Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

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Truth is that I'd be furious with FI right now. Where does he get off saying that your parents should pay for his mom's extra guests? That's insane. I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree that I'd set a limit and tell her if she wants to go over the limit, she needs to contribute.

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EXACTLY!!!!!!!

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

JZNCK0 I wholeheartedly agree. I'm going through the same crap with my FMIL, and we're paying for the wedding ourselves. Sure, let tem give you a list but either she pays for anything over 50, or you cut it yourself. FH and I are at a point where we've decided we're not going to tell anyone about our wedding plans, and let it all surprise everyone. I can't deal with this BS anymore! I wanted no more than 150 people, and FH has that many on his list cause his family wants to invite every tom, dck and happy, I say no freaking way.


If she's not paying, she has very little say. And I don't think the guest lists need to be split in 3rds as another bride suggested. I think it's primarily YOUR guest list.

We're not asking our parents for lists. They made some suggestions, but it's up to us if we're taking them or not.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

im so sorry your going through all of this turmoil with only months before your wedding . i think you have every right to be upset at both your fh parents and also your fh. i think that it is so generous that your parents have agreed to pay for such a large amount of you wedding and i think for your fils to take advantage of that is totally wrong. i

i think you should have a meeting with all of the parents and have your parents state that they are allotting for a certain amount and cant go over that. they should then tell your future in laws they are allowed a certain number and they have to stick to it. but explain to them that if the first few cancel she can add more people so that she still gets to invite the amount of guests she was allotted.

as for the shower i would tell your fiance since its his sister you too especially him should just really pay if your fmil refuses to. i mean the shower is going to bebefit you both not anyone else. i dont think that your mom should not have to contribute anything since she is already doing so much. thats just my opinion i hope everything works out

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Thanks so much for all the input. I was suprised to see so many replies!

I was considering having my parents speak with my FMIL like some people suggested. Unfortunately, they aren't close. My Mom dislikes FMIL so I don't think that would work out too well.

I think that FMIL is under the impression that she has a say in the wedding because her son is putting in money for MY WEDDING. She even went so far as to want her name on the invitations on the top. I was planning on putting FI's parents names on the invite but not on the top with my parents. My Mom had a HEART ATTACK and put her foot down.

I don't think it sinks in that FMIL's son is getting married also and that it's his wedding too.

As far as the bridal shower goes, I wanted BOTH OF US,not just him, to put in the money to cover the cost that his mom can't.

I understand that his sister is only a junior bridesmaid. The BP never asked FMIL for money. She initally offered and I think she should follow through. FI doesn't back me up. He told me that the BP shouldn't have DARED to ask his Mom for money. GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR.

I talked to him this morning and told him that his Mom can have 75 guests. Anything that goes over she would have to pay. I told him that he has to talk to his Mom and BACK ME UP. We'll see how this goes. Right now he's not talking to his mom so we'll see what happens.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Try to have your FH handle things with his mother. It's easier to hear things coming from him, than it is from you. Try to remember she is likely stressed about 'losing' her son. There is nothing wrong with asking her to cut down the list. Find out from your FH who she is inviting, and who will realistically say yes. If she won't cut the list down, have him do it.

I don't always get along with FMIL, but I try my best to remain at least neutral. Sometimes she pisses me off, but for FW's sake, I have no choice but to let it go. It's not worth ruining our great love over. You can't change other people, you can only learn to cope with them.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

its a hard situation.. first, my bridal party paid for my shower.. they set a limit because of what they could afford and that was fine. you have to be firm. tell your fmil that if she wants the extra people, shes going to have to pay for them. and as far as the wedding goes, husband and i paid for the whole thing and we first asked our parents for their guest lists. if it was over what we could do, we were going to ask them to cut it down or pay for the extra people. turns out the lists were fine... but this is YOUR wedding. remember that. if you and your fh are arguing over family wedding issues, thats not good for you two. remember this is your day.. dont let family come in between your happiness.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

ok JMO - Bottom line - YOUR parents are generous enough to pay for the reception- THEY make the calls as far as the guest lists and # of people attending the wedding. - If your parents have told you they can afford to pay for 150 guests, and you FMIL is NOT willing to help out - the she is being COMPLETELY disrespectful of your parents and their position. -
you were not at all wrong to 'ask' her to cut down her guest list - Maybe your mom can help you out w/ this one ?? My Aunt politely called my cousin's FMIL and told her that she and my Uncle could afford a wedding of X number of people, and she may invite X number of guests from her side. - End of story. - You FMIL is NOT paying a dime - she has NO right to hand over a list of 100 people to your parents ! That is totally and completely disrespectfull - and PLEASE do not think you did the wrong thing -

