Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

This is kind of long......here goes everything.....

Before my wedding (June 10th) my mother had come to my job to get something she left in my car. One of my co-workers noticed her and asked me about a week later if she would be interested in going to a concert on June 24th – he had an extra ticket and they were going with two other couples. My co-worker just went through a divorce and has 3 kids 15 – 21. While walking into work one day from my lunch, I was on the phone with my mom – I handed the phone to my co-worker and told him to ask her. On June 24th they went to the concert together. Keep in mind my mother had begun seeing someone else while I was on my honeymoon but she made a commitment to go to the concert. They had a great time at the concert and went separate ways. My mom had broke up with her boyfriend and so my co-worker (we will call him Frank) and my mom began talking. She moved in with him 3 weeks later and started looking for rings.

I am having a hard time absorbing this and I am not sure why. I am happy that she has found happiness after being divorced for over 20 years and getting involved in some bad relationships. Then why do I feel angry?? First of all I am uncomfortable that she is seeing a guy from my job…..its just weird. I work with all men and I know they talk.

I just found out today, they put a deposit down on a hall and set a date – and I am not happy. I feel like she is trying to be me. She has been engaged before; therefore, she has picked up some wedding stuff…..she lent me her tiara and I wore it the day of my wedding…….and she wants to wear it for hers – it just doesn’t seem right. Maybe if she was to be wed in a few years I would be okay with it, but its less then a year. She has picked out her BM’s and the colors and I don’t get a warm and fuzzy feeling inside about this.

I know she is very jealous of me and always puts down my DH……..is this why she is rushing into marriage.? Is she trying to be me? Whay aren’t I happy for them? I feel so confused…..

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

WOW...I would just be concerned that things were moving waaaaay to fast! Why is she is such a rush???

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I am with Kathleen! What is your mom's rush with getting married to your co-worker? I can understand you being angry...It seems very strange!

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I can definately understand how this would make you upset. It really hasn't been that long that she has been dating him..... and he is a coworker of yours so I can see how it would be uncomfortable. Have you tried talking to your mom about it??

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I definitely understand your feelings. That leaves you in a very awkward position. You need to talk to her, you need to tell her your situation and hear her side. Good luck to you.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I can see why you would feel this way. It sounds like your mom is very young at heart. From what you are saying it does sound a bit like she is trying to live in your shoes. I don't think that is too bad, if she has a young spirit good for her! What does concern me is how quickly this is developing. I believe you are concerned that it is for the wrong reasons. Why can't they slow down the pace?

Do you think you can confront your mother? I think you have to and tell her your concerns. Just be very cautious, it sounds like she is on a high that may be altering her decision making. The last think you want to do is make her defensive. You have to carefully approach her.

As far as work goes, there is not much you can do. Unless you change jobs, it is what it is. Maybe you can talk to 'frank' and tell him your concerns.

I think we are all at a stage where we worry about our parents, and I see how you are so upset.

I hope this helps! Good luck to you.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

Let me tell you a similar thing happen to me. My mom got married exactly 3weeks before me. Its her 3rd marriage. In the end I just put an attitude of like just let her live her life....don't worry. I know its weird b/c its your mom. She would tell me how come I'm not mad that my friends are getting married the same year as me, why am I jealous of her....I would get soooo upset b/c she just didnt understand that its different your my mom. In the end her wedding happened, mine happened I moved away and both living our separate lives. I mean I definately talk to her but just try to keep it simple b/c I don't want to have a bad relationship[ with her.
I think that its normal and okay to feel the way you do, but if you already spoke to your mom about your feelings and it doesn't matter to her. just let her live....good luck

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

---

Posted by TimDogsGal

I can definately understand how this would make you upset. It really hasn't been that long that she has been dating him..... and he is a coworker of yours so I can see how it would be uncomfortable. Have you tried talking to your mom about it??

---

She doesn't want to hear it...she keeps telling me to 'grow up' and 'get over it' and 'be happy for me.' Well for one, she is not giving me time to absorb all of this. See, my mom has Multiple Sclerosis and it has affected her metally (from all the medication and other stuff). When I talk to her its like talking to a 12 year old.....its hard

I spoke to my grandmother about this and she said.......your mom may not have many years to come, let her be happy. I am trying, but I can't help the way I feel.

If you noticed I haven't said anything negative about this guy.....from what I know (at my job) he is funny, nice, generous...etc.

I wish I could figure out why I am so upset,.....its nauseating (sp?).........we need a throw up emote-icon

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I can totally understand why you are upset. It tends to be the trend that divorced or widowed parents we as the children are the 'protectors'. You probably feel like she's rushing into things and you're probably worried about her. Maybe you could set aside some time to explain how you feel to her. Let her know that it's uncomfortable for you to have your co-worker as your impending StepDad and that maybe she should slow down.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

Close enough???

