Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Ok, so I just got an email from FMIL. In it she said "I can't wait to go look for the dress." Does that mean she's saying she's coming with me to get my wedding gown? I don't want that!! I have no problems with her seeing it afterwards or at a fitting but picking it out is something between me and my mom and possibly my MOH or sister but not me and FMIL. Am I totally wrong on this? Not one of my friends has taken their FMIL and a bunch of them are much closer to her than I am to mine.

Other Info: FH is her only child and since she and FFIL were divorced when FH was very young, she kind of looks at it like the two of them against the world. Not sure if this affects what you guys think.

Please help, I don't know how to handle this!!! I don't want to offend her but I really always envisioned me looking for my dress with MY mom, not his!

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Just tell her that the dress is going to be a suprise for everyone and she is going to have to wait until thew wedding to see it. Then invite her to go loking for something else with you so her feelings aren't hurt and she is still kinda involved.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Could she have possibly meant she can't wait to look for her dress???

No joke...my FMIL went out and bought her dress like a month after we were engaged. I hadn't even gotten my dress yet!!!!!

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Unfortunately no, she definitely means my dress. The first night we saw them after getting engaged (we were in Florida when it happened so it was a few days before we saw our moms) she started in about 'the dress, the dress.' I was like "let me pick a date and a place for god's sake!".

It's just that she's overly sensitive about everything and I know that this is going to become an issue, which is why I don't know how to handle it.

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Message edited 6/5/2007 6:18:05 PM.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

eogara you have FM

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Or go shopping with whoever you want and when the topic comes up say it wasnt a planned thing, you just were in the area.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Is there a particular reason that you don't want her to go with you? My FMIL came with me and my mother.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Really? That's interesting, it's the first time I've heard that.

It's just that I view it as a pretty personal thing, the first time I try on a wedding gown, and it's something I want to share with my mom. FMIL sort of has a tendency to take over a room and command everyone's attention so it'd be about her and her opinions if she were there. I would have to constantly worry about her and are we paying enough attention to her, which is the last thing I want to have to do. It's the last thing I want to do in general but I deal with it all the other times; I just don't think I should have to deal with it that day especially.

Message edited 4/22/2004 9:37:09 AM.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

I would feel weird too if my FMIL wanted to come with me to look for dresses. I love her and all, but that's something I wanted to do with MY friends and family. The reason is because looking for a dress is something that my friends and family have talked and dreamed about since I was little, so I would want to share that experience with just them.
I also want to keep all the dress stuff a secret from anyone on his side. Not out of spite or anything, but just to keep that part a surprise.
It seems like she just wants to be included in the planning process, so find something else that you can do with her.
But be honest with her. She'll know you're lying otherwise, and that will be a whole other post. Good luck.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Try to be diplomatic,
Bring your mother to shop and order, bring FMIL and your mother to first fitting.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

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Posted by Kriss2c

Try to be diplomatic,
Bring your mother to shop and order, bring FMIL and your mother to first fitting.

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Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

In this instance I would say it's okay to send a reply back via e-mail since that's how she addressed you.

A suggestion:
Tell her that you want to keep the dress a surprise to everyone and that has been your intention from the start however she's been so great and supportive so you've decided to bend your own rules a little and would be honored if she would come to the fittings. Let her know that her opinions on sizing and fit would be very much appreciated at that time.

Good luck!

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

yes, I think that if the question came in the form of an email, than a response in the form of an email is appropriate.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Are you planning on going soon with your Mom? If so, I would e-mail her and say Thanks, but you have lots going on the next couple of weeks. Leave it at that and then when you find the dress do as someone else said, phone or e-mail her and say you were out doing something else and just happened to see the perfect dress and would she please go with you for the first fitting because you can't wait for her to see it. Or you can even offer to take her to the store to see it after it's ordered. I'm sure the salespeople have run into this before. You can also add that you would love to go with her to look for her dress if she would like.
Personally, I would have not have wanted my daughter's FMIL with us during such a special time. Maybe because she lives far and we haven't gotten that close, I don't know, but I think I would have been jealous of someone else gushing or giving opinions. Hope I don't sound like a horrible person!!! It's just the best time to bond with your mother. I hated when the search ended.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Go with your Mom and also go with his Mom. I don't think his Mom should be excluded. I would not go w/the 2 Mom's at the same time.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

I would just go and do it and say, oh we decided to look spur of the moment, not really planned...Then invite her to a fitting. I showed my FMIL pics. as soon as I ordered it (and future nana-in-law!). They were both very happy to be involved and sent pics. The Nana sent me such an emotional email back...Actually, here's the Nana email--she is so sweet!
Thank you so much for the preview - I feel honored just knowing that you care enough to share this with me - thank you!

