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Re: not engaged...need advice

I can tell you that i had experienced the same thing. FI and i were dating 4 yrs and i was WAY ready to get engaged probably after year one. I expressed my interests many, many times with no luck. I was told the same thing your b-friend is telling you. I faced that difficult decision many times- should i break up w/ him? I went back and forth w/ it for so long. I then decided to stick it out b/c I knew that ONE DAY he would propose bc he told me so.

Does your BF have intentions to get married someday? If this is something you know he wants AND he wants it w/ you- my best advice is- WAIT!!!! Trust me! I am SOOO glad that i did. If you truly want to marry someone, then you cant bare the thought of not being w. them. If you serioulsy think you can walk away just bc he isnt proposing NOW- then you should take a look at your relationship. Love cant be measured on a calendar and what is right for yu might not be right for him. Let him come to being engaged on his own. I appreicated my FIs proposal SO MUCH more when i knew he did it on his OWN .

Think about it

Re: not engaged...need advice

I hate to say this, but I think you either need to have a serious discussion about why he won't marry you or perhaps move on. I think the financial thing is just a way of getting out of it, either he is too immature or maybe just doesn't want to ettle, but if you are not happy being just boyfriend, girlfriend, than the relationship wont last anyway. I want to give you some

Re: not engaged...need advice

Perhaps he is feeling like this because right now he does not have the money for a ring. It could be a million things-but speculation will get you nowhere.
I do not think that any one would want to have a proposal hanging over their head but he should be making it clear what his intentions are. talk to him before you self destruct. Find out what is really going on and then deal accordingly.

Re: not engaged...need advice

If he's saying finances then it sounds to me too that maybe he feels that he cannot afford a ring yet.

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by tracy2246

Perhaps he is feeling like this because right now he does not have the money for a ring. It could be a million things-but speculation will get you nowhere.
I do not think that any one would want to have a proposal hanging over their head but he should be making it clear what his intentions are. talk to him before you self destruct. Find out what is really going on and then deal accordingly.

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I would def talk to him. I wouldn't just move on. FH, and I were almost like that, but $$ was really a problem, but we do have other responsibilities, we have a son, and daughter together. Which was another reason why I thought we should be married ASAP. After one its one thing, but the second child COME ON, not to mention we too have been together for 7yrs. But I know FH very well. He feels like everything has to be right, and the problem was him not being able to get me a ring, well a ring he wanted. But now I do. If you know the love between you guys is real talk to him.

Re: not engaged...need advice

I was definitely in your situation. I was with a guy for 5 years and he didnt even think to propose until the day I decided to leave him Please remember the following men do not like being pressured to get married. My FH says to me many atimes, 'if you pressured me to get engaged, i would have never got you that ring'. If you feel like you are wasting your time you need to reconsider your life goals. If he is not ready to take this next step then maybe you need to step away for awhile. I know that you must really love him so it will be hard to leave him. but taking a break never hurts.

I had a girlfriend who was with her boyfriend for 7 years. He asked her to come live with him in FL and said that they would get engaged shortly after, it never happened. So moved back to her hometown until he was ready to make a commitment. And you know what he did. He bought her a ring and now they are happily married. He realized how much he couldnt do without her, and he WOKE UP!!!

I hope everything works out for you. All the best.

Re: not engaged...need advice

ok I think I need to add the fact that I am 25. too young?

Re: not engaged...need advice

This may sound harsh and unromantic but love isn't always enough...some guys are too scared of commitment and I have seen girls strung along for 10 years!! Then the guy dumps her and marries his next girl after a few months! Sometimes waiting for him to get his act together will ruin your chances of moving on, if that's what it comes to. I think he is giving you an excuse. You don't need a ring to be engaged, and if you get a ring it doesn't have to bee so expensive or fancy- the ring shouldn't be a measure of your love and commitment. He may not be consciously aware of the fact that something isn't right for him to take that step.

I can't judge if your FH is scared to commit or waiting for it to be 'just right' (which, it may never be) but I'd seriously consider a harsh talk where the outcome may be to break up. There are a few women in my office that I KNOW want marriage and kids and they are now at 35 and either still waiting or it didn't work out with the guy and they are back at square one! They would make great wives and mothers too! It's hard to find someone new and it can be scary but staying with the wrong person is worse. It's the same reason they are staying in jobs they don't like, they are comfortable and change is scary.