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

It does seem rushed...that would be my main concern. If the guys at work are talking about it, I'd ask them to keep quiet, remind them it's your mother and point out that this talk is making you uncomfortable.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

---

Posted by pigs222seal

---

Posted by TimDogsGal

I can definately understand how this would make you upset. It really hasn't been that long that she has been dating him..... and he is a coworker of yours so I can see how it would be uncomfortable. Have you tried talking to your mom about it??

---

She doesn't want to hear it...she keeps telling me to 'grow up' and 'get over it' and 'be happy for me.' Well for one, she is not giving me time to absorb all of this. See, my mom has Multiple Sclerosis and it has affected her metally (from all the medication and other stuff). When I talk to her its like talking to a 12 year old.....its hard

I spoke to my grandmother about this and she said.......your mom may not have many years to come, let her be happy. I am trying, but I can't help the way I feel.

If you noticed I haven't said anything negative about this guy.....from what I know (at my job) he is funny, nice, generous...etc.

I wish I could figure out why I am so upset,.....its nauseating (sp?).........we need a throw up emote-icon

---

My only advice, as hard as it may be is to try and be happy for her. I know it' may not be what you feel is right (and i totally agree with you) but you don't want to ruin the relationship that you have with your mom...and If it doesn't work out with 'Frank' she will need someone to be there for her.

If you ever need to talk...we are here for you! Hang in there!

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I am so sorry that you are faced with this ..
I wouldn't be so hard on yourself, I can't say that I know what it feels like to be in your place but from what you've said, it sounds like your mom does want what you have. I would totally have the same concerns, especially if you've watched her become engaged before and have it not work out. But like you said, she has been divorced for a long time and must really want to settle down again. Marriage might not be the best thing for her right now but she is going to do as she pleases. Have a heart to heart with her....gently tell her your feelings. I would just focus on you wanting her to be happy and not rush into anything and regret it. I don't know if I would bring up her being jealous of you. Even if it is true, she might not take that too well.
Uhhhh....I wish I had better advice for you
This has got to be tough on you. Hang in there. We are here for you, fully loaded with hugs!!

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

Wow....first here are some This is a definite awkward situation to be in. I agree with the other girls....what is her rush into marriage? Does she feel like your grandma does...that she doesnt have many years left? If that's the case....its a bit more understandable.

All you can do is try your best to put on a happy face for her.....what choice do you have? I am so sorry.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I think you're upset because they are rushing into things. True they are older and can do whatever they want but if you are unsure about this guy, it's probably an instinct you have about him that maybe he's not 100% right for your Mom. It could also be that she's lonely and got caught up in all of the excitement of your wedding and is grabbing onto the first guy she thinks can offer that to her.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

wow - this is a really tough situation that you are going through. . . it is hard in so many ways

first of all i agree that your mom is rushing into this - but i guess she needs to live her life

also - it must be so wierd bc it is your coworker - it is a 'clashing of worlds' of sorts and i can see how that would be very hard on you!

i think you should continue to try to talk to your mom about the situation but in the end you are just going to have to let her do her thing. . .

and as for moms being jealous of brides - unfortunately i think it is a VERY common occurence. . . especially since ( i think) we are the first generation having these all out somewhat extravagant weddings. . . .

well goo luck with everything and we are all here if you need us!!

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

I'm sorry that this is upsetting you so much I am sure the situation is really, really hard on you. You haven't had time to get used to anything or even to any of these new ideas.

To be honest, this may be hard, but maybe you need to have a little of distance in the situation. Because obviously you and your mom don't see eye to eye on this and what good is it going to do to argue with her? It is just going to make you both upset and cause even MORE tension to an already difficult situation.

I hope that you feel better soon

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

are you sure you may not be a little upset that she is taking some of the spotlight off of you.

YOU borrowed HER tiara, and now that she wants to wear it, you are upset about it....

I agree that it seems like she is moving very quickly and that it could be cause for concern, but before you talk to her, make sure YOU know exactly what about it bothers you so much.

I don't know you and I don't know your mom...if your relationship is dysfunctional, that's one thing. but maybe she just saw you happy and thinks she finally has it for herself.

I don't want to offend or upset you, I just want you to look at all of your emotions before you accuse her to 'trying to be' you. unless she has a history of doing this (NOT uncommon, and you would know) I would hesitate before saying that is the case.

In any event, I hope you all hash this out. If it is a mistake, I hope she comes to her senses...but if it's not, if she is really happy, be happy for her too.

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

---

Posted by MrsH1156
It could also be that she's lonely and got caught up in all of the excitement of your wedding and is grabbing onto the first guy she thinks can offer that to her.

---

I do agree...........

Re: Dear My fellow '06 girls........need advice (NWR)

did she ever have a big wedding? maybe this is her way of finally getting the large celebration...