Weddings not happeniing? UPDATE NEAR BOTTOM

I'm a regular 06 poster on here and FH & I have been fighting on/off almost every 2 weeks for the past few months. It always starts the same & I know so much is stress about the wedding and stress about the money and stress because it is coming soon, but here's the deal. It's 2am & I can't sleep and I just want to cry.

FH is NOT the most emotional guy. He's on the cold side & not one to share his feelings and not very romantic (cards, flowers, expressing his emotions), but he'll show things in another way. Yet I am very emotional and at times when we have a busy week & dont get 2 see eo I'll send email/notes to him like i feel so alone, we need to talk. b/c he is busy w/ work/other commitments, he'll blow it off or not realize how serious I am. he is always saying how over-emotional i am & what a drama queen.

well then it hits the fan. I thought we'd spend a nice weekend together but fri he went w/ friends to parade in city & came home exhausted, Sat was supposed to spend time together but he was running errands for his job and we did have dinner then went to his friends' house for drinks/cake (fine, but WE didnt' talk). Yesterday was supposed to goto church & breakfast together but he woke up & got the laundry & said "I have 3 bags of laundry" so i went 2 church alone & was even more angry when he said he was going to his parents from thre (instead of cleaning apt & talking--yet again).

just feel so disconnected. well then i was mad & saw his glasses on the table so i hid them (he had his prescrpition sunglasses on i guess)& went shopping. he called asking where they were, i ignored his calls. his calls got mean & I finally told him where they were. an hour later i went home to find my monogrammed cake topper that i spent hours on, smashed into 10 pieces along w/ a glass candle.I was beyond devasted. i spent HOURS on the cake topper & was so proud of it & really loved it

things got mean at that point & I called accusing him of loving his job more than me & asking if there was someone else ( know there isn't) & asked why everything else is more impt than me.

long story short....by end of last nite he said he can't "do THIS" anymore & we shouldn't get married & things will only escalate from here. I can't sleep, he says we'll talk tomorrow about returning deposits/money/who gets apt, but he cannot see us getting married.

I'm devastated and can understand his frustration but feel 90% is due to stress & also that he doesn't read my signals....all i need is love and to feel special from him & when I don't have the chance to talk talk w/ him for a week, I feel myself getting yucky inside & the bad things happen.i told him this, but he says i pushed him too far.

the flip side of me says I dont need a guy that doesn't listen & doesn't tell me how special i am or do the sweet things. also if we have kids, he has to learn to control his temper & cant be smashing everything in his site Also more than anything the cake monogram has me seriously devastated (he has not even acknowledged this at all---he just said "I told you to give me my glasses back).

i do love him & i can see us married but so much of this is due to stress & money & we're forgetting the impt stuff. i know he does love me but he gets caught up in work & enjoys what he does.

Not sure what i am asking for, just hugs/advice too....what would you do? Sorry so long.

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Message edited 3/22/2006 6:20:32 AM.

Re: Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Oh I'm so sorry you're going through this.

Did you think about sitting down together with a therapist or counselor? As much as you're going through a tough time right now, it seems to me like your issues could really be helped with counseling. Have you approached him about doing something like this?

Please keep us posted.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

i'm so sorry you're going through this.

maybe the both of you can speak to a coundelor about this.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Wow! It sounds like you have thought this through very well. I agree with you about having kids. The last thing they would need to see is their parents fighting and smashing things. I agree with the above poster who suggested counseling. I think postponing the wedding may be advised as well.

My only other concern is when you say you know your troubles are due to stress and lack of money. Take it from someone with three kids and no job at the moment (my youngest is 3 months, my 2 year old has special needs, so I need to be home with them right now), the problems won't go away once you are married. If he is reacting this way now, ask yourself how will he react when you're pregnant with baby #2 and baby #1 needs surgery and the car breaks down? Is that really the way you want to live your life?

Good Luck. You have many hard decisions ahead of you. If there is anything we can do to help, just ask!

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

AWH

You seem as though you have thought this way for a while. If he is not capable of talking to you about things and you need to, your going to feel this way every time something comes up. My FI and I are very different when it comes to communicating BUT we always find the happy medium. I will leave it alone when he needs to cool off and he will listen when I need to speak. I understand that he is not like me (Or any other women, ha) but communication is a big problem. I apologize for saying this but, your arguments seem alsmost childish. It was not right of him to smash the cake topper, but also not right for you to hide the glasses. That being said either he needs to realize what a marriage is and work on himself, (while you work on yourself) or you need to accept him EXACTLY the way he is, or he is right and you can't do this. I am SOSOSO sorry sweetheart. But you are right, FH and I are going through so much right now. I am in Grad school not making much $$$ at ALL, selling and buying a house, planning the wedding, and he just started his own business about a year ago, so things are not easy and we argue a lot in bouts sort of. There is an ebb and flow to our relationship and we know things will always get better. But like you said we always try to remember what is important.