Sorry to rant, but I'm sick of people who waste their lives waiting for someone else...there ARE legitimate reasons to wait but sooo many guys (and, to be fair, some girls) will never be ready. You have some serious soul searching to do, you may be fortunate like the other poster who's waiting paid off but more often than not it doesn't.

I honestly hope this works out for the best for you, with or without him. Sometimes you have to choose yourself and it isn't easy. Good luck.

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by espresso

ok I think I need to add the fact that I am 25. too young?

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I don’t believe there is a cutoff age it's all about being mature enough to make that step.

I was 24 when we got engaged and 26 when we got married but my DH is 31. I can tell you that when he was 25 he was not ready to get married.

I don't think you need to stress too much about marriage at this point in your life but I do think you should focus on your relationship. I think you need to find out how to better communicate with each other.

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by espresso

ok I think I need to add the fact that I am 25. too young?

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That's almost my situation, FH and I are 26, we started dating at 17 and waited b/c of money, college then at the end his family wanted his brother to be engaged and married first (he was engaged and married within 4 months so we respected it-but almost didn't)...maybe it's just your guy, and he really does need time but my FH always showed his intention to marry me in the way he lived and planned his life- I didn't doubt that it would happen. If you trust that he will purpose eventually then maybe you should wait but you asking for that next step now when you both agree on the marriage year seems silly to me.

On the other hand, maybe with you asking he doesn't feel as though he can surprise you!

Re: not engaged...need advice

I had this very same thing happen. We were together 7 1/2 years when he proposed. Basically, I gave him an ultimatum and a time line. He blew it by 6 months, but it happened. He is a procrastinator. He spent almost all of his bank account on my ring. He had nothing left, but I wasn't asking for much-just the committment. We got married 18 months later.

Re: not engaged...need advice

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Posted by espresso

ok I think I need to add the fact that I am 25. too young?

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I don't think you are too young. I was 25 when I got engaged and I'll be 3 weeks shy of 27 when I get married.

This is advice I've given before: People won't do things they aren't ready for. And if they try, then they are bound to fail.

It applies to a lot. To the kid who goes off to school and comes back 3 weeks into the semester because he didn't want to go away in the first place.

It applies to the person who leaves a job because they think they should, and end up hating the next job and set themselves up for failure.

I think guys are ready when they are ready. And when they are not, nothing is going to make them change their minds. I think girls, on the whole, adjust their feelings if the person/time seems right.

I never thought I'd get married. And then I met Frank. But.... if I were a guy, would I have reacted differently? Possibly.

My point is - you can't make him propose. And being engaged for two years isn't going to make your relationship better or worse. So my opinion is that you have to figure out - do you want to wait or do you want to go find someone else?

If you truly love him, give him the time to realize that you two should be together.

Re: not engaged...need advice

I know every situation is unique, but had to share this story. My ex's brother had been dating a girl for almost 8 years. They had both been really low key about the whole marriage thing. However, she finally brought it up (hey--7 years into it!) and he was hesitant. When she finally decided he needed to sh*t or get off the pot, she left. THAT's when he went and bought a ring. She said no. It was the best thing that ever happened to them, probably. They are both great people and were together a long time, but the relationship was over. If they had really wanted to get married, it wouldn't take the large dramatic gesture..... Incidentally, he went out with friends and a few months later, met a wonderful girl. They dated for a year or two and are now very happily married. He knew when it was right and didn't feel hesitation.

Find out what's really going on and as hard as it may be, decide if you think he really does want to get married. You're only 25, (which is plenty old enough to get married, make mature decisions, etc) but still young enough for lots of future relationships. In any event...best of luck..

Re: not engaged...need advice

A good friend of mine was in the same exact situation- she had this boyfriend since she was 16, and when she was 22 and in her own apartment she told me that if her bf didn't propose or ask to move in with her by a certain time (I think it was within 6 months or something), she was going to break up with him. She didn't pressure him, and she didn't tell him about this deadline, she kept it in her head and she also planned for the worst. He ended up asking her to move in with him, which led to them buying a co-op and next they got engaged. They were married June 04! Though he never stated financial reasons, he kinda took his time but at least he made steps toward a deeper commitment in the mean time. I had a similar situation where I was with a guy for 3yrs and he knew I wanted to marry him but he didn't decide to even ask me until I broke up with him! What bothers me about your sitch is that your guy will commit to a wedding date but won't put that ring on your finger?! No offense but I think financial reasons are bull. My FI is so broke-a** between college loans, his car, and not having a good job, but he managed to get me my dream ring. He researched and educated himself, he went for quality not quantity, and worked out a payment plan that's comfortable for him. What I'm trying to say is that if your man REALLY wants to propose, he'll find a way. I think you said you're 25? Well you have every right to want to be in a relationship that has a destination. If I were you, I'd do what my friend did. Make a SECRET deadline in your head, and whatever you do, don't bring up the subject of engagement anymore. And make a back-up plan for yourself. Even though you love him, if he can't commit, you may have to leave. Put some money away for yourself, esp. if you live together, that way you can get your own place/go on vacation/buy yourself something- whatever you need to do if/when you break up. Remember- you need to worry about yourself right now. Your happiness is 1st priority. Don't wait around too long for something that might never happen. And who knows, he might come around after he sees how much life s**** without you. Good Luck!