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

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Posted by violetfairy

Truth is that I'd be furious with FI right now. Where does he get off saying that your parents should pay for his mom's extra guests? That's insane. I know you don't want to hear this, but I agree that I'd set a limit and tell her if she wants to go over the limit, she needs to contribute.

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This is what I'm thinking... In the end, it should be FH that tells his mother what she can do with her extra guests. It's totally unfair that he is taking her side on this. I'd deal with him, rather than her, on this. Seems like you would have a bit more leverage with him than her since she seems totally unreasonable.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

I really feel for you. You FMIL is definitely taking advantage of your parents' generosity. I would give them a number and force them to cut their list down so it works. Otherwise, threaten to do it yourself.

I live by the motto, 'If you're not paying for it, then you have no say.'

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

I am sorry sorry you have to deal with this... i think that you should either speak to you FMIL or have your mom and tell her how many people and if she wants more then she has to pay for it... bottom line if that is what you or your parents can afford than that is how it will be

IT is YOUR wedding as someone else said not hers
I hope everything works out for you

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Posted by june262004

I have never heard of the MOM paying for the shower and not the BP. Maybe back in her day it was like that but honestly when I was in my cousins BP I was like 14 and 16 I used some of my babysitting money and my parents paid the rest. And she needs to cut this list down also. Anyway who is getting married here her son or her?

Hang in there.

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How could you expect a 14 year old to chip in $$$ for a shower. Everyone i know... their mom pays for the bridal shower.. i have said this before i would never expect my bridal party to pay for my shower

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

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Everyone i know... their mom pays for the bridal shower

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That's the way it's been with my friends' weddings, too, and now I keep looking back and wondering if I was unintentionally rude... I don't remember if I offered to chip in for showers when I was a BM, but I know no one ever asked me. 'Course, I was only in one when I was an 'adult,' the rest were when I was about 18.

To solve this, I've asked my mom to make it a 'no big deal' shower if she has one for me-- just at her house with heroes and soda type of thing, so it's not expensive for anyone.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

Let me just say my wedding is also 150. I told FMIL exactly 'TO be fair lets split 50 for my parents 50 for them and 50 for me and FH'. She went behind my back and talked to FH. So he calls me up asking me not to invite my some of my frineds so we can put some of his mothers guest on our list. Mind you she's not paying a cent for anything, and has the audasity to make me feel bad about my not so expensive centerpieces. And my parents are carrying this whole wedding on their shoulders. I was ready to send her somewhere but I figure, I still get to send the invitations hahahaha.

Re: We went to pick up our wedding bands and almost called off the wedding! (Super Long)

ok i HAD to join this site, just to say this:

1) i think this is hilarious, that after 6 years, this topic is still up! hahaha!

2) Neil better thank his LUCKY STARS that his mother is NOT like that woman because I probably would have beat the holy HELL out of her!!!

3) this is OUR wedding! NOT HERS! NO ONE helped contribute a dime, and we wanted it that way because we didn't want anyone to have a say. Granted I mainly got what I wanted because Neil really wasn't into the planning, but that;s beside the point ;)

4) My girls all chipped in and paid for my bridal shower.. I have never heard of the mother paying for it (on either side).. ever..

5) I REALLY wish the OP JUST posted this! I would have went NUTS! I would have told her you're lucky I'm letting you invite ANYONE!! YOU ALREADY HAD YOUR OWN DAMN WEDDING DID YOU NOT?! Ok I need to calm down, because I seriously want to look for this woman and slap the hell out of her LOL.. How dare she pull that crap?? I can;t believe she even gave a list when she isn;t even contributing a dime! Who does that woman think she is??! You know what I would have done?? I would have told her you know what?? have your own vow renewal and invite whoever you want.. have it on MY wedding day because LADY YOU ARE NOT COMING TO MINE!!!

I'm pretty outspoken if you couldn't already tell :)