A little scared (sorry really long)

Well I don't usually post about that much and never anything so personal but I've seen how supportive you all are to others who are dealing with stuff. So here is the deal, I have been with with FH for 3 1/2 years, some of it rocky because of both of us were younger and selfish, but we live together now and things are going well. Except that I get worried that he's not the right one for me, he still can be so selfish and very hard to talk to. He is NYPD (think this may have something to do with the communication problem) I love him, but we are so different, I am emotional and love to talk and am sensitive and take things to heart. NOTHING effects him, nothing, he says it's because he sees so many terrible things at work and he sees the worst in people everyday, that the personal things we deal with are so tiny compared to what he sees. He trys to be different and talk to me more, but then he lashes out at me in other ways and I think it's because he is trying to change and he is frustrated. I am so scared about our marriage, I don't want to get married just to get a divorce, and I don't want to say goodbye either, he is a wonderful person in other ways, but I just don't know how compatible we are. Since our lives collided we have always had a volatile relationship, but the end of the day we still love each other, but I'm not so sure that love is enough to sustain all the trials of marraige and children. I am just so sad thinking about all this, I don't know what I should do Sorry so long. I need hugs.

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Just try and talk to him and let him be aware of what is exactly affecting you. Nothing beats communication it is very important in a marriage.

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

First off... i'm so sorry that you're going through this. Marriage is a huge step. But what i will say is that my father was NYPD and to some extent, your FH will always be closed off. There will always be a huge wall that he puts up and it barely comes down.

But if you're really worried that you're not compatible and you're questioning whether or not this marriage will work... than maybe you two should slow down. You could try counseling (i'm sure counseling is covered under his insurance). The one thing that worries me about what you said was how your relationship can be volatile at times. What exactly did you mean? Volatile is a very strong word and that concerns me.

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Lots of us are very different. My FH and I are the worst. Our personalities are so different that it leaves my closest friends wondering at times. Now don't get me wrong, he is great - just very opposite myself.
Just because you are very different from each other doesn't mean this can't work. Think of all the things that draw you together, if it is on an emotional loving level and you can't see going through life without him then yes he is the one for you. But at that point realize this: You can't completely change a person - we are who we are and any change that we make has to be on our own and it's not a quick change either.
I sat down with my FH over his nonemotional non caring issues. He just didn't realize how it made me feel. Of course that was after the 10th time where he had to make some changes in order to become my husband.
I never would have left my FH, but I wasn't ready to fully commit to marriage until I saw he tried the hardest and did the best that he could when it came to certain things.
Of course he isn't perfect, but neither am I or you or your FH, but if an effort is showed then I say give them the benefit of the doubt. I mean really their men!!
Good luck!

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Sorry you are feeling this way!!! If you are having doubts -- you really need to address these things before you get married. You definitely need to talk to him... and the sooner the better!

Good luck!!!!!!!!!

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Right now you are susceptible to so much. Planning the wedding can be so stressful and sometimes it causes you to lose sight of what your really getting married for. Ifyou both love each other things will work themselves out. I have had a lot of rocky times with FH but we both agree to work through things compromise and understand that we have our differences. It will be hard and I understand him putting up a wall with certain things, my FH is not a cop and he can be sort of insensitive to certain issues as well. Your FH loves you otherwise he wouldnt have gotten you that beautiful ring. Remember the love that you have and always remember that you both care for one another deeply.

Good Luck

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Hey honey - Im sorry that you have to deal with this ....this is a big step that you guys are taking and there is a lot of change going on ....there are a lot of hard patches that will be hit.... but if your really not sure but you also know that you dont want to end it - as of now - slow it down - forever is a long time and there is nothing wrong with pushing the wedding back and making sure that this is whats right for both of you - .....two people can love each other and still not be able to be together -

good luck you guys will find your way -

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

First off thanks so much for your thoughts and concern. I do love him I guess I'm just a little scared about the 'wall' he puts up. When I said Volatile I meant that we have had many arguments about this type of thing in where he will not talk to me about something or upset me and not try to talk about it, and then after I talk to him he realizes (or says he does) that he needs to communicate more. But I hate the whole up and down thing. Out of all the time we have been together I don't remember a day that we did not speak at all to each other though, and I can't picture my life without him. I just hope that we can get over this communication barrier. Thanks again so much for listening and for the advice, it actually felt really good to get this off my chest and have a neutral sounding board. I will talk about this with him when I get home from work tonight. Wish me luck

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Good luck- communicating your feelings about this is really important. My FH is very quiet and i am very talkative and emotional- i actually got very concerned about this last night, but he talked to me about it and said that while we are very different he will always try to do what makes me happy - and i realized that he always does-- Just talk it out, but also know that there is no shame in deciding to wait to get married-- one of my girlfriends realized that the guy she was engaged to was not the person she could spend the rest of her life with and cancelled her wedding--- she was actually relieved after she did it. P.S. My FH was engaged before and i am super happy that it didnt work out for him then

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)

Don't worry honey, a lot of us go through difficult times with our FHs and sometimes it makes us second guess if we're doing the right thing. Only the 2 of you know the true answer to that. We can offer support and advice tho.

It sounds like you're both making an effort to make the relationship work, and that's a very good thing. Remember, most men don't communicate the way women do, their brains have developed differently and their ability to share their feelings isn't as natural as it is for us. The reason why he may get annoyed when you try to talk to him too much is that you're causing his brain to overload.

I suggest that you bring up a topic to him, and when he seems turned off to it let it go for awhile. Let him mull over it for a few days and then bring it back up again, I bet he'll be more attentive now that he's been given adequate time to think about it. I can't promise it'll work every time but it should be more effective.

Good luck tonight!! Let us know how it goes!!

Re: A little scared (sorry really long)