Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

Ladies,

My Fiance and I are paying for our own wedding. We as I am sure all you have had our differences through out the planning with ups and downs. To make everything better we have six other weddings this year. So money is a big part of our "discussions".

Well let me get down to the problem I would like help for. One of my Fiance's friends was going to have a destination wedding after our wedding. Well she decided to plop her wedding in front of ours... I have not problems with that. My problem is that she is still doing a destination wedding but to a close state. Mind you it is not going to be the quaint wedding as before...250+ will be attending. So the major problems are that we now have to spend three nights at a hotel, a $250 bridesmaids dress, (oh yea- she is in the party), the b-party, and the bridal shower. Now I was upset at first but realized what can you do. Well the thing that topped it off was that for the bridal shower the bridesmaids are paying for it. And i just found out that this is so common from my fiance. IS IT?????? She was told to bring wine which hey no problem... Wine for a 100 people is no big shakes . So I was a little upset but go over it once again. Will the anty was just upped by bringing Wine, Soda, Juice, Cups, and oh yea a dish for the 100 people... Is this a little absurd???? Do you think she can tell the Maid of Honor she has a wedding to pay for and will bring maybe two of the things???? HELP please... Im sorry for crashing your boards and for this being so long. Thanks

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

I'm not really sure if that is really common anymore. My mom and sis/MOH are giving me my bridal shower, and that's how all of my friends did it. I have heard of the BP paying for it, but it would then be a matter of taking the total costs and dividing evenly amongst the BM-not something like "you bring this and I'll bring that". You're right, that IS a lot of $$ to shell out. If it's really a financial burden, your fiancee may have to reconsider being in the bridal party.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

Sorry, but paying for the shower is very common these days. I don't think that asking to bring wine or food is too over the top either. You can always make something like baked ziti which will feed a ton of people, but won't cost a lot.

I can certainly sympathize about money. We have 7 weddings to go to this year and our own. Maybe you need to consider declining some of your other invites? You obviously need to go to your wedding and the ones that you're in the BP, but are there any others that you can decline and just send a small gift from the registry?

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

I think that is a lot to ask someone to do...I never heard of such a thing. I can understand maybe bringing one thing or so, but all that...You give a gift at a shower, not provide the food, drinks, and etc.. I think it is fine to let the bride know that money is a bit tight, and you guys are planning your own wedding. Obsviously the bride should understand money is an issue because she is asking others to help her out....

Message edited 4/19/2007 9:24:07 AM.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

Well.... if your FW was asked to be in the wedding and she said yes - she knew how much it would be and what she was getting into....(Does she seem upset about it?) She can always back out if she really didn't think she could do it....

I understand money can make things very stressful - But you need to talk to her- and say how you feel!!! The first topic in Pre-Cana was Communication!!! So just communiate how you feel - it will make things at ease.

hope that helps.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

the best 2 bridal parties i was in the bp footed the whole bill. the mom of the bride didn't pay anything.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

My suggestion for you is to buy JUGS of crap wine.. SERIOUSLY! Noone will care or even notice what kinda wine it is.. Buy jugs and keep the price down!

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

Thank you to everyone...

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

I understand that money is stressful but having BP participate and pay for things in a bridal shower is very common these days. Go to BJs pick up those things and be done with, it's a part of being in a Bridal Party. I really don't think it's worth having a fight over.

It could be much worse then having to pick up those things....they could be paying to have it in a restaurant & it would cost even more.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

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Posted by DNicholes

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It could be much worse then having to pick up those things....they could be paying to have it in a restaurant & it would cost even more.

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Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

One thing- is the bridal shower really 100 people? that seems like a big number. but seeing as I've never been to one (i'm a guy), I don't know.

--the stealth groom
(giving meat eating, rangers watching, poker playing, whiskey drinking men a voice on liweddings since 10/06)

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

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Posted by jayandjenny

I'm not really sure if that is really common anymore. My mom and sis/MOH are giving me my bridal shower, and that's how all of my friends did it. I have heard of the BP paying for it, but it would then be a matter of taking the total costs and dividing evenly amongst the BM-not something like "you bring this and I'll bring that". You're right, that IS a lot of $$ to shell out. If it's really a financial burden, your fiancee may have to reconsider being in the bridal party.

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Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

I always thought that tradition was that the MOH did the majority of the planning with the BM's and MOH splitting the bill If the bride's mom or sisters want to or can afford to pay for it, they can offer to do so. Otherwise sometimes the mom will just provide something for the bridal party (like the cake, or another part of it).

If they had decided to do the shower in a restaurant, the cost would be a lot more for 100 guests, so it's a good thing they're not doing that. I agree with the poster above who said to go to Costco or BJ's and get all the stuff. If you get it there, you'll save a lot of money.

Unfortunately, there is a lot of costs associated with being a BM. Being that you guys are also planning and paying for your own wedding, it hurts to spend the money, I can understand that.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

I think it's quite common these days for the BP to foot the bill for the Bridal Shower. Some though don't and only put in money for gifts, but that all depends on the bridal party and the moms.

