Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

Hi girls! I spoke to my cantor who is leading our interfaith ceremony. We are mainly having a jewish ceremony and I was going over the order so I can start to work on a program. I then brought up the ketubah signing part of our day to our cantor. He said that we would sign it and that was it.

My sister had a traditional jewish ceremony cause hers was not interfaith. When they signed the ketubah the rabbi at the time also had the groom lift the veil and put it over the bride's face. It was described basically as the groom will life the bride's veil to ensure that this is the woman he has cosen to be his wife. This tradition dates back to the biblical story of Jacob, who was deceived by his father-in-law, Lavan into marrying Leah instead of Rachel. The Cantor will then bless the bride with the same blessing that Rebecca, the second Jewish matriarch, received from her family when she went to marry Isaac, the son of Abraham.

when i spoke about this to my cantor he said he has never heard of the groom doing that during the ketubah ceremony. that he only lifts it before we kiss and he said this must be an orthodox thing. My family isn't orthodox and neither are any of my friends weddings ive attended weddings of, and they have all done this. Have you? is this not normal for an interfaith ceremony??

i pictured my FH doing this at the ketubah signing and he's acting like he wont, which i think is ridiculous since we are paying him so much. i just wanted to know what people have done during the ketubah signing part of their ceremony. Thanks girls!!

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

I am not Jewish and I don't know much about Jewish wedding traditions... but my SIL (we're Catholic) married a Jew... her ketubah signing was about an hour before her cerermony. the rabbi did the blessings you're talking about and they did the lifting of the veil at the ketubah signing.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

The lifting of the veil is called the bedeken. It's not an Orthodox custom, and I don't think it's mandatory.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

It is called a bedeken and mostly done in orthodox ceremonies, but - its ur dime. Tell him that is what you want to do and he should perform it. BTW, my brother and sil had one and theirs was after the ketubah signing b/c they were in separate roome (orthodox ceremony) . I am having an interfaith (mainly jewish though) and we are not doing a bedeken

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

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Posted by ejm1219

It is called a bedeken and mostly done in orthodox ceremonies, but - its ur dime. Tell him that is what you want to do and he should perform it. BTW, my brother and sil had one and theirs was after the ketubah signing b/c they were in separate roome (orthodox ceremony) . I am having an interfaith (mainly jewish though) and we are not doing a bedeken

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exactly it's my dime! which is what i think! but thanks girls for the feedback...if youre not doing a bedeken what will be taking place in your ketubah signing part? do you just sign it? does the rabbi/cantor/clergy just read you the ketubah so everyone hears it?

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

A bedecken is actually done at conservative and orthodox weddings, I dont think its common for reform weddings.

At Orthodox weddings it is done publically before the ceremony with singing and dancing. At Conservative weddings it is done privately (with just parents or bridal party) after the ketubah signing, the last thing before the ceremony starts.

Its interesting that the rabbi said that...While it is not a part of the ketubah signing it is done right after, some reform rabbis actively dont follow certian customs that they feel are outdated or not egalitarian...my friend got married by a reform rabbi who refused to let her do the circling.

At the ketubah signing, you and your husband, the rabbi and 2 witnsses sign it and the rabbi will explain it to you. The Ketubah is then read during the ceremony.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

I was married by a reform rabbi in a reform temple. We had a bedeken after the ketubah ceremony just before the ceremony:


and I also walked around DH seven times. Everyone's interpretation of circling is different. Some women will not do it because they think it shows subservience to a man which I think is BS. to me, I felt it was the creation of our home. Anyone who knows me, knows I am too strong to be subservient to ANYONE.

My dress kept on getting caught and the rabbi had to kick it around - it was hilarious. Not to mention the little guys I had up on the bimah called my train a 'cape' and a 'tail' - you can hear it in the video.