Re: not engaged...need advice

You know, FH and I dated 5 1/2 years before he proposed. I was definitely ready for a proposal before he was, and would bring it up occasionally. Then gradually he would say things that would allude to us getting married someday. Like on our 5th year anniversary we went away, but it was the beginning of march so it was cold. He said something like, well at least you can pick the weather for our new anniversary when we get one. Then after some time we decided to go ring shopping and the rest is history. My mom asked me how it happened, how we decided to get married. It wasn't one huge conscious decision. We knew that we would get married someday. It was implicit between us. And then eventually it felt right for the both of us. It is similar to how we started dating. We don't actually have a real anniversary because our relationship just flowed from friendship to love. It was a lot more natural that way, and that's also how it happened for us getting engaged. So sometimes you just need to wait it out until you both feel ready. And then it really will feel right.

Re: not engaged...need advice

This is a really hard thing to go through. FH and I are planning our wedding, he didn't propse formally, we are together 3 1/2 years living together for two 1/2. He brought up marriage in the most unromantic way. He feels that we need to figure out the perfect balance of both of our faiths before we even officially get engaged, so we don't hurt either of our families. Or face pressue to have it in a particular hall, or use a certin dj etc. I love him and can't imagine spending our lifes apart. So we're planning our whole wedding(I don't even have a ring, my avaitor is the one he needds to buy me ) and we're technically not engaged well I guess we are but it hurts you know not to have a romantic proposal story or flashy ring on my finger, and it pains me each time a realiiv or friend gets the ring. It's sad that he feels it's best to do our planning secretly.(Well his parents know, I think he's scared my mom will take over planning, I feel really bad to leave her out of planning her only daughter's wedding )

I guess what I'm getting to (sorry for my ranting on your topic) is if you love him and he loves you their are some compromises you have to make. You have to see what you can handel and what you can't or won't..

Re: not engaged...need advice

Like everyone else has said, you are not too young but if he is also 25 he may not be ready for marriage even after 7 years.

I know of a couple together for 11 years and they never got married. They were engaged for a while though but never made it to the altar.

A former friend of mine (about 45 years old now and never married) once told me when a mans 'light' is on then he gets married....I guess as in the timer popping out of a roast or something Anyway, the point is when a man is ready to get married he will ask the woman he's with. We all know of a couple together for YEARS and they break up then he marries the next woman he starts dating. That happens ALL the time.

You absolutely cannot force him to propose if he is not ready. And suppose he does propose and you get married What if he ends up resenting you for forcing his hand and then you are divorced in a year That happens all the time too - the ultimatum scenario and then the divorce within a year or two.

You need to find out if he is even interested in getting married - ever. And then consider that when he is ready (which could be a long time from now or next month) that he may not want to marry you.

Of course all of this is just speculation from people who don't know you or your boyfriend. As far as we know he may have a ring for you already and the argument could just be a way to throw you off

ETA - and if not having money for a ring is the actual reason then just let him know that you don't need an expensive ring to be engaged

Re: not engaged...need advice

This is such a hard situation

Re: not engaged...need advice

Sweetie I wish you the best of luck, My FI and I are dating 2 years but we both new right away and said why wait. I do have a friend A very good friend that was with her FI for 10 yeras. (Yes I said 10 Years) and she was upset and waiting and waiting and waiting and she is getting married next August. He did come around. Their reason was money and he wanted to get established first. Which is a great reason. They started to date at a young age and at the end they are so happy. So If you really love him and deep down inside if you feel he loves you then stick it out. I would give yourself a goal. Give yourself a date at if he does not give you a ring by that date then do something about it. If he tell you 2007 then wait it out and then do what you have to. I hope that advice helps.. In the end it will work out. Best of luck to you.