Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

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Posted by marymoon

Thank you so muhc. All of you.

Leslie, you're so right. It's just hard because FH is falling apart too from the the stress. When I get home from work I'm going to call this number I found in the yellow pages just flipping through. She does individual, marriage and family therapy and she says she takes most insurance. I figure it's a start for me and D and our anxiety and maybe eventually hs fmaily probems as well.

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I am actually looking into therapy for myself. I have been there before and I work in the mental health field so I am not averse to it. FH suggested someone he knows, but I would prefer to use either the person I used in the past, or someone who does NOT know him. This way, the therapy stands more of a chance of being completely objective. I would suggest therapy for yourself with AND/OR without FH should you go the route of therapy. We all have our own problems as well as joint problems. Just a suggestion. Good luck!

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

I'm so sorry for everything you rgoing through!!! I wish I knew something to say or some way to help you!!! Just know you and your family are in my prayers and thoughts and you can always talk to us and tell us everything no ned for apologies!!!

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

Right. I agree 100% I once went to a therpist who alos treated my mother. It was a complete disaster, and I would never ever do that again. I figured I'd call her and see what she would suggst, like if she is focused on the family therapy angle and can reccomend someone else or works with someone else for individual, etc.

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

All I can say is that I've been there, done that. My situation was forced on me in my teen years, and as I grew up, I stayed by my mom's side while my sister (older) pursued her life - went away to college and relocated to Boston. Now, some 15 years later, I'm happy with my choices, but it wasn't easy. I chose not to go away to school - instead I commuted and worked two jobs to handle school tuition and mortgage payments for my mom (she worked as well). My mom and I were like a partnership. When I bought my house 5 years ago, she was on my deed - because I had stayed with her and refused to leave her like my dad did.

Enter my FI - and we were progressing with our relationship and trying to plot out our lives - and I felt like I had created a monster in enabling my mom to rely on me. It was like she was unable to make a decision without my involvement. Thankfully my FI has the same 'whatever it takes' attitude regarding family as I do, but it was very difficult for us trying to make a home in a house where my mom lived in our spare room (and she viewed it as her house too - even though the $$ was mine) - she had no independence, it was like she lost her identity in leaning on me for everything. It was painful for both of us, including my FI.

I know you probably feel like the weight of the world is on your shoulders, but you have to take a step back and remember that your mom is an adult and needs to develop her own foundation and future (based on your previous posts, I suspect that this all may too new for her just yet - which is totally understandable). My experiences taught me that I needed to focus on FI and I as the family unit first - and then whatever extra emotion, support, and money there was, I could focus my mom's way. But the reality is that her life is not my responsibility. I know that sounds harsh - but I'm only able to say that after lots of therapy and years of difficult situations.

Thankfully for me, my mom got remarried in December to her boyfriend of 13 years, so any of that burden I put on myself is lifted.

My one recommendation to you is to do what is best for you and FI - if financially supporting your mom is what you both think is best - then fine. But just remember that it isn't your obligation. And yes, the majority of financial situations will get worked out once the divorce is final.

My heart bleeds for you, because I can feel the pain you're feeling now. Just remember to think of yourself!

Feel free to FM if you need to talk! Good luck!

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

Also did you guys have an Eparty already??? Maybe if you didn't you can put together a nice backyard bbq type party to help get together some money for the wedding?? or whatever you would choose to do with it.

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

I'm so sorry you are dealing with this Jen. I wish I had some magic words to make you feel better.

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

My heart goes out to you and your family. I pray that things get better.

Re: NWR - I feel like I'm suffocating (warning..major vent/pity party)

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Posted by Soon2bMsZ

Also did you guys have an Eparty already??? Maybe if you didn't you can put together a nice backyard bbq type party to help get together some money for the wedding?? or whatever you would choose to do with it.

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I haven't had one yet. It kept getting put off for various reasons and then we decided we coudn't afford one, but then after we decided to postpone the wedding I thought 'YAY! Now we can have an e-party' but the $$ is still not there. I was thiking of this great backyard BBQ but I don't have a backyard to speak of. My mom's family said they'd all bring food to throw a pary in the house, but we have such a big family ( i think the lowest we got the eparty list to was 50 people) that I just don't think they'd fit. but that would be good because 1) really want to celebrate and 2) it could give us some more $$ in our wedding savings account. we'll see