Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

some OLD hangups just never seem to go away!

When I was on the bride to b board- I vented towards the last few wks pre wedding.
Out of say 65 relatives on my side- 5 came to the wedding.
I was mostly pis--ed at my NJ cousins/Aunt who couldn't make it first because her dad is was very bad health. SO I suggested only the ladies come, they said that they couldnt come alone, so I said car-pool w/ your sis (my Godmother) cuz she will be driving up from virginia- it's 4th of July weekend and she usually spends holidays w/u. Well, then I found out SHE & her fam weren;t coming. SO I said you can meet up with one of my firneds who lives in NJ and follow her...to which the reponse was...get this...my husband wont let me drive on a holiday w/ just my daughter!!! ok- so he wont let you drive to your cousins wedding- the last girl in the family to get married- the one that has NO PARENTS to attend her wedding- and she said yes.


ok
now, my sils and mil planned a baby shower.
So I got the call from the NJ cousin & aunt that they mailed the invites to her doughters bday party on mon, recieved RSVPS from 3 girls on Wed- and didn't get the invite until FRI- so she was sorry...blahblah...and I just laughed!
It took her of gaurd- she was glad I laughed instead of got mad- and I said -well what r u gonna do? 'Well I can try and rush the girls out of the house early on sat but I wont make it to you for 11' so I told her do what she likes...which then she inquired about the registry..blah blah...and then says' I wanted to rub your belly!' Well- I told her- you cant do that over the PHONE!!
The whole time Rob and his mom heard everything- and I was fine- I kinda figured that MAYBE they would not come.

But after I got out of the shower last nite, I just started crying cuz I dont understand what the hell is wrong with these people- or what I did wrong for them to shun me this way. They have't been to see me in bklyn since I graduated college in 89 and then buried my mom. That is the last time they traveled to me. I keep inviting them out to see the house, to have dinner, to come to the beach, I even put together a party and sent invitations to them thinking that they wanted a FORMAL WRITTEN invitation- but to no avail.
So i cried, and Rob heard and spoke with me and its not me its them,etc...but How I am supposed to accept this reasoning when HIS family p lanned the event from invites to favors to food to FLYING here from FLORIDA ??? it's hard to accept this rationale when his fam is being sooo good.
ARGH
I am going to try and put it out of my mid so that I dont keep tearing up here at work...

Thanks for allowing me to vent....I am sorry the post is soooo long

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

Phyl;

Big hugs to you. Rob's right, it has nothing to do with you. It sounds to me like they are just being selfish - so wrapped up in their lives that extended family just doesn't rate much. Rob's family probably rates keeping in touch with extended family very highly and therefore go to extraordinary limits to be at important events whereas unfortunately, your cousins just don't consider maintaining family ties a priority.

You are blessed that Rob's family considers it important, and you've now got a new (and growing) family to be part of.

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

I think Karen said everything I was thinking - and she probably phrased it better! :)

People are just who they are, I think it's definitely no reflection on you as a person. They sound like they are the same exact way they were with your wedding so they're being consistent - consistently unreliable/self-centered, but consistent. They haven't changed. I've had people like that in my life, family or otherwise, where the relationship is one-sided. Or the attempts at a relationship are one-sided. It's like the more you try, the more you ask yourself why you're trying. At some point, you just see it for what it is and accept it. You don't have to accept their garbage, just accept that they are how they are, not how you wish they'd be and that they value different things. I'm sure they are not just like that with you.

Speaking of consistency, your in-laws sound wonderful, just like I recall when you were getting married. You've been connected to them through marriage and now when you have your little one, you'll be connected by blood too. Rob sounds so supportive, it's no wonder he coems from a family who are how they are. And that's what you can instill in your baby, the family values you want!

I don't blame you for feeling hurt, it's natural. When you think about how you can't change these people, focus on all the great people who are there for you

(((((HUGS))))) Sorry so long, I hope it helps

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

Phyl, I'm so sorry you are hurt like this! (((hugs))) to you!

I think what Karen and Elizabeth have said make perfect sense. It is not your fault that your family is lazy and I don't think there is anything that you can do differently to make them understand how much their behavior hurts you.

However, it sounds like you've been blessed with a tremendous support system in Rob's family, and I think that is wonderful. God bless them for wanting to make you happy and wanting to be an important part of your life and the new baby's life.

I don't know what to say to take away your hurt. I can completely understand how you feel. Just try to focus on the wonderful people that you do have. Maybe the others will come around, maybe they won't. But, you are about to have your own family, and that is your priority.
Hugs again and best wishes!

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

Sweetie, I know it must be hard, but you cannot let people's action determine how you feel. I cannot fathom what would make them behave this way, but chin up dear you are love. You have all rights to your feelings, try not to let it stress you. I went thru some of the same things with hubby's family. I just try my best to get past it. I cannot let their actions make me down.

From me to you.

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

Phyl, Im sorry to hear your so bummed, and at a time like this, dont let it get to you. Dont let your body be tense, and your heart hurting, your precious baby shouldnt be subjected to stress (and neither should you !) because of selfish and distant family members !! Dont let them get the best of you and your precious baby growing inside you.

