Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

OK so my dad and I are not close at all. I haven't even seen him in 2 years and he really make no major effort to stay in touch with me nor I with him. I love him and he loves me but there is just no way to undo the past and have this great relationship.
Anyway when I got engaged I asked if he could help with any of the wedding costs and he basically said no and asked why I needed a wedding when I had a new car and a new house and really showed no excitement for me at all. So I let it go for a few months.
Now it was getting closer to the wedding I felt like I needed to decide if I was even going to have him there or have him walk me down the aislse. So anyway he calls about a month ago and for the first time brings up the wedding and asked when it was so I tell him but don't bring up money.
I called him about 2 weeks ago to talk about him coming to the wedding to which I get the answer 'it's a long way away and I really can't answer that. I don't know what will be going on then.' OK nice dad. I get upset and try not to cry. So I bring up the money issue again and tell him how inlaws are giving us money and it makes me feel wierd that my family isn't helping so he says he will see what he can do and call me in a few days to let me know. Well a week goes by, we go back to NY and I come home to a message from him.
I call him back, talk about the wedding, how much it's costing and he asks if I would be insulted if he sent me $1,000. HELLO is he freaking kidding me. My wedding is going to be about $35K most of which we are paying for ourselves. My dad claims he doesn't have money which is a LIE. He has always lied about money and never paid what he was supposed to when I was growing up (parents divorced). My mom is truly broke. She is on disability and there are times I have to help her out. She raised me not my dad and I have no resentment toward her about this just my dad.
Am I being selfish? I don't expect him to pay for the whole wedding. I was hoping for $5,000 or a little more maybe since that's what DF's parents are giving us.
Now I don't know if I send the money back and tell him forget it and don't come or do I just go ahead and let him come and walk me down the aisle....if he even decides he can make it.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

you are obviously hurt and your feelings are currently all over the place. you need to let a week or so pass to let your emotions settle a bit.

“so my dad and I are not close at all”

“i don't expect him to pay”

“i was hoping for $5,000 or a little more”

i think you should separate $$$ from what you want emotionally. one should not be tied to another, although I understand it sometimes can be difficult to separate.

money aside:

do you want him to walk you down aisle?

do you want to even invite him?

if you do not want him to come, i don’t understand how you could possibly justify taking his money.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

He shouldn't walk you down the aile. It doesn't sound like you really have a relationship with him. (and this way, it also doesn't matter whether or not he makes it). If your relationship with your mother is a good one, it is perfectly acceptable for her to walk you down the aile. If someone accompanies you, it should be someone who has had an impact on your life. Or you can always walk down alone.

Regarding the money. I would take it. Consider it a wedding present and then not think anything more of it. From you post it sounds like he hasn't had much a presence in your life. So he isn't going to change now. Invite him with a guest and let it end there.


Good luck

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I agree. Don't let him walk you down the aisle. Have your mom walk you or a close uncle or male relative.

As for the $, you have to let it go. Just accept this is all he is going to give. I wouldn't give it back. He is being as generous as he seems necessary or able. It would be a slap in the face to him to give it back. But don't have him walk it down the aisle.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I agree with September2004. I mean, if you don;t have a great relationship with him and you're saying you don;t expect him to pay, then money shouldnlt be the issue that you're making it. Look. f he gave you 5 grand and it wasnt out of love, what would it matter? I was going to say, I'd be u[set if I were close with ym dad, and he lied to me about money, but you know what? if you were close, he wouldn't lie! I don't know what you're expecting from him, really. You really need to sort out how you really feel.Money shouldn;t be a factor in whether or not he walks you down the aisle, If you want him to, he should, if you don;t want him to, he shouldn't. My parents can;t really contribute to my wedding, but I'd never miss my dad walking me down the aisle. Similarly, if I had a dad who always lied to me and was treating me like crap, I wouldn't want him to walk me down the aisle if he offerred to pay for the whole thing. JMO. I really hope it works out. But really, try to separate the $$ issue from the issue of closeness. If you think the fact that he's not giving you money is because he's not being supportive, then you have your answer, he's not being supportive, and what matters isn;t if he's supportive financially. I think you know that. I'd say invite him to the wedding. If you want to use the $1000, use it. If not, don't. If you feel you want him to walk you down the aisle, ask him to,if not, don't..but know they are separate.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Take the money. I'd still ask for more (if you know he has it) but take what he gives you. It should have no influence over the role he plays at the wedding. Don't have him walk you down the aisle if you don't want.
So what makes you feel comfortable - not what you think is expected of you

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I appreciate the feedback and I guess my post is probably a little jumbled.

The big issue isn't the money it's the fact that I feel like he is lying and not being supportive but I still have times when I feel like it's my dad no matter what.
By no means do I feel that money equals love or allows him the role of walking me down or not its just the whole situation and the fact that he can't even tell me if he will be able to show up or not.

I also don't know how I would feel having him as a guest only. I worry that would make me feel uncomfortable. I don't hate him I am just hurt but really I should be used to all this by now.

Please don't think it's all about the money it's not. Its really the whole ordeal.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Perhaps there is another issue with him..........
Did he re-marry, and if so, did he have other children? If so, maybe he and or his new wife, feel he's responsibility if toward their family first. Somethimes it may be pressure from the spose, and he is caught in the middle????

