Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

Well, this is kind of a long story, so I'll try to shorten it so you can understand. I really need help, I'm so upset and frustrated, and I have no idea what to do. Here we go:
My dad is in the process of divorcing his 2nd wife of 12yrs. She has 3 boys, who will be ushers for my ceremony, and 1 girl, who will be one of my BM's. That's if this woman stays out of it and keeps her pie-hole shut. See, we grew up together, my sisters and I and her kids. I'll call the wife D. D and I have had our problems, but I learned early on to stay out of things, and keep my enemies close. D has also helped me out a lot, but I have always been pretty close w/ my mom, so I never consider D more than my dad's wife. D also has disrespected my dad infront of the whole family on a few occasions, and has tried to break up their relationship on 2 other occasions. One time she left him after he bought them a new house, the other time (in a different new house) she told him she wanted to go back to her ex-husband for her kids sake. My dad has been a better father to those kids then their own, and has been a great husband. SHE wants this divorce, not him. He is very in love w/ her, the poor man. So now, she decides to create a little drama, and I think she's using my wedding in her little scheme, not only to hurt my dad, but tear apart our family. One of my sisters lives w/ them, and maintains a close relationship w/ D, as well as my other sister. But D is totally making up things that I never said, and talking to my sisters about it, and it's coming back to me. D is saying that she's uninvited to the wedding, and she thinks that I'm avoiding her because of the divorce. It's true that I haven't been over there, but would you want to see the woman who is putting your dad thru h*ll? So I keep my distance. But her daughter called me the other night, and basically said, if you don't work this out w/ my mom, I can't be in your BP!!! She said there is too much tension, and it puts her in an awkward position. Which I understand, but the other half of the conversation was totally from her mother's mouth! My dad and I think D is pressuring her kids, and manipulating my sisters to be on her 'side'. She has no real grounds for divorce, and I think she thinks that she can hurt my dad even more by doing these things. She is a fake, money-hungry, materialistic person, and we always knew it was a matter of time before she dumped my dad for the next guy with a full wallet. So so she is trying to ruin my wedding, and I don't know if I can talk to her civily at this point without telling her what I really think, what I have seen her do, and what needs to be said. There's a lot more that I can't write on here, but I just need to know if I should call her and make nice-nice, just so her kids will be in the wedding, or just ignore it, because maybe that way she won't even come to the wedding, and we won't worry about her tacky self bringing her new guy 'friend'. What should I do? I'm so upset that she's playing w/ peoples heads, and no one can see it. PS- She also snooped through my dad's stuff, I know this b/c I wrote him a card to cheer him up and her daughter also brought that up! HELP!

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

It sounds like she is very manipulative and if you and your dad don't kiss her butt, she will try to use her children to hurt you, which will hurt yur dad.
People like this have NO regard for other people's feelings and it is unfortunate that she is pitting children and siblings against each other.
I think you need to talk to your step brothers and sister and let them know that you want them to be a part of your day, but you don't want to make them chose sides, so maybe it is best that they aren't in your wedding.
The day will be stressful enough without having to worry if your ushers and a BM might not show up.
Sorry you have to deal with this.

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

Babe I'm so going though my own family hell. I feel for you. I wish you, your sibblings (both step and blood) luck. I'm sorry you have to go though this.

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

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Posted by roxyspark

It sounds like she is very manipulative and if you and your dad don't kiss her butt, she will try to use her children to hurt you, which will hurt yur dad.
People like this have NO regard for other people's feelings and it is unfortunate that she is pitting children and siblings against each other.
I think you need to talk to your step brothers and sister and let them know that you want them to be a part of your day, but you don't want to make them chose sides, so maybe it is best that they aren't in your wedding.
The day will be stressful enough without having to worry if your ushers and a BM might not show up.
Sorry you have to deal with this.

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i agree... All she wants is for you to kiss her a$$ and you should! If you are civil to D, then there is no reason for your syblings to give you such a threat... obviously you know the situation better than any of us.. i spent a lot of time kissing someones a$$ for a while to keep everyone happy.. you know what, in the end i was miserable and bitter! guilt trips and threats are not a good way to handle things, and from MY experience it's not good to just give in to them... I say you remind them you are not buddy buddy to D yet you are and have been civil to D and your relationship with D should not direct or ruin your relationship with them... and if that is not good enough with them.. well i just think you can not let your day be controlled by D... if you so badly want them in the BP then give in... it's about your day and if D want to ruin it for her and your siblings then that will be on her conscious... Best of Luck with this one! what does you FH say??? i am sure he can be more objective and give another point of view!

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

This D sounds like a really horrible woman, I'm so sorry you and your family have to deal with her!! It seems like you really want your step-siblings to be in the BP and they seem to really want to as well, it's difficult for them to be in the middle and I'm glad you understand that. Maybe all of you should sit down and have an old fashioned family meeting where you just get everything out in the open and try to work on things. I can see that you're afraid of what you might say to D so you could try writing it in a letter, then hand deliver it and have her read it in front of you. That way you can keep it civil but still get your feelings across. HTH!! GL!! We're here for you!!!

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

Thank you so much for the love girls, this is so hard for me to deal with, especially right now, trying to plan my wedding. FH is totally on my side, as is his fam. In fact, they have never liked D, and saw right through her. The worst part is having the threat of losing part of my BP in all of this. The youngest of them is 15, and they are all very close to D, so I have to watch what I say to them. But it's completely unerving to have to make nice nice with someone who should seek personal help and who wants to start trouble. I like the idea of writing the letter, but I just want to take the easy way out and admit defeat. If those kids really wanted to be in my BP, they would. But D has them where she wants them, as well as my own sisters. At least they won't abandon me.

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

I'll tell you that this D. woman sounds like the type of person who no matter what you do - kiss up or kick out, she will still make everyone's life h*ll, because that is what peolpe like her do.

I would tell everyone this - look, I know I want you in my party - you are like a sister to me (if you feel this way) - I don't want to be put in the middle, but if D. makes things difficult for you to be at my wedding or in my BP, I will know you did the best you can. I cannot choose sides anymore, i have too much going on...

I don't know people like D. exist, but they do and they have their own issues. That really stinks.

Re: Need advice about step-fam drama! sorry long

I am sorry sounds aweful and a bad situation because she sounds like a B I T C H. If it means a lot for you to have your sis (her daughter) in your wedding I would call and make nice-nice and be the better person...I am sure she is manipulating her which is so wrong. Sorry and I hope all works out. Good Luck and keep me posted!