If she feels like this is too much, maybe she can talk to the others in the BP about it since she is also paying for her own wedding. If worse comes to worse, buy in bulk at Costco or BJ's and buy jugs of wine and buy soda someplace like that and make something like baked ziti or some kind of pasta dish, which is easy to make, relatively inexpensive and feeds loads of people.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

OK let me tell u something::

as a bride with one bestfriend that got married 6 months b4 me and one bestfriend getting married one month b4 my wedding, i completely understand what you are going through!
It is financially tough! But guess what, you have the right to draw the line. an obligation is an obligation but you have the right to say " i can only chip in $150 for the shower or whatever else is the case"

trust me, i wish i could do more for my bestfriends- there is always more that could be done but we all understand that weddings are expensive and that we all have our own finances to worry about.

bottm line, you have every right to draw the line.
Also, you dont have to stay three nights at a hotel. Its not the end of the world to miss the rehearsal dinner. i think your fiancee is capable of learning how to walk down an aisle. If i were you, i would stay the night b4 the wedding and the night of the wedding.

Listen, for my shower, some girls were able to "particpate" more than others, did i get angry? - hellll no!! we all do what we are capable of doing.
and noone can argue with that!

do not do what you are not financially comfortable with. Honestly, tell your fiance to tell the Maid of Honor that unfortunately, she can only chip in up to xxx amount of dollars...

good luck!!
sorry if i was harsh, but i totally feel you on this one!

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

i also want to add that my brother is in his bestfriend's wedding-which will be taking place in Cape Cod, and they dont plan on staying Friday-Sunday. They are going to stay sat and sun only which means they will prob. miss the reahearsal dinner. Three night stay at a hotel is a lot of money. He is doing what is best for him financially.

and yes, when you are in a bridal party, you have to expect costs but you can also have some say in how you spend your money.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

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Posted by hunnybunnyxoxo

OK let me tell u something::

as a bride with one bestfriend that got married 6 months b4 me and one bestfriend getting married one month b4 my wedding, i completely understand what you are going through!
It is financially tough! But guess what, you have the right to draw the line. an obligation is an obligation but you have the right to say " i can only chip in $150 for the shower or whatever else is the case"

trust me, i wish i could do more for my bestfriends- there is always more that could be done but we all understand that weddings are expensive and that we all have our own finances to worry about.

bottm line, you have every right to draw the line.
Also, you dont have to stay three nights at a hotel. Its not the end of the world to miss the rehearsal dinner. i think your fiancee is capable of learning how to walk down an aisle. If i were you, i would stay the night b4 the wedding and the night of the wedding.

Listen, for my shower, some girls were able to "particpate" more than others, did i get angry? - hellll no!! we all do what we are capable of doing.
and noone can argue with that!

do not do what you are not financially comfortable with. Honestly, tell your fiance to tell the Maid of Honor that unfortunately, she can only chip in up to xxx amount of dollars...

good luck!!
sorry if i was harsh, but i totally feel you on this one!

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Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

A hundred people seems like a huge bridal shower to me. That's more people than is going to be at my wedding! I thought a bridal shower was supposed to be the close friends and family of the bride (and these days, the groom)? But, yes, traditionally the shower is held by and paid for by the friends of the bride--the bridesmaids, mostly, and the MOH. So to me it sounds like a lot to ask, if only because it sounds to me as if the bride is being a bit greedy and asking every female person invited to her wedding to come to her shower. That's what's costing the bridal party even more. Of course, it's very possible that some or even many of the 100 guests may decline the invitation.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

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Posted by stealthgroom

--the stealth groom
(giving meat eating, rangers watching, poker playing, whiskey drinking men a voice on liweddings since 10/06)

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Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

My bridesmais all paid for my shower but the reason being is I have no mom or family in the United States, so I'm a special case I would say. I know some states the Bridesmaids also throw the shower. In some other cases it's the mom/MOH of the bride. I feel for you guys though, you have your own wedding to worry about, You can only do so much. I say only give/do what you can! The bride needs to be a little understanding in this situation...she changed her wedding and now you guys are accomodading her!!!! I would talk to your fiance and just let her know she should talk to the other girls and explain her situation...
XOXOXO
Kitty

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

The majority of showers i have been to the mother has accutally thrown it. Same thing with mine - my mom kept it under 50 people because she was paying for it herself, she didn't want to burden my BP since she knows how much they are spending on everything else.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

I have to crash and say that its not so common for the bridal party to pay for the shower and be held responsible for all of those expenses in addition to the dress, hair and makeup and gifts! That is also alot to ask from someone getting married shortly after. IMO, if you don't think you can afford it, maybe your fiance should just go as a guest rather than be in the Bridal party

ETA: If the bridal party offers...then thats great! But thats totally different than being told

Message edited 4/19/2007 11:46:31 AM.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

i agree with the last post... told and offering are two different things.

Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

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Posted by Maybride519

I have to crash and say that its not so common for the bridal party to pay for the shower and be held responsible for all of those expenses in addition to the dress, hair and makeup and gifts! That is also alot to ask from someone getting married shortly after. IMO, if you don't think you can afford it, maybe your fiance should just go as a guest rather than be in the Bridal party

ETA: If the bridal party offers...then thats great! But thats totally different than being told

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Re: Please Read... Please Reply.... This is a man crashing your boards.

it IS common for members of the Bridal party to help pay for the shower. HOWEVER -- 100 people for the shower is huge! And I understand how expensive wine can be for that many people. If the BP is throwing the shower, then they have say in what is and isnt acceptable money-wise. If you cant afford to supply all that wine, then tell her to tell the other girls that she can spend X amount and thats it. They'll have to get the rest themselves.

But as I said -- the fact that she has to pay for the bachelorette party and shower is nothing new or outrageous -- its a part of being in the bridal party and she knew that going into it.