I'm so happy that you and G. have found each other and that you are planning a
life together as husband and wife, and I wish the very best for you both - always! May the Lord bless you both!

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

I didn't have my FMIl come dress shopping, it was something I did privately with my mother. It was a very special experience and I wouldn't have wanted to share it with anyone else. I will invite her to a fitting. As far as how you should respond to the e-mail, you definitely can e-mail her back. I don't know the kind of woman she is, but would she be understanding if you explained that this was something you have dreamt about doing with your mom? Let her know that you would love for her to come to a fitting, but this is something you feel is very personal. If she would be really offended, than you should just tell her that you haven't started looking yet. When you do find the dress, tell her it wasn't planned and then take her back after it's ordered.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

I think you should take her with you and your mom. From the way it sounds her son is all she really has and would be very hurt if she wasnt included with you and ur mom. The last thing you really want is for her to be upset and always be in ur FH ear about how you didnt include her. Think about how happy it will make her to be included. JMO

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

My only son is getting married in 2 months. I have not been included nor involved with anything. AND IT HURTS!!!!!

Her and her mom went for her gown, I wasn't asked to go and was not offended, but she did bring pictures to show me which was nice. Its a mother/daughter thing.

Maybe you could go with just you and your mom, and take her to make it a special outing just the 2 of you?

IMO: try to make some compensation with your FMIL. Don't leave her out. Try to include her when possible. Take it from a MOG, we want to be involved. After all, its the grooms day also.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

MomNeedsTissues and LIMom - thank you guys for responding to this, it's good to have mothers' opinions. I do involve her in everything, including somethings I didn't even involve my own mother in. While I understand that it's the groom's day too, the groom has nothing to do with my dress, no?

My other issue is my mom's feelings. Maybe this is wrong but I'm a lot more concerned about my own mom than FH's. And as LIMom mentioned, the bride's mom would probably be put off if the groom's mom were included in the dress shopping. It is a really special experience and one I've been looking forward to with my mom for a long time.

MomNeedsTissues - I've seen the posts about your FDIL and she sounds awful. Please know that I am NOTHING like that with my FILs.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

My mom and FI's mom are deceased and I really didn't want anyone with me but either my sister or my oldest friend. My SIL wanted to come, but I just wanted to be alone with my sis, in case it got emotional. So I got a dress, but still haven't really said anything about it. When it comes up, I will probably just say we just happened to be out shopping and decided to look (which is sort of what happened.) I agree with some of the other posts, though, that it might be nice to onclude her in other things.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

I am very close with my fmil and wouldn't have any problem with her coming along dress shopping with myself, mother, sister....but that is just because I feel very close to her. I definitely understand you feeling as if it is something you would rather do with your own mother and sister...etc My fmil is very easy to get along with...not at all controlling...if i felt like she would be pushy in any way, or adding any stress during this wonderful moment in my life, I def wouldn't bring her! This is something that you have waited for all your life...do what makes you happy!!!

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

Here are my suggestions:

1. E-mail her back, say that you haven't made any specific plans to look for your dress yet, you'll keep her posted. Then after you shop with your mom and find your dress tell her you were out shopping with your mom, decided to stop in some shops and found your dress. Offer to show her pictures and invite her to one of your fittings.

2. Like someone posted above, tell her that the dress is going to be a surprise but you'll bend your rule and invite her to a fitting so she can see you in the dress. (Under the stipulation that she doesn't tell your FH about it of course!)

Good luck, I know everything will turn out just fine.

Re: Help!!! FMIL Issue/Question (a little long)

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Posted by eogara

My other issue is my mom's feelings. Maybe this is wrong but I'm a lot more concerned about my own mom than FH's.

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Message edited 4/22/2004 11:46:22 AM.