER. It's all part of life...




eta: FM me if you ever need to talk!

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I am so sorry Jenn.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

Ryanna, you have me in tears right now. Im going through the exact same thing. I just recently stopped therapy, but it was the same reasons as you. As much as I try to make my mom proud of me, its just something that will never happen. I wont get into it, but I've always had a volatile relationship with my mother, and Im only now learning that it isnt my fault. I just learned last night that my aunt is not speaking to my mother either because of a similar situation. My aunt confided in my mother and was looking for a shoulder to cry on, and instead my mom told her that her misfortunes are her own fault, and that she has no one to blame but herself.

Anyway, I stray from the subject. Although my mom doesnt want to believe it, Im actually having a very traditional ceremony complete with the lasso custom, and the 13 coins. Its the main reason why I wanted to have programs so I could explain to the majority of my guests what these customs signify in my culture. Everything that my mom has asked, I have included in my wedding. My only solace is that right after the wedding, my parents are moving to florida. It is bittersweet though, because I adore my father.

I know this is painful, but I wanted to thank you for sharing such a personal matter like that with me. If you ever need to talk, please know that I am here for you.

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

I can't think of any other insightful words that haven't been said already. Just wanted to offer extra hugs.
:hug

Re: It got even worse! Mom arguement updated

She will just have to see when the wedding comes around at how wonderful it really is. If she's not happy with the way things are being planned, then she can stay home. What does your father think?