Maybe some time apart will make you both realize how much this relationship means to you both and maybe that you are being silly or something. When is your wedding date? It sayd 2012 right? Maybe you shouldn't call everything off so soon. it sounds like you shoud try to work on things. Good luck, we are here for you, and let us know!!!!

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

My goodness, I am so sorry to hear that you are going through all of this. I agree with the above posters who said that you might try counseling to see if these issues can be worked out. One thing I can say as I have gotten older is that relationships should not be that difficult. It shouldn't get to the point where things are being done to purposely get back at the other person for not meeting your needs...or his needs. There are enough stresses in life that can weigh on a person, that you need to be in a relationship that is safe and warm to come home to! Hopefully talking to someone can accomplish one of 2 things: you will either realize that it truly won't work and you tried everything to make it work, or you will find a way to make things better. Good luck to you and keep us posted!

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

OMG I am so sorry you are going through this.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Sorry that you are going through this

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I don't know what to say but if you need to vent you can FM me!

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

This sounds like another faker!!!!

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so sorry!

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am so sorry. Can I offer one suggestion? If you already know he is not the romantic type and accepted him for it, please do not expect him to pick up on signals. Try to sit and talk to him and not let things escalate to yelling. Try and talk about WHY he is saying he doesn't see you getting married. Was it just because of a stressful weekend or is there something deeper going on?
I hope everything works out for you

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

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Posted by VadersBride2006

Wow! It sounds like you have thought this through very well. I agree with you about having kids. The last thing they would need to see is their parents fighting and smashing things. I agree with the above poster who suggested counseling. I think postponing the wedding may be advised as well.

My only other concern is when you say you know your troubles are due to stress and lack of money. Take it from someone with three kids and no job at the moment (my youngest is 3 months, my 2 year old has special needs, so I need to be home with them right now), the problems won't go away once you are married. If he is reacting this way now, ask yourself how will he react when you're pregnant with baby #2 and baby #1 needs surgery and the car breaks down? Is that really the way you want to live your life?

Good Luck. You have many hard decisions ahead of you. If there is anything we can do to help, just ask!

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Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Why does this person sound like a faker? I don't think so.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

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Posted by MysteryGroom

This sounds like another faker!!!!

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Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Aww Ialways believe thst things have a way of working out for the best

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Thsi must be very hard for you,...I am sorry,....

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am so sorry that you have to deal with this maybe you guys SHOULD hold off on the wedding plans for a while A moment of embarrassment is way better then a lifetime of regret and pain. I understand that you really love this guy and I'm sure that he loves you the same (in his own way), but his temper is out of control and next time it may not be a cake topper that is his target. Some guys just aren't affectionate and as the saying goes, "you can't teach an old dog new tricks".

Keep us posted and good luck i will keep you in my prayers

JMHO: Maybe you guys should seperate for a while to figure out what the two of you want as individuals and seek counceling seperately and as a couple as some of the other girls have suggested

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

OMG god sweetheart.. I am so sorry you are going through this.

I wish I knew what to say to make things better.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

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Posted by MysteryGroom

This sounds like another faker!!!!

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Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I am so sorry you guys are going through this. Follow your heart and it will all work out for the best, even if it doesn't seem like it at this particular moment.

FM me if you need support.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I'm so sorry this is happening but it IS good that you're dealing with it NOW and not just going ahead with the wedding and having children and THEN having these issues. I know I always say this, but people don't really change. I was with a very emotionally closed off man for 6 years who was a bit of a workaholic, and I loved him and it was so hard when we broke up, but I realized I need a man who is more affectionate and likes to talk and doesn't hide at his job. My FH now is very affectionate and talks to me and we communicate well. Sometimes two people don't really 'fit' and they stay together just because they don't realize that it can be so much better if you find a person more in line with your personality.Now that I have a man like my FH I think to myslef "How did I live like that (with my ex)" and I really think it's because I didn't know any better. I don't mean to say you should give up, but one of you need to make a real commitment to change. It's easy to say 'go to counciling' but if he doens't see that he needs to change it's just going to waste time and money. It's really hard for people to change, they need to really want to and commit to it and YOU can't change him, he'll have to change because HE wants to. I have 2 friends that said "Oh, I know he'll change once we get married." Well, they didn't and now they're both dealing with those consequenses. Or, you need to change and not have affection and communication that you crave, which sounds bad, right?? But that's how your FH migh see it "Why should I change?? SHE'S the one with a problem..." Anyway, I wish you luck!! FM me if you want!

Message edited 3/20/2006 10:32:56 AM.

Re: Weddings not happeniing? :( Need 2 vent...so sad...so confused

I dont have any advice but I hope it all turns out the way you want it to.