Unfortunately some people are not drawn to family ties and to family bonding.. I will never understand that myself. I try to see my siblings and parents twice a month if i could (and theyre only in Queens), and I know of MANY people who would stay as far away from their immediate family as possible. Its just who we are and why we are all SOOOO different.

Its obvious that your parents instilled great family values into you, that your heart is as big as it is because of them. That you are a giving, loving person, ready to open your heart to all of your family, because of the person that your parents made you to be... Thank them (smile and look up, as I tell hubby, when his dads bday passes)...
'smile and look up, they see you !!' Cherish the new family that you now have on your wonderful husbands side, the precious baby that you will both bring into this world with your great values, and the future of good, happy memories that you will soon be creating..

You have done more than your share to stay close to family, and they dont seem to feel the same about keeping in touch. If you feel close enough to any of them, maybe you can write them a card or note, letting them/one or 2 of them ? know how you feel, if it would make you feel better to 'let it out'... If the relationship(s) are worth saving, you will know by the response you get from them...


LOts of luck to you with the baby, dont stress over this and go hug your wonderful DH and IL's !


Sorry so LONG !!

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

Phyl,

I agree with what all the other ladies have posted. It sounds like your MIL and Rob and ALL of his family cherish you and can't do enough for you. Take heart at how loved and special you are in their eyes. As for your relatives, don't let it get you down, they are missing out not you



Tons of hugs

you all are right..but..

I guess it may hurt a bit more because my parents are not with us. I know, I know- they still 'know' whats going on - but it is SOOOO different when you can't hug them or call them and talk to them...
Top it off that after both parents were deceased that I then found out I was adopted...so maybe it is a LITTLE understandable that I am looking for family ties....

It makes it hard too because this IS my moms sister and her offspring we are talking about ...and it is all Fine and Dandy when you go to see them! If I am the one to blast them about this ( or even gently write to them) then 'I' would be the one that was wrong, misinterpreted things, etc.
How do u repond to these people when they have said and & done what I have posted...but also say- oh this is SO wonderful for u- I am excited for U- I want to rub your belly- its like HELLOOO! I am trying to keep up these relationship- but you need to travel to me now. Lets b fair!

I can get really revved up by this but Rob thinks it is not worth it and another cousin of mine in Cal says that they dont treat him & his wife/kids nicely either- but they all PRETEND what a great fam they are to us. I dont know- I never listened to my moms lessons on how to b diplomatic-I tend to think things over and then charge in and confront issues....so it has been a bit hard. maybe that's why I laughed at her excuse...what I also should have said is that I KNEW they wouldn't come- because it is ALWAYS something

well, I guess this will be yet another branch of the fam tree that my little one will meet thru old snapshots!

Re: you all are right..but..

Phyl;

You should get your immediate family together with the California cousin and their family, and do fun vacations together, cruises and such, and let the NJ cousins know how much fun you all had together - then they'll be the ones feeling left out and unimportant!!!

Re: Tell me not to be upset..(LONG SORRY!!)

Phyl,

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this. I agree with what everyone else has said, and unfortunately have no magic words of wisdom to add. I just send major hugs to you, and want to remind you that even though your own family is self absorbed, there are tons of people who KNOW how special you are and treat you as such. And you always have us.. your 'cyber family'.
Hope you're feeling better since your first post.

OH YOU GALS!!

you all have been so supportive- I cannot thank you enough. (more tears_oh well-here come the waterworks)
Thank you for getting back to me. I did not know how much of my issue was just hormones

I will try and scrape it up to that is the way they REALLY want it - and not get confused by there contrary speeches on the phone. Honestly, the sleep over party is fri night- If my cousin really wanted to, she could arrange to get to us by 12-1230-right when the party will be heating up!
oh well- all I can say is that she gives SAHMs a bad rep cuz it seems she cannot juggle 2 things at all.

Well, again, I guess this baby will 'See' their cousins on the annual picture Xmas card. That's the way they want it- that is what they will get. ( Italian temper kicking in now) Fa Napoli!

Re: OH YOU GALS!!

oh yes the hormones......they sure can escalate a feeling, been going through that!

Re: the contrary comments on the phone. All I can say is some people say stuff more for themselves to believe than even the person they are talking to. Does that make sense? I have a family member in my life who does this all the time. It only recently dawned on me that this is what they do - say it to convince themselves that they are..whatever - a good friend, caring relative, martyr, whatever! For the longest time, I thought this person did this to try to convince me (or whoever) but it really is more for themselves. More self-centeredness. So be it. I'll tell you - it put the behavior more in perspective once I realized it.
I hear what you are saying about your parents being deceased and being adopted, I can only imagine how hard it can be for you and that would be enough for anyone to want to keep family connections but you just can't change them. Send the yearly holiday card and try to refocus on the positive. Hang in there! ((Many hugs))

thanks elizabeth

you just may be on to something there- saying stuff to convince THEMSELVES that they are true blue...hmm..good food for thought