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

No he did remarried getting divorced again...figures.
He is just very wierd with money and family stuff.
I am annoyed about the money but more insulted with the fact that he said 'it's a long way away I don't know what will be going on then, I can't promise I will be there.'

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

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Posted by Monkeybride

I appreciate the feedback and I guess my post is probably a little jumbled.

The big issue isn't the money it's the fact that I feel like he is lying and not being supportive but I still have times when I feel like it's my dad no matter what.
By no means do I feel that money equals love or allows him the role of walking me down or not its just the whole situation and the fact that he can't even tell me if he will be able to show up or not.

I also don't know how I would feel having him as a guest only. I worry that would make me feel uncomfortable. I don't hate him I am just hurt but really I should be used to all this by now.

Please don't think it's all about the money it's not. Its really the whole ordeal.

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sometimes kids have to be 'the bigger people'

if it is important for you to have him walk you down the aisle, ask him. see what his reaction is. if it is the same 'it's a long way away and I really can't answer that. I don't know what will be going on then' and/or you feel you can't count on him, have a plan B.

if you have someone else in your life you feel has been there for you and would be honored to walk you, then i would ask them instead. why not walk down with your mother? looking back in the future, i think it would mean a lot to the both of you...

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I'd be really hurt too. You say you feel funny inviting him as justa guest...does that mena u want himt o walk you (how if he cnalt even say he'll show up?) or are you saying you don't want to invite him? I'm sorry you're going through this, I know it's hard. If I were you, I'd invite him as a guest b/c he's your dad, but I'd not ask him to walk me down the aisle because he's really not being reliable. But it's up to you. There are 2 extremes..

1) You ask him to walk you down the aisle and he doens't come.. OR You ask him to walk you down the aisle and it feels like a lie

or

2) You don't ask him and you regret it.


You have to really think about how you feel.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

monkey--

I think we might be long lost sisters cause this sounds exactly like my dad.

I took the money and invited him as a guest..i was lucky enough to have a wonderful step father that raised me and he will have the honor of giving me away

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

HAVE YOUR MOM walk you down the aisle. I think you should honor the parent who has been there for you and who has given you such support for your entire life. Irregardless of your father, your mother should have this honor.

In terms of your dad - invite him as a guest, take the money (if you want to), ask for more, and don't be surprised if 1) he doesn't give more and 2) he doesn't come. He OWES you - as a parent he should be there for you emotionally and, if he can, financially. It seems that he was spotty all your life with the child support, the least he can do is help you out with your wedding if he has it (if would be different if he didn't, but he does). He obivously feels bad about the amount he offered - he said 'would you be insulted.' Too often we let dead-beat fathers off the hook - I would at least be honest with him and make him face up to the fact that he's dropping the ball.

The fact that he even hesitated on COMING is a giant slap in YOUR face. You should be one of the most important things in his life. There is no WAY you should have him walk you down the aisle.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

I agree with nsgraham... asking your mom to walk you down the aisle is the best, most appropriate thing to do. It sounds like your mom has been very supportive of you.

Invite your father just as a guest. Since he's offered you some money, take it, and then try to stop thinking about that issue. We can't change people (no matter how much we wish we could).

Good luck and

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

My father isnt the best thing in the world. I see him maybe 2x a year, and all I get is a 'hello, how is work'. (My father is this way to my sisters also, its just the way he is.)

After he found out I was engaged he gave a card to my FH (not me!) with 300.00 in it. Eh, whatever.

There is no way he is walking me down the aisle; I will walk down alone (my mother has passed). I dont feel weird about it at all. I feel that he hasnt been around for my whole life so why should he get the priviledge of walking me down the aisle and giving me away? He gave me away a long time ago when he decided he wasnt going to write/call or care about me.

At my sisters wedding, about 7 years ago he made some comment that 'I'm the next one he gets to walk down the aisle'. I just laughed at him. Being I don't see him that often, I don't know if he knows that he's not walking me down the aisle. I dont want to tell him whenever I see him because it is a holiday or special event, and I dont want to ruin that day for anyone else. And I'm not just going to call him and say 'hey, you're not walking me down the aisle, bye!' I guess he'll figure it out when he's not invited to the rehersal dinner?

Anyway, do what you feel is right in your heart. You dont want to regret it!

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Take the money and let mom walk you or walk by yourself if you choose.

As for the relationship with your dad..Have you eve rhad the BIG conversation addressing these feelings you have inside.

I am not saying it will make everything Ok and you'll kiss and make up..I just hope it brings you some kind of closure so that you can truely enjoy your special day.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

Myasmom...to answer your question yes I have had talks with him and he acts like he understands what I am saying but nothing ever changes. This is kind of the last straw for me.

I think all the advice has helped me make my decision to just invite him as a guest and really not depend on him for anything more than that.

I had told my mom I just wanted her to be able to sit and be mom that day and not have to be dad too but I think I will have her walk me down the aisle. I think it would mean a lot to her even though she understood my reasons for not wanting her to have to do it. I just feel bad because she has always had to be both parents but I am sure at this occasion it would be an honor for her.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

It's your dad - that'll never change. If he chooses to only contribute $1,000 - then there's nothing you can do about that.
I say invite him to the wedding and then move on. Don't let those issues spoil your big day.

Re: Serious Dad Dilemma (long...sorry)

FM