The rabbi was happy to use as many traditions as we wanted. He knew exactly where they came from and made no comments or judgements. Actually, the only thing a Jewish wedding NEEDS is a chuppah. Everything else is tradition but not mandatory - not even the glass.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

We had a Jewish ceremony, although I'm not. We didn't have a ketubah, and didn't do the veiling, but it is definitely a tradition. One of the nice parts about a Reform ceremony is you can do what you like. If you want to do the veiling--I forget what the actual term is--go ahead. Why not? Another part we really enjoyed was the yichud, which happens right after the ceremony is over. The bride and groom retire to a room--we went to the bridal suite--and reflect on what they've just done. If you've fasted, it's a time to eat. I believe in the past some couples consummated the marriage then! All we did was hug and laugh and kiss! We were so happy. It was wonderful to be alone with my new husband for a few minutes, just to be with each other with the knowledge that we were married. Then we were ready to face everyone. I recommend including it.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

I forgot. We did the Yichud too, but I didnt eat. I had to pee.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

I was thinking of doing the circling also, wasnt sure b/c of the traditional interp that the birde does that toshow the groom is thecenter of her world, etc. However I really like the sentiment that teh bride creates a new family circle and the home that they will share. So beautiful!

In addition to a chuppah, a Jewish wedding also needs 2 witnesses, and the groom giving the bride somethign of value that she accepts (the bride doesnt actually have to give anything in return)

I highly recommend the new Jewish wedding book, so helpful for jewish and interfaith weddings, really lays out everything and how to make it your own

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

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Posted by mbg1007
In addition to a chuppah, a Jewish wedding also needs 2 witnesses, and the groom giving the bride somethign of value that she accepts (the bride doesnt actually have to give anything in return)

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Usually that's the wedding ring, which is supposed to be of precious metal and unbroken, ie, without gems. My ring is plain platinum, and I love it. No 'bling,' but I haven't removed it since the ceremony, and i don't have to worry about the diamonds popping out if I wear it to the gym, and it's been comfortable to wear to the beach, while running, etc. At first I wanted a ring with gems, but my husband was quite against it, because to him that wasn't a wedding band. I was a little disappointed, but now I'm really happy I have the plain band. It looks great with my engagment ring, too, which is a rather elaborate 1940s vintage ring.

I did give my husband a ring too. His is platinum also, with a titanium inlay to create a two-tone look. The interesting part is that we said different things while exchanging rings. When he put it on my index finger, it was something about 'being consecrated to me...' and for me it was part of the Song of Songs.

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Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

for an interfaith ceremony, since the ketubah is still a jewish wedding contract, have your jewish witnesses sign the ketubah and your non-jewish witnesses sign the civil document.

as for the bedeken, while it is not mandatory, it is a custom.
we did a double bedeken after the ketubah signing.
first DH veiled me and then i 'veiled him' w/ a tallit.

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Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

Thanks girls for your input! I think im going to get back in touch with my cantor and say that i really would like the bedekin to take place! I wouldnt even care ifi had to write out what he had to say about it, i still have my sister's wedding tape back at my parents house and i could watch it and copy what the rabbi said there if need be.

When we first met with him the only thing he said he was picky about was the ring exchagne if we wanted it on our index finger my ring had to have no holes as you girls wrote. I'm borrowing my grandmother's for the ceremony and we okayed that with him already.

Thanks again for all your feedback!!! i appreciate it!

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

It should be totally up to you. I had an interfaith ceremony: I am Jewish and DH is Catholic. We had the ketubah signing prior to the ceremony. DH and I signed the Ketubah as well as witnesses of our choice: 1 Jewish woman and 1 Catholic man (traditionally, 2 Jewish men sign as witnesses). We did not have a bedeken b/c I did not want to wear one, but we could have. We stood under a huppah and incoporated alot of Jewish customs into our ceremony (blessing over the wine, seven blessings, DH stepped on the glass) as well as two readings from the new testament and a unity candle ceremony. After the wedding, DH and I practiced yichud.

It is totally up to you and your FH!

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

We had an interfaith ceremony - I'm Jewish, DH is Christian. We did the ketubah signing in the bridal suite before the ceremony. The whole bp was there with the parents and grandparents. The Cantor let us have whoever we wanted sign it (he said traditionally they should be Jewish, but he wasn't asking them for proof lol), so we had my stepsister and DH's close friend sign it.
The Cantor didn't read the ketubah during the ceremony either, although I think that would have been lovely.
During the ceremony, we did the wine, a unity candle and DH stepped on the glass. We really tried to incorporate traditions from both of our faiths.

Re: Interfaith Jewish weddings - ketubah signing question

Im having an interfaith wedding and I asked our Rabbi about the badeken and he said he normally wouldn't do it because it is mainly for the Jewish man and since my FI isn't Jewish... but he said if we really want he might be able to work something out.